Limp Dickzquit

Originally from the Catskills.

You can't get mad if it's true.

David Bowie frightened a few underage girls.

Number 38 and there goes my coffee.

He cheated, she yeeted.

I would have called Immigration and saved my gas money.

I heard the other day she might get prosecuted for it though as she helped him enter the country in the first place.

If he wasn't documented as her boyfriend, does that mean he was never really her boyfriend? Or am I missing something here? 🧐 (🙃)

Now that's funny.

Hello Fallout Shelter

Dutch police

In the dark, eyes closed, pray you don’t miss, or stub anything.

🔔🫨

I love a good nerd reply (which probably explains why I'm married to Mr Auntriarch)

If you can take an officer's gun with a dino grabber, I think that officer should be in trouble.

Never mind Americans, it's been centuries since Jesus was portrayed realistically in Europe. Unless there's a recent version of Christ Pantocrator that I haven't seen.

Watch for the spit.

i've seen it more from white men though? and um, it's pretty bad

And we’ve got another four years of this to look forward to

Trust the best.

I’ll be right back.

Not a fan of public armpits either lil buddy

Liam Neeson is f**king brilliant.

I will be calling beer "bread flavored soda" from now on.

The answer is uranium

That'll do, pig.

No kink shaming.

I’ll take two.

Franklin would laugh because he'd expect it. Adams would beat you to death with your own arms.

I’d increase their tip by 10%

Get a second opinion.

All aboard the Fe-Line.

For sheer fear, think of baby birds leaving the nest for that first time - fly or die! Makes your first date feel pretty tame, eh, boys?

All newborns are ugly. Except mine. 😉

I read that in David Attenborough’s voice.

Soup of the Day is the result of yesterday's 'Leftovers of the day'

I second this request.

Only on Fridays

I was late to a wedding and ran in just after "Does anyone have any objections?" All eyes swiveled around as I swiftly took a seat and lowered my head.

Self reproduction isn't totally unknown, but it only produces females. Maybe Jesus was trans?

that is a badass name, little guy

Wait till they hear about humans. They’ll wear anything just for the halibut.

Go to a Trade School

Using your couch

Attention hog.

C’mon, alive is totally in there.

My sister has more siblings than I do and that feels really weird to me

Oh god yes, Luigi is gonna become a martyr 🤣

The ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, Future, and- wait what who’s this

Darwin Award.

No one is lying....some of us just know how to cook, and...ya know have standards.