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Hey Pandas, AITA For Pushing Away My Husband After Finding An Inappropriate Game He Was Playing?
Moderator’s note:
If you find yourself disagreeing with this person’s actions, we encourage you not to downvote the post. Instead, kindly express your opinions in the comments. We recommend maintaining politeness and articulating your thoughts with well-constructed arguments.
Throwaway for obvious reasons.
I’m asking this question on BP instead of Reddit because I find the comments here don’t automatically go to “divorce him!” and I need advice, not judgment.
My husband and I (early 50s hetero couple) both enjoy adult entertainment. I’m not looking for judgment on that in general, so if you want to comment on that please go elsewhere. Where my problem lies is in the kind of adult videos I found my husband using.
A little background:
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My husband and I watch a show that is only available to stream online and he often watches ahead at night. I wanted to catch up today so I opened his computer
Image credits: Phillip Goldsberry (not the actual photo)
Which he has always said is fine to do (and it’s the device we use to stream the show). When I opened the browser there were so many tabs open I decided it was faster to just use the pull-down menu of tabs to find the show. But when I did, there were two recently closed tabs at the bottom (not deleted), both to a site that included the words intercourse and university.
I will admit I snooped and went to the site and what I found really upset me
Image credits: Resume Genius (not the actual photo)
It’s an animated first-player game where frat guys try to get laid by “barely 21” girls in various ways and can achieve different levels. Again, I’m OK with adult entertainment but there are two things that really bothered me about this game.
1. The girls in this game are “just” 21 (in university, hence the game title) and
2. Two of the levels are “Daddy” (getting a barely legal girl pregnant) and “Breeder” (getting multiple girls pregnant).
For context, our daughter is 22.
I took a screenshot and sent it to my husband explaining exactly how I’d come across it and that we needed to talk. His text response was “Sure.”
I lost it and we ended up talking on the phone for an hour (he’s at work and I’m at home). I tried to explain how wrong I found this and how I felt about him playing a game where he tries to have intercourse and impregnate girls younger than our daughter.
His responses came down to “It’s no big deal, it’s just a game, I’m sorry it upset you, I won’t play it anymore”
Image credits: Alex Green (not the actual photo)
When I asked how he was OK with the barely legal aspect of it he said all the disclaimers said people were over 21 and he wasn’t the one who wrote the game, he was just using it so it wasn’t like the ideas were his. Then he said that it was a game like Doom where just because you shoot a bunch of people doesn’t mean you’d do it in real life. Then he said he wasn’t using it to pleasure himself, it was just for fun. I called b******t on that but he insisted it was just for fun.
When I pointed out the incest language (“Daddy”) he claimed he wasn’t aware of it (it’s on the g*ddamn “achievements” page) and that of course that was offensive and that wasn’t something he’d ever be interested in.
I don’t even know what to do with this. He swears the age of the characters mean nothing because the avatar he uses is 21 and so are the girls, so that’s OK. He doesn’t seem to understand why I’m so upset.
He’s at work and I’ve asked him to either crash at a friend’s pad or I’ll go elsewhere tonight because I don’t think I can be around him. I’m actually sick to my stomach thinking about this. When I asked him to do that he told me no way I was throwing him out of our family home. But I’m not throwing him out, I just want a little time to process this, and if that means staying on my Dad’s couch for a few days I’m fine with that.
I’m so upset I don’t know what to do. Does the fact that it’s an animated game make it OK? Or that the characters are over 21? Am I overreacting? We can’t afford therapy and I can’t talk about this with anyone else. Help, please.
Moderator’s note:
Please note that the images included in this article are for illustrative purposes only and do not represent the actual individuals or items discussed in the story.
If you have a comparable experience or story you’d like to tell, we welcome your submissions. Click here to share your story with Bored Panda.
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Eppe 3 months ago
(1/2) This is gonna be downvoted into oblivion, and I'll probably deactivate my account again after this, but I'm going to give another perspective. Jung said we all have a shadow side, and that the more we try to suppress it, the darker and denser it gets. We shouldn't indulge in it either for obvious reasons. So where does that leave us? A world without violent video games, movies and tv shows would be a much nicer place, but violence is a part of us. If we can keep contact with it through such media and don't indulge in it ourselves, well, that's the best we can hope for I think. Same with sex. Middle aged men can still find 21 year old girls hot. It's not an easy truth, but is it really a surprise...? So what do we do with that uncomfortable fact? Repressing it or fully indulging in it are not good solutions in my opinion. Look at the catholic church for the effect of supressing sexuality, and the porn industry for full indulgence. Both very harmfull.
Eppe 3 months ago
(2/2) As for your husband. 1/ He plays a game where no actual girls are involved. 2/ The virtual girls are 21, not underage. 3/ He didn't try to hide his activity at all cost. All these three factors could be a lot worse... You could wish for a man without a shadow side, but I believe no-one like that exists, man or woman. Depth of the shadow may vary of course. If he's otherwise a good man, talking about this with as much mutual respect and understanding is the best way forward I think. It may help to examine your own shadow side to feel more understanding and connection. Your own shadow side is likely in another area. Facing shadows is not easy, in yourself or in another. Good luck.
Load More Replies...
Donkey boi 3 months ago
Why'd I have a sudden flash back to to 'Leisure Suit Larry'!?! I think you are hugely overreacting, and I'm gonna assume that you're not gamer. Pretty much the first thing I do in most games is jump of a cliff, followed by trying to kill birds and children, just to see if it can be done. That doesn't mean that I'd ever do any of those things! In pretty much every game, the idea is to do things that you can't do IRL. In GTA, players pick up people in a cab, then drive it off a bridge. Your issue with the "Daddy" word! That's not how I look at the word based on what you've said; If a man get someone pregnant then he's going to be a daddy. The baby's daddy! It was your mind went to incest first! As for "Barely legal", the legal age of consent where I live is 16, to be photo'd/filmed is 18. So 21 isn't "barely" anything. Your daughter is older than a lot of porn stars! The fact that your man offered to stop playing just because it upset you, tells me he's probably a good man.
LakotaWolf (she/her) 3 months ago (edited)
Donkey, remembering the LSL game gave me a good laugh XD I remember that I played the first Leisure Suit Larry game when I was probably around 7 or 8. I asked my dad to answer all the age "test" questions at the beginning so I could play it on the "raunchiest" setting. He did so without hesitation. He knew what the game was about. He also knew me well enough to know I wasn't going to go crazy just by playing it. I didn't know what a lot of the references meant at the time ("Spanish Fly"?) but a game is JUST a game. I also killed a lot of people by running them over and boned a lot of hookers in the GTA series in my teens. I've never done either IRL XD
Load More Replies...
Ace 3 months ago
I'm with the husband on this. It's just a game, not even depicting anything illegal (like robbing and killing people, which seems to be perfectly acceptable in things like GTA). I cannot imagine anyone 'pleasuring themselves' to such a flirting game, unless it were showing adult content as part of it, and I'm sure she'd have said if it were. Extrapolating that he's a paedophile and/or into incest is just ridiculous.
Potato patato 3 months ago
There is definitely pornographic content in that game lmao
Load More Replies...
Eppe 3 months ago
(1/2) This is gonna be downvoted into oblivion, and I'll probably deactivate my account again after this, but I'm going to give another perspective. Jung said we all have a shadow side, and that the more we try to suppress it, the darker and denser it gets. We shouldn't indulge in it either for obvious reasons. So where does that leave us? A world without violent video games, movies and tv shows would be a much nicer place, but violence is a part of us. If we can keep contact with it through such media and don't indulge in it ourselves, well, that's the best we can hope for I think. Same with sex. Middle aged men can still find 21 year old girls hot. It's not an easy truth, but is it really a surprise...? So what do we do with that uncomfortable fact? Repressing it or fully indulging in it are not good solutions in my opinion. Look at the catholic church for the effect of supressing sexuality, and the porn industry for full indulgence. Both very harmfull.
Eppe 3 months ago
(2/2) As for your husband. 1/ He plays a game where no actual girls are involved. 2/ The virtual girls are 21, not underage. 3/ He didn't try to hide his activity at all cost. All these three factors could be a lot worse... You could wish for a man without a shadow side, but I believe no-one like that exists, man or woman. Depth of the shadow may vary of course. If he's otherwise a good man, talking about this with as much mutual respect and understanding is the best way forward I think. It may help to examine your own shadow side to feel more understanding and connection. Your own shadow side is likely in another area. Facing shadows is not easy, in yourself or in another. Good luck.
Load More Replies... Donkey boi 3 months ago
Why'd I have a sudden flash back to to 'Leisure Suit Larry'!?! I think you are hugely overreacting, and I'm gonna assume that you're not gamer. Pretty much the first thing I do in most games is jump of a cliff, followed by trying to kill birds and children, just to see if it can be done. That doesn't mean that I'd ever do any of those things! In pretty much every game, the idea is to do things that you can't do IRL. In GTA, players pick up people in a cab, then drive it off a bridge. Your issue with the "Daddy" word! That's not how I look at the word based on what you've said; If a man get someone pregnant then he's going to be a daddy. The baby's daddy! It was your mind went to incest first! As for "Barely legal", the legal age of consent where I live is 16, to be photo'd/filmed is 18. So 21 isn't "barely" anything. Your daughter is older than a lot of porn stars! The fact that your man offered to stop playing just because it upset you, tells me he's probably a good man.
LakotaWolf (she/her) 3 months ago (edited)
Donkey, remembering the LSL game gave me a good laugh XD I remember that I played the first Leisure Suit Larry game when I was probably around 7 or 8. I asked my dad to answer all the age "test" questions at the beginning so I could play it on the "raunchiest" setting. He did so without hesitation. He knew what the game was about. He also knew me well enough to know I wasn't going to go crazy just by playing it. I didn't know what a lot of the references meant at the time ("Spanish Fly"?) but a game is JUST a game. I also killed a lot of people by running them over and boned a lot of hookers in the GTA series in my teens. I've never done either IRL XD
Load More Replies... Ace 3 months ago
I'm with the husband on this. It's just a game, not even depicting anything illegal (like robbing and killing people, which seems to be perfectly acceptable in things like GTA). I cannot imagine anyone 'pleasuring themselves' to such a flirting game, unless it were showing adult content as part of it, and I'm sure she'd have said if it were. Extrapolating that he's a paedophile and/or into incest is just ridiculous.
Potato patato 3 months ago
There is definitely pornographic content in that game lmao
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