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Hey Pandas, AITA For Expecting My Family To Help More When Our House Is In Chaos?
Moderator’s note:
If you find yourself disagreeing with this person’s actions, we encourage you not to downvote the post. Instead, kindly express your opinions in the comments. We recommend maintaining politeness and articulating your thoughts with well-constructed arguments.
Hello, I need your advice. I (F42) have been married to my husband (M42) for 19 years, and we have a 16-year-old daughter. We met 20 years ago and got married quickly, so we’ve been through a lot. Currently, my husband owns a company where I also work, about 30 hours a week, in accounting.
At the moment, the company is struggling, and we’re facing existential fears. We might be threatened with financial ruin, which could mean losing our house and being in debt for the rest of our lives. The house is only two years old, so it’s far from being paid off, and it currently has water damage. The ground floor is unusable— the tiles and furniture are ruined. We’ve been without a kitchen or living room for two months, and it will take at least another month to fix everything.
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I cook in the garden on a camping stove, using a small fridge, but now it’s October, and with the rain and storms, cooking has become very difficult
Image credits: Kampbros (not the actual photo)
I can only wash dishes with cold water. We also have a large dog and a cat. The cat, who is normally an outdoor cat, is struggling with the situation. She avoids the ground floor because of the work being done and stays upstairs, but she needs a lot of attention and is acting out due to stress. This is our situation so far.
My daughter usually comes home from school at 2 PM, I get home at 3 PM, and my husband comes home around 7 PM during the week. Of course, I handle all the housework—taking care of the dog, grocery shopping, cleaning, cooking, laundry—but since the company is doing poorly, I also do a lot of work from home when I’m not in the office.
Long story short—I can’t manage it all
Image credits: Kinga Howard (not the actual photo)
It’s just become too much, and my family doesn’t help me at all with the household tasks. By “no help,” I mean they don’t even put away their coffee cups or wash them in the garden. They leave everything for me to do, and that’s only part of it. My husband leaves his clothes wherever he takes them off in the evening. After showering, he leaves the towel on the floor. Every weekend, he invites a friend over and expects me to cook and clean up afterward. This friend lives on welfare—he’s a nice guy, but it’s clear he comes here every weekend for the free food, and his apartment is a mess.
Before all of this, I was an artist. I used to write stories, and I’m actually very good at painting. That was my life. I haven’t painted in two years, and I haven’t written anything in even longer.
I feel like my life is moving on without me, and everything I once was is lost.
I wish my family would help more, but I know my husband is struggling and carrying the heavy burden of the company. He wants to come home and relax, which I understand. My daughter is now in upper school and has a lot to study. She could help more, but she’s a teenager, and I don’t want to burden her too much. She does her own laundry and walks the dog after school, which is good.
I work all day under difficult conditions, and I don’t get any free time on the weekends
Image credits: SEO Galaxy (not the actual photo)
When I bring this up, they say, “Well, you can just leave—go meet up with friends!” But I don’t have many friends left. They disappeared during my marriage. I have one good friend, but she lives far away, especially since we moved into this house.
Besides, the work will still be there when I come back, and I’ll just have less time to do it.
I’ve told my husband that I feel disrespected when he leaves everything for me to deal with and that I think he’s not being considerate of my needs. He says I don’t take his needs seriously, that he works all day to save the company, and I should support him and give him some peace.
He had this behavior even when the company was doing well, but now he’s using the current situation as an excuse not to change anything. Am I overreacting?
Moderator’s note:
Please note that the images included in this article are for illustrative purposes only and do not represent the actual individuals or items discussed in the story.
If you have a comparable experience or story you’d like to tell, we welcome your submissions. Click here to share your story with Bored Panda.
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What do you think ?
lenka 2 months ago (edited)
You are not overreacting. Stop doing all the things. Tell (Don’t ask. Tell) husband that if he wants his clothes and towel washed he needs to put them in the laundry basket (At the very least! Honestly, I would not doing his laundry at all). And then follow through. Do not pick up his clothes and towel and do not wash them unless they are in the basket. Put all the fresh towels away somewhere so he only has his wet floor towel. Same with dishes. There are three of you. TELL them that you will only be washing dishes every third day. If they do not pick up the slack, wash your own plate and cup and put them away somewhere. Leave the rest exactly where they left it. Tell husband that you are taking him up on his offer and will now be going out to dinner with a friend every week the night his leeching friend comes over. Don’t cook for them. Don’t clean for them. Reignite your friendships, join an art class, take yourself to dinner or a movie or just sit in a coffee shop with a nice book.
monmichka77 2 months ago
Nope. NTA. Don't be a martyr, OP. If your husband was single with a flailing business, he'd still have to come home and cook for himself, do his own laundry, etc. Everyone in your household is capable of taking care of themselves, so let them. And use that influx of free time you now have, to take care of you. And as for that friend? I agree with Lenka. It's husband's friend. He can host him when he comes over. You can peace out somewhere and have a quiet evening alone. Good luck.
Ge Po 2 months ago
Do what your husband suggests. Take the evening off. Your house and whole life is in chaos right now. It effects everything and especially your mind. When you are caught in the middle of a storm, how others may judge you should be the least of your concerns, so please, try and look inside yourself whether that is one of the reasons you are feeling so stressed and pressured. I have great respect for how you have managed it so far, but people really can survive on a few weeks of sandwiches and microwave meals and the microwave can be plugged in anywhere, even upstairs. Safes on dishes as well and on that matter, I am all for saving the environment, but sometimes you may have to fold and buy some single-use items. And if dear fam. starts complaining, they can try and cook something more houte cuisine on a camping stove themselves. They also can wash their own clothes, if they are not willing to pitch in on the general laundry.
lenka 2 months ago (edited)
You are not overreacting. Stop doing all the things. Tell (Don’t ask. Tell) husband that if he wants his clothes and towel washed he needs to put them in the laundry basket (At the very least! Honestly, I would not doing his laundry at all). And then follow through. Do not pick up his clothes and towel and do not wash them unless they are in the basket. Put all the fresh towels away somewhere so he only has his wet floor towel. Same with dishes. There are three of you. TELL them that you will only be washing dishes every third day. If they do not pick up the slack, wash your own plate and cup and put them away somewhere. Leave the rest exactly where they left it. Tell husband that you are taking him up on his offer and will now be going out to dinner with a friend every week the night his leeching friend comes over. Don’t cook for them. Don’t clean for them. Reignite your friendships, join an art class, take yourself to dinner or a movie or just sit in a coffee shop with a nice book.
monmichka77 2 months ago
Nope. NTA. Don't be a martyr, OP. If your husband was single with a flailing business, he'd still have to come home and cook for himself, do his own laundry, etc. Everyone in your household is capable of taking care of themselves, so let them. And use that influx of free time you now have, to take care of you. And as for that friend? I agree with Lenka. It's husband's friend. He can host him when he comes over. You can peace out somewhere and have a quiet evening alone. Good luck.
Ge Po 2 months ago
Do what your husband suggests. Take the evening off. Your house and whole life is in chaos right now. It effects everything and especially your mind. When you are caught in the middle of a storm, how others may judge you should be the least of your concerns, so please, try and look inside yourself whether that is one of the reasons you are feeling so stressed and pressured. I have great respect for how you have managed it so far, but people really can survive on a few weeks of sandwiches and microwave meals and the microwave can be plugged in anywhere, even upstairs. Safes on dishes as well and on that matter, I am all for saving the environment, but sometimes you may have to fold and buy some single-use items. And if dear fam. starts complaining, they can try and cook something more houte cuisine on a camping stove themselves. They also can wash their own clothes, if they are not willing to pitch in on the general laundry.
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