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Hey Pandas, AITA For Demanding My Boyfriend Take Responsibility For His Actions?
Moderator’s note:
If you find yourself disagreeing with this person’s actions, we encourage you not to downvote the post. Instead, kindly express your opinions in the comments. We recommend maintaining politeness and articulating your thoughts with well-constructed arguments.
I (F 39) met Andrew online about five months ago. I laughed at his posts, and we quickly became friends. We flirted a little and started a relationship. It was great at first until a few weeks in when he started to question why I had hearted my male friend’s post, or why I had commented this to my female friend.
To make him feel more secure after he told me how badly his ex had cheated on him, I included him in all my groups I belonged to, hoping he would get to know and love my friends.
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I later found out the reason he was acting this way. He’d dumped the woman he’d been texting and exchanging pics with online to be with me
Image credits: Nick Morrison (not the actual photo)
She started threatening me and the life of her live-in partner if I didn’t break up with him.
We had already decided to move in together. I thought once we were properly together, things would get better, but the closer we came to the move-in date, the worse he got. He blocked loads of my friends and wanted me to do the same because they were all “trying it on with me.” He included several of his own friends in this, including his best friend Christine.
I told him I couldn’t move in with him because I wouldn’t be controlled. He went crazy and threatened to k*** himself (he didn’t; it was another manipulation technique).
Two days later, we started talking and we reconciled. He admitted he’d been obsessive and crazy, and he would change
Image credits: Melvin (not the actual photo)
He then lectured me on the power of freedom and choosing our own friends, to which I almost laughed.
It turns out he’d unblocked his online fling and had started up with her while we were apart. He got back with me so that he could dump me and look good to his friends. He’s been bad-mouthing me ever since. I’ve had people block me, yell at me—it’s insane. Now he and the woman just post awful things about me that are completely untrue.
His friends have said he blames my being an alcoholic on all our problems (I’ve been sober almost a year; he’s never known me any other way)
Image credits: Jeremy Bishop (not the actual photo)
Now he keeps getting her to get my Facebook accounts deleted through sheer maliciousness, when I’ve had no contact with him since the breakup, except when I asked a mutual friend to ask him if he could please send on my parcel I’d had sent to his address, and I’d reimburse him.
He returned my parcel.
But he’s now treating me the way he treated his other online girlfriend, and I’ve since come to realize he’s toxic. I truly believe he’s the problem.
AITA in this situation? Because I really don’t know anymore.
Moderator’s note:
Please note that the images included in this article are for illustrative purposes only and do not represent the actual individuals or events discussed in the story.
If you have a comparable experience or story you’d like to tell, we welcome your submissions. Click here to share your story with Bored Panda.
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What do you think ?
meeeeeeeeeeee 1 week ago
you don't need to ever be in contact with an ex you've known for 5 months, block them both and move on
Shannon Donnelly 1 week ago
Block them ALLLLLLL!!! Holy c**p, they're all completely unhinged!!
Load More Replies...
Ciaran McK 1 week ago
Someone actually voted that they should have tried harder to stay together 😧. Jesus wept
Libstak 1 week ago
He called his ex toxic, then he did exactly all he claimed she was doing to you. He is very mentally unwell and manipulative enough that he had her acting maliciously to you and attempted to isolate you from friends, potentially with the further idea he could have you behaving maliciously to them and his ex. You see the common denominator in all the negative behaviour is him, he is truly toxic and very sick, get the heck away from him and respond to no one even if the attacks are malicious, it's all him, he is the puppet master. Block everyone poisoned by him and his manipulative lies and don't look back.
Estelle E. 1 week ago
He will not change. Ever. Don't live together. You need to break up with him and take all measures for you to be safe doing it. Please, please, protect yourself.
Apatheist Account2 1 week ago
He sounds very immature, if what OP says is true about getting back so he could dump them.
El Dee 1 week ago
The fact that OP doesn't even know if she's in the right is evidence of his gaslighting and manipulation. It seems all too obvious to everyone else. NB this is no criticism of her, I've been there and allowed it to go on for FAR longer and the effects (stalking and harassment) went on for years. If anyone EVER finds themselves in this situation then please end it the first time it happens. Past trauma doesn't mean they get to abuse you..
Mark Childers 1 week ago
I learned today that Jason Kelse doesn't take care of his own kids. Now this. Do women really have to deal with all of this BS simply to have a chance at a family? It really seems too much. It's really sad.
Susie Main 1 week ago
He sounds dangerously mentally ill. I'd get the police involved as he's libelling you on social media which I think is a crime in most countries, and also (in the UK this would be a crime, not sure about other countries) "putting you in a state of fear and alarm". Don't ever be tempted to reply; connect or mention him or any of his friends/women/family - simply go no contact and if the girlfriend interferes with your FB accounts either involve FB moderators or ask yourself if being stalked and attacked is worth using Facebook?
MoMcB 1 week ago
I agree. I joked it sounded like my ex, but I had nonsense like this, which grew into threats to hurt me. I called the police, who were great, they went and warned him that he was one step from prison.
Load More Replies...
JB 1 week ago (edited)
It’s pretty easy to just tell you dodged a controlling, manipulative, train wreck of a relationship and expect it to help but I have a lot of experience dealing with the aftermath of exiting an abusive marriage. You’re probably questioning what you did to attract him in the first place. How your actions contributed to the way he treated you. If there’s any truth to his and his GF’s accusations. I’m here to tell you he was attracted to you because you’re attractive. That’s it! EVERYTHING else is on them. What I’d like you to do is block him and his GF on FB, spend some time locking down all your SM accounts so only your friends have access; it’s not too hard. Ask your group moderators to boot him out of your groups citing harassment. If they refuse, remove yourself. Any “friend” they use to get to you is not a friend, remove and block them if that happens. If you haven’t already, block his number on your phone. You can’t control what they write but you don’t have to see or internalize it. Try not to care what his friends think, after all, they are friends with him, which says a lot about who they are. You may lose some of your own friends but if they’re willing to take the words of someone mentally unstable over their knowledge of who you are, they aren’t friends. See, he and his GF are mentally ill; it isn’t ok to threaten homicide nor suicide as leverage to control a relationship. Be gentle with yourself. You made a mistake in trusting someone who turned out to be unworthy. We all make mistakes. You know this because you’re about a year sober. The woman who has fought and continues to fight addiction is incredibly strong; this is who you are and don’t let anyone tell you different.
Je souhaite 6 days ago
Well at least the OP came to their senses and ended things early instead of trying to make it work, get married have kids and then decide to leave ten years later. More people should walk away early plenty of fish in the sea no need to fret
Nagatha 1 week ago
You didn't mention that you ever met him before deciding to move in together. This might be an unpopular opinion, but don't go online to find love. Find places to meet people in real life. You may not know the people you meet face to face at church or a book club, but at least you can see how they interact in social situations. You have no idea who you are actually talking to if you are online.
Joey Jo Jo Shabadoo 1 week ago
Stay off social media, get new friends, and send your packages to the post office for pick up.
meeeeeeeeeeee 1 week ago
you don't need to ever be in contact with an ex you've known for 5 months, block them both and move on
Shannon Donnelly 1 week ago
Block them ALLLLLLL!!! Holy c**p, they're all completely unhinged!!
Load More Replies... Ciaran McK 1 week ago
Someone actually voted that they should have tried harder to stay together 😧. Jesus wept
Libstak 1 week ago
He called his ex toxic, then he did exactly all he claimed she was doing to you. He is very mentally unwell and manipulative enough that he had her acting maliciously to you and attempted to isolate you from friends, potentially with the further idea he could have you behaving maliciously to them and his ex. You see the common denominator in all the negative behaviour is him, he is truly toxic and very sick, get the heck away from him and respond to no one even if the attacks are malicious, it's all him, he is the puppet master. Block everyone poisoned by him and his manipulative lies and don't look back.
Estelle E. 1 week ago
He will not change. Ever. Don't live together. You need to break up with him and take all measures for you to be safe doing it. Please, please, protect yourself.
Apatheist Account2 1 week ago
He sounds very immature, if what OP says is true about getting back so he could dump them.
El Dee 1 week ago
The fact that OP doesn't even know if she's in the right is evidence of his gaslighting and manipulation. It seems all too obvious to everyone else. NB this is no criticism of her, I've been there and allowed it to go on for FAR longer and the effects (stalking and harassment) went on for years. If anyone EVER finds themselves in this situation then please end it the first time it happens. Past trauma doesn't mean they get to abuse you..
Mark Childers 1 week ago
I learned today that Jason Kelse doesn't take care of his own kids. Now this. Do women really have to deal with all of this BS simply to have a chance at a family? It really seems too much. It's really sad.
Susie Main 1 week ago
He sounds dangerously mentally ill. I'd get the police involved as he's libelling you on social media which I think is a crime in most countries, and also (in the UK this would be a crime, not sure about other countries) "putting you in a state of fear and alarm". Don't ever be tempted to reply; connect or mention him or any of his friends/women/family - simply go no contact and if the girlfriend interferes with your FB accounts either involve FB moderators or ask yourself if being stalked and attacked is worth using Facebook?
MoMcB 1 week ago
I agree. I joked it sounded like my ex, but I had nonsense like this, which grew into threats to hurt me. I called the police, who were great, they went and warned him that he was one step from prison.
Load More Replies... JB 1 week ago (edited)
It’s pretty easy to just tell you dodged a controlling, manipulative, train wreck of a relationship and expect it to help but I have a lot of experience dealing with the aftermath of exiting an abusive marriage. You’re probably questioning what you did to attract him in the first place. How your actions contributed to the way he treated you. If there’s any truth to his and his GF’s accusations. I’m here to tell you he was attracted to you because you’re attractive. That’s it! EVERYTHING else is on them. What I’d like you to do is block him and his GF on FB, spend some time locking down all your SM accounts so only your friends have access; it’s not too hard. Ask your group moderators to boot him out of your groups citing harassment. If they refuse, remove yourself. Any “friend” they use to get to you is not a friend, remove and block them if that happens. If you haven’t already, block his number on your phone. You can’t control what they write but you don’t have to see or internalize it. Try not to care what his friends think, after all, they are friends with him, which says a lot about who they are. You may lose some of your own friends but if they’re willing to take the words of someone mentally unstable over their knowledge of who you are, they aren’t friends. See, he and his GF are mentally ill; it isn’t ok to threaten homicide nor suicide as leverage to control a relationship. Be gentle with yourself. You made a mistake in trusting someone who turned out to be unworthy. We all make mistakes. You know this because you’re about a year sober. The woman who has fought and continues to fight addiction is incredibly strong; this is who you are and don’t let anyone tell you different.
Je souhaite 6 days ago
Well at least the OP came to their senses and ended things early instead of trying to make it work, get married have kids and then decide to leave ten years later. More people should walk away early plenty of fish in the sea no need to fret
Nagatha 1 week ago
You didn't mention that you ever met him before deciding to move in together. This might be an unpopular opinion, but don't go online to find love. Find places to meet people in real life. You may not know the people you meet face to face at church or a book club, but at least you can see how they interact in social situations. You have no idea who you are actually talking to if you are online.
Joey Jo Jo Shabadoo 1 week ago
Stay off social media, get new friends, and send your packages to the post office for pick up.
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