Limp Dickzquit

Originally from the Catskills.

You can't get mad if it's true.

Number 38 and there goes my coffee.

David Bowie frightened a few underage girls.

Now that's funny.

He cheated, she yeeted.

In the dark, eyes closed, pray you don’t miss, or stub anything.

That aged like milk.

I love a good nerd reply (which probably explains why I'm married to Mr Auntriarch)

If you can take an officer's gun with a dino grabber, I think that officer should be in trouble.

🔔🫨

Dutch police

Never mind Americans, it's been centuries since Jesus was portrayed realistically in Europe. Unless there's a recent version of Christ Pantocrator that I haven't seen.

Watch for the spit.

And we’ve got another four years of this to look forward to

i've seen it more from white men though? and um, it's pretty bad

I’ll be right back.

Trust the best.

Not a fan of public armpits either lil buddy

I will be calling beer "bread flavored soda" from now on.

No kink shaming.

Liam Neeson is f**king brilliant.

That'll do, pig.

I’d increase their tip by 10%

For sheer fear, think of baby birds leaving the nest for that first time - fly or die! Makes your first date feel pretty tame, eh, boys?

I read that in David Attenborough’s voice.

Franklin would laugh because he'd expect it. Adams would beat you to death with your own arms.

I’ll take two.

Only on Fridays

The answer is uranium

All aboard the Fe-Line.

All newborns are ugly. Except mine. 😉

Get a second opinion.

Wait till they hear about humans. They’ll wear anything just for the halibut.

Soup of the Day is the result of yesterday's 'Leftovers of the day'

that is a badass name, little guy

Self reproduction isn't totally unknown, but it only produces females. Maybe Jesus was trans?

Using your couch

I was late to a wedding and ran in just after "Does anyone have any objections?" All eyes swiveled around as I swiftly took a seat and lowered my head.

C’mon, alive is totally in there.

I second this request.

The ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, Future, and- wait what who’s this

Go to a Trade School

Darwin Award.

My sister has more siblings than I do and that feels really weird to me

Oh god yes, Luigi is gonna become a martyr 🤣

But now I have that tune stuck in my head.

Attention hog.

No one is lying....some of us just know how to cook, and...ya know have standards.