Limp Dickzquit

Originally from the Catskills.

You can't get mad if it's true.

David Bowie frightened a few underage girls.

He cheated, she yeeted.

Number 38 and there goes my coffee.

Now that's funny.

Hello Fallout Shelter

In the dark, eyes closed, pray you don’t miss, or stub anything.

Dutch police

I love a good nerd reply (which probably explains why I'm married to Mr Auntriarch)

Never mind Americans, it's been centuries since Jesus was portrayed realistically in Europe. Unless there's a recent version of Christ Pantocrator that I haven't seen.

If you can take an officer's gun with a dino grabber, I think that officer should be in trouble.

🔔🫨

Watch for the spit.

i've seen it more from white men though? and um, it's pretty bad

And we’ve got another four years of this to look forward to

Trust the best.

I’ll be right back.

I will be calling beer "bread flavored soda" from now on.

Not a fan of public armpits either lil buddy

Liam Neeson is f**king brilliant.

The answer is uranium

That'll do, pig.

I’ll take two.

No kink shaming.

Get a second opinion.

Franklin would laugh because he'd expect it. Adams would beat you to death with your own arms.

All newborns are ugly. Except mine. 😉

All aboard the Fe-Line.

For sheer fear, think of baby birds leaving the nest for that first time - fly or die! Makes your first date feel pretty tame, eh, boys?

I’d increase their tip by 10%

I read that in David Attenborough’s voice.

Soup of the Day is the result of yesterday's 'Leftovers of the day'

that is a badass name, little guy

Self reproduction isn't totally unknown, but it only produces females. Maybe Jesus was trans?

Only on Fridays

I second this request.

I was late to a wedding and ran in just after "Does anyone have any objections?" All eyes swiveled around as I swiftly took a seat and lowered my head.

Using your couch

Go to a Trade School

Wait till they hear about humans. They’ll wear anything just for the halibut.

Attention hog.

No one is lying....some of us just know how to cook, and...ya know have standards.

The ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, Future, and- wait what who’s this

C’mon, alive is totally in there.

Oh god yes, Luigi is gonna become a martyr 🤣

My sister has more siblings than I do and that feels really weird to me

Darwin Award.