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10 Y.O. Doesn’t Want To Be The Carer Of Her Special Needs Classmate During A School Trip But The Classmate’s Mom Doesn’t Care
Interview
There are a lot of worries when a woman is pregnant. Because at this time, she no longer is worried only for her own health, but the baby’s too. And even if the mom is as careful as she can be, sometimes it doesn’t depend on her whether the baby will be born healthy or not.
The baby can have various physical and mental issues and it is always a challenge for the parents. A mom on Reddit has four children and one of them has autism and ADHD. That has made his sister very good at dealing with such issues, but that led to a classmate’s mom trying to take advantage of it. The mom feels bad for denying help even though that is the only way to protect her daughter.
More info: Reddit
RELATED:
A classmate’s mom wanted to take advantage of a 10 Y.O. girl. Her mom defended her daughter, but at the same time, she felt bad for doing it
Image credits: star5112 (not the actual photo)
The Original Poster (OP) who goes by shoopersharn is a 35-year-old mom who has 3 daughters of the ages 10, 4 and 1 and she has a 6-year-old son. For the sake of the story, the OP calls her son Luke and the oldest daughter Izzy.
Luke is the one with autism and ADHD. Like everyone with such a diagnosis, they might be hard to handle sometimes. Izzy is used to it and she has actually picked up how to accommodate him and gained “saintly patience” as the mom put it.
Image credits: shoopersharn
The girl is very good with accommodating children with special needs as she learnt it from having to live with her brother
Image credits: shoopersharn
Izzy showed how mature and kind she is not only with her brother, but with a classmate that the OP called Maisy. This girl also has autism and severe anxiety, so for Izzy, this is not something new, which is why she knows how to help her calm down.
The mom is very proud that her daughter is so kind and helpful, but because Izzy is so good at it, she was asked to look after Maisy and live in the same room during a school trip because that would calm her down as she has never been away from home before. Izzy agreed, but it seems that she said it to be polite, as she came home crying and not looking forward to it whatsoever.
Image credits: shoopersharn
She opened up to her mom that she just wanted to have fun on the trip and have a break from always taking care of others, which naturally caused stress to her. Her 10-year-old shoulders shouldn’t carry this burden and the mom’s heart broke, especially knowing that because of the pandemic, Izzy hasn’t had the chance to be a kid as everything was shut down so she was forced to stay at home with Luke being cranky and a toddler asking for attention.
Raising Luke is a task on its own, but while being pregnant and the OP’s husband working, it became even more complicated. Additionally, Luke isn’t very excited about the baby and he needs as much attention as the newborn does, so in the end, Izzy doesn’t get that much time with her parents.
She has a classmate who responds very well to her so she was asked to share a room on a school trip with her
Image credits: shoopersharn
The mom understands that, so she contacted the teacher and asked for Izzy to not be put in the same room as Maisy. The teacher was very understanding and knowing the situation with Luke, agreed that Izzy deserves a break.
However, Maisy’s mom didn’t think so. She wanted shoopersharn to pressure her daughter into agreeing, but the OP respected Izzy’s choice. Maisy’s mom started insulting the OP and guilt tripping her, saying that she should understand how it feels as they both have neurodivergent children. Plus, Maisy probably won’t go on the trip because without Izzy, she won’t be able to cope with her anxiety.
Image credits: shoopersharn
Izzy expected the trip to be relaxing and didn’t want such a responsibility, so her mom asked the school to put her daughter in another room
Image credits: shoopersharn
In one of the responses to the comments, shoopersharn guessed that Maisy’s mom really wants Izzy to be there for Maisy because she herself wants to take a rest. She is a single mom and her husband left right before lockdown, so both her own and her daughter’s mental health have suffered. Also, she doesn’t want Maisy to feel abandoned again, which could happen when she finds out Izzy changed her mind.
Izzy’s dad thinks that there is no need to feel bad about this because Maisy’s situation is none of their business, let alone their child’s. But the OP can’t stop thinking about what Maisy’s mom said and is sad that she can’t do anything about it.
The classmate’s mom was really unhappy about it and tried to guilt trip the OP as they both shared the experience of raising a neurodiverse child
Image credits: shoopersharn
Bored Panda contacted shoopersharn and she told us that people’s response in the comments really helped her out to feel less anxious about the situation, “Lots of people PMed me telling me their stories of being forced to care for classmates / siblings and it put everything into perspective on how I am going to deal with things with school. She’s a kid and deserves to be.”
People in the comments pointed out that the OP herself can’t do anything, but she shouldn’t force her daughter to do something either because it is not her responsibility. As many worded it, Izzy is not an emotional support animal or a therapist or a social worker. She is a child and asking her to parent someone else’s child to make the adults feel more at ease is absurd.
Image credits: shoopersharn
The OP wants her daughter to be a child, but at the same time she felt she should have helped the other mom
Image credits: shoopersharn
The OP didn’t change her mind about putting her daughter in the same room with Maisy and when Izzy found it out she was relieved. The mom told us that “She was simply happy I understood.” The parent also added, “She really enjoyed the trip, though she is knackered now and it was the best decision.”
We would like to know what would you have done in OP’s situation, and do you think Izzy has a moral obligation to take care of Maisy because she is good at communicating with children with special needs? How do you think the mom should balance letting Izzy be a kid but not leave Luke out at the same time? Let us know your thoughts in the comments!
People in the comments thought that the classmate’s mom had no right to ask another child to take care of her daughter and the OP shouldn’t worry about being a jerk
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What do you think ?
Jo Choto 2 years ago
I remember as a child that I would be burdened with things I did not want to do because I was good at them. That included caring for other children. In reality, it caused me stress and distress. It should never be a child's responsibility to manage the problems and medical conditions of another child. The adults need to figure out a solution that doesn't burden another child.
Otter 2 years ago
The OP feels guilty about overburdening her kid by making her take on classmates as well as a sibling, and doesn't realize she's already overburdening the kid. It's not in her interest to do that, overburdened children tend to run screaming away from their families of origin as soon as it's feasible, so if the OP doesn't change things she's going to be shocked, SHOCKED, to find that in a few years from now, Izzy is only applying to out-of-state colleges.
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Airt 2 years ago
Just an idea but maybe if those parents thought that their two children (one with special needs) need them and their attention they sholud not get another two children and dump reaponsibilities on the oldest daughter? I have nothing against big families but if you can take care of them not just make as many babies as possible and then cry that it's hard.
Anthony Roberts 2 years ago
I agree. Birth control is cheap. Four kids (especially with one being very special needs) is not.
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Zophra 2 years ago
Of course the parent is in the right and her daughter should have a choice and not have to be with Maisy, but still the whole situation is just sad. Seems like the teacher needs to think more creatively with Maisy's mother to accomodate her child without leaning on a 10 year old as a constant solution.
ZentheOgre 2 years ago
I am sorry but it looks like Maisy's Mom (ain't got it going on) is using this class trip as an excuse to get freedom. I know it's draining having a child with autism and that parent date nights are few and far between though me and the wife still find time for brunch at the cafe or such while the kids are in school. If this kid has such separation anxiety did you run it by her therapist to see if it was in Maisy's best interest. Are you prepared for a freakout if an anxiety attack hits and she attacks another student/teacher while in fight of flight that tries to calm her down. How long would it take for mom to show up to pick her up. I am sorry but if Maisy want to do this trip the mother should chaperone.
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Eiram 2 years ago
I agree that Izzie has become a suroggate mother at home and school and every adult around her should be ashamed! How DARE they! Her own parents can't stop having kids and they have obviously isolated and ignored the eldest because the other kids "need" them more. Get that girl some attention ASAP before severe depression takes ahold of her for purposefully taking on stress.
Lulu Lemons 2 years ago
I may be wrong and I know my familys experience won't be everyone's, but the kid can parentify themselves. My eldest brother and older sister certainly did at age 10 as they were protective of me and my brother who are both autistic. I know this because I've asked them before if they ever resented the responsibility they had towards me and my brother and they said no, they chose to do it to help us and our parents. I've also talked to others who've shared this, and others who were forced into it. I think you'd need to actually see the family dynamic in person to be able to tell if the parent is forcing them into it or if they're willingly doing it.
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Paula Wynn 2 years ago
Izzy had EVERY right to enjoy the trip like the other children, NOT to be free labor! Maisy's mom needed to either hire a caregiver or go herself, NOT depend on a child to take care of her child.
Don't Look 2 years ago
Every time I have witnessed a disabled child (from light autism all the way to not functioning as a human being) have "normal" siblings, the siblings are ALWAYS just worn out and incredibly patient with the disabled sibling. Giving that child a break whenever possible is an absolute necessity. They need to see what else life has to offer. They did not ask to be born into that situation, they were forced into it. If they reach the point that the child expresses a need and a want to take a break, it's already too late.
WilvanderHeijden 2 years ago
Maisy's mom solved the problem herself. She's pulling her daughter out of the trip. That's her choice, her decision. She could also "sacrifice" herself and care for her daughter during the trip, but it seems that that's not an option in her mind. So she can't blame anyone else and no one has to feel guilty.
LittleLiz 2 years ago
I was under a lot of stress as a kid, being an undiagnosed autistic and a big sister. I got overwhelmed by my toddler siblings at that age and would hide in my room, but they'd bang on the walls and door. I visited my mother every weekend (parents divorced, dad got custody) but even though it was a break from the younger kids' constant screaming, I never got to relax because my mother (a narcissist) made me feel bad if I didn't want to spend every second of every weekend day with her and I felt like I had to entertain her. And in school, I was bullied constantly, so I couldn't relax there either. What saved me was my weekly outings with my (step)mom, who understood and would take me to the mall or roller skating or virtually anywhere I wanted to go and I got to be the baby and relax and not worry about screaming toddlers or immature adults
Kathryn Baylis 2 years ago (edited)
Thank goodness you had at least ONE caring adult who gave you those much needed breaks from all the stress of your family life. Stepmom probably needed them too, so figured you were the only two sane and nice people in two houses full of assholes and lunatics, so decided you were the most appropriate companion to share these breaks with.
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Mim Sörensson 2 years ago
No no no no: NTA, and what's more, the kid must never again be even hinted to about being a carer for "Maisy" ever again. I'm autistic myself and have a job where I meet more people with NPF, so I feel I can have an opinion. The daughter already has to tiptoe around and manage the relationship with her brother, something she will do to one extent or another for the rest of their lives - and now she can't get a rest from it even in school. It's a terrible thing to do to her, I don't understand why the teacher hasn't put a stop to it. Maybe it's a swedish thing, but here they are taught in no uncertain terms that such a situation must never arise, and as soon it seems to it is required to put a stop to it immediately. The mother of Maisy is just an entitled and obviously self centred a*****e. Her opinion is not relevant - not ever again, I would say. She kind of burned that bridge. Jeez - I mean, we're seriously hard to handle from time to time, some of us all the time.
Sarah 2 years ago
I have three nieces (ages 13, 11, 9). 13 has special needs, 11 and 9 do not. 11 and 9 will always have a very different perspective than kids with only typical siblings. It can sometimes be very difficult but, there are also unique rewards. They are incredibly kind and understanding with other kids they know who face similar challenges as their sister. They are NOT however made to feel in any way responsible for those other kids. It is one thing to be a good and kind friend. It is entirely another to be expected to be a support person or a caregiver. No child should feel that they are somehow responsible for another child. That's the job of adults.
Nandina 2 years ago
" unexpectedly got pregnant" " but her comments are ringing in my head" " I know how Maysie's mum feels, and how much it sucks, yet I AM NOT DOING THE ONE THING TO ALLEVIATE HER PAIN" Izzy came home crying not wanting to be with Maisy because she is so stressed at having to take care of YOUR autistic son and a classmate!?!?!? Apparently, you do not know how Izzy feels and don't care to do ANYTHING to alleviate HER PAIN. YTA.
Linda Moffitt 2 years ago (edited)
Nope Absolutely Not (What if something did happen to Maisy on the field trip? Whose fault would it be? And even though all of the adults would know that it was not Izzy's fault (Well, Maybe besides Maisy's Mom) She would most likely never be able to forgive herself and blame herself forever for it) And I seen this mentioned a cpl times in the comments and Totally Agree That Poor Izzy should also NOT have to be a Carer for her Brother (beyond sibling friendship) even if her Parents "Accidentally" got prego 2 more times after him!
Pheolei 2 years ago
I have an autistic younger sister and my parents never meant for me to fall into a caregiver role but it happens. They are your sibling and you want them to be happy and sometimes understand them better than your parents. The mom isn't an a*****e its life.
Lubna Fawzy-Qureshi 2 years ago
Did you feel burnt out? Being a confidant to a sibling is different than caring for their needs. A sibling can help out from time to time but shouldn’t feel like it’s their responsibility to provide care for their ND sibling. Izzy’s mom is feeling guilty because she knows she crossed that line. Her daughter’s well being took a back seat to family harmony. Izzy’s Mom is clearly overwhelmed with caring for her kids and relies on Izzy as an unpaid co-caregiver. That role is tightf her husband’s. Hope that wasn’t your lived in experience.
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Lori Ashley 2 years ago
Continued... You should definitely encourage and praise your daughter for any help she offers to another student or really, anyone. And check in with her regularly to be sure she is not getting overwhelmed. She is still young and may not know when she is taking on too much. She truly has a beautiful spirit. Nurture that and keep doing what you’re doing. She sounds like an amazing little girl.
Maximilian Schussler 2 years ago
I agree. I don't see why taking care of your siblings is such a terrible thing. She wants to help and school was pushing her too far not home
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Kelly Ann Jones 2 years ago
This happens to parents as well. My younger son had behavioral issues which made me very adept at stopping problems before they started. Unfortunately this carried over to my older son's class. Whenever there was a field trip for his class I ended up being "mom" for one particular student. I always felt torn because I went on those trips to be with MY son.
Hannah Edwards 2 years ago
My daughter had a disabled child in her class at school. The other children were relied on a lot to bridge the gap in support provided to her. This resulted in the child, aged 11, getting naked in front of the class to get ready for PE (teacher had left the room briefly) School neglected to mention this to the child’s mother, who only found out from my daughter. Also the mum went to collect her one day to find that no one knew where the child was. This was because other girls in the year had been given the responsibility of ensuring that the child was ready. I loved that the children were in classes with mixed abilities, it gives them invaluable insight and understanding. I don’t think that they should be used instead of funded support though.
Lisa Fleming 2 years ago
Add the youngest of three that I grew up with (so many more but not the point) I was parentified. No matter what I was cooking and cleaning at the age of four. I was making sure things were done the psuedo siblings or their parental units wanted to go someplace special. Regardless of who wanted to go chores has to be done to earn it. Yeah while those two were off with their friends I was busting my rear 65-70% so they could enjoy the planned event. I don't talk to that family. I have nothing to do with that family. I want nothing to do with that family. As an adult I've been told they aren't my family, which is the nicest of hateful comments they've flung at me. It gets worse from there. You are doing to Izzy the exact same thing. And what's worse you let the school do it to Izzy too. Izzy for that matter is a child who had to become Luke's the instant you and your partner figured out she was effective with him. Instead of doing what you should have done you dumped him on her.
Lisa Fleming 2 years ago
You should have used her method with Luke yourselves instead. Then the school and Maisy's Mom have figured out how you manipulated Izzy, and your ignored it. Now that she's having a nervous breakdown you are feeling remorseful. Don't want to lose your third parent huh? I can tell you from living that life it IS abuse, starting with but not limited to neglect. And now you feel bad because Izzy is finally momentarily human? Once she's "all better" she's your atomiton again? You can't provide assistance in another manner for Luke? The school can't hire a para for Maisy? The mom can't hire an aide for Maisy and get her a service dog?? ESA except Izzy!!
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Seb Benson 2 years ago
"... a chance to be a little girl instead of an adult." Well, that says it all. 100% right there. NTA
Lovin' Life 2 years ago (edited)
Izzy deserves so much more than just a day to be a kids without adult responsibility. She needs attention, love, compassion, and just allowed to be a kid and do things that 10 year old kids do. My heart breaks for this child. She has missed out on so many things and deserves so much more. Not taking care of Maisy may be the only good decision the OP has made regarding her child. It sad, angering, and disgusting all at the same time.
Cyndi Bailey 2 years ago
Oh hell people calm down! Unless you have a child like Maisie or Luke you have no idea how hard it is on the whole family! Older as well as younger "average" siblings are effected by the "not average" child and as in ANY OTHER FAMILY ACROSS THE CONTRY all family members work to keep the family going in the same direction day in and day out whether they realize it or not! My youngest is autistic and if it were not for my husband and her older siblings I would have never made it out of bed every day. This situation is no different than a sibling learning ASL for a hearing limited sibling or holding the hand of a visually limited sibling. The OP did not say that she straps the whole responsibility of raising an autistic child on her older daughter. Her daughter "helps" just like and other older child in any other family. OP, I know exactly what you are talking about and where you are coming from. Don't let these idiots tell you that you are a bad parent. You did right & keep it up!
Erica B 2 years ago
I COMPLETELY agree with you. So easy for people who have never experienced raising/teaching a special needs kid to pretend like they know all the perfect solutions. “Just don’t have kids!” seems to be the biggest response. I’d like to see half of these people spend 1 week with a severely special needs kid and not need any help. Then they’d blame it on the teacher, as I’ve also seen in this post.
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Wandering Hammer 2 years ago (edited)
My daughter went through this for years. My kid is not your TA! It's deplorable how teachers and parents guilt tripped her for wanting a break from special needs kids. My daughter has needs, and they're special too!
Maximilian Schussler 2 years ago
I am an older brother for not one but two mentally "disabled" siblings. This is a lot of work but when you get older I have no need to run away from home. I work to help them out as much as I can. I don't see why "Izzy" will be running away from home. If she cares that much to help her brother out it will carry on throughout life. If she didn't care about him she would have crashed before this. The pressure was from school not from home
CL Rowan 2 years ago (edited)
What kind of support network do you have? Did you have time to be a kid, because Izzy sure didn't. She was stuck and luckily she felt she could voice her displeasure at home so she got a much~needed timeout for herself. The teacher should be reprimanded for letting Izzy take on the burden of caring for a student's needs (how are Izzy's grades, I wonder?). No child should come home crying because of this.
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Jessica Swierczynski 2 years ago (edited)
As a sister to an older brother with low functioning autism (currently he’s 21 and I’m 19), even though I’m younger than him, I never got to have a childhood because I always had to watch my brother and take care of him with my parents. I love my brother and I know she does too, but parents with kids with autism need to stop pushing their kids without autism into taking care of their siblings with autism. I didn’t have a childhood. My parents refuse to acknowledge that and act like my life is perfect. I was never cared for by my parents because it was always my brother. So I get her 100% and wish the parents would talk to Izzy more to understand what she’s going through, because the anxiety and depression that I have from feeling uncared for and unloved, I would never wish on anyone.
Susan Green 2 years ago
I empathize with you Jessica, you never should have that happen to you.
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heartbreakerninja 2 years ago
Why is the school leaning on a 10 year old?!?! I don't care if she has a sibling with similar issues. A classmate isn't her responsibility. They should have a classroom aid to assist with the child with special needs. Sounds like the school being lazy and not having resources available for their students.
Onion Morales 2 years ago
NTA but she needs to work on her parenting. 10 year old children don't have much longer to enjoy their childhood, she shouldn't have to cope with stress, she needs to just be a child. Maisy's Mom shouldn't be telling your kid what to do. If Izzy doesn't want to share a room with Maisy she shouldn't have to... Maisy's Mom could chaperone her daughter on the trip if she really wanted it to go well.
Onion Morales 2 years ago
As a person, you're not responsible for anyone's happiness but your own and your children.
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Silja Hare 2 years ago
There's a lot of talk about how Izzy's mom is "parentifying" her because she helps with her brother. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that how "family" works? When did this idea spring up the children are supposed to be raised with individual care and attention even when there's more than one of them? "Parentifying" a child isn't making them help out at home. It's making them responsible for a sibling. I don't see where she is forced to be the sole support worker for her brother - she "helps". This is good because she is learning valuable life skills. The mother is a good one because she is protecting her daughter from being taken advantage of by the single mom, who "wants a break". In other words, she clearly fruits give her daughter time just to be a child.
Ashi Mari 2 years ago
Siblings should care for one another, yes, but expecting a 10 year old to be some sort of social assistant and just deal with her brother's issues because she's just "so good at it" is putting an unfair pressure on a single kid. A kid helping is always a good thing but when the child has this "help" as a fixed responsibility, in QUARANTINE, it will take a toll no matter what, she didn't really choose to have her brother, her parents did, you can't negotiate raising responsibilities with a kid
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Megzymonsta 2 years ago
Why is everyone judging the mum? Clearly she loves her children and her daughter obviously feels loved and safe enough to express her emotions. Having a child with additional needs is never anyone's plan but unfortunately it does affect the whole family. Short of putting one of her children into care (obviously this wouldn't be an option) there is no other way to prevent Izzie from feeling "overburdened" The mother is absolutely NTA in this situation and is clearly doing a brilliant job in recognising her daughter's needs then doing her best to meet them. I would also look into some charities who cater to children and young people who have disabled/SEN siblings/family, they can offer time away from the family and opportunities for kids to just be kids. Perhaps Maisy's mother should also look into some sort of respite care for her daughter so she's not relying on other children to support her daughter but is still enabling Maisy to experience fun trips and socialise with other kids
Mam cymraeg 2 years ago
I can see both sides I have an autistic daughter ( youngest of 3 15,12 and 9) and being a "young carer" was not really a choice as it just happened mostly my girls are ok with it as they mostly help by playing just being in a room while I make food ect which is generally normal for older siblings but while they are good with other special needs kids I wouldn't expect to be put in this situation in school and especially by another mum it's not our choice with their sister but it is with a classmate
Cecily Holland 2 years ago
It shouldn’t just happen. YOU are the parent. You had these children. Do you know what carer burnout is? It is absolutely horrendous. This is how it starts
Load More Replies... Florida, but without the beach 2 years ago
Nowhere in this article does the mother say Izzy takes on a parental role at home. She says she witnessed the behavior of her brother. The mother clearly stated one parent is with the baby and the other with the autistic son. She probably does help out at home, but I have no reason to believe, based on what I read, that it is anymore than any other child is expected to. These people attaching the moon for wanting to stand up for her daughter are likely misinterpreting what the mother said based on their own experiences. It’s really sad to see those comments when the mother is trying to back up her daughter.
StepOnMe1986 2 years ago
I've always thought it would be a good idea to have volunteers for stuff like this. Maybe a program where high school kids get to volunteer to do stuff like this. Also a bus monitor on busses. There are plenty of people who would like to take part in helping out their community in some way. Just a thought I had to help in situations like this.
Lubna Fawzy-Qureshi 2 years ago
That’s a nice thought. Most students on the spectrum respond well to those they have secured a trusted relationship. So a stranger, who volunteers for one event, might not work out. Maisy’s mom and Izzy’s Mom need hire a professional caregiver both for school and at home. I know it’s not always financially doable but it necessary for the well being of their children. Maybe we need to petition government to make this need a covered insurance expense or tax right off.
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Pamela Blackwell-Nwonye 2 years ago
If it is involving a school activity, the school MUST provide an aide. This should NOT be the responsibility of another child. The mother of said special needs child needs to check out www.wrightslaw.com
Leesa Anderson 2 years ago
I am in the USA and a schools are underfunded. The only way a schools get help for special needs students is if the student has an IEP individual education plan. Overnight field trips are offered but not required activities, so a special needs student and their support person isn't always offered. My oldest daughter has autism, mobility issues and mental health issues which often go hand in hand. She and I wanted her to go on the 8th grade trip to Washington D.C. but the school pretty much shut that down. I even offered to rent a mobility scooter, her aide was willing to go. Unfortunately didn't have the money to fly and get her if an incident aroused where she needed to come hom. I had her 2 younger siblings as well. Before anyone judges my children are adopted and are blood siblings.
Load More Replies... Susie Elle 2 years ago
Izzy is ten, and shouldn't be made responsible for another child's happiness, no matter how much that other child struggles. Izzy is not a professional carer, she's a child. Maisy's mom ITA for guilt-tripping other people, including a ten-year-old, to accommodate her and her child. I understand the struggles, but making it someone else's problem is not the solution, and this situation should have been addressed way before Izzy turned into Maisy's pillar of support.
Ashley Jernigan 2 years ago
You're definitely TAH! Your 10 year old broke down from stress and you're seriously considering Maisy's mom's side of it??? WTF. I feel so bad for your daughter.
Dusty Rose 2 years ago
I can relate to this experience. There are some very manipulative teachers out there. My foster child was an adult before her time due to having to parent her natural parent and herself since mom was an addict. I started foster parenting her when she was 7 and she was the new kid in school. Her teacher immediately started pairing her with autistic and troubled kids. She wanted to help but she was not allowed to form friendships which were allowed her to just be a kid herself. This same teacher manipulated who would get into what groups, who would be with popular kids, etc. This kind of thing goes on more than you think.
Diana Smith 2 years ago
I think everyone is too hard on the OP mom. She is doing the best she can and certainly she is not expecting her daughter to parent her sibling all the time. It just doesn’t sound like that to me. There is nothing wrong with a sibling playing and watching her younger sibling when mom is busy with the baby. It’s actually a great learning tool in responsibility. Hasn’t anyone ever heard of a mommy’s helper? You people are way too hard on the mom. You make it sound like mom is expecting her 10 year old to care for the little brother full time! That’s ridiculous. This kind of team effort and supporting each other is just what we lack in this world because of attitudes like this. Way to go OP mom. And, OP mom, it wouldn’t hurt to try to remember to have a little mom and me date now and then so she remembers how special she is to you. It can be hard to remember when life gets crazy. God Bless!
Zero 2 years ago (edited)
I understand this myself. I was forced to basically raise my siblings because my mom was a single parent for most of my life and always had to work. One of my siblings is Autistic. The men she did have around abused me. I never got the chance to be a child and it shows. I'm not a properly developed adult because of it, I'm mature in some ways, childish in others, and completely mentally wrecked from all the abuse. It isn't someone else's job to take care of your child for you; It isn't your kid's job, it's isn't your kid's friend's job, it's yours. And to berate someone over them not forcing their child to watch yours is absolutely ridiculous. The entitlement that people feel they have over other people's time these days is asinine.
Marie carberry 2 years ago
My sister and I have a 10 yr age difference, I'm older. My parents separated when she was 1. From the first day my father moved out my mother expected me to change diapers, get up for 3am feedings, do the laundry etc. I NEVER could forgive her. Luckily I didn't carry that resentment over to my sister. As we got older we became best friends
Paula Allison 2 years ago
You need to take a close look at your own role in this. Your daughter should not "need a break" from taking care of a special needs child. Or children.. at all. She didn't give birth to any children now did she? If you need help, get an adult to help you. And be sure to make your daughter a priority too. She should not need to be saintly. She should be a kid.
Angi Hillin 2 years ago
All kids need breaks from siblings. It's completely normal for siblings to get tired of each other occasionally. You can't expect kids to share a house and not need a break from each other. Especially when some of those kids are still learning boundaries. The toddler that wants to play with older sister doesn't understand and will bug her. If you know about it you stop it, but it's easy to miss and if the older child doesn't tell you about it, you don't do anything about it.
Load More Replies... C. T. 2 years ago
OP (who is clearly not in the U.S. if she says "knackered") probably has a list of local resources for neurodivergent kids like Luke. She should have provided Maisy's mother with the names of some places to contact for appropriate support. The school should also have done this. Maisy's mother may have objected that it would cost £500 (at a guess) but then it focuses the issue: that she is asking someone (Izzy) to do that job for free.
Itz Waffles 2 years ago
I am a female. Gifted class, I take care of "Logan". I usually report to the teacher about his behavior. I have a lot of weight to carry. I get more advanced worksheets, I miss trips to the school library. (tommorow, usually Monday but because of presidents day it's tommorow.) I am one of the three gifted children (that I know of) in my grade. I know how this affects our daily lives. It's hard.
MyOpinionIsServed 2 years ago
See, she's NTA in the big point here, but she is TA when it comes to the fact that she's basically just letting her daughter stress herself out to the point where she could've had a mental breakdown. She's letting her 10yo basically be an emotional support animal, with no one to support her.
Rebecca Joan 2 years ago
Def NOT the a*****e. Sorry your kid has autism and can’t function, then maybe her mom could go on the trip, or she can keep her kid home. Not guilt another child into babysitting her daughter!
Gabby M 2 years ago (edited)
I don't know if there is a clear answer. I am glad people are pointing out the mom is problematic for pushing a lot of responsibility on her daughter. Those kind of kids burn out sooner or later. My mother was parentified as a child which really f*cked her up. Growing up, she was extremely toxic and emotionally abusive. She held a lot of resentment about the fact that she was expected to take care of her siblings from a young age. So when it came to raising me and my siblings, she just did not have the emotional health to care for us.
Joan Orberson 2 years ago
Shame on the mom and shame on the teacher. That is a 10 year old child. That girl is not there to serve at your beck and call. Mom of special needs child, this is YOUR responsibility. I bet if your child falls, etc on this trip, you'll be screaming from the rooftops. Kindly allow this girl to be a 10 year old without taking on such a huge responsibility. Lazy parent. How dare you volunteer someone else's child because you want a break. If you want a sitter to escort your child, PAY HER for her time. So lazy and cheap. Teacher. What is wrong with you??? Trying to get your school district sued?? You should be fired. Both of you need to wake the he** up and let the 10 year old be a 10 year old.
Lara Verne 2 years ago
Maisy is not your daughter's responsibility. Autistic sibling is also not her responsibility. She's a kid, not therapist and caregiver.
MyOpinionHasBeenServed 2 years ago
ETA here. I agree with the people saying Izzy's mom is TA and, the others saying the school is the TA. Izzy's mom is raising her daughter with more responsibility than she needs, BUT it's good that she's realizing it now. The school should have those accommodations for Maisy set up with a support worker or Aide. I know it goes by school funding or paid privately. That is not Izzy or her mom's problem. Unfortunately, not all kids end up being able to join in field trips. I've had to sit out on many all throughout school for various reasons. It wasn't all that bad.
Ashi Mari 2 years ago
The shitty part is that Izzy cannot go to the field trip despite wanting to because adults will put their responsabilities on her if she does, imagine having to miss a fun time with your classmates because otherwise you'll have to work as a caregiver for another kid (while no one else does)
Load More Replies... Cecily Holland 2 years ago
The mother should have crossed her legs instead of having yet another child. This poor little 10 year old has Carer Burnout. Yes that’s a recognised condition and it’s disgusting. The mother has caused this conditioning her child who ended up as a carer to a school mate as well as her brother. If an Autistic child is at that low level of functioning they should be going to camp with and aide which usually they do in this country and should also have an aid in class. My Godson is high functioning but to get there it took therapy, intervention and conditioning to becoming more tolerant of change and separation. Obviously Maisie needs the same support. Can’t stand parents that make little parents and carers out of their kids
Susan Locks 2 years ago
Don't forget the father. She didn't keep getting pregnant alone.
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Rhonda Kisting 2 years ago
The 10 year old needs to be 10 and a kid. The OP should not have encouraged her daughter to be a caregiver. The other girl needs aa Adult caregiver on the trip with her. The girls should be friends and classmates, not caregiver to one who needs care.
Rebecca Farquharson 2 years ago
As an education professional who works with children in special education, specifically those with learning disabilities, I understand this predicament well. School is partially about teaching children how to be decent, generous human beings and so when we ask kids to assist others it's for good reasons. So many children are inclined towards apathy today. However, we all need a break from the stressors of life, and dealing with children who have various neuro diagnoses can be tremendously difficult. It's extremely common for people in my profession to cry themselves sane in school bathrooms. The mum was right to call the school and extract her child from this duty, it's a tremendous ask for a child to work on their holiday. And that's what it was. The conundrum comes when there is no one to room with or partner with a child. Obviously staff cannot room with students. Better to keep child home and plan well so that they have news to share as well.
Austin Axley 2 years ago
Yo, y'all need to be more literate. Nowhere does the mom say her daughter is EXPECTED to act like a caregiver at home, just that she witnesses the difficulty and has adapted to it to be more empathetic with neurodiverse people. Her interactions between her brother and her would be exhausting regardless of whether or not she was the responsible party and it's perfectly acceptable to not want to deal with it for a day when she's supposed to be having fun. Y'all should be ashamed of yourselves for dumping on this mother for something it's not even explicitly evident that she DID.
Angi Hillin 2 years ago
A lot seem to assume that the mom is putting it on the child. Don't assume. Some children are just like that and it makes them happy. The problem comes when you let it go on too long. If the child wants to take care of people there's nothing wrong with that. There's also nothing wrong with using this opportunity to teach balance in ones life. It's ok to care, but it's ok to care for yourself, too.
Colleen Jones 2 years ago
Sorry to say mom had these children and she should be the one responsible for taking care of them, the fact your daughter helps with her brother is fine. When a parent tries to make their child responsible for someone else child that's an issue. Children need to be just that . They need to run and play and enjoy life not made to grow up before there time. Most kids that are forced to grow up fast i personally find make terrible decisions in life because they are looking for something they didn't have growing up. Siblings will always be there for one another. That other mom should be ashamed of herself trying to guilt trip that little girl into caring for her child. If it's that bad at home then hire someone to help care for your child. Let that girl enjoy her trip.
Sleepydoggos 2 years ago
Wow, people! Read before you comment! Last baby was a surprise. If your child (or you, for that matter) live in a house with a disabled/ difficult person, ofcourse they/ you learn how to deal with that. It doesn't mean your child/ you are being "abused" or "denied childhood". It just means your child/ you has/ have learnt to regulate their/ your own emotions and know how to cope with those problems. Wanting someone having a break from their daily grind is normal. We all have a vacation sometimes right? And how would OP reorganize her life so that her daughter never comes in contact with her son? Are we really saying children shouldn't have siblings?
T. D. P. B. 2 years ago
It is a blessing to have a child who is patient and tolerant of these needs, but that blessing of a child also deserves respite to be the child she is. The special needs of others is NOT HER RESPONSIBILITY @ this point in her life.
Jackie Mullica 2 years ago
This is terrible that the other Mom is trying to make this family feel guilty!! That 10 YO deserves to be just that .. a ten year old!! This poor baby needs some fun in her life like every other child. The other mother should be ashamed of herself expecting other people's children to take care of hers!!
Darlene Fierro 2 years ago
I don't think there is anything wrong with a child helping out a special needs sibling. But there is a diff between helping out & shouldering the burden with a special needs sibling. Same goes if there is a large family. We all have had to pitch in a time or two when we didn't want to like babysitting or needing to help clean or do extra chores but not being responsible for doing all the cleaning or cooking. I also don't see nothing wrong with a child helping out in school. It teaches them compassion. But making a child who is not at all related responsible for the happiness & learning of a special needs is waaay to much. I'm glad the mother listened to her daughter & let her just be a child for the school trip. There are respite services that can give the mom a break if she needs one. She doesn't need to seek it out from a 10yr old little girl.
Andrei Caldararu 2 years ago
Why the hell does this 10 year old have to take care of two other kids - especially if they are neutodivergent?
Murphy Caroline 2 years ago
It's not the job of a 10 year old to be a parent to their sibling or other kids. You better hope she won't resent you one day. I have a feeling you're going to expect even more responsibility after you pop out yet another kid.
Tara Raay 2 years ago (edited)
A 10 year old is STRESSED! That is not okay what so ever! Stress can kill people. Poor baby.
Cheri Aline Sydney 2 years ago
Or, worse yet, Tara, make them want to kill their self !
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Cindy Caruso 2 years ago
Your daughter has no business being used as a caregiver for a fellow student. That's the school and parent of the other kids, response abilities. She deserves her own education and attention. As for you get some extra help with your kids. Your children each deserve your attention. The oldest always seems to end up with this role. You think you and your husband are tired, think how your little kid feels. She doesn't ever get away from it. Even at school. Remember the eldest is just your first born kid not your partner in caring for the others. Sure kids always want to help but, it needs to remain their choice to help. Parents tend to become reliant on their older kids to help and that kid looses a part of themselves. They land a role of responsibility and tend to lose a part that remembers to care for themselves. You need to make her a priority again even if it's just a part of each day and a special day of the week. Each kid needs some time that's just for them.
Insanity Wolf 2 years ago
What's with this new trend of treating literal children as if they are adults?
Loki’s Lil Butter Knife 2 years ago (edited)
Izzy sounds like such a mature, kind-hearted, and empathetic child. Just because she may be wise beyond her years, does not mean that she has to be strapped with the burden of being the constant caretaker at such a young age. She is a 10 year girl who needs to grow, have fun, experience new things and not be constantly tied down with the burden of feeling that she needs to care for others. My nanny was forced to become the caretaker for her family at such a young age and it truly caused her so much anxiety and stress later in life as she always felt that she failed people if she didn't make them happy. I understand that Maisy's mother made need some relaxation, but it is beyond cruel to get angry at a literal child who just wants to have fun. Maisy's mother could work with the school district or perhaps a learning resource specialist to come up with a plan for how to make Maisy feel welcomed and safe in school.
Sarah Turney 2 years ago
Wow I feel awful for both of these little girls. The daughter of the author simply wants a break not that she should even feel like she should in the first place. Having so much pressure on her shoulders must be hard even if she does enjoy helping other which is admirable. The second child also is suffering. By not supporting her to gain coping skills when things can't be the way she needs is disabling her. The author must be so proud of her daughter but truly understands how challenging it can be supporting individuals with autism.
anja F 2 years ago
Have none of the adults in this situation heard of respite??? No one here is fully the AH in this situation. Its a tough situation for both parents and the teachers involved. They need to be more responsible and reach out for help. It is available, possibly even at no cost to the families. Both mothers need to stop relying on children to care for their special needs children and find the correct ADULT support! Ive been working in this field for years, and i promise there are lots of people out there that can offer support in both situations. The only way Maisy should be going on this trip, is with the support of a trained adult. And the OP needs to get some in home support so that she isnt always relying on Izzy. Please got to your local regional center ASAP. And give Izzy serious respect. She needs to be celebrated. Ive seen many siblings who avoid or are mean to their special needs siblings.
Amanita Virosa 2 years ago (edited)
Do 10 year-olds go on over night trips in school, is that 5th grade?
kiki kat 2 years ago
This child did not birth that other child nor does she share the same blood, therefore she has zero obligations to care for that child. She is a child all on her own and deserves to actually enjoy her childhood. That other mom should never have kids if she can't manage to not enslave others to take on her responsibilities.
Lori Ashley 2 years ago
I have a son with autism and a younger neuro-typical daughter. They are both adults now but the school years, especially elementary and middle school, were difficult. Sending my son to school everyday was like sending him into surgery with no anesthesia, emotionally. I fought for every accommodation, modification, technology support and help I could get. He even had a one-on-one aide for most of the time. Any parent with a special needs child knows how hard it can be to get to get any of these things.
Melissa anderson 5 months ago
NTA. Maisy’s mother expects a 10 year old child to do her job for her and take care of her child. Parenting fail 101.
Janice Scott 5 months ago
Some of the comments here are downright nasty. The OP is not forcing her daughter to parent her brother. It is part of being in a family with someone who has special needs. The OP stated that in the past they have made arrangements so the daughter could have her own time away from her brother and the stress he sometimes causes. It just happens that at this point of their lives they have a baby which, from the sounds of it, was not really planned. The family is living through a stressful time. I definitely think the daughter should not room with Maisy. She needs to be a kid. She also needs to be paired with Maisy less often at school.
Sarah Léon 5 months ago
I'm autistic and I have anxiety issues and when I was 10 I didn't understand the social conventions with my friends at school. I never went to camp or else because we lived in the forest and I spent my time outside with my dog and the neighbor's kids. But when I was 10 there was a school trip I didn't want to go, and my mum didn't give me the choice. I had to go and I was even separated from my friends in the bedrooms... It was so scary ! But you know what ? I spent the best time of my life with my friends and the people of the camp and the teachers and we had so much fun I even forget to call my mom once or twice ! I cried when I get home bc of the stress relief I kept inside, but it's still a great memory. Yes it was stressful at first, but life *is* stressful, and if you don't learn to manage some little stress when you are young, how will you do when you are an adult with adult responsabilities ? School is also here to help you learn how life works.
Valerie Witter 2 years ago
This is a sad situation, but Izzy is not Maisie’s caregiver. It is not her job to be with Maisie so she doesn’t have separation anxiety or whatever else happens. OP, Izzy should play with her brother, not make him HER CHILD. Maisie’s mom - you should go on the trip with Maisie. Sounds like you were trying to take a vacation while Maisie was gone. SHE IS YOUR CHILD, NOT IZZY’S.
Marty Sunderland 2 years ago
Illegal in the US. School must provide a one-on-one for special needs children, and never expect a child to take that role
Priya 2 years ago
Lady just caz ur son needs special care, doesn't mean u take away childhood from ur other child. She is just a kid since ur son n other kids r born from thread it seems u both ignored her. In thread it's written youngest son is born so one parent is with youngest and other with luke. Who take care of the other two kids then.... If u bring kids in world give them atleast better place at home... Dnt make them helpers n it's technically a child labour I, her teacher n tht girls mother is asking from her...
Hailey Peterson 2 years ago
What I'm wondering is why Maisy doesn't have her own helper, this is a lot of responsibility for a 10 yo, there were always helpers at my school, and no one is in the right here, she should not have been parentified this young, and the adults being so lazy disgusts me, being somewhat parentified at a young age as well, this is terrible
Rachel Fufb 2 years ago
I dated a man with two children one being special needs. The other one does help and feels a responsibility for her disabled brother. That is going to happen no matter HOW the parent handles it. I don't think people should be blaming the OP for that. I never thought either parents in my situation but responsibility on the sister to take care of her brother but it's an unfortunate result. Sounds like the OP is getting a good wake up call and hopefully does examine her own parenting choices for her daughter to protect her even further. But it sounds like she stood up for her child and needs to work on not being a people pleaser. I also think it's easy to judge another person when you haven't been in their shoes. No one wakes up knowing how to parent let alone knows how to parent kids with special needs. She empathizes with the other mother and I think that's beautiful. Sounds like the mother could really use someone to lean on. Give compassion instead of judgement.
Jimmy Lewis 2 years ago
This is crazy, and totally unacceptable. Your daughter isn't responsible for this classmate.
Terri Herstad 2 years ago
I don't understand why the special needs child in school didn't have staff support on the trip. Is there not already a paraeducator in the room on a regular basis? If this 10 year old is expected to care for a classmate in the regular class room, that's an issue the teacher needs to address.
Harry Bageant 2 years ago
Izzy is a blessing to her Brother and her friend. But again she is only 10 years old. An over night trip is a great adventure for a 10yold but could be a nightmare with such added responsibility. Imagine if the other child looses it and can't be consoled who you gonna call I know who all the inconveniencd adults are gonna blame. Let the 10yold enjoy her experience. As for helping at home. It's great that she does. She has learned compassion and empathy that may one day guide her life choices making her a great person.
Diana Smith 2 years ago
I truly feel for Maisy’s mom and for Marist. But Maisy just isn’t the responsibility for another child. Izzy has the right to be a 10 year old and play with her other peers as well. That is not possible unless she has a peer who understands as she does. My youngest was just like Izzy. She was phenomenal with her classmates who have special needs. She enjoyed partnering up with them for activities and would often play with them at recess. However, the special needs children had paraprofessionals who oversee their care and always be present. And this also gave my daughter some freedom to play with other friends when she wanted. Congrats OP mom for having raised a child with such a warm heart. When you told the teacher of your concerns, you were teaching Izzy that it’s okay to say no. It was a great teaching moment. I’m sure Izzy will continue to be wonderful with Maisy. Everything in moderation.
Cori Dock 2 years ago
I am so sad for everybody in this situation, but Izzy's mom isn't an AH. She's in an impossible situation. She realized there is a problem, listened to and advocated for her daughter, pushing her own feeling and needs aside to do so. She is doing as good a job as anybody because there isn't a mom on earth who hasn't messed up. All she can do now is move forward and do better, and it looks like she is doing just that. Kudos to you, Izzie's Mom. Keep growing and be better than yesterday. <3
Corinna Hinz 2 years ago
I must admit I can best identify with Izzy- not with the adult persons- as I was such a kid, too, who took care of... well, not of classmates who were heavily deranged but of those who tended to be outsiders. I would have been- even without the teacher 's wish for me to be in one room with the difficult child I was taking care of- in a very difficult situation, because I considered it to be my duty to be there for those in need. You couldn 't have done the right thing for me! I would have felt bad anyway- either because I would have felt being in one room with that classmate would be too much, or because I would have reproached myself for wanting some "holidays" from my duty.
Gwen Johnson 2 years ago
I think that as a member of the family children need to help out...especially with one child with problems and another on the way. I agree that babysitting and helping teaches them responsibility. However, they are children and should not be expected to take on the parenting responsibility. The other mom should have understood that this child's life should not involve caregiver for her child as well. Even the teacher should have seen this before asking a 10 year old to take on responsibility for another child. Subject should never have come up.
epiccollision 2 years ago
Stop “getting pregnant unexpectedly” it’s really immature and unless you are independently wealthy, stop being so IRRESPONSIBLE with human lives…
zovjraar me 2 years ago
raised my sister, never wanted kids after that. i don't blame my mum- divorced, no skills, 3 kids to raise and dad not paying child support. also no family and all friends left when she came out as gay. but it certainly affected me and i do wonder what i would be like if i hadn't had to be 2nd mom.
Doña Olds 2 years ago
My daughter also somehow became the "caretaker" of an extremely disabled little girl. I put a stop to it immediately! She was only 8 years old! This was NOT my child's job. She already had a sister with Myasthenia Gravis. Her sister was fiercely independent but when it came to washing her hair...changing Barbie's clothes....my oldest was right there for her little sister. I am a teacher & dealt with special needs....there were times I had to draw the line...To clean a tracheotomy tube, change a diaper. I have 3 degrees. If I had the stomach for that kind of thing I would have gotten a masters in nursing....not become a teacher. I'm sorry but that IS not my job. Trust me, I had my own hands full with my daughters school district when it came to physical therapy & IEPs. It wasn't until my daughter became "A Make A Wish" child did the staff realize her illness wasn't some minor issue.
Huddo's sister 2 years ago
This is why there needs to be more funding to appoint integration workers, so the kids don't have to fill the gaps!
Anna Ambrosia Halfhill 2 years ago
The mom is not the a*****e for having her help with her brother if Izzy doesn't want to help and he mom makes her help then she is an a*****e. Some kids naturally fall into the caregiver role when I was a child I was in the GT program and we helped out with special needs children as part of learning about child education I loved doing it. I was also very ill while I was in elementary school and could not go to gym class and recess we had already been doing the kindergarten and first grade buddy program teaching younger children how to read so I would go help during my gym time and recess time I'm 36 years old and still have contact with some of the kids I helped out. Caregiving saved me it showed me that I had worth that I still had a lot I could give I couldn't physically do a lot because of medical limitations. I don't know what would have happened to me without the time I spent helping those kids read write do math helping them with craft projects.
Nicole 2 years ago
Ummm...why is Maisy's mom trying to burden a 10 year old with her responsibilities? To me as the outsider, seems like she is not handling her life and it's stressors very well. She may need to seek additional help with her daughter and some for herself. Good on you for advocating for your daughter and respecting her boundaries. Yes, Izzy may have learned how to handle living with her brother and her classmate but that doesn't make it her responsibility to have to be the keeper. You keep going and protecting your children and let that lady sort herself out. Her actions are a reflection of what's happening with her and not you or your daughter.
Henry Shane 2 years ago
The daughter already does enough at home, and at school. So much so she gets praise for it. She is 10, not even legal where I live to baby sit. Her job is to be 10 and not even overly help with her brother as she is 10 and deserves to be 10. But she does all that because she is a good person, she pushed herself and does more then most adults would. She deserves to decide when and where she gives that help, and if she been a already at 10 them damn well give her one..she is 10 and most adults could not handle stress, look at all the self care crap peddled...yet they want a 10 year old to carry that weight.. Pull her from school, find get new one where she can have a break, one without the burdens of home...as she has none as of now...she has her brother at home and this girl at school her life is this and only this and that's horrible. Her brother is one thing, she should not have to do it for others simply because she has experience...she is 10.
Brian Kritcher 2 years ago
NTA! She is your daughter and that makes her your responsibility. The exact same math applies to the special needs child. It is the responsibility of her mother to determine if her daughter can handle a trip like that under her current anxiety. And then it would be the school's job to provide reasonable accommodations where possible. NOT any other person, especially another child is responsible. Also I think a lot of these comments fail to understand that OP is not exploiting her daughter! A family is a functioning machine and every person is needed for good of the rest. Helping her family is good and expected. The extent of that is up to the members of the family to decide.
ispeak catanese 2 years ago
This may seem tangential but many doctor's offices, schools and hospitals rely on young children to interpret for their non-English speaking family members. It's a big burden to place on children, in the same way this is.
Rebecca Joan 2 years ago
I’m also sorry to the people who are going to be offended by saying this girl Maisy has autism and can’t function, but that is honestly exactly what it is and we have to call things what they are. If she could function, then Izzy wouldn’t have to be asked to chaperone. AITA? Absolutely. But sometimes the truth hurts.
River Daski 2 years ago
I was Izzy in HS. I have (then undiagnosed) ADHD, so i got along well with other neurodivergent students, especially the Downs kids who neurotypical people really dont respond well to. My teacher gave me lots of praise for helping out, but *especially* as another neurodivergent person, it was just so hard sometimes to help them and myself.
Ashley Hoekstra 2 years ago
Okay so two things; your kid comes first and you don't need to explain yourself.
buttonpusher 2 years ago
The school should be providing a special needs assistant for this. I've a kid with autism and if that was me I'd be f****n livid. It's not fair on the kid but also I'd expect a qualified carer to be put in place.
Debbi Carney Clark 2 years ago
Part 2: To Maisy's Mom: Maisy is YOURS. I'm very sorry you have wound up as a single parent but you have to suck it up & figure out ways to take care of Maisy your own self. Izzy is a great friend to her but Izzy is NOT her parent or caretaker, just a really good friend who has great coping skills + a gift for dealing with these particular challenges. Figure it out. Get into a support group. Start a support group. Find a FB page. Start a FB page. Do something outside of guilting Izzy & OP. Thank you. Have a great day!
Debbi Carney Clark 2 years ago
Read the story, then the comments. Sure are a lot of judgmentalists here. Doesn't sound like Maisie has been "forced" to be the co-parent. Looks instead like she really loves her brother & her new friend, Maisie, & has a real gift for helping those who struggle with these type of challenges. She needs a break? Yes, she does & she should get one. + She is intelligent enough to know when she's had enough, unlike some of us adults! The birth control remarks? Pretty harsh, considering OP Mom already stated the younger child was "unexpected," + NEWSFLASH: BC doesn't always work! I have 2 great-nieces that are living proof of that + a slew of friends with unexpected arrivals so please shut up since you don't know.
Ashi Mari 2 years ago
The fact that she reached her breaking point and just now her mother notices how wrong is to burden her with this much is the issue, yes, the girl is really kind, but some adults really take children's kindness for granted. I doubt any of the other children has to care for their brother at home, because she does it better, even though a 10 year old shouldn't have a child assigned to her, and the whole issue with being pushed to care for her neurodivergent classmate (something she did out of kindness, yes, but the teacher and the other kid's mom have started to abuse her kindness and made her favors an obligation). Having to be a caregiver both at home and school means she doesn't really have a place to act like an average kid her age and relax. The birth control comments are indeed disgusting though, even in the off case they just never thought of birth control, the child is already here, do they want the parents to time travel and abort or what?!
Load More Replies... Keisha 2 years ago
It sounds like Maisie's mom should chaperone on the trip and take care of her own daughter. I don't have special needs children but I have always been very involved in volunteering at my children's schools. I never missed a field trip nor any activity that they were into. When I went on trips with my children I always told their teachers that I am there strictly for my children but I didn't mind helping out. There were times when the entire class wanted to be in my "group" and I had to say no. When they were younger I felt guilty for doing so. But just like I was always there for activities I would see the exact same parents also there. The one's that never showed up if their children got into trouble the parents would loudly claim that their children hadn't done anything wrong. My thoughts were always you don't have a clue about your children because you aren't around. People have jobs and lives but they need to understand that it's their responsibility to parent their children.
Lori Ashley 2 years ago
Continued... She also realizes she didn’t have a “normal” childhood like some of her other friends. But then, again, what is a “normal” childhood. Everyone has something going on. We did our best to teach her boundaries and to keep her from feeling like it was her job to take care of her brother because it wasn’t. Recently she graduated and moved out on her own. She thought about having her brother live with her for a while so he could learn to be more independent. But, she decided against it because she knew how much help he still needs on a daily basis. At this time in her life, she wants to focus on herself, what she wants to do, college, working, dating etc.
Lori Ashley 2 years ago
Continued - I read some people’s comments and they said YTA because you let your daughter become a caretaker and that you parentified her. I really don’t believe that is true. My daughter, although she is almost 3 years younger than her brother, became sort of a caretaker as well when she was growing up. It wasn’t because we asked her to. There were times that my son would have a meltdown at school and the only person that could calm him would be his sister. It didn’t happen often but she knew she could help him if he needed it. That’s not something we asked her to do. weedidn’t trust her or think she was capable of helping her brother if we had kept her from him that way.
Kim Kermes 2 years ago
Luke should've an educational aide at school to hehim manage difficult times and reinforce the out of school coaching he should be getting. Then his friends can be friends. The school district is federally required to provide in school assistance but Luke's mom will have to fight for it. There are organizations to help with this, as well as outside coaching. If Izzy's mom looks on line for these organizations, maybe makes a couple of phone inquiries, it should more than assuage her unneeded guilt. Health insurance often won't cover anything, even a diagnostic evaluation.
Jen 2 years ago
I think you mean Maizy when you say Luke here as an aide at school wont help with Izzy needing to help him at home as he is her brother. Maizy is the classmate whose mother needs to not rely on an unrelated 10 year old and blame her family for protecting her (finally).
Load More Replies... Lulu Lemons 2 years ago
I may be wrong and I know my familys experience won't be everyone's, but the kid can parentify themselves. My eldest brother and older sister certainly did at age 10 as they were protective of me and my brother who are both autistic. I know this because I've asked them before if they ever resented the responsibility they had towards me and my brother and they said no, they chose to do it to help us and our parents. I've also talked to others who've shared this, and others who were forced into it. I think you'd need to actually see the family dynamic in person to be able to tell if the parent is forcing them into it or if they're willingly doing it.
JAMES FERRELL 2 years ago
Am I the only one who thinks it's funny how people post a reply to the person who the article is about? Seriously though the OP didn't post this story nor will they probably read your comment unless you put it on their post which is a whole different site. Now AITA? 😂
Ren Leddy 2 years ago
After reading this article, I couldn’t help but notice the negative tone in referring to children and those on the ASD spectrum. Defining this population as hard to handle contributes to stereotypes my son and I deal with on a daily basis. He is different unique and completely in his own world. But never would I define my own child as hard to handle….or anyone else’s. Children learn how to define themselves by interacting with the people around them….who are probably hard to handle ;) Just thoughts as there should be more staff in educational programs trained for students with ASD and therefore, not relying on other students for support.
Zero 2 years ago
I don't think "hard to handle" is meant that way, you're reading too much into too little.
Load More Replies... Ed 2 years ago
Honestly sounds like you're confusing teaching your kids to be good siblings to each other with teaching them to other their sibling with ADHD and autism and instead treat hanging out with them as 'dealing with them' or 'caring for them' -which is what creates this stressful environment for them. It is also pretty rare for only one sibling to have autism or ADHD as both are genetic- it's extremely likely for only the one in the family with immediately noticable traits to be recognized as being autistic or having ADHD. I would take more time with her to talk about ADHD and autism in a different way, you might be surprised how much she understands him because she herself experiences similar things. It could even be she feels so stressed because her needs aren't being met the same way and she's instead expected to mask away her own problems for her more visibly disabled peer when they're actually experiencing similar troubles. (Might help to research female autism)
Ed 2 years ago
Also worth mentioning this happens a lot to girls with autism, they get labeled as having saintly patience when really it's hard for autistic people to articulate how their feeling and speak up in a way that gets them help. Since many girls tend to feel pressured to hide their feelings for others, autistic girls will often begin masking at an exceedingly young age and even internalize the idea that hiding your pain and helping others is what other want/need you to do or even that everyone feels the way you do all the time (leading you to ignore when you're in pain later in life). Many believe this to be a big reason autism is under diagnosed in girls or tends to go undiagnosed until they're an adult (most commonly, when their children are diagnosed- since it is genetic)
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Janice Bergeron 2 years ago
I havd to laugh when I read "unexpectedly got pregnant." Did you do anything to try to PREVENT getting pregnant? Lady, you got yourself in over your head. I feel sorry for Izzy. Let her be a kid! I still have issues from what was forced on me when I was a kid. I always wished I was born in someone else's family.
John Dough 2 years ago
It's almost like birth control and condoms aren't perfect. Almost.
Load More Replies... Lori Ashley 2 years ago
Continued... And that is completely okay. It was a tough decision for her to make because she loves her brother and wants to see him succeed. My point is that your daughter is a natural caretaker and has an amazing heart for other people. That is a beautiful characteristic you should be proud of (which I think you are). Trying to keep her from helping people would be a detriment her, not an asset.
Tiffany Sparks 2 years ago
I was teaching my sister math who was 6 years older than me(6 year old... Figuring out pre-Algebra by reading instructions). I had to take care of my sister, and later my mom and my nephew, then nephews... When I wasn't being kicked out of the house for being a dyke or a whore, or getting myself into trouble to get kicked out by calling the cops on anything I could(mainly drugs). My dad drove me to the next state, signed my lease, and flew home... Leaving a 17 year old responsible for rent and bills, and that was a f*****g vacation. If I ONLY dealt with a younger autistic/ADHD male, like my youngest nephew is that I helped raise... I could have gotten into great colleges and with scholarships.
Tammie Black 2 years ago
As a sister of a mentally r******d and physically handicapped person who is wheelchair bound and requires 24/7 care, I completely understand izzy's feelings. I always had to help my parents out at home as both my parents worked 2 jobs and later on our mom was a diabetic and became very ill and eventually lost both of her legs. So i not only cared for my siter, but also my mother at that point. My sister is 2 yrs younger than I and I am now her constant care giver and have been since our mother dies in 93. Although I have the most amazing husband who has never turned away at helping me, there are times to this day that I get so flustered and fell there's no place to turn. I live my sister to death and wouldn't change the situation at all, but sometimes you just need a break and neither one, myself or my husband have any family left. There is just the 4 of us, myself, my husband, our 27 yr old son and my sister. I come down you Izzy for being a wonderful sister.
John Dough 2 years ago
I see all you learned in your experience is how to be a terrible person with no empathy. I think you might need to add sociopathy to your list of issues.
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Cheri Aline Sydney 2 years ago
I can't believe that, after all of this discussion, Pamela, that your solution is to volunteer Maisy for another task.... What part of "Maisy is 10 years old, it is not her responsibility" didn't you understand ?!
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Susan Locks 2 years ago
No because the compromise will go right out the window.
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Jo Choto 2 years ago
I remember as a child that I would be burdened with things I did not want to do because I was good at them. That included caring for other children. In reality, it caused me stress and distress. It should never be a child's responsibility to manage the problems and medical conditions of another child. The adults need to figure out a solution that doesn't burden another child.
Otter 2 years ago
The OP feels guilty about overburdening her kid by making her take on classmates as well as a sibling, and doesn't realize she's already overburdening the kid. It's not in her interest to do that, overburdened children tend to run screaming away from their families of origin as soon as it's feasible, so if the OP doesn't change things she's going to be shocked, SHOCKED, to find that in a few years from now, Izzy is only applying to out-of-state colleges.
Load More Replies... Airt 2 years ago
Just an idea but maybe if those parents thought that their two children (one with special needs) need them and their attention they sholud not get another two children and dump reaponsibilities on the oldest daughter? I have nothing against big families but if you can take care of them not just make as many babies as possible and then cry that it's hard.
Anthony Roberts 2 years ago
I agree. Birth control is cheap. Four kids (especially with one being very special needs) is not.
Load More Replies... Zophra 2 years ago
Of course the parent is in the right and her daughter should have a choice and not have to be with Maisy, but still the whole situation is just sad. Seems like the teacher needs to think more creatively with Maisy's mother to accomodate her child without leaning on a 10 year old as a constant solution.
ZentheOgre 2 years ago
I am sorry but it looks like Maisy's Mom (ain't got it going on) is using this class trip as an excuse to get freedom. I know it's draining having a child with autism and that parent date nights are few and far between though me and the wife still find time for brunch at the cafe or such while the kids are in school. If this kid has such separation anxiety did you run it by her therapist to see if it was in Maisy's best interest. Are you prepared for a freakout if an anxiety attack hits and she attacks another student/teacher while in fight of flight that tries to calm her down. How long would it take for mom to show up to pick her up. I am sorry but if Maisy want to do this trip the mother should chaperone.
Load More Replies... Eiram 2 years ago
I agree that Izzie has become a suroggate mother at home and school and every adult around her should be ashamed! How DARE they! Her own parents can't stop having kids and they have obviously isolated and ignored the eldest because the other kids "need" them more. Get that girl some attention ASAP before severe depression takes ahold of her for purposefully taking on stress.
Lulu Lemons 2 years ago
I may be wrong and I know my familys experience won't be everyone's, but the kid can parentify themselves. My eldest brother and older sister certainly did at age 10 as they were protective of me and my brother who are both autistic. I know this because I've asked them before if they ever resented the responsibility they had towards me and my brother and they said no, they chose to do it to help us and our parents. I've also talked to others who've shared this, and others who were forced into it. I think you'd need to actually see the family dynamic in person to be able to tell if the parent is forcing them into it or if they're willingly doing it.
Load More Replies... Paula Wynn 2 years ago
Izzy had EVERY right to enjoy the trip like the other children, NOT to be free labor! Maisy's mom needed to either hire a caregiver or go herself, NOT depend on a child to take care of her child.
Don't Look 2 years ago
Every time I have witnessed a disabled child (from light autism all the way to not functioning as a human being) have "normal" siblings, the siblings are ALWAYS just worn out and incredibly patient with the disabled sibling. Giving that child a break whenever possible is an absolute necessity. They need to see what else life has to offer. They did not ask to be born into that situation, they were forced into it. If they reach the point that the child expresses a need and a want to take a break, it's already too late.
WilvanderHeijden 2 years ago
Maisy's mom solved the problem herself. She's pulling her daughter out of the trip. That's her choice, her decision. She could also "sacrifice" herself and care for her daughter during the trip, but it seems that that's not an option in her mind. So she can't blame anyone else and no one has to feel guilty.
LittleLiz 2 years ago
I was under a lot of stress as a kid, being an undiagnosed autistic and a big sister. I got overwhelmed by my toddler siblings at that age and would hide in my room, but they'd bang on the walls and door. I visited my mother every weekend (parents divorced, dad got custody) but even though it was a break from the younger kids' constant screaming, I never got to relax because my mother (a narcissist) made me feel bad if I didn't want to spend every second of every weekend day with her and I felt like I had to entertain her. And in school, I was bullied constantly, so I couldn't relax there either. What saved me was my weekly outings with my (step)mom, who understood and would take me to the mall or roller skating or virtually anywhere I wanted to go and I got to be the baby and relax and not worry about screaming toddlers or immature adults
Kathryn Baylis 2 years ago (edited)
Thank goodness you had at least ONE caring adult who gave you those much needed breaks from all the stress of your family life. Stepmom probably needed them too, so figured you were the only two sane and nice people in two houses full of assholes and lunatics, so decided you were the most appropriate companion to share these breaks with.
Load More Replies... Mim Sörensson 2 years ago
No no no no: NTA, and what's more, the kid must never again be even hinted to about being a carer for "Maisy" ever again. I'm autistic myself and have a job where I meet more people with NPF, so I feel I can have an opinion. The daughter already has to tiptoe around and manage the relationship with her brother, something she will do to one extent or another for the rest of their lives - and now she can't get a rest from it even in school. It's a terrible thing to do to her, I don't understand why the teacher hasn't put a stop to it. Maybe it's a swedish thing, but here they are taught in no uncertain terms that such a situation must never arise, and as soon it seems to it is required to put a stop to it immediately. The mother of Maisy is just an entitled and obviously self centred a*****e. Her opinion is not relevant - not ever again, I would say. She kind of burned that bridge. Jeez - I mean, we're seriously hard to handle from time to time, some of us all the time.
Sarah 2 years ago
I have three nieces (ages 13, 11, 9). 13 has special needs, 11 and 9 do not. 11 and 9 will always have a very different perspective than kids with only typical siblings. It can sometimes be very difficult but, there are also unique rewards. They are incredibly kind and understanding with other kids they know who face similar challenges as their sister. They are NOT however made to feel in any way responsible for those other kids. It is one thing to be a good and kind friend. It is entirely another to be expected to be a support person or a caregiver. No child should feel that they are somehow responsible for another child. That's the job of adults.
Nandina 2 years ago
" unexpectedly got pregnant" " but her comments are ringing in my head" " I know how Maysie's mum feels, and how much it sucks, yet I AM NOT DOING THE ONE THING TO ALLEVIATE HER PAIN" Izzy came home crying not wanting to be with Maisy because she is so stressed at having to take care of YOUR autistic son and a classmate!?!?!? Apparently, you do not know how Izzy feels and don't care to do ANYTHING to alleviate HER PAIN. YTA.
Linda Moffitt 2 years ago (edited)
Nope Absolutely Not (What if something did happen to Maisy on the field trip? Whose fault would it be? And even though all of the adults would know that it was not Izzy's fault (Well, Maybe besides Maisy's Mom) She would most likely never be able to forgive herself and blame herself forever for it) And I seen this mentioned a cpl times in the comments and Totally Agree That Poor Izzy should also NOT have to be a Carer for her Brother (beyond sibling friendship) even if her Parents "Accidentally" got prego 2 more times after him!
Pheolei 2 years ago
I have an autistic younger sister and my parents never meant for me to fall into a caregiver role but it happens. They are your sibling and you want them to be happy and sometimes understand them better than your parents. The mom isn't an a*****e its life.
Lubna Fawzy-Qureshi 2 years ago
Did you feel burnt out? Being a confidant to a sibling is different than caring for their needs. A sibling can help out from time to time but shouldn’t feel like it’s their responsibility to provide care for their ND sibling. Izzy’s mom is feeling guilty because she knows she crossed that line. Her daughter’s well being took a back seat to family harmony. Izzy’s Mom is clearly overwhelmed with caring for her kids and relies on Izzy as an unpaid co-caregiver. That role is tightf her husband’s. Hope that wasn’t your lived in experience.
Load More Replies... Lori Ashley 2 years ago
Continued... You should definitely encourage and praise your daughter for any help she offers to another student or really, anyone. And check in with her regularly to be sure she is not getting overwhelmed. She is still young and may not know when she is taking on too much. She truly has a beautiful spirit. Nurture that and keep doing what you’re doing. She sounds like an amazing little girl.
Maximilian Schussler 2 years ago
I agree. I don't see why taking care of your siblings is such a terrible thing. She wants to help and school was pushing her too far not home
Load More Replies... Kelly Ann Jones 2 years ago
This happens to parents as well. My younger son had behavioral issues which made me very adept at stopping problems before they started. Unfortunately this carried over to my older son's class. Whenever there was a field trip for his class I ended up being "mom" for one particular student. I always felt torn because I went on those trips to be with MY son.
Hannah Edwards 2 years ago
My daughter had a disabled child in her class at school. The other children were relied on a lot to bridge the gap in support provided to her. This resulted in the child, aged 11, getting naked in front of the class to get ready for PE (teacher had left the room briefly) School neglected to mention this to the child’s mother, who only found out from my daughter. Also the mum went to collect her one day to find that no one knew where the child was. This was because other girls in the year had been given the responsibility of ensuring that the child was ready. I loved that the children were in classes with mixed abilities, it gives them invaluable insight and understanding. I don’t think that they should be used instead of funded support though.
Lisa Fleming 2 years ago
Add the youngest of three that I grew up with (so many more but not the point) I was parentified. No matter what I was cooking and cleaning at the age of four. I was making sure things were done the psuedo siblings or their parental units wanted to go someplace special. Regardless of who wanted to go chores has to be done to earn it. Yeah while those two were off with their friends I was busting my rear 65-70% so they could enjoy the planned event. I don't talk to that family. I have nothing to do with that family. I want nothing to do with that family. As an adult I've been told they aren't my family, which is the nicest of hateful comments they've flung at me. It gets worse from there. You are doing to Izzy the exact same thing. And what's worse you let the school do it to Izzy too. Izzy for that matter is a child who had to become Luke's the instant you and your partner figured out she was effective with him. Instead of doing what you should have done you dumped him on her.
Lisa Fleming 2 years ago
You should have used her method with Luke yourselves instead. Then the school and Maisy's Mom have figured out how you manipulated Izzy, and your ignored it. Now that she's having a nervous breakdown you are feeling remorseful. Don't want to lose your third parent huh? I can tell you from living that life it IS abuse, starting with but not limited to neglect. And now you feel bad because Izzy is finally momentarily human? Once she's "all better" she's your atomiton again? You can't provide assistance in another manner for Luke? The school can't hire a para for Maisy? The mom can't hire an aide for Maisy and get her a service dog?? ESA except Izzy!!
Load More Replies... Seb Benson 2 years ago
"... a chance to be a little girl instead of an adult." Well, that says it all. 100% right there. NTA
Lovin' Life 2 years ago (edited)
Izzy deserves so much more than just a day to be a kids without adult responsibility. She needs attention, love, compassion, and just allowed to be a kid and do things that 10 year old kids do. My heart breaks for this child. She has missed out on so many things and deserves so much more. Not taking care of Maisy may be the only good decision the OP has made regarding her child. It sad, angering, and disgusting all at the same time.
Cyndi Bailey 2 years ago
Oh hell people calm down! Unless you have a child like Maisie or Luke you have no idea how hard it is on the whole family! Older as well as younger "average" siblings are effected by the "not average" child and as in ANY OTHER FAMILY ACROSS THE CONTRY all family members work to keep the family going in the same direction day in and day out whether they realize it or not! My youngest is autistic and if it were not for my husband and her older siblings I would have never made it out of bed every day. This situation is no different than a sibling learning ASL for a hearing limited sibling or holding the hand of a visually limited sibling. The OP did not say that she straps the whole responsibility of raising an autistic child on her older daughter. Her daughter "helps" just like and other older child in any other family. OP, I know exactly what you are talking about and where you are coming from. Don't let these idiots tell you that you are a bad parent. You did right & keep it up!
Erica B 2 years ago
I COMPLETELY agree with you. So easy for people who have never experienced raising/teaching a special needs kid to pretend like they know all the perfect solutions. “Just don’t have kids!” seems to be the biggest response. I’d like to see half of these people spend 1 week with a severely special needs kid and not need any help. Then they’d blame it on the teacher, as I’ve also seen in this post.
Load More Replies... Wandering Hammer 2 years ago (edited)
My daughter went through this for years. My kid is not your TA! It's deplorable how teachers and parents guilt tripped her for wanting a break from special needs kids. My daughter has needs, and they're special too!
Maximilian Schussler 2 years ago
I am an older brother for not one but two mentally "disabled" siblings. This is a lot of work but when you get older I have no need to run away from home. I work to help them out as much as I can. I don't see why "Izzy" will be running away from home. If she cares that much to help her brother out it will carry on throughout life. If she didn't care about him she would have crashed before this. The pressure was from school not from home
CL Rowan 2 years ago (edited)
What kind of support network do you have? Did you have time to be a kid, because Izzy sure didn't. She was stuck and luckily she felt she could voice her displeasure at home so she got a much~needed timeout for herself. The teacher should be reprimanded for letting Izzy take on the burden of caring for a student's needs (how are Izzy's grades, I wonder?). No child should come home crying because of this.
Load More Replies... Jessica Swierczynski 2 years ago (edited)
As a sister to an older brother with low functioning autism (currently he’s 21 and I’m 19), even though I’m younger than him, I never got to have a childhood because I always had to watch my brother and take care of him with my parents. I love my brother and I know she does too, but parents with kids with autism need to stop pushing their kids without autism into taking care of their siblings with autism. I didn’t have a childhood. My parents refuse to acknowledge that and act like my life is perfect. I was never cared for by my parents because it was always my brother. So I get her 100% and wish the parents would talk to Izzy more to understand what she’s going through, because the anxiety and depression that I have from feeling uncared for and unloved, I would never wish on anyone.
Susan Green 2 years ago
I empathize with you Jessica, you never should have that happen to you.
Load More Replies... heartbreakerninja 2 years ago
Why is the school leaning on a 10 year old?!?! I don't care if she has a sibling with similar issues. A classmate isn't her responsibility. They should have a classroom aid to assist with the child with special needs. Sounds like the school being lazy and not having resources available for their students.
Onion Morales 2 years ago
NTA but she needs to work on her parenting. 10 year old children don't have much longer to enjoy their childhood, she shouldn't have to cope with stress, she needs to just be a child. Maisy's Mom shouldn't be telling your kid what to do. If Izzy doesn't want to share a room with Maisy she shouldn't have to... Maisy's Mom could chaperone her daughter on the trip if she really wanted it to go well.
Onion Morales 2 years ago
As a person, you're not responsible for anyone's happiness but your own and your children.
Load More Replies... Silja Hare 2 years ago
There's a lot of talk about how Izzy's mom is "parentifying" her because she helps with her brother. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that how "family" works? When did this idea spring up the children are supposed to be raised with individual care and attention even when there's more than one of them? "Parentifying" a child isn't making them help out at home. It's making them responsible for a sibling. I don't see where she is forced to be the sole support worker for her brother - she "helps". This is good because she is learning valuable life skills. The mother is a good one because she is protecting her daughter from being taken advantage of by the single mom, who "wants a break". In other words, she clearly fruits give her daughter time just to be a child.
Ashi Mari 2 years ago
Siblings should care for one another, yes, but expecting a 10 year old to be some sort of social assistant and just deal with her brother's issues because she's just "so good at it" is putting an unfair pressure on a single kid. A kid helping is always a good thing but when the child has this "help" as a fixed responsibility, in QUARANTINE, it will take a toll no matter what, she didn't really choose to have her brother, her parents did, you can't negotiate raising responsibilities with a kid
Load More Replies... Megzymonsta 2 years ago
Why is everyone judging the mum? Clearly she loves her children and her daughter obviously feels loved and safe enough to express her emotions. Having a child with additional needs is never anyone's plan but unfortunately it does affect the whole family. Short of putting one of her children into care (obviously this wouldn't be an option) there is no other way to prevent Izzie from feeling "overburdened" The mother is absolutely NTA in this situation and is clearly doing a brilliant job in recognising her daughter's needs then doing her best to meet them. I would also look into some charities who cater to children and young people who have disabled/SEN siblings/family, they can offer time away from the family and opportunities for kids to just be kids. Perhaps Maisy's mother should also look into some sort of respite care for her daughter so she's not relying on other children to support her daughter but is still enabling Maisy to experience fun trips and socialise with other kids
Mam cymraeg 2 years ago
I can see both sides I have an autistic daughter ( youngest of 3 15,12 and 9) and being a "young carer" was not really a choice as it just happened mostly my girls are ok with it as they mostly help by playing just being in a room while I make food ect which is generally normal for older siblings but while they are good with other special needs kids I wouldn't expect to be put in this situation in school and especially by another mum it's not our choice with their sister but it is with a classmate
Cecily Holland 2 years ago
It shouldn’t just happen. YOU are the parent. You had these children. Do you know what carer burnout is? It is absolutely horrendous. This is how it starts
Load More Replies... Florida, but without the beach 2 years ago
Nowhere in this article does the mother say Izzy takes on a parental role at home. She says she witnessed the behavior of her brother. The mother clearly stated one parent is with the baby and the other with the autistic son. She probably does help out at home, but I have no reason to believe, based on what I read, that it is anymore than any other child is expected to. These people attaching the moon for wanting to stand up for her daughter are likely misinterpreting what the mother said based on their own experiences. It’s really sad to see those comments when the mother is trying to back up her daughter.
StepOnMe1986 2 years ago
I've always thought it would be a good idea to have volunteers for stuff like this. Maybe a program where high school kids get to volunteer to do stuff like this. Also a bus monitor on busses. There are plenty of people who would like to take part in helping out their community in some way. Just a thought I had to help in situations like this.
Lubna Fawzy-Qureshi 2 years ago
That’s a nice thought. Most students on the spectrum respond well to those they have secured a trusted relationship. So a stranger, who volunteers for one event, might not work out. Maisy’s mom and Izzy’s Mom need hire a professional caregiver both for school and at home. I know it’s not always financially doable but it necessary for the well being of their children. Maybe we need to petition government to make this need a covered insurance expense or tax right off.
Load More Replies... Pamela Blackwell-Nwonye 2 years ago
If it is involving a school activity, the school MUST provide an aide. This should NOT be the responsibility of another child. The mother of said special needs child needs to check out www.wrightslaw.com
Leesa Anderson 2 years ago
I am in the USA and a schools are underfunded. The only way a schools get help for special needs students is if the student has an IEP individual education plan. Overnight field trips are offered but not required activities, so a special needs student and their support person isn't always offered. My oldest daughter has autism, mobility issues and mental health issues which often go hand in hand. She and I wanted her to go on the 8th grade trip to Washington D.C. but the school pretty much shut that down. I even offered to rent a mobility scooter, her aide was willing to go. Unfortunately didn't have the money to fly and get her if an incident aroused where she needed to come hom. I had her 2 younger siblings as well. Before anyone judges my children are adopted and are blood siblings.
Load More Replies... Susie Elle 2 years ago
Izzy is ten, and shouldn't be made responsible for another child's happiness, no matter how much that other child struggles. Izzy is not a professional carer, she's a child. Maisy's mom ITA for guilt-tripping other people, including a ten-year-old, to accommodate her and her child. I understand the struggles, but making it someone else's problem is not the solution, and this situation should have been addressed way before Izzy turned into Maisy's pillar of support.
Ashley Jernigan 2 years ago
You're definitely TAH! Your 10 year old broke down from stress and you're seriously considering Maisy's mom's side of it??? WTF. I feel so bad for your daughter.
Dusty Rose 2 years ago
I can relate to this experience. There are some very manipulative teachers out there. My foster child was an adult before her time due to having to parent her natural parent and herself since mom was an addict. I started foster parenting her when she was 7 and she was the new kid in school. Her teacher immediately started pairing her with autistic and troubled kids. She wanted to help but she was not allowed to form friendships which were allowed her to just be a kid herself. This same teacher manipulated who would get into what groups, who would be with popular kids, etc. This kind of thing goes on more than you think.
Diana Smith 2 years ago
I think everyone is too hard on the OP mom. She is doing the best she can and certainly she is not expecting her daughter to parent her sibling all the time. It just doesn’t sound like that to me. There is nothing wrong with a sibling playing and watching her younger sibling when mom is busy with the baby. It’s actually a great learning tool in responsibility. Hasn’t anyone ever heard of a mommy’s helper? You people are way too hard on the mom. You make it sound like mom is expecting her 10 year old to care for the little brother full time! That’s ridiculous. This kind of team effort and supporting each other is just what we lack in this world because of attitudes like this. Way to go OP mom. And, OP mom, it wouldn’t hurt to try to remember to have a little mom and me date now and then so she remembers how special she is to you. It can be hard to remember when life gets crazy. God Bless!
Zero 2 years ago (edited)
I understand this myself. I was forced to basically raise my siblings because my mom was a single parent for most of my life and always had to work. One of my siblings is Autistic. The men she did have around abused me. I never got the chance to be a child and it shows. I'm not a properly developed adult because of it, I'm mature in some ways, childish in others, and completely mentally wrecked from all the abuse. It isn't someone else's job to take care of your child for you; It isn't your kid's job, it's isn't your kid's friend's job, it's yours. And to berate someone over them not forcing their child to watch yours is absolutely ridiculous. The entitlement that people feel they have over other people's time these days is asinine.
Marie carberry 2 years ago
My sister and I have a 10 yr age difference, I'm older. My parents separated when she was 1. From the first day my father moved out my mother expected me to change diapers, get up for 3am feedings, do the laundry etc. I NEVER could forgive her. Luckily I didn't carry that resentment over to my sister. As we got older we became best friends
Paula Allison 2 years ago
You need to take a close look at your own role in this. Your daughter should not "need a break" from taking care of a special needs child. Or children.. at all. She didn't give birth to any children now did she? If you need help, get an adult to help you. And be sure to make your daughter a priority too. She should not need to be saintly. She should be a kid.
Angi Hillin 2 years ago
All kids need breaks from siblings. It's completely normal for siblings to get tired of each other occasionally. You can't expect kids to share a house and not need a break from each other. Especially when some of those kids are still learning boundaries. The toddler that wants to play with older sister doesn't understand and will bug her. If you know about it you stop it, but it's easy to miss and if the older child doesn't tell you about it, you don't do anything about it.
Load More Replies... C. T. 2 years ago
OP (who is clearly not in the U.S. if she says "knackered") probably has a list of local resources for neurodivergent kids like Luke. She should have provided Maisy's mother with the names of some places to contact for appropriate support. The school should also have done this. Maisy's mother may have objected that it would cost £500 (at a guess) but then it focuses the issue: that she is asking someone (Izzy) to do that job for free.
Itz Waffles 2 years ago
I am a female. Gifted class, I take care of "Logan". I usually report to the teacher about his behavior. I have a lot of weight to carry. I get more advanced worksheets, I miss trips to the school library. (tommorow, usually Monday but because of presidents day it's tommorow.) I am one of the three gifted children (that I know of) in my grade. I know how this affects our daily lives. It's hard.
MyOpinionIsServed 2 years ago
See, she's NTA in the big point here, but she is TA when it comes to the fact that she's basically just letting her daughter stress herself out to the point where she could've had a mental breakdown. She's letting her 10yo basically be an emotional support animal, with no one to support her.
Rebecca Joan 2 years ago
Def NOT the a*****e. Sorry your kid has autism and can’t function, then maybe her mom could go on the trip, or she can keep her kid home. Not guilt another child into babysitting her daughter!
Gabby M 2 years ago (edited)
I don't know if there is a clear answer. I am glad people are pointing out the mom is problematic for pushing a lot of responsibility on her daughter. Those kind of kids burn out sooner or later. My mother was parentified as a child which really f*cked her up. Growing up, she was extremely toxic and emotionally abusive. She held a lot of resentment about the fact that she was expected to take care of her siblings from a young age. So when it came to raising me and my siblings, she just did not have the emotional health to care for us.
Joan Orberson 2 years ago
Shame on the mom and shame on the teacher. That is a 10 year old child. That girl is not there to serve at your beck and call. Mom of special needs child, this is YOUR responsibility. I bet if your child falls, etc on this trip, you'll be screaming from the rooftops. Kindly allow this girl to be a 10 year old without taking on such a huge responsibility. Lazy parent. How dare you volunteer someone else's child because you want a break. If you want a sitter to escort your child, PAY HER for her time. So lazy and cheap. Teacher. What is wrong with you??? Trying to get your school district sued?? You should be fired. Both of you need to wake the he** up and let the 10 year old be a 10 year old.
Lara Verne 2 years ago
Maisy is not your daughter's responsibility. Autistic sibling is also not her responsibility. She's a kid, not therapist and caregiver.
MyOpinionHasBeenServed 2 years ago
ETA here. I agree with the people saying Izzy's mom is TA and, the others saying the school is the TA. Izzy's mom is raising her daughter with more responsibility than she needs, BUT it's good that she's realizing it now. The school should have those accommodations for Maisy set up with a support worker or Aide. I know it goes by school funding or paid privately. That is not Izzy or her mom's problem. Unfortunately, not all kids end up being able to join in field trips. I've had to sit out on many all throughout school for various reasons. It wasn't all that bad.
Ashi Mari 2 years ago
The shitty part is that Izzy cannot go to the field trip despite wanting to because adults will put their responsabilities on her if she does, imagine having to miss a fun time with your classmates because otherwise you'll have to work as a caregiver for another kid (while no one else does)
Load More Replies... Cecily Holland 2 years ago
The mother should have crossed her legs instead of having yet another child. This poor little 10 year old has Carer Burnout. Yes that’s a recognised condition and it’s disgusting. The mother has caused this conditioning her child who ended up as a carer to a school mate as well as her brother. If an Autistic child is at that low level of functioning they should be going to camp with and aide which usually they do in this country and should also have an aid in class. My Godson is high functioning but to get there it took therapy, intervention and conditioning to becoming more tolerant of change and separation. Obviously Maisie needs the same support. Can’t stand parents that make little parents and carers out of their kids
Susan Locks 2 years ago
Don't forget the father. She didn't keep getting pregnant alone.
Load More Replies... Rhonda Kisting 2 years ago
The 10 year old needs to be 10 and a kid. The OP should not have encouraged her daughter to be a caregiver. The other girl needs aa Adult caregiver on the trip with her. The girls should be friends and classmates, not caregiver to one who needs care.
Rebecca Farquharson 2 years ago
As an education professional who works with children in special education, specifically those with learning disabilities, I understand this predicament well. School is partially about teaching children how to be decent, generous human beings and so when we ask kids to assist others it's for good reasons. So many children are inclined towards apathy today. However, we all need a break from the stressors of life, and dealing with children who have various neuro diagnoses can be tremendously difficult. It's extremely common for people in my profession to cry themselves sane in school bathrooms. The mum was right to call the school and extract her child from this duty, it's a tremendous ask for a child to work on their holiday. And that's what it was. The conundrum comes when there is no one to room with or partner with a child. Obviously staff cannot room with students. Better to keep child home and plan well so that they have news to share as well.
Austin Axley 2 years ago
Yo, y'all need to be more literate. Nowhere does the mom say her daughter is EXPECTED to act like a caregiver at home, just that she witnesses the difficulty and has adapted to it to be more empathetic with neurodiverse people. Her interactions between her brother and her would be exhausting regardless of whether or not she was the responsible party and it's perfectly acceptable to not want to deal with it for a day when she's supposed to be having fun. Y'all should be ashamed of yourselves for dumping on this mother for something it's not even explicitly evident that she DID.
Angi Hillin 2 years ago
A lot seem to assume that the mom is putting it on the child. Don't assume. Some children are just like that and it makes them happy. The problem comes when you let it go on too long. If the child wants to take care of people there's nothing wrong with that. There's also nothing wrong with using this opportunity to teach balance in ones life. It's ok to care, but it's ok to care for yourself, too.
Colleen Jones 2 years ago
Sorry to say mom had these children and she should be the one responsible for taking care of them, the fact your daughter helps with her brother is fine. When a parent tries to make their child responsible for someone else child that's an issue. Children need to be just that . They need to run and play and enjoy life not made to grow up before there time. Most kids that are forced to grow up fast i personally find make terrible decisions in life because they are looking for something they didn't have growing up. Siblings will always be there for one another. That other mom should be ashamed of herself trying to guilt trip that little girl into caring for her child. If it's that bad at home then hire someone to help care for your child. Let that girl enjoy her trip.
Sleepydoggos 2 years ago
Wow, people! Read before you comment! Last baby was a surprise. If your child (or you, for that matter) live in a house with a disabled/ difficult person, ofcourse they/ you learn how to deal with that. It doesn't mean your child/ you are being "abused" or "denied childhood". It just means your child/ you has/ have learnt to regulate their/ your own emotions and know how to cope with those problems. Wanting someone having a break from their daily grind is normal. We all have a vacation sometimes right? And how would OP reorganize her life so that her daughter never comes in contact with her son? Are we really saying children shouldn't have siblings?
T. D. P. B. 2 years ago
It is a blessing to have a child who is patient and tolerant of these needs, but that blessing of a child also deserves respite to be the child she is. The special needs of others is NOT HER RESPONSIBILITY @ this point in her life.
Jackie Mullica 2 years ago
This is terrible that the other Mom is trying to make this family feel guilty!! That 10 YO deserves to be just that .. a ten year old!! This poor baby needs some fun in her life like every other child. The other mother should be ashamed of herself expecting other people's children to take care of hers!!
Darlene Fierro 2 years ago
I don't think there is anything wrong with a child helping out a special needs sibling. But there is a diff between helping out & shouldering the burden with a special needs sibling. Same goes if there is a large family. We all have had to pitch in a time or two when we didn't want to like babysitting or needing to help clean or do extra chores but not being responsible for doing all the cleaning or cooking. I also don't see nothing wrong with a child helping out in school. It teaches them compassion. But making a child who is not at all related responsible for the happiness & learning of a special needs is waaay to much. I'm glad the mother listened to her daughter & let her just be a child for the school trip. There are respite services that can give the mom a break if she needs one. She doesn't need to seek it out from a 10yr old little girl.
Andrei Caldararu 2 years ago
Why the hell does this 10 year old have to take care of two other kids - especially if they are neutodivergent?
Murphy Caroline 2 years ago
It's not the job of a 10 year old to be a parent to their sibling or other kids. You better hope she won't resent you one day. I have a feeling you're going to expect even more responsibility after you pop out yet another kid.
Tara Raay 2 years ago (edited)
A 10 year old is STRESSED! That is not okay what so ever! Stress can kill people. Poor baby.
Cheri Aline Sydney 2 years ago
Or, worse yet, Tara, make them want to kill their self !
Load More Replies... Cindy Caruso 2 years ago
Your daughter has no business being used as a caregiver for a fellow student. That's the school and parent of the other kids, response abilities. She deserves her own education and attention. As for you get some extra help with your kids. Your children each deserve your attention. The oldest always seems to end up with this role. You think you and your husband are tired, think how your little kid feels. She doesn't ever get away from it. Even at school. Remember the eldest is just your first born kid not your partner in caring for the others. Sure kids always want to help but, it needs to remain their choice to help. Parents tend to become reliant on their older kids to help and that kid looses a part of themselves. They land a role of responsibility and tend to lose a part that remembers to care for themselves. You need to make her a priority again even if it's just a part of each day and a special day of the week. Each kid needs some time that's just for them.
Insanity Wolf 2 years ago
What's with this new trend of treating literal children as if they are adults?
Loki’s Lil Butter Knife 2 years ago (edited)
Izzy sounds like such a mature, kind-hearted, and empathetic child. Just because she may be wise beyond her years, does not mean that she has to be strapped with the burden of being the constant caretaker at such a young age. She is a 10 year girl who needs to grow, have fun, experience new things and not be constantly tied down with the burden of feeling that she needs to care for others. My nanny was forced to become the caretaker for her family at such a young age and it truly caused her so much anxiety and stress later in life as she always felt that she failed people if she didn't make them happy. I understand that Maisy's mother made need some relaxation, but it is beyond cruel to get angry at a literal child who just wants to have fun. Maisy's mother could work with the school district or perhaps a learning resource specialist to come up with a plan for how to make Maisy feel welcomed and safe in school.
Sarah Turney 2 years ago
Wow I feel awful for both of these little girls. The daughter of the author simply wants a break not that she should even feel like she should in the first place. Having so much pressure on her shoulders must be hard even if she does enjoy helping other which is admirable. The second child also is suffering. By not supporting her to gain coping skills when things can't be the way she needs is disabling her. The author must be so proud of her daughter but truly understands how challenging it can be supporting individuals with autism.
anja F 2 years ago
Have none of the adults in this situation heard of respite??? No one here is fully the AH in this situation. Its a tough situation for both parents and the teachers involved. They need to be more responsible and reach out for help. It is available, possibly even at no cost to the families. Both mothers need to stop relying on children to care for their special needs children and find the correct ADULT support! Ive been working in this field for years, and i promise there are lots of people out there that can offer support in both situations. The only way Maisy should be going on this trip, is with the support of a trained adult. And the OP needs to get some in home support so that she isnt always relying on Izzy. Please got to your local regional center ASAP. And give Izzy serious respect. She needs to be celebrated. Ive seen many siblings who avoid or are mean to their special needs siblings.
Amanita Virosa 2 years ago (edited)
Do 10 year-olds go on over night trips in school, is that 5th grade?
kiki kat 2 years ago
This child did not birth that other child nor does she share the same blood, therefore she has zero obligations to care for that child. She is a child all on her own and deserves to actually enjoy her childhood. That other mom should never have kids if she can't manage to not enslave others to take on her responsibilities.
Lori Ashley 2 years ago
I have a son with autism and a younger neuro-typical daughter. They are both adults now but the school years, especially elementary and middle school, were difficult. Sending my son to school everyday was like sending him into surgery with no anesthesia, emotionally. I fought for every accommodation, modification, technology support and help I could get. He even had a one-on-one aide for most of the time. Any parent with a special needs child knows how hard it can be to get to get any of these things.
Melissa anderson 5 months ago
NTA. Maisy’s mother expects a 10 year old child to do her job for her and take care of her child. Parenting fail 101.
Janice Scott 5 months ago
Some of the comments here are downright nasty. The OP is not forcing her daughter to parent her brother. It is part of being in a family with someone who has special needs. The OP stated that in the past they have made arrangements so the daughter could have her own time away from her brother and the stress he sometimes causes. It just happens that at this point of their lives they have a baby which, from the sounds of it, was not really planned. The family is living through a stressful time. I definitely think the daughter should not room with Maisy. She needs to be a kid. She also needs to be paired with Maisy less often at school.
Sarah Léon 5 months ago
I'm autistic and I have anxiety issues and when I was 10 I didn't understand the social conventions with my friends at school. I never went to camp or else because we lived in the forest and I spent my time outside with my dog and the neighbor's kids. But when I was 10 there was a school trip I didn't want to go, and my mum didn't give me the choice. I had to go and I was even separated from my friends in the bedrooms... It was so scary ! But you know what ? I spent the best time of my life with my friends and the people of the camp and the teachers and we had so much fun I even forget to call my mom once or twice ! I cried when I get home bc of the stress relief I kept inside, but it's still a great memory. Yes it was stressful at first, but life *is* stressful, and if you don't learn to manage some little stress when you are young, how will you do when you are an adult with adult responsabilities ? School is also here to help you learn how life works.
Valerie Witter 2 years ago
This is a sad situation, but Izzy is not Maisie’s caregiver. It is not her job to be with Maisie so she doesn’t have separation anxiety or whatever else happens. OP, Izzy should play with her brother, not make him HER CHILD. Maisie’s mom - you should go on the trip with Maisie. Sounds like you were trying to take a vacation while Maisie was gone. SHE IS YOUR CHILD, NOT IZZY’S.
Marty Sunderland 2 years ago
Illegal in the US. School must provide a one-on-one for special needs children, and never expect a child to take that role
Priya 2 years ago
Lady just caz ur son needs special care, doesn't mean u take away childhood from ur other child. She is just a kid since ur son n other kids r born from thread it seems u both ignored her. In thread it's written youngest son is born so one parent is with youngest and other with luke. Who take care of the other two kids then.... If u bring kids in world give them atleast better place at home... Dnt make them helpers n it's technically a child labour I, her teacher n tht girls mother is asking from her...
Hailey Peterson 2 years ago
What I'm wondering is why Maisy doesn't have her own helper, this is a lot of responsibility for a 10 yo, there were always helpers at my school, and no one is in the right here, she should not have been parentified this young, and the adults being so lazy disgusts me, being somewhat parentified at a young age as well, this is terrible
Rachel Fufb 2 years ago
I dated a man with two children one being special needs. The other one does help and feels a responsibility for her disabled brother. That is going to happen no matter HOW the parent handles it. I don't think people should be blaming the OP for that. I never thought either parents in my situation but responsibility on the sister to take care of her brother but it's an unfortunate result. Sounds like the OP is getting a good wake up call and hopefully does examine her own parenting choices for her daughter to protect her even further. But it sounds like she stood up for her child and needs to work on not being a people pleaser. I also think it's easy to judge another person when you haven't been in their shoes. No one wakes up knowing how to parent let alone knows how to parent kids with special needs. She empathizes with the other mother and I think that's beautiful. Sounds like the mother could really use someone to lean on. Give compassion instead of judgement.
Jimmy Lewis 2 years ago
This is crazy, and totally unacceptable. Your daughter isn't responsible for this classmate.
Terri Herstad 2 years ago
I don't understand why the special needs child in school didn't have staff support on the trip. Is there not already a paraeducator in the room on a regular basis? If this 10 year old is expected to care for a classmate in the regular class room, that's an issue the teacher needs to address.
Harry Bageant 2 years ago
Izzy is a blessing to her Brother and her friend. But again she is only 10 years old. An over night trip is a great adventure for a 10yold but could be a nightmare with such added responsibility. Imagine if the other child looses it and can't be consoled who you gonna call I know who all the inconveniencd adults are gonna blame. Let the 10yold enjoy her experience. As for helping at home. It's great that she does. She has learned compassion and empathy that may one day guide her life choices making her a great person.
Diana Smith 2 years ago
I truly feel for Maisy’s mom and for Marist. But Maisy just isn’t the responsibility for another child. Izzy has the right to be a 10 year old and play with her other peers as well. That is not possible unless she has a peer who understands as she does. My youngest was just like Izzy. She was phenomenal with her classmates who have special needs. She enjoyed partnering up with them for activities and would often play with them at recess. However, the special needs children had paraprofessionals who oversee their care and always be present. And this also gave my daughter some freedom to play with other friends when she wanted. Congrats OP mom for having raised a child with such a warm heart. When you told the teacher of your concerns, you were teaching Izzy that it’s okay to say no. It was a great teaching moment. I’m sure Izzy will continue to be wonderful with Maisy. Everything in moderation.
Cori Dock 2 years ago
I am so sad for everybody in this situation, but Izzy's mom isn't an AH. She's in an impossible situation. She realized there is a problem, listened to and advocated for her daughter, pushing her own feeling and needs aside to do so. She is doing as good a job as anybody because there isn't a mom on earth who hasn't messed up. All she can do now is move forward and do better, and it looks like she is doing just that. Kudos to you, Izzie's Mom. Keep growing and be better than yesterday. <3
Corinna Hinz 2 years ago
I must admit I can best identify with Izzy- not with the adult persons- as I was such a kid, too, who took care of... well, not of classmates who were heavily deranged but of those who tended to be outsiders. I would have been- even without the teacher 's wish for me to be in one room with the difficult child I was taking care of- in a very difficult situation, because I considered it to be my duty to be there for those in need. You couldn 't have done the right thing for me! I would have felt bad anyway- either because I would have felt being in one room with that classmate would be too much, or because I would have reproached myself for wanting some "holidays" from my duty.
Gwen Johnson 2 years ago
I think that as a member of the family children need to help out...especially with one child with problems and another on the way. I agree that babysitting and helping teaches them responsibility. However, they are children and should not be expected to take on the parenting responsibility. The other mom should have understood that this child's life should not involve caregiver for her child as well. Even the teacher should have seen this before asking a 10 year old to take on responsibility for another child. Subject should never have come up.
epiccollision 2 years ago
Stop “getting pregnant unexpectedly” it’s really immature and unless you are independently wealthy, stop being so IRRESPONSIBLE with human lives…
zovjraar me 2 years ago
raised my sister, never wanted kids after that. i don't blame my mum- divorced, no skills, 3 kids to raise and dad not paying child support. also no family and all friends left when she came out as gay. but it certainly affected me and i do wonder what i would be like if i hadn't had to be 2nd mom.
Doña Olds 2 years ago
My daughter also somehow became the "caretaker" of an extremely disabled little girl. I put a stop to it immediately! She was only 8 years old! This was NOT my child's job. She already had a sister with Myasthenia Gravis. Her sister was fiercely independent but when it came to washing her hair...changing Barbie's clothes....my oldest was right there for her little sister. I am a teacher & dealt with special needs....there were times I had to draw the line...To clean a tracheotomy tube, change a diaper. I have 3 degrees. If I had the stomach for that kind of thing I would have gotten a masters in nursing....not become a teacher. I'm sorry but that IS not my job. Trust me, I had my own hands full with my daughters school district when it came to physical therapy & IEPs. It wasn't until my daughter became "A Make A Wish" child did the staff realize her illness wasn't some minor issue.
Huddo's sister 2 years ago
This is why there needs to be more funding to appoint integration workers, so the kids don't have to fill the gaps!
Anna Ambrosia Halfhill 2 years ago
The mom is not the a*****e for having her help with her brother if Izzy doesn't want to help and he mom makes her help then she is an a*****e. Some kids naturally fall into the caregiver role when I was a child I was in the GT program and we helped out with special needs children as part of learning about child education I loved doing it. I was also very ill while I was in elementary school and could not go to gym class and recess we had already been doing the kindergarten and first grade buddy program teaching younger children how to read so I would go help during my gym time and recess time I'm 36 years old and still have contact with some of the kids I helped out. Caregiving saved me it showed me that I had worth that I still had a lot I could give I couldn't physically do a lot because of medical limitations. I don't know what would have happened to me without the time I spent helping those kids read write do math helping them with craft projects.
Nicole 2 years ago
Ummm...why is Maisy's mom trying to burden a 10 year old with her responsibilities? To me as the outsider, seems like she is not handling her life and it's stressors very well. She may need to seek additional help with her daughter and some for herself. Good on you for advocating for your daughter and respecting her boundaries. Yes, Izzy may have learned how to handle living with her brother and her classmate but that doesn't make it her responsibility to have to be the keeper. You keep going and protecting your children and let that lady sort herself out. Her actions are a reflection of what's happening with her and not you or your daughter.
Henry Shane 2 years ago
The daughter already does enough at home, and at school. So much so she gets praise for it. She is 10, not even legal where I live to baby sit. Her job is to be 10 and not even overly help with her brother as she is 10 and deserves to be 10. But she does all that because she is a good person, she pushed herself and does more then most adults would. She deserves to decide when and where she gives that help, and if she been a already at 10 them damn well give her one..she is 10 and most adults could not handle stress, look at all the self care crap peddled...yet they want a 10 year old to carry that weight.. Pull her from school, find get new one where she can have a break, one without the burdens of home...as she has none as of now...she has her brother at home and this girl at school her life is this and only this and that's horrible. Her brother is one thing, she should not have to do it for others simply because she has experience...she is 10.
Brian Kritcher 2 years ago
NTA! She is your daughter and that makes her your responsibility. The exact same math applies to the special needs child. It is the responsibility of her mother to determine if her daughter can handle a trip like that under her current anxiety. And then it would be the school's job to provide reasonable accommodations where possible. NOT any other person, especially another child is responsible. Also I think a lot of these comments fail to understand that OP is not exploiting her daughter! A family is a functioning machine and every person is needed for good of the rest. Helping her family is good and expected. The extent of that is up to the members of the family to decide.
ispeak catanese 2 years ago
This may seem tangential but many doctor's offices, schools and hospitals rely on young children to interpret for their non-English speaking family members. It's a big burden to place on children, in the same way this is.
Rebecca Joan 2 years ago
I’m also sorry to the people who are going to be offended by saying this girl Maisy has autism and can’t function, but that is honestly exactly what it is and we have to call things what they are. If she could function, then Izzy wouldn’t have to be asked to chaperone. AITA? Absolutely. But sometimes the truth hurts.
River Daski 2 years ago
I was Izzy in HS. I have (then undiagnosed) ADHD, so i got along well with other neurodivergent students, especially the Downs kids who neurotypical people really dont respond well to. My teacher gave me lots of praise for helping out, but *especially* as another neurodivergent person, it was just so hard sometimes to help them and myself.
Ashley Hoekstra 2 years ago
Okay so two things; your kid comes first and you don't need to explain yourself.
buttonpusher 2 years ago
The school should be providing a special needs assistant for this. I've a kid with autism and if that was me I'd be f****n livid. It's not fair on the kid but also I'd expect a qualified carer to be put in place.
Debbi Carney Clark 2 years ago
Part 2: To Maisy's Mom: Maisy is YOURS. I'm very sorry you have wound up as a single parent but you have to suck it up & figure out ways to take care of Maisy your own self. Izzy is a great friend to her but Izzy is NOT her parent or caretaker, just a really good friend who has great coping skills + a gift for dealing with these particular challenges. Figure it out. Get into a support group. Start a support group. Find a FB page. Start a FB page. Do something outside of guilting Izzy & OP. Thank you. Have a great day!
Debbi Carney Clark 2 years ago
Read the story, then the comments. Sure are a lot of judgmentalists here. Doesn't sound like Maisie has been "forced" to be the co-parent. Looks instead like she really loves her brother & her new friend, Maisie, & has a real gift for helping those who struggle with these type of challenges. She needs a break? Yes, she does & she should get one. + She is intelligent enough to know when she's had enough, unlike some of us adults! The birth control remarks? Pretty harsh, considering OP Mom already stated the younger child was "unexpected," + NEWSFLASH: BC doesn't always work! I have 2 great-nieces that are living proof of that + a slew of friends with unexpected arrivals so please shut up since you don't know.
Ashi Mari 2 years ago
The fact that she reached her breaking point and just now her mother notices how wrong is to burden her with this much is the issue, yes, the girl is really kind, but some adults really take children's kindness for granted. I doubt any of the other children has to care for their brother at home, because she does it better, even though a 10 year old shouldn't have a child assigned to her, and the whole issue with being pushed to care for her neurodivergent classmate (something she did out of kindness, yes, but the teacher and the other kid's mom have started to abuse her kindness and made her favors an obligation). Having to be a caregiver both at home and school means she doesn't really have a place to act like an average kid her age and relax. The birth control comments are indeed disgusting though, even in the off case they just never thought of birth control, the child is already here, do they want the parents to time travel and abort or what?!
Load More Replies... Keisha 2 years ago
It sounds like Maisie's mom should chaperone on the trip and take care of her own daughter. I don't have special needs children but I have always been very involved in volunteering at my children's schools. I never missed a field trip nor any activity that they were into. When I went on trips with my children I always told their teachers that I am there strictly for my children but I didn't mind helping out. There were times when the entire class wanted to be in my "group" and I had to say no. When they were younger I felt guilty for doing so. But just like I was always there for activities I would see the exact same parents also there. The one's that never showed up if their children got into trouble the parents would loudly claim that their children hadn't done anything wrong. My thoughts were always you don't have a clue about your children because you aren't around. People have jobs and lives but they need to understand that it's their responsibility to parent their children.
Lori Ashley 2 years ago
Continued... She also realizes she didn’t have a “normal” childhood like some of her other friends. But then, again, what is a “normal” childhood. Everyone has something going on. We did our best to teach her boundaries and to keep her from feeling like it was her job to take care of her brother because it wasn’t. Recently she graduated and moved out on her own. She thought about having her brother live with her for a while so he could learn to be more independent. But, she decided against it because she knew how much help he still needs on a daily basis. At this time in her life, she wants to focus on herself, what she wants to do, college, working, dating etc.
Lori Ashley 2 years ago
Continued - I read some people’s comments and they said YTA because you let your daughter become a caretaker and that you parentified her. I really don’t believe that is true. My daughter, although she is almost 3 years younger than her brother, became sort of a caretaker as well when she was growing up. It wasn’t because we asked her to. There were times that my son would have a meltdown at school and the only person that could calm him would be his sister. It didn’t happen often but she knew she could help him if he needed it. That’s not something we asked her to do. weedidn’t trust her or think she was capable of helping her brother if we had kept her from him that way.
Kim Kermes 2 years ago
Luke should've an educational aide at school to hehim manage difficult times and reinforce the out of school coaching he should be getting. Then his friends can be friends. The school district is federally required to provide in school assistance but Luke's mom will have to fight for it. There are organizations to help with this, as well as outside coaching. If Izzy's mom looks on line for these organizations, maybe makes a couple of phone inquiries, it should more than assuage her unneeded guilt. Health insurance often won't cover anything, even a diagnostic evaluation.
Jen 2 years ago
I think you mean Maizy when you say Luke here as an aide at school wont help with Izzy needing to help him at home as he is her brother. Maizy is the classmate whose mother needs to not rely on an unrelated 10 year old and blame her family for protecting her (finally).
Load More Replies... Lulu Lemons 2 years ago
I may be wrong and I know my familys experience won't be everyone's, but the kid can parentify themselves. My eldest brother and older sister certainly did at age 10 as they were protective of me and my brother who are both autistic. I know this because I've asked them before if they ever resented the responsibility they had towards me and my brother and they said no, they chose to do it to help us and our parents. I've also talked to others who've shared this, and others who were forced into it. I think you'd need to actually see the family dynamic in person to be able to tell if the parent is forcing them into it or if they're willingly doing it.
JAMES FERRELL 2 years ago
Am I the only one who thinks it's funny how people post a reply to the person who the article is about? Seriously though the OP didn't post this story nor will they probably read your comment unless you put it on their post which is a whole different site. Now AITA? 😂
Ren Leddy 2 years ago
After reading this article, I couldn’t help but notice the negative tone in referring to children and those on the ASD spectrum. Defining this population as hard to handle contributes to stereotypes my son and I deal with on a daily basis. He is different unique and completely in his own world. But never would I define my own child as hard to handle….or anyone else’s. Children learn how to define themselves by interacting with the people around them….who are probably hard to handle ;) Just thoughts as there should be more staff in educational programs trained for students with ASD and therefore, not relying on other students for support.
Zero 2 years ago
I don't think "hard to handle" is meant that way, you're reading too much into too little.
Load More Replies... Ed 2 years ago
Honestly sounds like you're confusing teaching your kids to be good siblings to each other with teaching them to other their sibling with ADHD and autism and instead treat hanging out with them as 'dealing with them' or 'caring for them' -which is what creates this stressful environment for them. It is also pretty rare for only one sibling to have autism or ADHD as both are genetic- it's extremely likely for only the one in the family with immediately noticable traits to be recognized as being autistic or having ADHD. I would take more time with her to talk about ADHD and autism in a different way, you might be surprised how much she understands him because she herself experiences similar things. It could even be she feels so stressed because her needs aren't being met the same way and she's instead expected to mask away her own problems for her more visibly disabled peer when they're actually experiencing similar troubles. (Might help to research female autism)
Ed 2 years ago
Also worth mentioning this happens a lot to girls with autism, they get labeled as having saintly patience when really it's hard for autistic people to articulate how their feeling and speak up in a way that gets them help. Since many girls tend to feel pressured to hide their feelings for others, autistic girls will often begin masking at an exceedingly young age and even internalize the idea that hiding your pain and helping others is what other want/need you to do or even that everyone feels the way you do all the time (leading you to ignore when you're in pain later in life). Many believe this to be a big reason autism is under diagnosed in girls or tends to go undiagnosed until they're an adult (most commonly, when their children are diagnosed- since it is genetic)
Load More Replies... Janice Bergeron 2 years ago
I havd to laugh when I read "unexpectedly got pregnant." Did you do anything to try to PREVENT getting pregnant? Lady, you got yourself in over your head. I feel sorry for Izzy. Let her be a kid! I still have issues from what was forced on me when I was a kid. I always wished I was born in someone else's family.
John Dough 2 years ago
It's almost like birth control and condoms aren't perfect. Almost.
Load More Replies... Lori Ashley 2 years ago
Continued... And that is completely okay. It was a tough decision for her to make because she loves her brother and wants to see him succeed. My point is that your daughter is a natural caretaker and has an amazing heart for other people. That is a beautiful characteristic you should be proud of (which I think you are). Trying to keep her from helping people would be a detriment her, not an asset.
Tiffany Sparks 2 years ago
I was teaching my sister math who was 6 years older than me(6 year old... Figuring out pre-Algebra by reading instructions). I had to take care of my sister, and later my mom and my nephew, then nephews... When I wasn't being kicked out of the house for being a dyke or a whore, or getting myself into trouble to get kicked out by calling the cops on anything I could(mainly drugs). My dad drove me to the next state, signed my lease, and flew home... Leaving a 17 year old responsible for rent and bills, and that was a f*****g vacation. If I ONLY dealt with a younger autistic/ADHD male, like my youngest nephew is that I helped raise... I could have gotten into great colleges and with scholarships.
Tammie Black 2 years ago
As a sister of a mentally r******d and physically handicapped person who is wheelchair bound and requires 24/7 care, I completely understand izzy's feelings. I always had to help my parents out at home as both my parents worked 2 jobs and later on our mom was a diabetic and became very ill and eventually lost both of her legs. So i not only cared for my siter, but also my mother at that point. My sister is 2 yrs younger than I and I am now her constant care giver and have been since our mother dies in 93. Although I have the most amazing husband who has never turned away at helping me, there are times to this day that I get so flustered and fell there's no place to turn. I live my sister to death and wouldn't change the situation at all, but sometimes you just need a break and neither one, myself or my husband have any family left. There is just the 4 of us, myself, my husband, our 27 yr old son and my sister. I come down you Izzy for being a wonderful sister.
John Dough 2 years ago
I see all you learned in your experience is how to be a terrible person with no empathy. I think you might need to add sociopathy to your list of issues.
Load More Replies... Cheri Aline Sydney 2 years ago
I can't believe that, after all of this discussion, Pamela, that your solution is to volunteer Maisy for another task.... What part of "Maisy is 10 years old, it is not her responsibility" didn't you understand ?!
Load More Replies... Susan Locks 2 years ago
No because the compromise will go right out the window.
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