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Hey Pandas, AITA For Not Staying With My Husband To Watch The Kids Due To Husband’s Ex-Wife’s Sudden Changes?
I (F35) have been married to my husband (M39) for four years. He has two lovely children from his previous marriage, and I’ve developed a strong bond with them over time.
However, his ex-wife has become quite a challenge. She tends to be disorganized and often makes impromptu requests, expecting us to adjust our plans without much notice. Despite this, I’ve always tried to be understanding and accommodating for the sake of the kids.
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Recently, we had planned a romantic weekend getaway with my husband that I had organized months in advance
Image credits: Alev Takil (not the actual photo)
I made sure to inform everyone, including my husband’s ex-wife, about the dates well ahead of time. She acknowledged it but didn’t confirm anything until a week before the trip.
His ex-wife suddenly announced that she needed my husband to take care of their children on the days we were supposed to be away because she had to work those days
Image credits: 2H Media (not the actual photo)
I was taken aback and frustrated because I had explicitly mentioned these dates as unavailable to her previously. My husband, being torn between his responsibility as a parent and our trip, decided to cancel it to accommodate her request. This not only disrupted our plans but also left me feeling disregarded.
I had a conversation with my husband, expressing my disappointment and explaining that I felt my efforts to plan and communicate were being undermined
Image credits: Alex Green (not the actual photo)
I firmly stated that I wouldn’t change our plans and I would be going on that trip with or without him. My husband was upset with my decision and for not being more flexible and understanding. He argued that it was for the sake of the kids and that we could plan the trip to go to next time, but I feel it’s unfair to constantly disrupt our plans because of her last-minute changes even if it is work-related. I guess I would be more forgiving if I didn’t see the pattern.
Therefore, I decided that this time I have to stand my ground to emphasize the importance of respecting each other’s schedules and commitments. I believe it’s time for his ex-wife to take responsibility and find suitable alternatives when she overlooks the dates I’ve already mentioned as unavailable.
So, am I being unreasonable for refusing to cancel the trip at the last minute to accommodate my husband’s ex-wife’s requests?
Edit: she works as a photographer and she can decide whether to take the job or not. I get that it is her livelihood, but that is why we plan ahead of time.
Moderator’s note:
Please note that the images included in this article are for illustrative purposes only and do not represent the actual individuals or items discussed in the story.
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MaryHadaLittleLamb 1 year ago
NTA. She knew ahead of time, and this makes me wonder if she does it on purpose. My husband's ex used to do the same thing. We went along with it for years, but the moment he said no, all heck broke loose. She started lying about us to people, and to his daughter, and made our life miserable for years. Tread carefully here, I don't want you to go through something like that. I wish I had better advice to give you, but it's a delicate situation. Good luck!
Not-a-Clue (she/her) 1 year ago
I work supporting people who are or have been in abusive relationships and making last minute changes to childcare arrangements is one way ex partners try to maintain some power & control. We can't know if that's the case here, but it's very common.
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Brainmas 1 year ago (edited)
Ex-wife is inconsiderate and so is the husband for dropping his plans with you to accommodate her. Unless it was an actual emergency like surgery or death, the appropriate response would be, we already told you we were going out if town so you will have to figure it out for yourself. I assume the children have grandparents, maybe aunts or uncles, mom probably has friends. If she really needs to do whatever she's doing, she can find a babysitter. It sounds like she's doing this on purpose to disrupt your weekend away.
Giraffy Window 1 year ago (edited)
She does it on purpose. She's jealous of you and her ex husband making plans, and maliciously chooses not to put any effort toward anything that would "help" make those plans work. Op recognizes the pattern, but isn't quite ready to see the puzzle blown up. She's Op's husband's ex for a reason; I bet there was a lot of sneaky sabotage when she didn't get her way then, too.
MaryHadaLittleLamb 1 year ago
NTA. She knew ahead of time, and this makes me wonder if she does it on purpose. My husband's ex used to do the same thing. We went along with it for years, but the moment he said no, all heck broke loose. She started lying about us to people, and to his daughter, and made our life miserable for years. Tread carefully here, I don't want you to go through something like that. I wish I had better advice to give you, but it's a delicate situation. Good luck!
Not-a-Clue (she/her) 1 year ago
I work supporting people who are or have been in abusive relationships and making last minute changes to childcare arrangements is one way ex partners try to maintain some power & control. We can't know if that's the case here, but it's very common.
Load More Replies... Brainmas 1 year ago (edited)
Ex-wife is inconsiderate and so is the husband for dropping his plans with you to accommodate her. Unless it was an actual emergency like surgery or death, the appropriate response would be, we already told you we were going out if town so you will have to figure it out for yourself. I assume the children have grandparents, maybe aunts or uncles, mom probably has friends. If she really needs to do whatever she's doing, she can find a babysitter. It sounds like she's doing this on purpose to disrupt your weekend away.
Giraffy Window 1 year ago (edited)
She does it on purpose. She's jealous of you and her ex husband making plans, and maliciously chooses not to put any effort toward anything that would "help" make those plans work. Op recognizes the pattern, but isn't quite ready to see the puzzle blown up. She's Op's husband's ex for a reason; I bet there was a lot of sneaky sabotage when she didn't get her way then, too.
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