Your taste in humor says a lot about you. For instance, by knowing what kind of jokes you like, one can surely guess your favorite color, your most beloved potato dish, and with which hand do you pick your nose. Humor is a telltale method about your innermost secrets, whether you like to admit it or not. However, there's always an enigma lurking in the shadows in the world of things in plain sight. In this case, said enigma is the people who do not like any of the conventional types of jokes. They are the ones who only enjoy and live for a thing known as anti-joke. If you’re one of these people who find themselves amused by jokes that are so bad they are good, we have no chance of guessing neither your fav color - it might be #FF573, but it also very well might be the dreadful #929528… - nor your favorite potato dish. It could be tater tots, but you might also eat them raw. With peel. Unwashed. Such is the nature of the lovers of anti-jokes, the walking mysteries, the secret codes among us.
Anyway, even if your taste in humor is a bit more versatile, you might also find these weird jokes thoroughly amusing. We’ve penned more than a hundred of them in our list, so if some might seem too, ehm, much for you, scroll on down below, and you’ll definitely find a bunch that will not only make you laugh but also spit out your drink in disbelief at the written word’s goodness. Okay, you can also call them the worst jokes ever, but that’s just a potato potahto thing.
So, connoisseurs of the bizarre, our picks of the most serious jokes are just a smidgen further down. In the time it will take you to scroll there, prepare yourself for the nostril-flares, eyebrow-raising, and scoffs. An added bonus would be a toneless “Ha” - in that case, give the silly jokes that made you articulate this onomatopoeic interjection your vote. After that, share these reverse jokes with your reverse-minded kin!
You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. For example, if she's holding a gun, she's probably angry.
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I was shocked when I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof.
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When we were kids, we used to be afraid of the dark. But when we grew up, the electricity bill made us afraid of the light.
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Someone stole my mood ring. I don’t know how I feel about that.
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How does the white-tail deer jump higher than the average house?
This is due to their powerful hind legs and the fact that the average house can’t jump.
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What do you call a joke that isn't funny?
A sentence.
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A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, “Why the long face?” The horse, incapable of reason and understanding human language, poops on the floor and walks back out the bar door.
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Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.” Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water.
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What is red and extremely bad for your teeth?
A flying brick.
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I told my friend she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
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I still remember the last words my grandfather said before he kicked the bucket. He said, “Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
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Why do you never see elephants hiding behind trees?
They’re so good at it.
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A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you.”
The grasshopper replies, “What? You have a drink called Steve?”
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I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m OK.
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A man walks into a bar, another man walks into the bar. Many people are walking into the bar. It is a great night for business.
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Why are friends a lot like snow?
If you pee on them, they disappear.
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Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
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Why can’t dinosaurs laugh?
Because they’re all dead.
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Scientific fact: if you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
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Mary had a little lamb, and the doctor fainted.
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What’s blue and smells like red paint?
Blue paint.
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You know what they say?
Words.
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Roses are dead. Violets are dead. I am a bad gardener.
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What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A deer. The absence of eyes doesn't change the species.
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What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
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Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
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Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
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A patient told the surgeon he couldn’t feel his legs. The surgeon replied, “I know. I amputated your arms.”
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How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. They're very efficient people.
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A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a banana martini.
The bartender thinks this is peculiar and realizes it is because he is actually dreaming. The man wakes up from the dream and begins to tell his wife all about it. His wife simply ignores him and goes back to sleep. The man rolls over and begins to sob as he realizes his marriage is in shambles.
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Guess what I saw today?
Everything I looked at.
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What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?
An ambulance, due to the fact that he has a rather severe head wound.
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What do a banana and a helicopter have in common?
Neither of them is a police officer.
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How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
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What do you call a pencil sharpener that can’t sharpen pencils?
Broken.
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What is the funniest of all anti jokes?
Definitely not this one.
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Learn sign language. It’s very handy.
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Why do we dress baby boys in blue and baby girls in pink?
Because they can't dress themselves.
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What do you call a medical student that graduated last in their class?
Doctor.
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What’s orange and tastes like an orange?
An orange.
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What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
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What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Getting a heart attack.
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How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish?
Neither one can whistle.
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Why do flamingos stand on one leg?
If they lifted up the other one, they’d fall over.
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Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? Do you know why that is?
Because there are more geese in that line.
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What does a dad joke sound like in space?
As cringe as it sounds on earth.
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Hey there, if you are reading this... You are definitely literate.
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A horse walks into a bar. Several of the patrons quickly get up and leave, realizing the potential danger in the situation.
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What’s a pirate’s favorite letter of the alphabet?
None. Historians believe that most pirates were most likely illiterate.
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Roses are red, violets are blue… But roses can also be many other colors, including yellow, pink, and white; and violets actually look more purple than blue, hence their name.
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What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.
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This girl invited me to her house, saying nobody was home. I got there, and nobody was home.
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What’s funny about five people in a Chevy Suburban driving off a cliff?
Nothing. They were my friends.
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A proton walks into a bar. No one noticed it because protons are tiny and everywhere.
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What’s black and white and red all over?
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner.
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What’s the one thing in life you can actually always count on?
A calculator.
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How is a bar of soap the same as your dreams?
They’re both amazing at slipping away.
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You can pick your nose and you can pick your friends… But you can’t rob a bank. That’s a felony.
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How do you know it’s cold outside?
You go outside and it’s cold.
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Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
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Chuck Norris walks into a bar. He gets treated with great respect since he’s such a talented actor.
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Who shaves at least 20 times a day?
A barber.
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I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
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A man died after eating 300 hot dogs.
Don't eat 300 hot dogs.
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What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple of short films too.
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What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
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Helium walks into a bar. He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
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How do you get someone to stop swinging on a swing?
Snip the rope.
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Why did Jordan stay home from the party?
He wasn’t invited.
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You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
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Learning how to collect trash wasn’t hard. I just picked it up as I went along.
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I’d never tell you a pizza joke. It’s way too cheesy.
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Where was the Constitution signed?
At the bottom.
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Why did the chicken cross the road?
Chickens do not have the cognitive ability to reason. Therefore, it was random.
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What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
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Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
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A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
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Why did the swan hiss?
Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
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Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup?
Because she was wearing too much makeup.
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What do you call a talking turtle?
A cartoon.
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Where do polar bears vote?
I was unaware that polar bears had political views.
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If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it… Then my illegal logging company is a success.
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How do you empty a pool full of Canadians?
Politely but firmly tell them, "Get out of the pool, please!"
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A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, "Why the long face?"
The horse says, "Evolution."
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A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
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What do you call a pretty woman on the arm of a musician?
A tattoo.
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Two muffins are sitting in the oven. One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
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What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
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What do you call a cross between… A joke and a rhetorical question?
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What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
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What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A horrible boating accident.
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Do you know what’s odd?
Every other number.
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Why did the mailman die?
Because everybody dies.
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Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.
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Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Chickens had not evolved yet.
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Why did the man have a nosebleed?
Because he got punched in the face.
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Why did the dinosaur say "hello" to the little girl?
He was being polite.
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What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it.
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What do you call a pigeon that can’t find its way back home?
A pigeon.
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Do you know why everyone is afraid to come to my house?
It’s haunted.
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I talk to myself because sometimes I just need advice.
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What’s the difference between a rabbit and a grape?
They’re both purple, except the rabbit isn’t.
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What do you get when you mix a goat and a sheep?
A geep.
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Why did the bird fall out of the tree?
Because it passed out.
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Why couldn’t the bird screw in the lightbulb?
Because he didn’t have hands.
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What did the cowboy say at his second rodeo?
“This ain’t my first rodeo!”
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What's yellow and is something you shouldn't drink?
A school bus.
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I have glasses but cannot see. I have feet but cannot walk. What am I?
A riddle.
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Why are there no Jewish people on Uranus?
The nature of the planet does not sustain human life.
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What's green and has wheels?
Grass. I lied about the wheels.
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What did one cannibal say to the other after eating a clown?
"We're gonna get in big trouble for this!"
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I'm on a seafood diet. It is going to be really tough for me, I lost a bet to a friend and the problem is I am a vegetarian.
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There are only 2 types of people in this world. Those that invert the y-axis and those that don't.
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What did one ant say to the other ant?
Nothing. Ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
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What ended after 1987?
1988.
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Knock, knock. I wonder who is at the door. I hope they know a good joke since levity is important in this cruel life. You have to smile sometimes.
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How do you wake up Lady Gaga?
You set her alarm clock for a reasonable hour of the morning.
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What's the difference between bubble wrap and a carrot?
No one eats carrots.
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Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was most likely to eat some seeds or lay an egg. Chickens are pretty boring animals and don't tend to do much else.
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What happens when you pass your drivers test?
You don't fail it.
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Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
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What did one stranger say to the other?
Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
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Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream?
He was lactose intolerant.
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Why did Katie break open her piggy bank?
She ran out of money.
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Do you know why I look like I can’t hear you?
Because I can’t, my headphones are on.
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What’s one thing you can do over and over again and not remember a single thing?
Drink alcohol.
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What did he give her on Valentine’s Day?
Something red and lots of lies.
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How tall is the Empire State Building?
One Empire State Building tall.
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What would Santa Claus be called if he had no hands?
Probably still Santa Claus. However, he doesn’t exist, so it doesn’t really matter.
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What’s black and white and eats like a horse?
A zebra.
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How long does it take you to count to 100?
Nevermind, I don’t care.
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Take your age and add five to it. That’s your age in five years.
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When will the astronaut who floated away from the spaceship come back? Never. He'll float forever.
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What came first, the chicken or the egg?
Dinosaurs.
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Why is there no aspirin in the rainforest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to sell pharmaceuticals in a vastly unpopulated rainforest.
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What did Batman say to Robin before he got into the Batmobile?
“Robin, get in the Batmobile!”
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What did the pirate do before he buried his treasure?
Dug a hole.
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What are green, blue, red, yellow, and pink?
Colors.
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Yo mama's so fat… She should be concerned because diabetes is a serious health issue.
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Why does Micheal J. Fox make the best milkshakes?
Because he uses the finest ingredients.
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What did one lawyer say to the other lawyer?
"We're both lawyers!"
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What's white and annoying at breakfast?
An avalanche.
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What do a duck and a bicycle have in common?
They both have handlebars… Except for the duck.
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What is the best part about Switzerland?
Personally I love the beautiful mountains and scenery.
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What is a birds favourite social media to use?
None of them, birds don't use electronics.
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Why did the girl drop her ice cream cone?
She tripped over a pothole.
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