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Woman Confused After Boyfriend Learns ASL For Her Deaf Brother, But Friends Say It’s Creepy
Interview
When people care about someone, they can go to great lengths to make sure they’re alright, to help them, if need be, or simply to put a smile on their face. But for some individuals, such devotion might seem suspicious, for reasons only known to them.
Take this redditor, for instance. After she brought her boyfriend to meet her family, he started secretly learning ASL (American Sign Language) so he could communicate with her deaf brother. But, for some reason, her friends deemed the gesture creepy, putting thoughts into the OP’s head.
Scroll down to find the full story below, where you will also find Bored Panda’s interview with the OP, who shared more details about the situation surrounding her boyfriend’s gesture.
RELATED:
Being in a relationship often entails spending time with the partner’s family, too
Image credits: Getty Images/Unsplash (not the actual photo)
This woman’s boyfriend started learning ASL so he could communicate with her deaf family member
Image credits: Ave Calvar/Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: ThrowRA_TallGiraffe
“He didn’t even make a big deal out of it. He just started signing out of the blue, and I even had to do a double take”
Image credits: George Dagerotip/Unsplash (not the actual photo)
In a recent interview with Bored Panda, the OP shared that Jon’s gesture surprised everyone in the family. She said that she had no idea that her boyfriend was studying ASL, so when he used it to greet her brother, Trev, and ask how he was doing, she was quite taken aback.
“He didn’t even make a big deal out of it. He just started signing out of the blue, and I even had to do a double take. We were all shocked and touched by it. Trev was ecstatic when he saw Jon using ASL, and my mom even hugged him,” she recalled.
“Trev has a circle of friends from his high school, and they are all fluent in ASL. His best friend is hard of hearing as well. Despite this, he is a very socially awkward and shy person who has difficulty making friends. However, once you get to know him, he’s actually pretty talkative,” the young woman shared.
“When he and Jon met for the first time, they instantly clicked. Then, when Jon started signing during our second visit, Trev couldn’t believe it. Outside of our family and his circle of friends, no one really bothered communicating with him through ASL, much less learn it specifically for him. Jon was the first new friend Trev has made in a long time, and we all really appreciate how much effort he put into making sure that my brother felt included. Trev even jokingly told me not to mess up my relationship with Jon, because if we break up, he’d choose Jon over me.”
Some sources suggest that, as of 2014, roughly 3% of the adult population in the US were ASL users. Enabling the deaf and hard-of-hearing community—as well as hearing people who choose to learn it for one reason or another—to communicate easier, American sign language was created in the early 1800s. Its history started with Dr. Thomas Hopkins Gallaudet, a minister from Hartford, Connecticut, who went to Europe to learn educational methods from several accomplished deaf educators there. Upon returning to the US, he established a school that is now known as the American School for the Deaf.
In an interview with Bored Panda, the OP shared that after reading about Jon’s gesture, numerous members of the deaf and hard-of-hearing community reached out to her. “People have been reaching out to me saying how much they appreciated Jon’s efforts for my brother, and it would most likely be something my brother would never forget. Some people even offered to give Jon free ASL lessons.
“I’m just so glad that this issue has brought to light the importance of learning ASL and being inclusive, and that everyone should see individuals with disabilities as actual human beings who are just as capable of achieving more given the right opportunities,” she said.
The online community’s response made the woman wonder if she should trust her gut more
Image credits: Brock Wegner/Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Talking about her friends’ views towards Jon and their reaction to him learning ASL, the redditor admitted being unsure why they reacted the way that they did. “None of them have met Jon except my guy best friend. They met the same day Jon first met my family during my mom’s birthday. The three of us had breakfast at a diner, then Jon even offered to foot the entire bill. I thought we had a great time, so I don’t know what made my best friend suddenly turn on Jon.”
She continued to share that because of her lack of experience with relationships, she turned to her friends, who were more experienced, for advice and validation. However, seeing the response from the online community made her wonder if she should trust her gut feeling more.
“When I posted, I had a lot of doubts and worries because nowadays, there’s something new almost every week where people are like ‘oh, this is a red flag’ or ‘oh, this behavior is actually abusive’ or something similar. When I started dating Jon, I felt like a fish out of water. I know many people see this as naive or even downright stupid, but as I had never really dated or had a relationship before, I turned to my friends who have more experience in this area for advice and validation. I [also] tend to second guess a lot, and I thought that maybe having friends to help me out would be an advantage.
“However, seeing the response from the community, I’ve learned to trust my gut and instincts more. I also realized the importance of surrounding myself with people who have the same values as I do, including being family-oriented. Of course, I got to appreciate Jon more for all the efforts he has put into our relationship and see how much he actually cares for me and my family,” the woman shared.
The OP noted that the response from the community entailed both the good and the bad. Some people called Jon a green flag and said plenty of wonderful things about him, while others focused more on her friends, making some less positive comments. And while the redditor saw where they were coming from, she said that there are still some nuances to their friendship.
“Right now, I’m still assessing and processing everything. My high school friend group has a Christmas get-together next Saturday, and I’m planning on bringing Jon along so my friends can meet him, and hopefully, change their opinions of him. Hopefully, I can get to the root of their issue with Jon and resolve things! These friends helped me survive high school. They’re not the conniving or evil type that some people paint them out to be. For now, I’m giving them the benefit of the doubt, but I don’t think I could just cut them off without at least trying to reconcile things.”
The young woman provided more details in the comments
Fellow netizens shared their opinions and advice
The young woman added a couple of edits, thanking the community for sharing their thoughts
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What do you think ?
Bowtechie 17 hours ago (edited)
Am I the only one who thinks the single guy best friend has a crush on OP? The vibe I'm getting is he's a closet "nice guy" hoping to show how he's the catch by putting a genuine catch like Jon down, and the other friends are in on it.
MegDragon 17 hours ago
There are people who take up learning sign language because they have a couple classes with a deaf person. What’s the evil plan there? Five months in, and she’s bringing him to the family, it makes a lot of sense for him to make an effort.
person (i think) 5 hours ago
I have a friend who is learning ASL for exactly that reason!
Load More Replies...
Michelle C 17 hours ago
I wonder if they’re afraid to lose her and they’re trying to sabotage her relationship with Jon because they’re afraid of that possibility. They’ve also exposed that they don’t have the kind hearts that the couple and her family have. That kind of man is a keeper!
LB 13 hours ago
Right? I was thinking maybe they're calling it a red flag to redirect attention from the fact none of them ever tried to interact with the brother
Load More Replies...
Doodles1983 16 hours ago
I think OP NEEDS better friends. At this point Jon sounds respectful, and empathetic. Her other friends don't bother with her brother after years? Wow.
Steve Sharpe 15 hours ago
The single bloke "warning her" of all the "dangers" Jon poses isn't a nice guy, he's a Nice® Guy™. One of those who thinks women are like vending machines that once he's put enough NiceGuy℠ Tokens© in she'll blast away his mountain sized pile of psoriasis flakes with a leaf blower, hitch her skirt up, then hop the f**k on and ride him like he's a stolen Kawasaki.
Traveling Lady Railfan 17 hours ago
Geez ... You're gifted with a lovely boyfriend who you like for all the reasons you like him, your parents like him, your brother likes him, and your boyfriend goes through the effort of learning a new language so that he can better communicate with your family. I mean, this is an awesome fellow! Your friends sound like they watch too many TV programs or something where there's always an ulterior motive for everything, you've been given an amazing person to have a relationship with. Don't see red flags where there aren't.
V 15 hours ago
After I had been dating my boyfriend for three months his 1 year old niece preferred me to most people. We have been together 15 years, married nearly 10. Sometimes you click with the family as much as the partner.
LB 12 hours ago
Yes! I often do actually, and I miss those people more than the exes most of the time
Load More Replies...
R Dennis 13 hours ago
I worked with a Bulgarian woman and one of our regular customers was Bulgarian. I learned greeting, a few phrases, and enough for work and a light chat... it's just taking an interest in other people. (Funny story on that: Someone came in for an interview and I noticed she was from Bulgaria. I reached out my hand to shake and greeted her in Bulgarian. She pulled her hand back, looked at my name tag (average American name), looked at my face (I am BROWN), and was totally confused. I almost burst out laughing, but explained how I knew some Bulgarian. For her part, she said my pronunciation was really good! )
Just me, Happy Flower 16 hours ago
Told only her *guy* best friend 1st? I’m pretty sure I know *why* he’s trying to sabotage her relationship.
Mark Childers 14 hours ago
The so called "friend" has been waiting in the wings for her the whole time. Of course he's going to find fault in Jon. I hope she doesn't blow it with what sounds like a good guy who loves her and her family.
Ben Aziza 16 hours ago (edited)
The "Best friend" wants her. My assumption is that Instead of growing and pair and asking her out when she is single. He was too cowardly, and now he is projecting all this "manipulation and red flags" that literally personify him and all his actions in sabotaging this good relationship she has. Worm tongue a*s behavior... She has to move away from that "friend".
Nimitz 15 hours ago
Oh s**t, ditch those bitches. I remember being in a similar situation. My middle school friend's brother was deaf and I made another deaf friend at camp. I started learning ASL to talk to them. It's a lot of fun discovering communication with a deaf person. You learn a lot about another culture and yourself. It's both highly personally and socially rewarding, but also, since you already speak the language and are just learning movements that are associated, it's actually pretty easy. Eventually it just becomes muscle memory and it's satisfying in a hard to define way. Everything about the dude sounds great. But those "friends" sound like toxic bitches that never left their home town and only want "normal" people around. Dump them!
YukiChou 12 hours ago
No, she said that they only waved and smiled at her brother.
Load More Replies... Shannon Donnelly 7 hours ago
In 15 years, OP and Jon will be celebrating their 10 year wedding anniversary while her 5 "friends" will have at least 10 divorces amongst themselves because none of them could find a healthy relationship with the help of a GPS, a flashlight, or a giant clue. Lol.
Kate Johnson 15 hours ago
Obviously the "guy friend" has a crush on her. She's clearly too immature to be in an adult relationship though, if she can't make a decision for herself and must run to her friends to get some kind of consensus. Her friends sound absolutely worthless and maybe should have been left behind in high school.
Livingwithcfs 12 hours ago
Have a feeling the friends are a worried she's going to leave them. They are still children and are all learning about relationships. This bf is one step ahead of the game by upping his game. Good on him for learning signing, it's a still that will hold him in good stead in life. He actually sounds like he likes her brother and has made an effort to learn how to communicate with him
Cyndi Brittain 4 hours ago
People & their judgments are changing in the strangest ways!! Back in the day, we thought these kinds of things were beautiful - across the board!
Okiedokie 5 hours ago
I would dump those friends in a heartbeat. Unless OP has a habit of going through guys & they’re secretly trying to spare HIM there’s absolutely zero reason to throw this dude under the bus. It took me years after my divorce to even consider a dynamic with another person on a serious level. I have a child with severe special needs. When my partner showed an interest in my son & daughter without being apprehensive of my son & gave a big belly laugh when I started talking about his sillier moments that make most people stop & stare or even look on in disgust, I knew. I didn’t think for one second it was creepy.
WonderWoman 5 hours ago
As the saying goes: With friends like that, who needs enemies! SMDH how utterly disgusting to try to undermine a wonderfully sweet gesture. Sh!tty people
Beth Wheeler 6 hours ago
My husband's niece was born with hearing loss and got hearing aids at 18 mos. She was 5 when we started dating and it didn't take very long for me to understand her. She wasn't taught ASL in school but she picked it up from the other hearing impaired kids in her class. She was in public schools until highschool and really wanted to go to the private christian school at their church. My SIL and BIL agreed as long as she kept her grades. She was on the A honor roll the whole time and went to UNC. She got Cochlear Implants during a summer break and her hearing and speech are better. I happened to be working in CT the day the implants were activated. It was raining that afternoon & when my SIL pulled out.of the parking lot my niece could hear the windshield wipers. When my SIL told me that I cried. Most people can't or have a hard time understanding hearing impaired people. For Jon to secretly learn ASL is great, it sounds like he is genuinely a nice!
LittleB 7 hours ago
This is a definite giant green flag in my book! He sounds like an absolute keeper!! I don't think many guys would rakerhe time to do something like this, and this would take some serious effort and time to learn. Big kudos to him - he sounds like a great guy! The comments from your guy friend suggest perhaps he is abit jealous and making your boyfriend out to sound creepy so he can muscle in. I say stick with green flag guy (sorry I'm not sure of his name) he sounds like a total legend!!!
Captive 12 hours ago
OP needs better friends. There are only green flags all over and he's a great guy. Why break up? Stupid
winterwidow87 9 hours ago
They didn't break up? She states in the comments she's re-evaluating her friends and their motives instead.
Load More Replies...
The Starsong Princess 1 hour ago
He sees a future with you and wants to connect with your family. He expects to see them again. Worst case scenario, he learned something new. He sounds like a Keeper, the friend does not.
Roxie Carter 1 hour ago (edited)
It's very simple - the friend group never made any effort to communicate with her brother. Now that the boyfriend is doing what they should have done years ago, they are doing some BS finger-pointing so they don't look so bad in comparison.
Chris the Bobcat 2 hours ago
I wouldn't worry about what said 'friends' say, and I would set a clear boundary that they are not to talk about the boyfriend if they can't say anything nice. If they break that boundary (which they probably will), give them one chance, and if they break it again, I would distance myself. I don't think the friends have her best interests at heart, and she should be wary. After five months, the boyfriend is likely just a good guy who is trying to get along with her family. It won't take a lot of time to tell if the 'friends' are good friends or not.
Apatheist Account2 8 hours ago (edited)
Whilst it's entirely possible that he's doing it for ulterior motives - it's an extra hook into her to guilt her into not splitting up, he may be a closet gay and really into her brother - unless there's any evidence to the contrary, most normal guys would do something to accommodate their partner and their relationships, so I give him credit for doing it as a good thing that allows him to be in her life fully. I'd see it as akin to learning a language to be able to speak to her family if they're from another country. Quite how one can sign while operating a game controller is a bit of a mystery though....
BrownEyedPanda 9 hours ago
Those "friends" are nothing more than shallow, mean ableists. That "really close" guy is a major problem, trying to spread seeds of doubt in OP'S head, hoping they'll take root and manipulate her into dumping her boyfriend. I'm glad she's taking three steps back and analyzing the situation. The sooner she dumps that toxic trash, the better.
kkrq2vk4tm 9 hours ago
If you're that easily influenced then you need to take a good long look at yourself and work out why you are so insecure you can't make your own mind up about what seems a very kind gesture
winterwidow87 9 hours ago (edited)
You're talking as if she's going to dump her boyfriend because of her friends, when she clearly states in the comments she has opened her eyes about her so called friends and their intentions.
Load More Replies...
Arabiata Arabiata 11 hours ago
I warn the OP, that some day Jon will eat tow sticks if the OP's french fries -> red flag, and (Ohh, my God) maybe wants to marry her later. This behavior is offensive, creepy. Run girl, run. Your "friends" know exactly what is good for you.
Bowtechie 17 hours ago (edited)
Am I the only one who thinks the single guy best friend has a crush on OP? The vibe I'm getting is he's a closet "nice guy" hoping to show how he's the catch by putting a genuine catch like Jon down, and the other friends are in on it.
MegDragon 17 hours ago
There are people who take up learning sign language because they have a couple classes with a deaf person. What’s the evil plan there? Five months in, and she’s bringing him to the family, it makes a lot of sense for him to make an effort.
person (i think) 5 hours ago
I have a friend who is learning ASL for exactly that reason!
Load More Replies... Michelle C 17 hours ago
I wonder if they’re afraid to lose her and they’re trying to sabotage her relationship with Jon because they’re afraid of that possibility. They’ve also exposed that they don’t have the kind hearts that the couple and her family have. That kind of man is a keeper!
LB 13 hours ago
Right? I was thinking maybe they're calling it a red flag to redirect attention from the fact none of them ever tried to interact with the brother
Load More Replies... Doodles1983 16 hours ago
I think OP NEEDS better friends. At this point Jon sounds respectful, and empathetic. Her other friends don't bother with her brother after years? Wow.
Steve Sharpe 15 hours ago
The single bloke "warning her" of all the "dangers" Jon poses isn't a nice guy, he's a Nice® Guy™. One of those who thinks women are like vending machines that once he's put enough NiceGuy℠ Tokens© in she'll blast away his mountain sized pile of psoriasis flakes with a leaf blower, hitch her skirt up, then hop the f**k on and ride him like he's a stolen Kawasaki.
Traveling Lady Railfan 17 hours ago
Geez ... You're gifted with a lovely boyfriend who you like for all the reasons you like him, your parents like him, your brother likes him, and your boyfriend goes through the effort of learning a new language so that he can better communicate with your family. I mean, this is an awesome fellow! Your friends sound like they watch too many TV programs or something where there's always an ulterior motive for everything, you've been given an amazing person to have a relationship with. Don't see red flags where there aren't.
V 15 hours ago
After I had been dating my boyfriend for three months his 1 year old niece preferred me to most people. We have been together 15 years, married nearly 10. Sometimes you click with the family as much as the partner.
LB 12 hours ago
Yes! I often do actually, and I miss those people more than the exes most of the time
Load More Replies... R Dennis 13 hours ago
I worked with a Bulgarian woman and one of our regular customers was Bulgarian. I learned greeting, a few phrases, and enough for work and a light chat... it's just taking an interest in other people. (Funny story on that: Someone came in for an interview and I noticed she was from Bulgaria. I reached out my hand to shake and greeted her in Bulgarian. She pulled her hand back, looked at my name tag (average American name), looked at my face (I am BROWN), and was totally confused. I almost burst out laughing, but explained how I knew some Bulgarian. For her part, she said my pronunciation was really good! )
Just me, Happy Flower 16 hours ago
Told only her *guy* best friend 1st? I’m pretty sure I know *why* he’s trying to sabotage her relationship.
Mark Childers 14 hours ago
The so called "friend" has been waiting in the wings for her the whole time. Of course he's going to find fault in Jon. I hope she doesn't blow it with what sounds like a good guy who loves her and her family.
Ben Aziza 16 hours ago (edited)
The "Best friend" wants her. My assumption is that Instead of growing and pair and asking her out when she is single. He was too cowardly, and now he is projecting all this "manipulation and red flags" that literally personify him and all his actions in sabotaging this good relationship she has. Worm tongue a*s behavior... She has to move away from that "friend".
Nimitz 15 hours ago
Oh s**t, ditch those bitches. I remember being in a similar situation. My middle school friend's brother was deaf and I made another deaf friend at camp. I started learning ASL to talk to them. It's a lot of fun discovering communication with a deaf person. You learn a lot about another culture and yourself. It's both highly personally and socially rewarding, but also, since you already speak the language and are just learning movements that are associated, it's actually pretty easy. Eventually it just becomes muscle memory and it's satisfying in a hard to define way. Everything about the dude sounds great. But those "friends" sound like toxic bitches that never left their home town and only want "normal" people around. Dump them!
YukiChou 12 hours ago
No, she said that they only waved and smiled at her brother.
Load More Replies... Shannon Donnelly 7 hours ago
In 15 years, OP and Jon will be celebrating their 10 year wedding anniversary while her 5 "friends" will have at least 10 divorces amongst themselves because none of them could find a healthy relationship with the help of a GPS, a flashlight, or a giant clue. Lol.
Kate Johnson 15 hours ago
Obviously the "guy friend" has a crush on her. She's clearly too immature to be in an adult relationship though, if she can't make a decision for herself and must run to her friends to get some kind of consensus. Her friends sound absolutely worthless and maybe should have been left behind in high school.
Livingwithcfs 12 hours ago
Have a feeling the friends are a worried she's going to leave them. They are still children and are all learning about relationships. This bf is one step ahead of the game by upping his game. Good on him for learning signing, it's a still that will hold him in good stead in life. He actually sounds like he likes her brother and has made an effort to learn how to communicate with him
Cyndi Brittain 4 hours ago
People & their judgments are changing in the strangest ways!! Back in the day, we thought these kinds of things were beautiful - across the board!
Okiedokie 5 hours ago
I would dump those friends in a heartbeat. Unless OP has a habit of going through guys & they’re secretly trying to spare HIM there’s absolutely zero reason to throw this dude under the bus. It took me years after my divorce to even consider a dynamic with another person on a serious level. I have a child with severe special needs. When my partner showed an interest in my son & daughter without being apprehensive of my son & gave a big belly laugh when I started talking about his sillier moments that make most people stop & stare or even look on in disgust, I knew. I didn’t think for one second it was creepy.
WonderWoman 5 hours ago
As the saying goes: With friends like that, who needs enemies! SMDH how utterly disgusting to try to undermine a wonderfully sweet gesture. Sh!tty people
Beth Wheeler 6 hours ago
My husband's niece was born with hearing loss and got hearing aids at 18 mos. She was 5 when we started dating and it didn't take very long for me to understand her. She wasn't taught ASL in school but she picked it up from the other hearing impaired kids in her class. She was in public schools until highschool and really wanted to go to the private christian school at their church. My SIL and BIL agreed as long as she kept her grades. She was on the A honor roll the whole time and went to UNC. She got Cochlear Implants during a summer break and her hearing and speech are better. I happened to be working in CT the day the implants were activated. It was raining that afternoon & when my SIL pulled out.of the parking lot my niece could hear the windshield wipers. When my SIL told me that I cried. Most people can't or have a hard time understanding hearing impaired people. For Jon to secretly learn ASL is great, it sounds like he is genuinely a nice!
LittleB 7 hours ago
This is a definite giant green flag in my book! He sounds like an absolute keeper!! I don't think many guys would rakerhe time to do something like this, and this would take some serious effort and time to learn. Big kudos to him - he sounds like a great guy! The comments from your guy friend suggest perhaps he is abit jealous and making your boyfriend out to sound creepy so he can muscle in. I say stick with green flag guy (sorry I'm not sure of his name) he sounds like a total legend!!!
Captive 12 hours ago
OP needs better friends. There are only green flags all over and he's a great guy. Why break up? Stupid
winterwidow87 9 hours ago
They didn't break up? She states in the comments she's re-evaluating her friends and their motives instead.
Load More Replies... The Starsong Princess 1 hour ago
He sees a future with you and wants to connect with your family. He expects to see them again. Worst case scenario, he learned something new. He sounds like a Keeper, the friend does not.
Roxie Carter 1 hour ago (edited)
It's very simple - the friend group never made any effort to communicate with her brother. Now that the boyfriend is doing what they should have done years ago, they are doing some BS finger-pointing so they don't look so bad in comparison.
Chris the Bobcat 2 hours ago
I wouldn't worry about what said 'friends' say, and I would set a clear boundary that they are not to talk about the boyfriend if they can't say anything nice. If they break that boundary (which they probably will), give them one chance, and if they break it again, I would distance myself. I don't think the friends have her best interests at heart, and she should be wary. After five months, the boyfriend is likely just a good guy who is trying to get along with her family. It won't take a lot of time to tell if the 'friends' are good friends or not.
Apatheist Account2 8 hours ago (edited)
Whilst it's entirely possible that he's doing it for ulterior motives - it's an extra hook into her to guilt her into not splitting up, he may be a closet gay and really into her brother - unless there's any evidence to the contrary, most normal guys would do something to accommodate their partner and their relationships, so I give him credit for doing it as a good thing that allows him to be in her life fully. I'd see it as akin to learning a language to be able to speak to her family if they're from another country. Quite how one can sign while operating a game controller is a bit of a mystery though....
BrownEyedPanda 9 hours ago
Those "friends" are nothing more than shallow, mean ableists. That "really close" guy is a major problem, trying to spread seeds of doubt in OP'S head, hoping they'll take root and manipulate her into dumping her boyfriend. I'm glad she's taking three steps back and analyzing the situation. The sooner she dumps that toxic trash, the better.
kkrq2vk4tm 9 hours ago
If you're that easily influenced then you need to take a good long look at yourself and work out why you are so insecure you can't make your own mind up about what seems a very kind gesture
winterwidow87 9 hours ago (edited)
You're talking as if she's going to dump her boyfriend because of her friends, when she clearly states in the comments she has opened her eyes about her so called friends and their intentions.
Load More Replies... Arabiata Arabiata 11 hours ago
I warn the OP, that some day Jon will eat tow sticks if the OP's french fries -> red flag, and (Ohh, my God) maybe wants to marry her later. This behavior is offensive, creepy. Run girl, run. Your "friends" know exactly what is good for you.
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