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People Share 30 Signs That Scream Someone Is Having A Secret Affair
Interview With Author
Honesty. Loyalty. Trust. These are the foundations of any loving and thriving relationship. Everything you’ve built together can come tumbling down when your partner starts being secretive and unfaithful to you. It can start with a bit of ‘harmless’ flirting, but it can soon grow into a full-blown affair.
Redditor u/Kindayoungbutok recently started a very candid thread on r/AskReddit, asking internet users about the “dead giveaways” that your partner is probably cheating on you. Scroll down to read the potential signs and learn what happened in these people’s relationships.
We reached out to the author of the viral thread, and they were happy to answer our questions about cheating and what keeps a relationship rock-solid. Read on for Bored Panda's interview with u/Kindayoungbutok.
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
If they cheated on someone to be with you, well.... don't be shocked, is all.
Mad Dragon 1 year ago (edited)
Good advice. If you were ok that they cheated on someone to be with you, don’t be surprised when they cheat on you, too.
RELATED:
#2
I had a cool/odd/crazy/s****y experience. I talk in my sleep and one day (three months before we were to get married) I had a nightmare about my ex cheating on me with a guy I worked with and I actually woke both of us up mumbling some s**t about it. When I told her what my dream was she got cagey, so I checked our cellphone bill and found out that she had been texting that very same guy non stop for weeks. I confronted her and she admitted to cheating on me with him.
A dream set me free. What's also funny is that I don't recall having any kind of trust issues with him and her when we hung out, but something inside me apparently did.
Bored Panda had a friendly chat with the author of the viral thread, u/Kindayoungbutok. We were very curious as to why the topic made such a big splash on Reddit, as well as what inspired the OP to ask the question in the first place.
"I feel like most people are very drawn to this topic because, in one way or another, most have had an encounter with infidelity. Whether it be their partners, parents, or themselves," they said why affairs are a topic that gets so much attention.
"I can’t recall why exactly I made this post, but contrary to what you might expect, I wasn’t considering if I were being cheated on or not. I was curious to see what answers other people's experiences led them to," they opened up to us.
#4
When she tells you shes having dinner with her brother... while you're having dinner with her brother
OwenHasADHD 1 year ago
No, no, it’s obvious the brother is just moving so fast he’s in two places at once! She’s definitely not cheating on you!!
#5
His phone said 'no caller id' instead of 'No Caller ID
Reinaldo Fuentes 1 year ago (edited)
Language-savvy people will spot this in an instant. I used to moderate a forum a bazillion years ago and the easiest way to spot sock-puppets was just to let them talk their talk. People are amazingly POOR at pretending to be someone else when it comes to their idiolect. So easy to spot.
#6
Oddly specific as this is how I knew- the girl he was cheating with was conspicuous in absence. He told me everything about his co-workers except for this one. I thought something was going on and sadly, I was right.
For anyone who’s reading this and either has suspicions or has been cheated on, I need you to know it’s not a reflection on you. It’s not your fault, and you will be okay. <3
OwenHasADHD 1 year ago
Yeah, it’s really not a reflection on you. It’s a reflection on the kind of person that cheater is.
Meanwhile, we were interested to get the redditor's opinion on why people cheat and their take on what the secret to a solid and happy romantic relationship is.
"I don’t think there’s a clear-cut answer to why people cheat, but I think a lack of communication is a big factor at play," u/Kindayoungbutok said.
"I believe communication and a real sense of trust are key to a healthy and long-lasting relationship. For me personally as well, I think some personal space could do couples some good. I see people engulf each other in themselves and make their lives synonymous. I don’t think that’s healthy. I think that is a recipe for resentment."
#7
When they accuse you of accusing them of cheating - and that has nothing to do with the conversation. At all.
#8
When my partner was cheating, he was really oversensitive to any implication that I didn't trust him. I'd text something like 'what are you doing?' and he'd get all defensive when it was really just a straight-up question on my part.
OwenHasADHD 1 year ago
Yeah…I don’t support those BS “trust tests” that people do sometimes, but just a simple question should not be met with defensiveness and hostility.
#9
Your gut. Always always always trust your gut.
Stardust she/her 1 year ago
My gut feeling never works for me so if I trusted it in this situation, I’d end up falsely blaming any significant other.
There are four main reasons why people are unfaithful to their partners, according to Lucia F. O'Sullivan Ph.D. The first is sexual dissatisfaction: the person might want more variety or more frequent love-making. That forces them to look for alternatives to their significant other.
Something else that can lead to infidelity is emotional dissatisfaction. For instance, someone starts seeing their partner in a different, less positive light. Meanwhile, they might be putting their trust in someone else—a colleague, friend, or a stranger, to whom they’re opening up and sharing private information with.
Two other common reasons why people are unfaithful include feeling neglected by their partner and angry at their SO, hoping to ‘punish’ them by breaking their heart.
#10
My ex used to get so angry if I walked in the door and went to pee right away. I drive an hour home from work due to traffic. Having to pee is not abnormal. He made it a thing. The bathroom was right inside the door, and he would be at the other end of the house. Apparently going into the bathroom before seeing him was equivalent to me washing off the scent of my lover. Every time he accused me of anything, looking back, that’s exactly what he was guilty of.
Wendy Herman 1 year ago (edited)
Classic Projection. I would often get screamed at for taking too long at the grocery store, on nights when he had no plans & was available to "babysit" his own kids. Other nights, he went to martial arts classes (2-3x/wk). Each class ended at 8pm, but he often didn't come home till after midnight. He was "hanging w/ the dudes" who were at least a decade younger than he was, unmarried & fancy-free. His Dad has passed away at only 42, so it may have been early-onset midlife crisis? I was in such deep denial, b/c we had 2 little kids, and I had no family I could turn to for any support, even just emotional. The divorce turned out to be the Best thing, even as gut-wrenching as it was. Hubby #2 turned out to be my reward, and we've now been married 20+ yrs. I had to get over "kicked puppy syndrome" 1st, tho, before I could open my heart again. Choose the sweet guy, ladies. There's really no such thing as "too nice". We deserve nice, not abuse of any kind.
#11
If they ask you to open up the relationship, they're either already cheating or they have someone in mind and want to do it without the guilt.
#12
Here’s a fun one courtesy of my dad and his second wife: when the tire tread pattern on the fresh snow in your driveway matches the uncommon tires on your brother-in-law’s new work vehicle.
*Edit: got way more confused replies than I expected on this. My dad’s second wife (not my mother) was having an affair with my uncle (my dad’s sister’s husband, HIS brother-in-law) and my dad figured it out after coming home early from work one night and noticing a distinctive tire width and tread pattern in his driveway that matched my uncle’s work truck, who had no reason for being there that night.*
*He went inside and asked her if
However, something else to consider is that the opportunity to cheat can actually lead to cheating! O’Sullivan notes that opportunity is “necessary but not sufficient” for infidelity to take place.
“We should not underestimate the power of opportunity, especially in situations in which we feel less responsible or unlikely to be held accountable. Being intoxicated, at a wild party, or far away from home (where you are feeling anonymous) can lead to infidelity,” she writes.
#13
When you finally get off of work early for once after working doubles and instead of txting your boyfriend that you’re on your way home you stop and get their favorite McDonald’s meal and iced coffee with your last $10 until payday as a sweet surprise I’m home/I love you gesture and you’re greeted in the hallway with them coming towards you with a shocked and angry look saying “you were trying to catch me doing something” as you’re standing there holding the food and drink in your hands like👁👁
👄
🍟🍔☕️
We were together 6 years before I got the guts to leave. It was only a couple weeks after that happened.
#14
When you find incriminating messages and the first thing she ask you is how far you went back into the message history.
She proceeds to get mad at you for violating her trust by looking at her computer even though you asked her several times (calmly and patiently) to be honest about the situation because you felt like you were going crazy.
When the divorce process starts and she decide to call you at work and tell you you can't prove anything but I let her know I took phone pics of the conversations. She flips out.
When I move out and he (her ex high school bf) moves in right after.
The month our divorce became final they get married 3 months after.
They have a child shortly after that.
Anyhow thank god it happened because while the feelings sucked and felt unsurvivable, I dodged a big a*s bullet and my current gf of several years now is wonderful and I really do feel like everything had to happen for me to end up where I ultimately needed to be.
#15
their “co-worker” sends a “goodnight babe. I love you” text in the middle of the night..
Cheating, according to Psychology Today, is a habit. If you’ve done it once, you’re more likely to do it again… and again, and again. It’s not a guarantee that someone will most definitely have an affair if they’ve had one or more before (aka “once a cheater, always a cheater”), but past actions can be used to at least model some basic behavior trends.
People who are narcissistic, score low on agreeableness, and are interested in having multiple partners are more likely to be unfaithful. However, as O’Sullivan points out, “cheating is so widespread that a handful of personality traits or attitude profiles are not going to effectively capture why people cheat.”
#16
You catch them having sex with someone else. It even worse if they don't stop.
#17
Name dropping. When they bring someone up over and over in even the most tangentially related situations. If they say it's an innocuous friendship or a collegue but their name keeps coming up all the time, chances are you're right to be concerned.
Aroace tiger (she/they/he) 1 year ago
Or they just so happen to be with this person a lot due to being good friends... I talk about my friends a lot
#19
When your wife becomes pregnant and you had a vasectomy 10 years ago.
Shark Lady 1 year ago
It's not unheard of for a vasectomy to fail, so maybe get it checked out with your doctor before pulling the plug on your relationship
#20
Changing passwords to devices after being okay with you having access to them. Lack of intimacy over long stretches of time. No longer wanting to sleep next to you at all, go on dates, or do anything a couple would usually do. And my biggest flag is finding things that you're damn sure aren't yours, but they try to pass the item off like it's always been yours.
I'll never have 'solid' proof that I was cheated on, but my instincts were screaming it when our sex life went away, then he wanted to sleep on the couch every single night. Then he started changing his passwords as my paranoia kicked in. First fight happened at this point. Next came him keeping me out of photos on purpose that he would share on his social media accounts, just in case people thought we were dating, which we were. That was when I caught him talking to someone through PS4 and online, she thought he was single. Fight two happened then and I was in denial because he was gaslighting me so much. It escalated to him wanting to be gone every weekend 'to a buddy's house' and I was never allowed to come along and eventually I found makeup in my car after one of those Pal Weekends. I don't wear makeup unless it's a special occasion, usually, and when I do wear it, it's only around my eyes so I know this didn't belong to me as it was lip gloss. Final fight and we didn't stay together.
To everyone out there, it usually starts small and gets bigger over time. Trust yourself to see the signs and leave.
#21
My ex would sleep with her phone under her pillow. I had an idea it was happening and would keep an eye on this guys MySpace. Then he posted one of the questionnaire things that were popular at the time, one of the questions was who did you last kiss? And his answer was my ex.
MySpace Tom had my back.
Edit: a lot of you seem to think that she might have been browsing the internet, this was a time before internet was available on your phone, there was nothing to do on a phone other than call and text.
Most phones also didn’t screen locks with passwords or facial recognition, anyone could get on your phone so the best way to avoid this would be hide it. Or sleep with it under your pillow so if someone does try to get it, they wake you up.
Lizz 1 year ago
Had this happen to me only it was upside down on the coffee table. Got off work early and stopped by a "friend 's" house ( I knew my so was cheating with her) with the thought of catching him there.... I didn't see him but her phone screen starts lighting up every couple of minutes.... And it got awkward and I left. Turns out he was either in the bathroom or her bedroom the whole time....
#23
When they suddenly start taking extra interest in their appearance and getting in shape by “going for walks” even up to 10 pm by the time they return and they don’t answer your worried calls because “they had music on with headphones”. And when you ask them why they didn’t answer it’s because “they didn’t hear the calls come in” despite you having the exact same phone and know that the incoming calls cut over the music.
#24
When they randomly start arguments for no reason or just start being disrespectful out of the blue.
#26
When my husband cheated, it was definitely the phone. He was hiding at night when he’d go to bed. Also, wouldn’t ever let me go to work related get togethers that the other spouses would attend.
#27
I guess I kinda allowed this to happen, but it still hurt just the same:
It was a couple of months after my Grandpa passed, and I hadn't given her the D at all in that time. Funny thing grief.....it f***s up so many things in the body.......anyway, in my grief ridden stupor, I trusted her when she said she was going for a drive with a friend to cut loose a bit. I was okay with it because i wanted her to have a good time and not be stuck in the house with my depressed a*s. She got home in a good mood and I didn't think anything of it till she went to wash *just* her underwear. I checked her phone that night after she fell asleep, and apparently, she had been talking to this guy for about a month. They had done the deed, and she wanted to make me out as the bad guy when I confronted her about it, with the evidence from her phone, saying I "pushed her to it by not having sex with her." I kicked her out in a hury, and don't really remember much except she was the one yelling and screaming. I was pretty much just numb, and I don't think I really proceeded it till almost 2 weeks later.
#28
You’re at a party and the lead singer of a band starts singing a song about your girlfriend entitled “Scotty Doesn’t Know”
#29
They admit to you they still have feelings for a “friend” they had romantic history with and continue to spend alone time with and get upset that you call them an ex 💀 Reality can be whatever they want.
LizzieBoredom 1 year ago
Some of these are not really signs, they're more like roadblocks with flashing lights and police tape warning you there's a sheer cliff drop-off 6 feet ahead.
#30
An interesting one I haven't seen in the comments yet:
They start doing more, more small gifts, more help around the house, and simply just more involved in the relationship. This isn't always the reason why there was a sudden shift, but this can be an easily missed sign. The shift can happen because they feel guilty and are trying to make it up to you, it could be them trying to manipulate you into never even considering the idea of them cheating because they're so considerate, or maybe it's them trying to make it up to you without telling you.
This isn't a sign of cheating on its own though, it's just a sign that maybe you need to pay more attention and be alert to the relationship. The reasoning for paying more attention is: maybe they're struggling with depression or stress, or they've realized they've been a bit absent, or maybe you have, or any other number of reasons; Which is why it's a sign To be alert and figure out why there's a shift.
#31
When you catch them admitting it over a security camera to their ex while you're out of state...
#32
When they suddenly stop making time for you
#33
when you come home and someone has eaten your jam
Kathryn Baylis 1 year ago (edited)
Anyone else think those slices of bread are shaped like d**ks? Or is it just me?
#34
They tell you in a moment of anger, then try to pull it back.
#35
These days, watch their phone behaviour, for starters.
Do they hide the screen when you walk behind them? Have they added a password or changed the password? (This may be innocent but could be suspicious.) Are they texting into the wee hours of the night while neglecting you? Have they disabled the little notifications that pop up without having to unlock the phone?
Some of these might not be a problem on their own, but you'll often notice other behaviours at the same time, like they ignore and neglect you more, find reasons to be in another room, take their phone to the bathroom all the time, or go for lots of breaks away from you.
You're on the lookout for secretive behaviours, neglect, and distance.
What do you think ?
Enuya 1 year ago (edited)
Unpopular opinion: Cheating sucks, that's for sure. BUT it would happen far less often if ending unhappy marriages/relationships as an adult would be less criticized. Nobody bats an eye when a teenager changes partners every few months or even years. Adults do mistakes when it comes to relationships too AND they should be able to end it (yes, even when there are children in the picture, it's better to have happy, divorced parents than miserable married ones) without being treated like a villain. Not every love is for life and even when it is, sometimes people change and are better without each other.
Amanda Lalonde 1 year ago
My marriage ended because I had cheated, I'm not proud of myself and our relationship had no intimacy for approximately 6-7 before the cheating, but I avoided spending any time with my ex. I had grown to hate being around him because it was always the same, video games, drinking,and bitching
Lisa H 1 year ago
With all due respect, that doesn't justify cheating. Sorry if you already know this, but you should have broken up with him first. You took the easy way out instead of the right way.
Load More Replies... Lisa H 1 year ago (edited)
I got one: when their best friend flat-out tells you they're cheating on you. I remained friends with the best friend and he was no longer the ex's best friend. Still friends, but not as close anymore. He probably resented his friend for putting him in that position. The ex's excuse? We hadn't talked in a while so he just assumed it was over. The reason we hadn't talked in a while? I was across the country in Marine Corps Recruit Training and he KNEW when I was going. What's more is he was also a Marine and knew better than anyone that I couldn't exactly walk up to the Drill Instructors and ask to use the phone to call my boyfriend. I call bullshît on this pathetic excuse, especially since I wrote him letters while I was in. Never once heard back, though...
Enuya 1 year ago (edited)
Unpopular opinion: Cheating sucks, that's for sure. BUT it would happen far less often if ending unhappy marriages/relationships as an adult would be less criticized. Nobody bats an eye when a teenager changes partners every few months or even years. Adults do mistakes when it comes to relationships too AND they should be able to end it (yes, even when there are children in the picture, it's better to have happy, divorced parents than miserable married ones) without being treated like a villain. Not every love is for life and even when it is, sometimes people change and are better without each other.
Amanda Lalonde 1 year ago
My marriage ended because I had cheated, I'm not proud of myself and our relationship had no intimacy for approximately 6-7 before the cheating, but I avoided spending any time with my ex. I had grown to hate being around him because it was always the same, video games, drinking,and bitching
Lisa H 1 year ago
With all due respect, that doesn't justify cheating. Sorry if you already know this, but you should have broken up with him first. You took the easy way out instead of the right way.
Load More Replies... Lisa H 1 year ago (edited)
I got one: when their best friend flat-out tells you they're cheating on you. I remained friends with the best friend and he was no longer the ex's best friend. Still friends, but not as close anymore. He probably resented his friend for putting him in that position. The ex's excuse? We hadn't talked in a while so he just assumed it was over. The reason we hadn't talked in a while? I was across the country in Marine Corps Recruit Training and he KNEW when I was going. What's more is he was also a Marine and knew better than anyone that I couldn't exactly walk up to the Drill Instructors and ask to use the phone to call my boyfriend. I call bullshît on this pathetic excuse, especially since I wrote him letters while I was in. Never once heard back, though...
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