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Hey Pandas, AITA For Prioritizing Plans With My Colleague And Her Fiancé Without Knowing Their Connection To My Fiancé’s Ex?
Moderator’s note:
If you find yourself disagreeing with this person’s actions, we encourage you not to downvote the post. Instead, kindly express your opinions in the comments. We recommend maintaining politeness and articulating your thoughts with well-constructed arguments.
I (28F) recently got into a huge argument with my fiancé, John (36M), over what I thought was an innocent plan to hang out with my colleague Andrea and her fiancé Andrew. Here’s the context:
A few days ago, after more than half a day drive home from our holiday, John and I went out for drinks with Andrea and her fiancé (who flew in from another country), and a few other friends. Andrea and I have become good friends through work, but we don’t get to see each other often since she works remotely and moved abroad two years ago.
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During the drinks, I suggested that while she’s here, we should meet up for drinks more or something fun
Image credits: Joyce Romero (not the actual photo)
Naturally, I included her fiancé, Andrew, in the invitation—he’s her partner, after all. For context, this was my first time meeting Andrew since they moved shortly after I joined the company.
John is not a big fan of plans outside his comfort zone (we jokingly call it his “bubble”), so I light-heartedly told him, “If you don’t want to join, that’s okay. I’ll still go with them.” This wasn’t meant maliciously—it’s a dynamic we’ve always joked about.
John got really quiet, but I assumed he was tired from the drive
Image credits: A. L. (not the actual photo)
Later, when he said he wanted to go home, I told him I understood but would stay a bit longer and let a friend (not Andrea or Andrew) drop me off. John got irritable, saying he didn’t want me staying with “this crowd.” He refused to explain, so I brushed it off. (the rest of of our friends who joined us for drinks are very close friends to both John and I who we hang out with on a regular basis, so I found this comment quite strange, hence why I brushed it off).
On the drive home, things exploded. John angrily revealed that Andrew used to sleep with his ex several years ago, and when John confronted him back then, Andrew denied it despite there being evidence and witnesses. This history made John feel uncomfortable, especially with me joking about going out even if he didn’t join.
We had a massive fight in the car. John accused me of prioritising plans with “Andrew” (even though I’d focused on Andrea when inviting them)
Image credits: Eric Ward (not the actual photo)
He insisted and I said I’d go out “with him” no matter what. I was completely blindsided—I had no idea about their history and was just trying to spend time with Andrea. To me, Andrew was there by proxy as her fiancé.
I feel like I didn’t do anything wrong. How was I supposed to know about this history? And even if I had known, I don’t think it’s fair to expect me to cancel plans entirely or exclude Andrea just because of John’s unresolved issues with Andrew.
John and I have talked it out since, but I still feel hurt and confused as he still thought the fight was mainly my fault because of my ‘actions’. AITA here?
Expert’s Advice
1. Start by validating his feelings.
John’s reaction isn’t just about the present—it’s tied to unresolved emotions from his past. It’s really important for OP to let him know his feelings are valid. A simple, ‘I didn’t realize this would bring up something tough for you, and I’m sorry,’ can go a long way toward defusing tension.
2. Be clear about what you meant.
A lot of misunderstandings happen when intentions aren’t explained. OP should take the time to say, ‘I just wanted to spend time with Andrea. Andrew was part of the mix because they’re engaged, but my focus was on her.’ Reassuring John that there was no prioritizing of Andrew can help rebuild trust.
3. Work together to set boundaries.
Boundaries are key in situations like this. OP and John could talk about what feels comfortable for both of them. Maybe that’s meeting Andrea without Andrew involved or having John present when Andrew is around. The goal is to make sure John feels safe and respected.
4. Dig into the deeper issue.
John’s anger isn’t just about this hangout—it’s about unresolved resentment with Andrew. It might help to gently encourage him to process that, whether it’s through a conversation with someone he trusts or even therapy. It’s not about forcing anything but giving him the tools to work through those old feelings.
5. Focus on strengthening your connection.
Moments like this can actually be an opportunity to grow closer. OP can emphasize her commitment to John by spending time doing things they both enjoy or reassuring him that his feelings matter. It’s about turning this conflict into a chance to build a stronger partnership.
Moderator’s note:
Please note that the images included in this article are for illustrative purposes only and do not represent the actual individuals or events discussed in the story.
If you have a comparable experience or story you’d like to tell, we welcome your submissions. Click here to share your story with Bored Panda.
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What do you think ?
LakotaWolf (she/her) 1 hour ago
You're definitely not TA for not knowing the history, since you literally *couldn't* have known it if John has never brought up Andrew before now. My only advice would be to perhaps... maybe be a little more sensitive to John's discomfort with activities outside of his "bubble"? I know you said it's a dynamic that you "both" joke about, but if he's seriously uncomfortable in certain situations (Andrew's presence notwithstanding) - he may not be joking about it as much as you think he is. I'd personally have recommended going home with him when he initially expressed a desire to leave, unless you staying behind after John left alone was something you both agreed to beforehand.
LakotaWolf (she/her) 1 hour ago
You're definitely not TA for not knowing the history, since you literally *couldn't* have known it if John has never brought up Andrew before now. My only advice would be to perhaps... maybe be a little more sensitive to John's discomfort with activities outside of his "bubble"? I know you said it's a dynamic that you "both" joke about, but if he's seriously uncomfortable in certain situations (Andrew's presence notwithstanding) - he may not be joking about it as much as you think he is. I'd personally have recommended going home with him when he initially expressed a desire to leave, unless you staying behind after John left alone was something you both agreed to beforehand.
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