Dads, the New Balance-wearing heroes, the Bermuda shorts-clad supporters, and the slightly protruding pouch-donning meat smokers. Dads are almost like some mythical beings seeing no shortcomings of wearing THE sock and sandal combo, while everyone else shies away from this fashion fiasco as if it would cost their lives. They will pinch your arm if you have a boo-boo on your knee and tell you, ‘Well, THAT doesn’t hurt anymore, does it?’ and they will also remind you your whole life of that one time you stuck a finger in a lawn chair filigree and couldn’t pull it out. However, they will also be there to support you no matter what and will often make even the gravest atmosphere lighter with that universal sense of humor typical only for Fathers. Yup, it’s the dad jokes that turn a man into a father, and it’s the dad jokes that will forever make you groan, cringe, and blow a raspberry. But admit it, you like it, and so do we.
And somehow, only dads can get away with these silly jokes - maybe it’s because they have no fear of embarrassment or maybe because of their mythical Dad Powers that can turn even the lamest joke into an uproarious event. This we have no answer to, and the only thing we can do upon hearing such a joke is to try not to roll our eyes so hard they fall out of their sockets. But let’s get to the point here - while you might think that the dad joke is the most exploited category of jokes ever, let us remind you that the generations of fathers are changing, thus spawning newer, fresher, and even more cringy jokes constantly. That’s why we’ve gathered a list of the best dad jokes that came to the Internets just recently and are offering it to you!
Now, you know what to do - do some warm-up exercises for your facial muscles in preparation to frown, chortle, and snort and scroll down below to check the au courant dose of dad jokes. Then, vote for the silly jokes that made you spill your coffee in exasperation and share these dad-isms with your friends!
I wish Covid-19 had started in Las Vegas. Because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
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I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.
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I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.
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When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.
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Air used to be free at the gas station, now it's $1.50. You know why?
Inflation.
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My wife said I was immature. So I told her to get out of my fort.
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An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.
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Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion in less than five moves. Finally, my high school karate lessons paid off.
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I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
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Which days are the strongest?
Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
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I just watched all the Harry Potter movies back to back with a friend. It maybe wasn't the best idea, because it meant I couldn't see the TV.
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I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.
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I tell dad jokes but I have no kids…I'm a faux pa!
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I invented a new word today: plagiarism!
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My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down!
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Can February march?
No, but April may!
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A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!
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Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days?
They just seem a little shady!
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I'm so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed!
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Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere!
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What's brown and sticky?
A stick!
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My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They're his watch dogs!
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Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field!
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Why couldn't the astronaut land on the moon?
Because it was full.
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Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with!
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If towels could tell jokes, I think they'd have a very dry sense of humor.
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Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That's the punch line.
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I think my wife is putting glue on my antique weapons collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns!
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Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use a honeycomb.
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This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there!
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My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn't cool.
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Five out of four people admit they're bad with fractions!
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My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.
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How does a man on the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
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Why is it a bad idea to iron your four-leaf clover?
Cause you shouldn't press your luck.
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What do you call a beehive without an exit?
Unbelievable.
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Why do vampires seem sick?
They're always coffin.
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Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
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One of my favorite memories as a kid was when my brothers used to put me inside a tire and roll me down a hill. They were Goodyears!
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I'm addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help!
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I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
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Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.
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Why do dogs float in water?
Because they are good buoys.
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Why was the coach yelling at a vending machine?
He wanted his quarter back.
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Some people can't distinguish between etymology and entomology. They bug me in ways I can't put into words.
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If an English teacher is convicted of a crime and doesn't complete the sentence, is that a fragment?
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I've been bored recently so I've decided to take up fencing. The neighbors said they will call the police unless I put it back.
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If two vegans get in a fight, is it still considered a beef?
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I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
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Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers?
They say he made a mint!
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Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He neverlands!
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Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip?
I was heels over head!
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If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?!
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I'll call you later. Don't call me later, call me Dad!
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A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asks her, "First offender?"
She says, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!"
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What rock group has four men that don't sing?
Mount Rushmore.
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A guy goes to his doctor because he can see into the future. The doctor asks him, "How long have you suffered from that condition?"
The guy tells him, "Since next Monday."
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What happens when you go to the bathroom in France?
European.
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What's ET short for?
Because he's only got tiny legs!
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I would avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy!
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I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!
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What did the Ranch say when someone opened the refrigerator door?
"Close the door, I'm dressing!"
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I was playing chess with my friend and he said, "Let's make this interesting." So we stopped playing chess.
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What concert costs just 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback!
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What do you call a mac 'n' cheese that gets all up in your face?
Too close for comfort food!
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How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them!
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Why did the old man fall in the well?
Because he couldn't see that well!
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I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes.
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What's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth-hurty.
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What is the tallest building in the world?
The library—it's got the most stories.
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What do you call it when Dwayne Johnson buys a cutting tool?
Rock pay-for scissors.
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What do you call a sad cup of coffee?
Depresso.
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My dog used to chase people on a scooter a lot. It got so bad we had to take his scooter away.
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Within minutes, the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case.
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Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?
He pasta way!
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I know a lot of jokes about retired people but none of them work!
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Why did the math book look so sad?
Because of all of its problems!
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What does the cell say to his sister when she steps on his toe?
"Oh my toe sis!"
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How do you make a Kleenex dance?
Put some boogie in it!
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Why couldn't the green pepper practice archery?
Because it didn't habanero.
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Why did the stadium get so hot after the game?
Because all the fans left.
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After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music?
Because he had a ton of sick beets.
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I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised!
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After dinner, my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it!
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This morning, Siri said, "Don't call me Shirley." I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode!
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What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?
Roberto!
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I accidentally dropped my pillow on the floor. I think it has a concushion.
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I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.
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I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.
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A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food here."
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What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing, it just waved.
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Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows?
They're making headlines.
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My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."
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What did the policeman say to his belly button?
You're under a vest!
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I never buy pre-shredded cheese. Because doing it yourself is grate.
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What do scholars eat when they're hungry?
Academia nuts.
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When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
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I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in.
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What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast!
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Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?
It was two tired!
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What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire!
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I was really angry at my friend Mark for stealing my dictionary. I told him, "Mark, my words!"
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How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
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Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket?
"Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket."
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Why do Dads take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?
In case they get a hole in one.
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What do you call a fish with two knees?
A two-knee fish!
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Student: "Can I go to the bathroom?"
Teacher: "It's 'may.'"
Student: "No, it's January."
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My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!
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My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?
"And I told him, "No it doesn't!"
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What do you call a donkey with only three legs?
A wonkey!
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What do you call a fake noodle?
An Impasta!
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I have a great joke about nepotism. But I'll only tell it to my kids.
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What do you call an ant that has been shunned by his community?
A socially dissed ant.
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Why do melons have weddings?
Because they cantaloupe!
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Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Well, I'm not going to spread it!
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What do you call a factory that sells passable products?
A satisfactory!
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Want to hear a joke about construction?
I'm still working on it!
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I'm starting a new dating service in Prague. It's called Czech-Mate.
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What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth rock.
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I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!
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How does a penguin build its house?
Igloos it together!
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What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
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What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes?
Sneakers!
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What do Santa's elves listen to ask they work?
Wrap music!
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What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?
Sofishticated.
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Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory.
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To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!
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I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole destroying!
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Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants!
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So a vowel saves another vowel's life. The other vowel says, "Aye E! I owe you!"
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When the grocery store clerk asks me if I want the milk in a bag, I always tell him, "No, I'd rather drink it out of the carton!"
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The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this!
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What rhymes with boo and stinks?
You!
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Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said "parking fine."
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St. Francis worked at Krispy Kreme. He was a deep friar.
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In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble. In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.
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A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
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I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.
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I got a hen to regularly count her own eggs. She's a real mathamachicken!
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How do you tell the difference between a bull and a milk cow?
It is either one or the utter.
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A Vicks VapoRub truck overturned on the highway this morning. Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours!
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Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
He couldn't see himself doing it!
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What do you call a shoe made of a banana?
A slipper!
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Did you hear about the bacon cheeseburger who couldn't stop telling jokes?
It was on a roll.
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I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet… But that's just nuts!
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Did you hear about the ATM that got addicted to money?
It suffered from withdrawals.
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Which U.S. state is famous for its extra-small soft drinks?
Minnesota!
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I don't really call for funerals that start before noon. I guess I'm just not a mourning person!
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