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“Do You Clap When The Plane Lands?”: People Share 30 Questions You Should Definitely Ask Before Dating Someone
It’s essential that couples are on the same page in order for their relationship to flourish. If your and your partner’s values, goals, and daily lives are compatible, you’ll probably have your Happily Ever After. However, if you’re misaligned, the odds are that things will eventually end in tears and heartbreak. So it makes perfect sense to get to know someone before committing to them just because they have beautiful eyes or they were nice to you that one time.
Redditor u/RedditPenguin02 sparked an interesting online discussion, as people shared what questions it might be a pretty good idea to ask someone before starting to date them. We’ve collected some of the best ones—from the super serious to the slightly silly—to share with you. Scroll down to check them out!
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
Are you married?
Squibit314 replied:
I would ask that. If they said no, the next question was “would your wife agree?”
If they laughed, they were telling the truth.
If they got indignant and pissed off that I thought they were lying…they were married.
Worked every time.
Ben 2 years ago
Not sure this is sound advice. I wouldn't laugh and I am not married... or am I?
Sonja 2 years ago (edited)
It's still a green flag when people can choose to be offended but instead decide it's a funny joke. I don't want to dis you, especially since I don't know you at all. But see it that way. A person who gets angry at a bit of silly talk is definitely not a bad person. But a difficult one for sure. A person who can take a bit of harmless silliness with a laugh is more likely to be relaxed in other, potentially stressful situations. I'd rather be with a person that can laugh at a mishap or a slightly odd comment than a person who gets angry about something trivial like that comment, or a server dropping a glass of ice water in their lap, or the puppy puking in their shoes, or my brother making a slightly odd comment, etc. People who have a sense of humour and can laugh at a joke on themselves are always good to be around. But people who never laugh or only laugh about others are usually not so nice to be around and not good partners.
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LB 2 years ago (edited)
I started dating almost as soon as I finally worked up the courage to separate from my abusive (now ex) husband. But it was one of the first things I told prospective dates - I’m separated and in the process of getting a divorce. I understood it could be a dealbreaker for some people and definitely didn’t want to have to reveal my marital status like some terrible secret if things progressed with someone new. Worked out well for me.
Ken Beattie 2 years ago
Honesty is amazing like that. And glad to hear it worked out.
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RELATED:
#2
Do I like them, or do I just like that they like me?
Green Machine 2 years ago (edited)
It's good to ask yourself honest questions like this. It can help clarify your true feelings so you don't end up leading people on.
Princess Mar-li Cathryn 2 years ago
One of my best friends has a serious problem with this; she thinks she owes any man who likes her a date and she ends up miserable.
#3
Ask them about their exes. If they think every single one of them is an a*****e...they are likely the real a*****e.
Brenda 2 years ago
I only have one ex who I don't think highly of. Heck, I even like my ex-husband.
ToGo 2 years ago (edited)
I went on a date with a guy who had 3 ex girlfriends. He went through each of them and explained how crazy they were. It was clear he was just very bitter that they left him and he was in fact the nutty one. I told him I think I'm too crazy for him and left. The guy was 39, I had hoped dating older meant more mature. I was wrong. EDIT: should've mentioned that I never brought up the subject of ex's.
rob 2 years ago
Yes because many bad things can happen that actually make the other person the a*****e. this point is pretty bad, cant believe this is #1
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Michael Largey 2 years ago (edited)
I don't really think this is always a good early-in-the-relationship type of question. It can be both intrusive and insensitive if you're just getting to know the person. Later on, it can be a more useful question, one whose answer you will be more prepared to interpret and understand.
Ken Beattie 2 years ago
I understand what you're saying, but I guess if you're looking to save time and effort it's effective. If the person is offended by the question then even that is a sign the relationship might not work.
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Celtic Pirate Queen 2 years ago
I was married (briefly, it didn't even last a year). I didn't know: he was bipolar and was supposed to be on medication, he was discharged from the Navy for "mental health issues" & once I got to know him a bit better knew there was no way his double digit IQ got him into a SEAL unit, he stalked & harassed his ex gf & went to jail for a while, they had a son together who died of SIDS at 8 months. Once the ring went on my finger he started telling me all the things I needed to change: I laughed too loud (damn right. I'm boisterous & make no apologies), I wasn't "allowed" to hug a male that was not a family member (half my friends were guys, whom I will hug whenever TF I want), my jeans were too tight, etc. I realized pretty quickly I had made a horrible mistake. Last straw was when I got a call from a collection agency for a medical bill (his). He just threw them all in a drawer without paying any of them & they garnished MY wages because I made a lot more money. Psycho.
Unfortunately, just because someone gets married doesn’t mean that it’ll be for life. Divorce can be a very messy and expensive affair, especially if the couple is no longer on even semi-friendly terms with each other.
Divorce rates in the United States are staggering. Psychology Today notes that around half of first marriages end up in divorce. Meanwhile, the rate is even higher for second (67%) and third (73%) marriages.
However, Forbes points out that the divorce rate has dropped from 4 instances per 1,000 people in 2000 to 2.5 per 1,000 in 2021. The marriage rate has declined as well, from 8.2 to 6 in that same timeframe.
#4
Do they have any pets?
You can tell a lot about someone from how they treat and care for their pets, most of the time.
tuzdayschild 2 years ago (edited)
For me, liking and being kind to animals is a non-negotiable requirement.
BookFanatic 2 years ago
That's how my BF got a second date with me. I asked him if he had pets and he immediately whipped out his phone and started showing pics of his cats.
Yu Pan 2 years ago
I show my cat's pictures unprompted. Everyone must see my cat 20 identical napping pictures and express interests or they are out.
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Peter 2 years ago
Sorry not sorry. I'm not going to like wasps and mosquitoes
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R Dennis 2 years ago
I don't know about this one... I had a cat for 15 years and can't imagine having another one after her. (R.I.P. Lucy-furr Meow-meow). We had a dog for 17 years (R.I.P. Bellacino) and the only reason we have another is because we got her a puppy when she was older and it kept her going a few more years. That dog is 10 and we got her a companion... after these two, I don't think I can handle losing another. So I think we will be done.
Marcos Valencia 2 years ago
Or their children... their partners... their co-workers... their neighbours...
Ken Beattie 2 years ago
Yeah but you can't see how they treat those until you're in a relationship. Considering this is about questions to ask *before* dating. If you were on tinder and asked someone if they liked their coworkers how could you possibly judge the response? If they said no, they could literally have a*****e coworkers.
Load More Replies... censorshipsucks 2 years ago
I prefer no pets because I like to just up and go on holiday without responsibilities. I have kids but I can drop them at their mom or bring them. Most places are easier to access for pet humans than quadrupeds.
Tony James 2 years ago
If you have a cat, the cat comes first. Totes understandable. Honestly, I'm probably only dating you for cat-access privileges. If you have a dog, please swipe left.
#5
Do you want kids in the future?
If one person wants kids and the other wants to stay childfree, then they are not compatible. And it is better to try dating someone else.
Aline 2 years ago
Try how important is having kids to you? there's no need to approach this subject differently to others, but you need to know, when push comes to shove what each person wants the most. My partner didn't feel strongly about kids, but I was adamantly against, we are very happy and childfree.. He felt very strongly about where we live, I was ok with the location, so it has worked out. Etc.
Mike Loux 2 years ago
My wife and I sat down about a year into our marriage and talked it out. I thought I wanted kids, because it was "what's expected of you," but I also got a ball of ice in the pit of my stomach when I thought about having kids. We agreed that we weren't gonna have kids. That was over 20 years ago. We are child free, thoroughly enjoying life, and we regret nothing.
Load More Replies... Tony James 2 years ago
100%. There are lots of things that you can compromise on - "honey, I want to live in a log cabin way out in the wilds and live off the land." Ok, I'll go along with that, on the condition that 1 week per quarter we go on vacation to a city where there's art and culture and restaurants where they don't serve squirrel. But children are a binary - you can't try it and give them back if you don't like it. I don't want children - never have - so dating someone who does (or might) in the hopes that they won't (or in their hope that you might change your mind) is a non-starter.
Ken Beattie 2 years ago
While having children might be a binary choice I think the desire to have children is not. It's trinary. Yes, no and ambivalent. The strong yes and no are mutually exclusive, but if someone is ambivalent then that works in any combo. I'd also believe that if partners are diametrically opposed it could still work out since people can and do change their minds. It just needs to be clear up front so there are no illusions.
Load More Replies... Marcos Valencia 2 years ago
That's something very personal and nobody should give advices in this sense... Also, people changes. My idea of having children wasn't the same at 28, when I met my now wife, and at 38, when we mutually decided having our first child. There is evolution and a couple can become a family by its own development.
Panda Kicki 2 years ago
I asked that. Had it been a no we would have separetedas friends. 4 kids now.
Anonymous 2 years ago
I didn't ask this question. After we got married, she told me she never wanted kids. I loved her and thought she would eventually change her mind. It has been 36 years, and she never changed her mind. Now it is too late for her to have kids. I regret not asking first, and I regret not ending the relationship when I found out.
C Lawson 2 years ago
Are you regretting the entire marriage? Or just that you didn't ask first? Hopefully the marriage has been good other than that issue, especially for that long.
Load More Replies... Celtic Pirate Queen 2 years ago
Not having kids under the age of 18 (or shared custody). I never want to be a full time stepmother again, my ex's kids were absolutely awful - mainly his fault for being a sh*tty parent, but once bitten twice shy. My now husband has three kids, but they were all grown & on their own when we met and they're decent people.
#6
How do you feel about a woman's right to be a fully autonomous person?
Marcos Valencia 2 years ago
For some reason, my wife never asked that. She just acted like a fully autonomous person.
Load More Replies... Themoonprincess 2 years ago
Where I come from, during arranged marriage discussions, we can always hear the bride's parents or relatives saying, "oh the groom and his family is so nice. They'll even let her study/go to work after marriage". *Facepalm*.
Roger9er 2 years ago (edited)
'Let her'. Wow, nice dog you got there! *Cynicism modus off*
Load More Replies... Roger9er 2 years ago (edited)
Completely ridiculous that this question even exists. If you understand what I mean. (NO MAN should making decisions about a woman/her body, only if it is a medical emergency, so a doctor. No other).
Royal Stray 2 years ago
That's what I mean if someone would ask me this I would assume they were trying to be political since the answer is so obvious.
Load More Replies... censorshipsucks 2 years ago
On this one all women should decline to date a person who wants to Handmaid's Tale a woman, and therefore, make them into an incel. If enough men are forced into inceldom maybe they will take the f*****g hint. NOT YOUR BODY. NOT YOUR SAY.
Royal Stray 2 years ago
I'm a woman and I'd be weirded out if someone asked me that on a first date, like no s**t women should be treated as fully autonomous people but I would assume that whoever asked that have some incredibly strong political views.
“One common explanation for the failure of second and third marriages is that a significant number of people enter a second or marriage on the rebound of a first or second divorce. Often the people concerned are vulnerable; they do not allow sufficient time to recover from their divorce or to get their priorities straight before taking their vows again,” Mark Banschick, M.D., writes on Psychology Today.
According to the divorce expert, some people may not have “internalized the lessons of their past experience,” and so they’re likely to repeat the mistakes from their past relationships.
#7
Ha Ha, these questions reveal more about the questioner than the answerer. I think maybe we should also ask, "What questions when asked by a potential date, are red flags for you?"
Legal Document Process Service 2 years ago
Yea, quit quizzing me, bruh! This isn’t a math test. Eat your meal (lips closed, please) and let’s have a joyful conversation. 🤣😂
Ken Beattie 2 years ago
In this day and age, I assume the questions are pre-dating, like on Tinder or whatever app people are using. So they'd be asked *before* you even get to a meal.
Load More Replies... Royal Stray 2 years ago
I'd say that's more in the orange and it depends on how many dates you've been on/ how well you know the person. I mean I'd sort of like to know if whoever it is has any experience in bed, or if I should ask them to take a STD test
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#8
What temperature do you set the thermostat to throughout the year?
djdante replied:
Haha this one always gets me as someone who needs low temps - you can always put on more clothes, I can't peel my skin off to get cooler...
Isa's left eye 2 years ago
66-69 F (18.888889-20.555556 c). Apparently I'm the odd one out, by these comments.
Legal Document Process Service 2 years ago
No, you’re the best! Never miss a 69 joke! Yes, I’m a grown woman in a 14 year old boy’s mind! 🤣😂
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Marcos Valencia 2 years ago
99% of the time, mother nature set the thermostat. We have a nice climate in our area.
Philly Bobcat 2 years ago
62F believe it or not... unless it gets super cold up here. (I'm on a mountain in NE PA USA so yeah, it has gone to -17F!) Then it's 68 to 70.
Missy VanWinkle 2 years ago (edited)
Currently 80F with a fan on me. Doing my part to use less electricity! Ex preferred 68 summer and winter. This is a good deal breaker question.
Appalachian Panda 2 years ago
66-68F in winter and 73-75F in the summer (but there has to be a fan in the room).
#9
Aside from major differences about finances, kids, politics, or religion, a big one is; What are your hobbies? If they don’t really have any, you may be the next hobby, which isn’t going to work unless you’ve got that kind of time. If the hobbies are time consuming ones generally done with a SO, but you have no interest in them, that could be an issue as well. If only one of you likes camping, wanted to spend vacation lounging instead of exploring, didn’t like sports, etc either that partner is annoyed or the other feels like they don’t get to enjoy what they love.
Marcos Valencia 2 years ago (edited)
Indeed. This is a completely useless advice. I went kayaking and climbing for years while my gf, now wife, spent her free time with friends.
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Kraneia The Dancing Dryad 2 years ago
Had this issue - he got annoyed, not that I didn't approve of his hobbies, but that I had no interest in them. Even though I told him in the beginning, before we even started going out. I tried to find something we both were interested in, but he didn't like anything I suggested.
v 2 years ago
"If only one of you likes camping, wanted to spend vacation lounging instead of exploring, didn’t like sports, etc either that partner is annoyed or the other feels like they don’t get to enjoy what they love." Ever hear of compromise? Being 100% matchy-matchy on all hobbies seems like it would be maddening.
Ken Beattie 2 years ago
It's not about finding someone who 100% matches your interests. It's about understanding where between 0 and 100% they align. I think 100% might actually be boring, but conversely a 0% alignment means you'll never want to do the same things. Needs to be somewhere in the middle. And I think importantly you need to understand where interests are diametrically opposite. eg: if you *love* camping and they *hate* camping then it's going to be harder to compromise about going camping. Different to one partner loving camping and one partner being ambivalent. Similarly, how important is the interest and is it something you'd expect to do with your partner (and them with you)? You'd *expect* to holiday with your partner, but you may not expect to play Magic the Gathering with them. It's easier to compromise on MtG than holidays.
Load More Replies... Celtic Pirate Queen 2 years ago (edited)
My husband is a National Kite Assn. champion. His ex was really passive aggressive and if he went to fly practice she'd come up with some way to "punish" him. So when we started dating he kind of tentatively asked me if I minded him taking his kites out for a few hours. I was like, "No. Have fun". He was hesitant and kept asking if I was sure I didn't mind. Finally I asked him WTF? and he explained. I assured him that I was a fully gown person with my own likes and hobbies & had zero problem with it. GO already. I have a new book I would really like to read & the lasagna I planned for dinner took quite a while to prepare. SO GO. They last about 4 years & we'll celebrate 16 this October. Thanks for being such an insecure PITA, Monique.
Yu Pan 2 years ago
Being non judgemental is more important to me than having a hobby or interested in the other person's hobby. I don't have any hobbies; I'm very much content to just sit and watch TV all day. If my partner loves camping or something else, that's fine. I might join too if it sounds fun. Just don't judge me because I don't have the same interests or not wanting to partake. And what makes you think I want my partner to be my hobby?
Ken Beattie 2 years ago
You're missing the point, watching TV *is* a hobby. Do you read books, or play video games, do Sudoku or crosswords or jigsaw puzzles? They're all hobbies too. Just because something is sedentary doesn't mean it's not a hobby. As for the "might join" comment, this is precisely why the post is valid. Maybe that's a deal breaker for the partner. Maybe they need someone who will always be happy to go camping. Yes compromise is important, but it's also important to realise that it's ok to have deal breakers too. Here is a good example: if your would be date is an avid hunter who likes killing, skinning and eating animals but you aren't do you think that would work?
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At the core of pretty much any long-lasting, healthy, and happy relationship you’ll find two people who love, trust, and respect one another and are deeply attracted to each other. They’ll be very open with each other, communicate often, and will draw healthy boundaries.
And you can’t get there without a lot of compatibility. It’s essential that both partners have the same expectations when it comes to the big questions like having kids, getting married, what kind of lifestyle they want to lead, and in what part of the world they want to settle down, etc.
#10
While many may not agree with this very direct method if you are truly trying to find a long-term match and not waste either person's time talk about the big-five as soon as possible. My husband and I had the talk on our second date. We've been together since 2015.
The big5 are:
* religion
* politics
* children (to have or to have not)
* finances
* deal breakers: human rights / personal ethics concerns etc.
Marcos Valencia 2 years ago (edited)
We never "had the talk". Together since 2001. Ha! Sometimes, you just like the person and want to spend more and more time together... and then you know him/her more and more... And then things keep coming.
Ken Beattie 2 years ago
Out of curiosity how did you know your partner before you started dating? I feel like it's different if you both know each other first (like coworkers, or in the same school/uni courses, or in the same friend group) compared to if you meet in a dating app or are setup on a blind date.
Load More Replies... Celtic Pirate Queen 2 years ago
I met my husband online almost 16 years ago. We got all of that out of the way before we even decided to meet in person. Thankfully, he was only my 6th date!
Blarrg 2 years ago
I agree that the big 5 are the big 5. I disagree with the final one being labeled as "dealbreakers", implying that they are the ones that _really_ matter. If you are far apart on any of these, that's often going to be a dealbreaker.
Ken Beattie 2 years ago
Obviously the others are also deal breakers, but in the example above it refers to things out side the usual. Maybe it's about having pets, or eating meat, or being active, or a bunch of other things. Even something like (not) liking night clubbing could be a deal breaker.
Load More Replies... #11
When I was dating my three essential questions were always kids, sex, and money. If you're not on the same wavelength for any of those three things, just don't even try.
rob 2 years ago
Before you start dating have a conversation about sex could also be weird. just casually bring it up immediately on the first date? soooo what are you into? how do you do it? how about blablabla?
Joe Publique 2 years ago
Yup. Hey date, do you want kids? How do you like to do it? How much money do you have? Erm, bye.
Load More Replies... David Wambold 2 years ago
So, are the kids being watched so we can have sex? Who's paying for this meal anyways? Whew got all 3.
Gypsy Lee 2 years ago
Any guy that asked about sex the first few dates wasn’t in it for the relationship.
Ken Beattie 2 years ago
Depends whether it's in the context of do you believe in sex before marriage. I wouldn't be asking "how many dates til you put out" but knowing whether a person expects to be married first is a big flag.
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#12
When was the last time you changed your mind about something?
Opens a window to how they think.
Ven Nigell 2 years ago
Right now when I decided to have a latte instead of my usual cappuccino, why? How this is useful?
Pittsburgh rare 2 years ago
This is a very good question. I was left overnight with a letter by someone who 72 hours earlier was genuinely happy to see me. Or so he said. I'll definitely ask this from now on.
But the smaller questions can reveal a lot about a person’s character, aspirations, and worldview, as well. And you can slowly start forming that picture by figuring out what someone does in their free time, what they’re passionate about, whether they tackle or avoid chores, and what their relationships are like with their family and friends.
Of course, you won’t get the full picture by talking alone: anyone can lie and flash a charming smile. So if you want to figure out whether someone’s worth dating or not, it might be a good idea to… go on a few dates with them. To put it simply, the more time you spend around them, the more you’ll see ‘the real them,’ not the image they project to others. It’s the small details, like how they treat waiters, how they behave when people are around vs. when it’s just the two of you, what they do when they’re fully relaxed, that will give you a deeper understanding of their strengths and flaws.
#13
Do you like bread? That is the extent of my flirting skills.
Pittsburgh rare 2 years ago
I'd go on a date with someone who asked questions like these. Bread is a topic l'm very much into.
Phillip Moderow 2 years ago
"If I like bread, will you have sex with me?" I really wouldn't know what to make of that question.
Tony James 2 years ago
Liking bread is fine, but toasting and scooping a bagel is a red flag the size of a very big thing.
#14
Where were you on January 6, 2021?
and_a_touch_of_the_’tism 2 years ago
Watching the news in horror and a deep sense of sadness and disgust for my country
Phillip Moderow 2 years ago
"Sitting in front of a TV watching a live broadcast, salivating. Why?" (Food Channel)
#15
I would try to take care of any dealbreakers. If I find out that she has different political values than I do, it's not going to work out in the long run, so I wouldn't bother. Same thing with other factors (religion, financial values, etc.). I would also ask how much cuddling she likes to engage in, as I prefer a lot.
Aaron W 2 years ago
Supporting a certain modern movement in the USA today is not even a political position, it's a psychological one that tells you a whole lot of other things about the person too.
RedCorvette 2 years ago
There are good people in the other political party but the offshoot of red caps are the ones people should stay clear away from.
R Dennis 2 years ago
I am gonna disagree. Someone can call me a communist or socialist because they conflate social responsibility and socialism - I am a bit conservative, but the right is so far right I am a liberal. But if you roll with people who actually carry nazi and traitor (confederate) flags, I can't even...
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MotherofGuineaPigs 2 years ago (edited)
My late husband and I differed on this. We had a no comment rule if it would end up in a heated exchange. I loved him dearly and the no comment waved off a lot of potential arguments. You can have differing opinions and still keep the people you love around.
RP 2 years ago
But these days... We are talking about basic basic human rights. There are a lot of things that are not a difference of opinion. Dogs are great is an opinion. Should we be allowed to torture them for fun... Not so much
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Saint Tim the Godless 2 years ago
Yeah, no. 50 years ago this might have been somewhat true. But today? I won't have friends or employees of THAT party, and I damn well wouldn't tolerate a spouse in it or my kids marrying one. They're out to wipe me and mine from the earth, and I'd be stupid not to recognize it.
Load More Replies... #16
Do you have kids? I asked that once and she said no. Then later after finding out she had kids, i confronted her about it and she said she didnt want to scare me off. She got so offended when i asked “so you lied instead? I cant even trust you now.”
Libstak 2 years ago (edited)
Same thing happens with work. I've had 2 ex boyfriends lie about working and then say they didn't want to scare me off because they liked me so much. Idiotically I gave them a chance and when they proved they wouldn't hold a job both said the same thing ...they on Only worked because I made them and all I cared about was money. This after many months of me covering the majority of all bills and them even using my car. Yeah cos everyone wants to live life with a blood sucking leech permanently attached to them ffs.
Nightshade1972 2 years ago
We're friends with a guy who's in his early 50s, never married. He's not opposed to the idea, but he's not interested in having children of his own. He's dated women with older kids, but he's not interested in diaper changes and midnight feedings. He's always open on his dating profiles about not wanting kids of his own. It's happened to him at least twice where he went on an initial date with someone who said they "didn't want kids," and it became clear within the first few minutes of the date that they meant "I don't want kids *right now.*" And they acted like *he* was the jerk for cutting the date short after they told him that.
Kraneia The Dancing Dryad 2 years ago
Age of the kid(s) is important. I don't care if you have kids from a previous relationship, but I relate better to older (6 and up) kids than I do babies and toddlers. Mommy instinct is not strong here. And you better have some support from the bio mom; I'm not raising them for her (or you!)
Scott Rackley 2 years ago
Any kid under 18 is no go. I'm not dealing with the ex and the custody stuff.
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Celtic Pirate Queen 2 years ago (edited)
SAME! Guy I met online. I had clearly stated in my profile that I was not interested in anyone with young children/shared custody. (I had a really bad experience being a stepmother and had no desire to go through it again). His 2 sons were 6 & 8. We'd gone on three dates when he sprung that little gem on me. I just stared at him for the longest. Finally, I just grabbed my purse and thanked him for wasting my time. I blocked him the second I got in my car.
#17
BIRTH CONTROL. And never believe "I don't take it because I can't get pregnant". Nature... finds a way.
Brenda 2 years ago
I was told I'd never get pregnant on my own, but was a perfect IVF candidate (cervical cancer 2x, extremely low estrogen). Was on the pill and using condoms. Got pregnant anyway. And again 7 years later. It can happen!
Marcos Valencia 2 years ago
Now, I feel much better regarding my vasectomy.
Load More Replies... Legal Document Process Service 2 years ago
What woman says that? And, ladies, ask about condoms; never take “I can’t feel anything with them!” They will disappear the moment you get pregnant.
TMoxraaar 2 years ago
My answer is - "well, you seemed to really want to have sex. Guess that's not true"
Load More Replies... Junebugjump! 2 years ago
Happiest day of my life when that test said... no more eggs!
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Celtic Pirate Queen 2 years ago
My husband got a vasectomy a month after we started living together. Nicest thing anyone ever did for me.
Raelene Christie 2 years ago
Has IVF to have my middle child and four years later I thought I had a tummy bug, lol turned out to be my youngest !
#18
Do they have a criminal history or any addictions you need to know about.
Pittsburgh rare 2 years ago
Well, yes. My extremely low bar with men includes having a pulse and not being a convicted felon. Might reconsider the felony or the pulse if given a good reason.
M O'Connell 2 years ago
Would you reconsider the felony if a significant amount of time had passed?
Load More Replies... censorshipsucks 2 years ago
yeah current addictions are difficult, you have to lead by example and not enable the addiction. If it's at a point where they're concealing it and stealing money to feed it, rather walk.
Kraneia The Dancing Dryad 2 years ago
Again, be honest. I can't fix you but I can support you mentally if you're seeking help.
Ven Nigell 2 years ago
...because everyone is going to answer truthfully, especially if they do. Right. I breed unicorns, wanna buy one?
#19
Are you pro-life? If I get pregnant, are you going to try to force me to give birth?
Michael Largey 2 years ago
Wrong question. Right question : "Are you anti-abortion?" Plenty of anti-abortion people are far, far from being pro-life.
Exotic Butters 2 years ago
Or, if I get pregnant are you going to try to force me to kill the baby?
Ven Nigell 2 years ago (edited)
Nope, but as a bio female lesbian I'm going to force you to tell whom you cheated with. This is too cishetero-stereotyped question to be of universal use.
#20
"Are you going to be financially dependent on me?" I wish I'd known that with literally all of my relationships after I turned 18.
Seabeast 2 years ago
The person doing the inviting pays. The invitee should then reciprocate.
Load More Replies... Stephanie Did It 2 years ago
Wait up. When X and I were talking marriage, he said, "I'm not marrying you to support you" I said "Fine, I was supporting myself when I met you." But things change. I had a heart attack, a stroke and developed some other health issues. He invoked his non-support plan and literally told me to leave. If it had been him, I would have taken care of him, as most women would. TL;Dr THINGS CHANGE. Will you?
Junebugjump! 2 years ago
Wow, what an a*****e. You are way better off even though that must have been excruciating. I've found that the number one issue with men is empathy.
Load More Replies... censorshipsucks 2 years ago
I'm ok with that as long as (a) the person isn't financially irresponsible and (b) I am earning enough to cover us comfortably. Unfortunately I've found that generally neither are the case. If a person is not self-supporting and comfortable, they become a nuisance to a menace.
Kraneia The Dancing Dryad 2 years ago
I tell folks up front I'm willing to "go Dutch" on dates. If you choose to buy me dinner anyway that's on you and I don't owe you a dãmn thing. I don't care if you choose to pay my bills (again, your choice and I don't wanna hear the "after all I've done for you" speech if it doesn't work out) . If you can pay your own bills, I'm good with that.
Celtic Pirate Queen 2 years ago
My ex husband (the one who didn't even last a year) wanted me to quit my (at the time) $35k a year job to stay home and make babies. He made $12k the only year we filed taxes together. Um, that wouldn't even cover the mortgage, let alone food or electricity. His level of delusion was one of the main reasons I booted his a$$ out.
Celtic Pirate Queen 2 years ago
To those wondering: he was a total rebound after my heart was broken by the guy I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. I knew better than to jump into another relationship, but he was like a puppy - so excited to see me every time. Yeah, hindsight's a great gift.
Load More Replies... #21
I highly encourage you ask someone you are getting to know what they are excited about in the next few weeks or month.
For me, it's critically important that the people I dated were optimistic and excited about life. Obviously that's not mean to disparage mental health struggles. But it was important that I dated someone who had a similar mindset to myself. I'm someone who finds things to be excited about. I find it jarring and off putting to date or be close to someone who can't identify things they are excited about. They don't have to be big things. But having a sunny, positive, and agreeable disposition is important - at least in my opinion.
MushroomHead22 2 years ago
I myself am someone who doesn't get excited for things. And it's not that I don't think it's exciting, or that I don't understand why someone would be excited by it, but I just don't get that jittery feeling about much. Your reaction to something may be the cheer loudly, or yell Yay! and jump, or wave your arms, and I being in the same situation would just acknowledge something happened. And it's not that I would think you were weird for actually cheering, I get it, i understand human emotion, but I just cannot do it.
Roger9er 2 years ago
There's nothing wrong with that at all. Every person has their own manual and way they handle things. And that doesn't always have to fit someone else's alley.
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Phillip Moderow 2 years ago
This is the first reasonable, helpful question I've seen in this post. I like that the person who asks it doesn't have a chip on their shoulder, looking for a fight.
Kraneia The Dancing Dryad 2 years ago
As long as you're honest with me about your mental health struggle, I'm good. Understand that I cannot "fix" you. But I will be there to listen while you get help.
#22
Are you jealous or possessive?
Seriously, people who are, it is better not to give them time to enter your life.
Joe Publique 2 years ago
You realise most jealous/possessive people don't see it in themselves, right? Better to ask that person's friends if they have those traits.
Celtic Pirate Queen 2 years ago
They either aren't aware of it, blame the other person or flat out lie.
Chexmy Licks🇯🇵 2 years ago
i am that kind of person who gets jealous easily but i can control how i think. Id rather talk about my jealousy rather than keeping it myself i want to have a healthy relationship so thats why im controlling my jealousy eheeehegheghegheghe
#23
What they do to handle stress (genuinely), if they are in any other relationships, and if they have the same intent in dating as you. Nothing worse than finding out four years later that he thinks he’s poly and never thought you needed to know.
crowspectre (he/they) 2 years ago
Not 'thinks' he's polyam, he is and was just s****y and didn't tell you.
Ken Beattie 2 years ago
So you're saying a person *knows* they're Poly from what? The moment they hit puberty or something? Seems likely that at least *some* people don't realise until they're into a relationship. While it's possible it's because they're a lousy person (or a cheat) it's also possible that they've only just realised it.
Load More Replies... Legal Document Process Service 2 years ago
These are silly questions: they will answer any way they think you want to hear. The best way to know the answer to these questions, is to actually observe people. That’s what dating is: getting to know someone through actions, not words. So, date! Enjoy! Observe! Quit nagging with 1M questions.
Celtic Pirate Queen 2 years ago
I made it very clear when I was dating that I don't do casual. And I don't have sex with strangers, so if you were thinking you were gonna get lucky on the second date - think again.
Demongrrrrl 2 years ago
My ex fiance waited six months after I'd moved in with him to tell me that he's bi and wanted to do threesomes. And that he liked to cross-dress. That was 15 years ago, and now he's a trans woman.
Junebugjump! 2 years ago
Always pay for a background check. If the person's not hiding anything then, nothing to get pissed about.
#24
Are you religious? How religious? I’m agnostic. I could date a Christian, but after decades in a very high demand religion, I couldn’t be involved with anyone who was devoted to religion.
Michael Largey 2 years ago
The question is "How will the other person's religion affect you and the relationship?"
Phillip Moderow 2 years ago
I once had an elderly couple come into the dealership looking for a luxury, four-door sedan in a conservative color, nothing flashy. They drove out in a stick shift Camaro with T-tops through no fault of my own. Relationships are like that.
censorshipsucks 2 years ago (edited)
I always say clearly on my profile that I do not want to date a religious/conspiracy person. They CANNOT keep quiet and they CANNOT stop themselves from bringing it up. It really annoys me. It's my only dealbreaker. I can handle ANY other issues but not that (unscientific beliefs). If you want to believe that, go ahead, but please keep away. Literally, family problems, money problems, etc., whatever. Just not that. Because that is super invasive.
Saint Tim the Godless 2 years ago
Good on you! There's no point trying with someone with a diametrically opposing world view. It takes a long time to learn that.
Load More Replies... Chexmy Licks🇯🇵 2 years ago
is christians and catholic the same thing? sorry for asking i want to learn more about religions and respect them if i have someone the opposite religion as me
Laura 2 years ago
Catholics are christian, but not all christians are catholics. There are different subgroups of christians
Load More Replies... #25
Toilet paper over or under?
Loolie 2 years ago
Wouldn't matter to me as I'd keep changing to over the top like I do in family members houses when I visit lol
freakingbee is going offline 2 years ago
am i the only one who doesn’t care or pay attention to the way it is
tuzdayschild 2 years ago
Just so long as you replace it when it runs out, you can turn it any way you want.
Kraneia The Dancing Dryad 2 years ago
I don't care, I'm more impressed that you put more TP out when you finish the old roll.
Mr Old School Cool 2 years ago
Neither: setting on the counter. Arachnophobia means you quickly stand up and take care of bizness
#26
How did your last relationship end?
Mr Old School Cool 2 years ago (edited)
Is there any right answer that wont upset the person asking it? Compatibility and joy are not measured by an interview question
Sonja 2 years ago (edited)
Compatibility is definitely the right answer. If someone can talk openly, fairly and peacefully about their ex it's definitely a good sign that they're mature and thoughtful AND most importantly, able to be fair and self reflective. And this is not about interviewing people, this is talking about yourself and important topics. No one said you can't ask that right back. And compatibility and joy are definitely measurable by having a good conversation about what you need and want from a relationship. People who get defensive when you try to get them to open up about their expectations are either well aware that their expectations are unreasonable or difficult to be around. No one has time for guessing games. Modern relationships base on trust and open communication. If you're unwilling to talk about yourself and communicate, you're not a great partner to have.
Load More Replies... Ducklord88 2 years ago
"Once a cheater always a cheater" - wise words from my mom and probably other people
Amanda 2 years ago
I got the 'grew apart' line... 6 months later, the reason for 'growing apart' was his substance misuse issues.
Load More Replies... #27
Probably questions related to spending habits and how much "stuff" they like to have. Poor financial management and hoarding are crushing factors in a relationship.
The older guy of a family in the neighborhood died near the beginning of the year. The wife was moved to assisted living last month, and they took one large uhaul of stuff out of the house, and then I'm told the house flippers loaded 6 (yes SIX) large (40 cubic yard) garbage dumpsters of hoarded... stuff... out of the house.
Don't be that family. Run away from people with tendencies like this. You will be unlikely to ever cure them of it.
Celtic Pirate Queen 2 years ago
Being tidy is important to me. I love my home & it shows in how I care for it. My husband told me once that seeing how clean & beautiful my apartment was was one of the main things he loved about me. That and my huge hardback collection.
Samsquatch 2 years ago
What’s wrong with not wanting to throw out all of my stuff? So what if I have a messy room- it’s not bad stuff or anything-
Ken Beattie 2 years ago
Depends what is being hoarded, if you're keeping old newspapers and tv guides and empty tv dinner boxes then it's a problem. Ditto if you're keeping all your clothes even after they're worn out to the point you can't wear them anymore. And of course if you're keeping mounds of gold coins and gems you're not a hoarder, you're a dragon.
Load More Replies... Junebugjump! 2 years ago
Totally agree. I have to deal with my mom's hoarded mess now. What b******t.
Stephanie Did It 2 years ago
But many hoarders do not start out that way. It usually starts later in life and if they don't have family members who are, you wouldn't know
censorshipsucks 2 years ago
That photo looks familiar to me, it's pretty stressful dealing with hoarders.
#28
Do you clap when the plane lands?
Kraneia The Dancing Dryad 2 years ago
I used to do this. Then they put those stupid flap things on the roofs of the cars and now all they do is skid mostly...
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Jared Robinson 2 years ago
What is wrong with clapping when the plane lands? There are people who clap when something cool happens in a movie theater. Where no one doing the cool s**t can even hear acknowledge or even know about it. S**t I would love to get an applause for any job I do. What is wrong with applauding your pilots for getting you somewhere safely and also not allowing anyone to hijack the plane and crash it into a building. That happens you know, there was this one time on september 11. I know some of you weren't even alive yet but look it up. It's kind of important.
Adam Belaire 2 years ago
I think people look at it as passive-aggressive. A "We didn't think you could do your job properly but you managed to do it. Good job." gesture. Would you clap for a McDonalds employee who hands you, your tray?
Load More Replies... Mario Strada 2 years ago
I clap only if the plane was flying inverted for a bit or if the pilot stuck the landing with missing gears. Otherwise it would be like if my passengers clapped whenever I parked my car.
Amanda 2 years ago
I don't mind, but I'm 5ft 1 so leg room isn't an issue
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Phillip Moderow 2 years ago
If we've just been tossed around in a blizzard for an hour, low on fuel, can't see the runway, 40-knot crosswinds, and flight attendants as scared as we are, then heck yes. Otherwise, meh.
#29
“What are you looking for in a relationship?”
Kraneia The Dancing Dryad 2 years ago
Obvious, but not everyone thinks to ask.
Load More Replies... Celtic Pirate Queen 2 years ago
I think that's one of the things I liked about online dating - you could really weed out the "nopes" without ever having to meet them.
Pittsburgh rare 2 years ago (edited)
I don't think you can get a straight or honest answer to this one most of the times. Primarily because people lie and others don't really know what they want.
#30
How's your relationship with your parents?
This speaks volumes about many people.
Isa's left eye 2 years ago (edited)
Yeah cause it's definitely a dealbreaker if someone cut their toxic abusive parents out of their life... Edit: I thought the ellipsis would be good enough to not have to add /s but ig not
DrLivingstonipresume 2 years ago
No it does not. My partner has an atrocious mother (liar, thief, abuser, gambling addict, etc). On our first date I asked them about their parents and they responded "I haven't seen my dad since I was 10 and I don't have any relationship with my mother." If I would have viewed that as a "red flag" I would have missed out on the great the love of my life. Sorry to lay this truth down: many, many parents are abhorrent humans who do not deserve their children and the people who can walk away from toxic parents are stronger, more resilient, and have far greater integrity than those who stay and drag innocent bystanders into the muck with them.
Ken Beattie 2 years ago
It's not just about toxic parents though. It can be a red flag if they are 40 and their Mum still does their laundry and they *have* to visit each other twice a week. That pretty much indicates the person can't (or won't) take care of themselves so either you'll wind up doing it, or you'll have the Mum in your face the whole time.
Load More Replies... Seabeast 2 years ago
Not necessarily. Some people are estranged from their parents for good reason.
Libstak 2 years ago
Their response would cover that though you would hope
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censorshipsucks 2 years ago
Nah I have found that literally everyone Ive ever dated has parent issues. Either the mom or the dad. Usually it's about excessive nosiness or controlling behaviour.Since my experience is the same, I'm ok with someone being adversarial with their parents.
Thatkamloopsguy 2 years ago
I actually became a much better person when I went N/C with my family, so not an accurate judgement of a person.
Display_Name 2 years ago
One person tried telling my ex-hub's that a red flag was that I had a bad relationship with my mom. But I had good reasons and those reasons seem to have multiply within recent years.
#31
Would you still love me if I were a worm?
MissFox26 replied:
My husband told me he would still love me and would carry me wherever he went in a terrarium. If that’s not love then I don’t know what is!
#32
"Do you actually like me, or just the idea of me?" Alukrad replied: I like this question but it's too direct to ask it that way. I think there has to be a more tactful manner to ask it.
GlitterQueen541 2 years ago
I dated someone who loved their idea of me. It was exhausting trying to always live up to their ideations. Being on a pedestal is no fun, especially once you fall off.
#33
Do you have mental illness? If so, do you manage it?
Display_Name 2 years ago
I agree. Maybe not all of these are first date questions. I definitely don't want to unload all of baggage on the first date. I want the person to see me for me. Not the person I used to be or used to be with. I would be more open to discussing my job, my kids, my hobbies.
Load More Replies... Michael Largey 2 years ago
"Is asking you out on a date really that big a flag for mental illness?"
Dodo 2 years ago
The reasons why we have so many mental illnesses today is largely due to all the untreated illnesses of our ancestors. So downplaying them doesn't help in any way.
Load More Replies... #34
I have a set of questions like "where would a giraffe wear a tie? At the top or the bottom of the neck?" The actual answer does not matter but I think that how they approach the question and how they defend their answer tells me a lot about them Edit: Also to discuss - how would a dog wear pants? 2 or 4 legs in? - is a hot dog a sandwich? (I usually have to explain the cube theory for this one)
David Wambold 2 years ago
A) At a formal event. B) Neither- dogs shouldn't be forced to wear pants C) Yes. My turn- 1) Why do we park in a driveway and drive in a parkway? 2) Why do we ship cargo but cargo goes by ship? 3) Define the universe. Give three examples.
Sonja 2 years ago
The thing is, I'd actually enjoy talking about those questions and might have some of my own. I think it's a good way to find out if you're compatible. It's not so much about the answers as it is about the reaction. Some people like a bit quirkiness and silliness in their life, others don't. No shade on either side, you do you, but it's hard to be happy with someone who is on the other side of silly questions.
#35
Are you still living at your parents house?
Sue User 2 years ago
There is an ocean of difference between " I still live with my oarents because I am a freoader and have the emotion maturity of a child" and " I kive with my parents because my dad is sick so I help my mother"
Scott 2 years ago
That's an absolutely valid follow up. When I met my wife, she was living with her parents. It was during the major Covid lockdowns and she had recently become unemployed and couldn't afford to live on her own.
Load More Replies... RedCorvette 2 years ago
Asians don’t have this problem. We live with our parents until we get married or have children. And even then, some still won’t leave the coop.
Kraneia The Dancing Dryad 2 years ago
Context is important. Dated a fellow who was taking care of his mom, so they lived together. He joked about living with his mom but in reality she was living with him. If you get along well enough, great.
Sonja 2 years ago
I think it's a valid question but no longer with the same implications as it once had. Back in the days, when housing was affordable and wages were reasonable, staying at home was a bit strange and definitely questionable. With today's housing prices and wages it's usually a smart move.
Jon “Fouchington” Fouch 2 years ago
Lol, man look at all these people that still live with their parents trying to justify it in the comments. It's a yes or no question.
#36
Ask them what their hard demands, and hard no's are for a long term relationship.
Find out if even your most basic boundaries matchup/align.
Michael Largey 2 years ago
Hard nos for me : liver, lima beans, hard-boiled eggs, Pauly Shore film festivals.
M O'Connell 2 years ago
Neat hard boiled eggs, or things with hard boiled eggs in them as well? (egg salad, deviled eggs, etc)
Load More Replies... #37
So, how much personal debt do you have?
Source: guy who dated a woman with huge debts and was asked to pay for everything and then some.
After that, I'd go with, "Have you ever been diagnosed with borderline, narcissistic or histrionic personality disorders?"
Joe Publique 2 years ago
#2 isn't particularly insightful. Anyone who has been 'diagnosed' with a personality disorder but is genuinely working on it deserves help and support. However, the vast majority of people who have disorders such as these are completely unaware of them. Better to look at other areas of their lives such as common narcissistic traits, thinking others are always out to 'get them', thinking others are jealous of them, a tendency towards conspiratorial thinking, the constant need for attention, blowing simple things out of proportion, and so on.
Seabeast 2 years ago
Exactly. There are people with personality disorders who go through life like a wrecking ball, yet have never entered a psychiatrist's office and been diagnosed.
Load More Replies... Michael Largey 2 years ago
Rich woman: "Would you still love me if I didn't have any money?" Groucho: "Sure I would. But I'd keep my mouth shut about it."
Load More Replies... Legal Document Process Service 2 years ago
This question (all of them, actually) better not be on the first date.
#38
For me, it was knowing if my now current partner was a picky eater. Could not handle that again if they'd have said yes.
Turns out he's the complete opposite and is more pig like as he'd eat anything, and probably your hand if you left it around his face for a minute.
Sonja 2 years ago
I know what OP is aiming at but it's not the picky eater. It's a finicky and difficult personality that makes finding food for them into an ordeal. I'm friends with a woman who is a very picky eater but she's also a pragmatist who will find easy solutions for herself without bothering anyone if the main dishes are not to her liking. She can be happy with rice and lettuce if that's all she would eat of a menu and not fuss or complain about it. We were once invited to a wedding and they muddled her in with the vegans so the whole dish she got was inedible for her. She happily munched the rolls that came with dinner in little baskets with some salt and olive oil and was as happy as can be. Joyfully talking with everyone, not one complaint. Later she got a second slice of cake to feed herself to her satisfaction.
Display_Name 2 years ago
I dealt with someone who didn't eat pork but ate pepperoni, bacon, and sausage. He was "allergic" to onions but would eat onion sandwich rolls and other dishes I would sneak onion flakes into, Mexican restaurant style salsa just to name a few. He just didn't like onions.
daniel (pineapple he/him) 2 years ago
You do not mess with food allergies someone could die like that
Load More Replies... #39
Do you believe in astrological signs or spirit animals?
Kraneia The Dancing Dryad 2 years ago (edited)
These are okay. Just don't make your entire personality revolve around them.
Joe Publique 2 years ago
On a scale of 1-10, how close is this description of you? You have a desire for people to like you. You have a tendency to be critical of yourself. You have a great deal of unused capacity that you have not turned to your advantage. Disciplined and self-controlled on the outside, you tend to be worrisome and insecure inside. At times you have serious doubts as to whether you have made the right decisions. At times you are extroverted, affable, sociable, whilst at other times you are introverted, wary, and reserved. - And that, BP friends, is the Barnum Effect. When people see themselves described accurately in vague generic descriptions of personality that have no more intellectual merit than astrology or reading tea leaves. See also: MBTI, various other ‘personality’ tests, mediums, tarot cards, and psychics (see: cold reading). All using the same psychological phenomenon, all guff, and the stars and planets do not affect your life in any way.
Ducklord88 2 years ago
I really enjoy spirit animals and zodiac signs bc my zodiac sign is basically me but i wouldn't say i make those things a part of me and make it a deal breaker if they dont believe in it but if they are mean about stuff that i enjoy then thats a deal breaker
Joe Publique 2 years ago
The issue is really about whether someone is prone to influence by the Forer Effect or whether they can see it for what it is. An innocent hobby is one thing, but allowing one's life choices to be influenced by Barnum Statements speaks of deeper issues surrounding critical thinking/decision-making that some people may wish to avoid.
Load More Replies... Libstak 2 years ago
Correlation is not causation. We may be influenced but the mercury retrograde being the reason you fought with your spouse is rubbish.
Load More Replies... #40
Children, want them? Adopt? Already have them?
Religion/spirituality. For a lot you have got to be the same sect and church.
In my experience, this has been the biggest 2. Sure ther issues came up in previous experiences but they were a build up of issues. But only those 2 were big deal breaker where otherwise great chemistry wasn't enough.
#41
I’m divorced after an 11 year marriage where the last 5-6 years my wife and I barely had sex at all. She was also abusive. After I went through my post divorce man wh*re stage for a couple of months I decided to actually look for a partner again. I’d talk with potential partners for a week or so before going on a date to make sure our sense of humor and personalities were a match. I was in my mid 30’s and a lot of the women I was talking to were divorced as well. If I thought we might work out I would ask about their sex drive and how often they wanted to have sex after the honeymoon phase was over in their previous relationships. It was a really big deal for me because I never wanted to live like that again. I ended up finding a wonderful woman who has a f****d up sense of humor who’s just as horny as me. The last 2 years have been amazing and we’re the happiest we’ve ever been.
Display_Name 2 years ago
I stopped having sex with my ex because he was cheating on me and because he would actually start being mean to me right after.
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The Short Lady 2 years ago (edited)
Was your wife exhausted from working all day and taking on childcare and all or most household labor by herself? If so, she was TIRED. This will repeat in every relationship until you fix yourself.
Amanda 2 years ago
Seems like sex is the most important thing to this person. That's a red flag imho
Sonja 2 years ago
He never said it was the most important thing but it is indeed important to have a compatible libido. I'm a sexually active woman. Sex isn't the most important thing by far for me. But it is important. I would feel much less happy if my husband and I weren't compatible. It's important to be on the same page
Load More Replies... #42
What motivates you?
#43
Before starting a romantic relationship with someone, it's important to get to know them and understand their values, interests, and goals. Here are some good questions to ask before starting to date someone: What are your long-term goals? What do you enjoy doing in your free time? What are your views on important topics such as family, religion, politics, or career? What are your expectations for a relationship? What are your deal breakers in a relationship? What are your strengths and weaknesses? What is your love language or how do you like to show affection? How do you communicate in a relationship? What are your thoughts on monogamy? Have you ever been in a serious relationship before?
#44
Do you smoke?
#45
What their definition of cheating is.
Joe Publique 2 years ago (edited)
Cheating is binary. You either do or don't. There are no 'alternative' definitions.
Aidan Pite 2 years ago
Some people only count sex as cheating. Some people include emotional cheating. I'm poly so my definition is 'doing anything with anyone without telling your partner and getting their agreement'.
Load More Replies... #47
Do you have a social life that is fulfilling for you, do you expect me to be your social filler for when you are bored and want me to give up my active life to coddle you.
Ducklord88 2 years ago
This is indeed a red flag if they obly want to date you when they are bored then its not worth it
#48
Do you have any foot tattoos? It’s been a red flag for me twice now.
#49
Before a first date: What are you looking for in dating right now? Before getting in a relationship: Do you want kids, what kind of life do you want ten years from now, where do you want to live, what's your family like, how do you see finances between couples, how do you look at money/finances, are there things I need to be aware of, how often do you like to be intimate, do you want pets, how does religion play a role in your life, thoughts on drugs/alcohol/smoking, what do you value, what do you like to do for fun? Before moving in together? What do you think is a good way to split chores/bills? Which furniture stays/goes? How do we give each other space? Do we get pets? How do we help support each other? What do we do if this doesn't work out?
#50
Are you friends with any of your exes?
#51
What kind of music do you like? What media do you enjoy consuming?
The Short Lady 2 years ago
Watching Fox News would be a hard no for me, if I were ever in the dating market again.
#52
do you have a history of mental illness in your family?
The Short Lady 2 years ago
I have a branch of my family (by marriage) that has such serious problems with bi-polar disorder, schizophrenia, and addiction, that anyone who has a relationship should be aware of it. My mother didn't want us to date the kids of a family that had a long history of suicide that popped up in every generation. I can see why a person might want/need to know. Especially if you intended to have children with that person.
Load More Replies... Display_Name 2 years ago
For me that is usually discussed right after, "So, what do your parent's do for a living?" or "Where do your parents live?" Mom lives here and she does xyz for work. My dad died by suicide.
What do you think ?
LuckyL 2 years ago
What I haven't read. How much do you plan - do you plan month in advance or are you mostly spontaneous?
censorshipsucks 2 years ago
I prefer spontaneity, my ex wanted to plan in grotesque detail. We lasted 18 years.
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memyselfandI 2 years ago
By reading the instructions fully first. I helped a friend build an ikea shelf once and she could figure out how it went together— turns out she had no idea there were instructions in the box.
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wowbagger 2 years ago
I've gotten to the point where I don't trust these kinds of questions. Words are cheap, and smart, toxic people know how to give the best-sounding answers to these questions. They have an uncanny ability to guess what you want to hear. Much better to get to know someone by doing things together, meeting their friends, seeing their house, etc. Even then, there can be surprises. People can hide debt, addictions, and all kinds of bad habits for a long time. I guess I'm pretty cynical at this point.
Debbie 2 years ago
There is a big difference between saying things and doing. Some people don't know themselves. Thee answer they give is how the think they are, but it is actually how they want to be but aren't. Also most things can't be reduced to a few sentences imo. So I fully agree: experience the person in different settings/situation.
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sofacushionfort 2 years ago
The more self-awareness you’ve acquired, and the more you’ve come to enjoy just being alone or hanging out with platonic friends, the easier it is to transition into a healthy relationship. An analogy of the opposite mindset is house-hunting in a red-hot market. Want to “take your time?” Do a full walk-through, inspect for termites, wiring issues, roof decay etc? Too bad: someone else ran in and made a down payment. The difference is everyone needs someplace to live, but not someone to live with.
J K 2 years ago (edited)
my pastor gave us a marriage prep book that goes through all the hard questions systematically, chapter by chapter, all major and many minor issues. We had long talks on her parent's couch with mom & dad out of the house for about 6 weeks every Saturday. I told her how much I made & asked if she could be happy with that if she didn't get work like she said she wanted (very middle class, service job, comfortable but not rich, owned a detached starter-home house only 3 years old with a private rose garden w/ fountain water feature). She was benignly agreeable on all things. After the honeymoon, her "must-have marriage list" kicked in. Apparently her socially climbing mother had groomed her starting as soon as she could talk that she must marry an heir to a fortune who was trust fund wealthy and a doctor/lawyer/cpa or better. She forgot to consider in all the grooming that old money, wealthy family, male heirs-to-be are taught to beware of gold-digger, middle class, upwardly mobile sorority girls like her who will love them first (or only?) for their money. She lied her way into our marriage, and then served notice that everything had to change, or she was going to turn the marriage papers into divorce papers. I asked her where all of this money was supposed to come from, the Lottery maybe? I stood my ground and reminded her that we had talked about all this things before, and that she had agreed to the marriage. Her answer was, "I never agreed to come over here and to live like white trash". She kept escalating until I was so upset I asked for a separation. She called up her mother and said I had asked for a divorce with me listening. All her stuff was gone the next day and most of the bank account. She refused to talk to me, so I wrote an 8 page letter telling her was she had done. I asked nicely if we could go for professional counseling & try to salvage the marriage. She had said and done things that would end any marriage. Her answer was to file for divorce with false charges of the worst sort of faithless immoralities that she could imagine, with no real basis. I did talk to a psychologist. She said a lot but mostly that the wife was borderline psychotic with all the unreasonable hidden expectations coming out of a hidden life script she was in denial about. Apparently the stress of getting married and leaving her mother pushed her over the edge. What a nightmare!. She lied her way out of the marriage, and then began to spread the worst sort of lies about me, destroying my reputation and life. Hell had no fury like a woman spurned they say. Ladies, don't do this to your man, okay? If something comes up in the pre-marriage negotiations that you can't agree to, don't lie & say it is all okay, expecting that you will "fix everything" on threat and ultimatum of divorce. If you are that wicked, just plain evil, and psychotic like this, you have to realize that leaving in a huff like she did is not much of a threat. NO exaggerations here, this is the mild minimal version.
Cerridwn d'Wyse 2 years ago
What's your favorite genre of movies TV etc? Do you read books what's your favorite genre to read
censorshipsucks 2 years ago
Quite a good question, yes. I've found that having that cultural overlap or similarity really helps.
Load More Replies... Yu Pan 2 years ago
Religion. I don't have a religious belief and don't have any friends and family with strong religious belief or affiliation. One guy I dated was a devout Catholic but I didn't understand what a devout Catholic was until he wanted to break up because he's sad we wouldn't be together in heaven. I was like, are you serious? Do people actually think like this?
David Paterson 2 years ago
The big ones are ones you can't ask questions about. "Are you a torturer?", "Are you a psychopath?", "Are you paranoid?" You won't get true answers if they are.
LuckyL 2 years ago
What I haven't read. How much do you plan - do you plan month in advance or are you mostly spontaneous?
censorshipsucks 2 years ago
I prefer spontaneity, my ex wanted to plan in grotesque detail. We lasted 18 years.
Load More Replies... memyselfandI 2 years ago
By reading the instructions fully first. I helped a friend build an ikea shelf once and she could figure out how it went together— turns out she had no idea there were instructions in the box.
Load More Replies... wowbagger 2 years ago
I've gotten to the point where I don't trust these kinds of questions. Words are cheap, and smart, toxic people know how to give the best-sounding answers to these questions. They have an uncanny ability to guess what you want to hear. Much better to get to know someone by doing things together, meeting their friends, seeing their house, etc. Even then, there can be surprises. People can hide debt, addictions, and all kinds of bad habits for a long time. I guess I'm pretty cynical at this point.
Debbie 2 years ago
There is a big difference between saying things and doing. Some people don't know themselves. Thee answer they give is how the think they are, but it is actually how they want to be but aren't. Also most things can't be reduced to a few sentences imo. So I fully agree: experience the person in different settings/situation.
Load More Replies... sofacushionfort 2 years ago
The more self-awareness you’ve acquired, and the more you’ve come to enjoy just being alone or hanging out with platonic friends, the easier it is to transition into a healthy relationship. An analogy of the opposite mindset is house-hunting in a red-hot market. Want to “take your time?” Do a full walk-through, inspect for termites, wiring issues, roof decay etc? Too bad: someone else ran in and made a down payment. The difference is everyone needs someplace to live, but not someone to live with.
J K 2 years ago (edited)
my pastor gave us a marriage prep book that goes through all the hard questions systematically, chapter by chapter, all major and many minor issues. We had long talks on her parent's couch with mom & dad out of the house for about 6 weeks every Saturday. I told her how much I made & asked if she could be happy with that if she didn't get work like she said she wanted (very middle class, service job, comfortable but not rich, owned a detached starter-home house only 3 years old with a private rose garden w/ fountain water feature). She was benignly agreeable on all things. After the honeymoon, her "must-have marriage list" kicked in. Apparently her socially climbing mother had groomed her starting as soon as she could talk that she must marry an heir to a fortune who was trust fund wealthy and a doctor/lawyer/cpa or better. She forgot to consider in all the grooming that old money, wealthy family, male heirs-to-be are taught to beware of gold-digger, middle class, upwardly mobile sorority girls like her who will love them first (or only?) for their money. She lied her way into our marriage, and then served notice that everything had to change, or she was going to turn the marriage papers into divorce papers. I asked her where all of this money was supposed to come from, the Lottery maybe? I stood my ground and reminded her that we had talked about all this things before, and that she had agreed to the marriage. Her answer was, "I never agreed to come over here and to live like white trash". She kept escalating until I was so upset I asked for a separation. She called up her mother and said I had asked for a divorce with me listening. All her stuff was gone the next day and most of the bank account. She refused to talk to me, so I wrote an 8 page letter telling her was she had done. I asked nicely if we could go for professional counseling & try to salvage the marriage. She had said and done things that would end any marriage. Her answer was to file for divorce with false charges of the worst sort of faithless immoralities that she could imagine, with no real basis. I did talk to a psychologist. She said a lot but mostly that the wife was borderline psychotic with all the unreasonable hidden expectations coming out of a hidden life script she was in denial about. Apparently the stress of getting married and leaving her mother pushed her over the edge. What a nightmare!. She lied her way out of the marriage, and then began to spread the worst sort of lies about me, destroying my reputation and life. Hell had no fury like a woman spurned they say. Ladies, don't do this to your man, okay? If something comes up in the pre-marriage negotiations that you can't agree to, don't lie & say it is all okay, expecting that you will "fix everything" on threat and ultimatum of divorce. If you are that wicked, just plain evil, and psychotic like this, you have to realize that leaving in a huff like she did is not much of a threat. NO exaggerations here, this is the mild minimal version.
Cerridwn d'Wyse 2 years ago
What's your favorite genre of movies TV etc? Do you read books what's your favorite genre to read
censorshipsucks 2 years ago
Quite a good question, yes. I've found that having that cultural overlap or similarity really helps.
Load More Replies... Yu Pan 2 years ago
Religion. I don't have a religious belief and don't have any friends and family with strong religious belief or affiliation. One guy I dated was a devout Catholic but I didn't understand what a devout Catholic was until he wanted to break up because he's sad we wouldn't be together in heaven. I was like, are you serious? Do people actually think like this?
David Paterson 2 years ago
The big ones are ones you can't ask questions about. "Are you a torturer?", "Are you a psychopath?", "Are you paranoid?" You won't get true answers if they are.
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