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Hey Pandas, AITA For Declining My Long-Unseen Friend’s Offer To Meet Up?
Moderator’s note:
If you find yourself disagreeing with this person’s actions, we encourage you not to downvote the post. Instead, kindly express your opinions in the comments. We recommend maintaining politeness and articulating your thoughts with well-constructed arguments.
My friend, let’s call her Lisa, decided to throw a last-minute gathering at her place. She called me up just a couple of hours before it started and asked me to come. I hadn’t seen her for a long time, but I had already made plans to relax at home, so I wasn’t really up for going out.
While Lisa knows that I like to plan my evenings ahead, the fact that I hadn’t seen her for a long time did cross my mind. However, even with the added consideration of our time apart, I still felt the need to prioritize my well-being and the plans I had made to unwind.
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It had been a hectic week for me, and I was looking forward to a quiet evening at home
Image credits: Katie Mukhina (not the actual photo)
Although catching up with Lisa would have been nice, I believe it’s essential to balance social interactions with personal time.
I had already made other plans for the evening, even if they were as simple as staying in, watching a movie, and unwinding
Image credits: JESHOOTS.COM (not the actual photo)
I declined Lisa’s invitation, and she seemed disappointed, telling me I should have made an effort
Image credits: Adem AY (not the actual photo)
Am I the jerk for not attending her last-minute event, considering the circumstances and the time that had passed since I last saw her?
Moderator’s note:
Please note that the images included in this article are for illustrative purposes only and do not represent the actual individuals or items discussed in the story.
If you have a comparable experience or story you’d like to tell, we welcome your submissions. Click here to share your story with Bored Panda.
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What do you think ?
Deanna Crichley 9 months ago
I used to have a friend who would just drop in, despite my having told him repeatedly that unexpected company is uninvited company. His reasoning was that no matter your plans it's always better with company. No, Justin, eating Doritos in my underwear is NOT better with company.
BarkingSpider 9 months ago
How you spend your time is up to you. She can be disappointed all she wants, but if she really wanted to see you, she'd know to give you more notice. "Sorry, I already have plans. I wish I'd known sooner, but maybe we can plan something together soon." The end.
wowbagger 9 months ago
I've been there a million times. Someone else said this issue was dull and low-stakes, but for someone like me with social anxiety and poor boundaries, this is actually a really difficult issue. What I've been working on with my therapist is accepting that I have a right to decide my own boundaries, nobody has a right to my time (with obvious exceptions), and it's okay to say no. I don't need a justification. She also told me that good friends respect boundaries, don't guilt-trip, and have their own healthy boundaries. So they might say, "darn, I'm disappointed" and they might even decide to no longer invite me to things. As a friend, I respect that and accept it.
Sonya Kimbel (Post author) 9 months ago
Yeah, that's so true! I often worry about missing out if I skip a gathering or don't meet up with friends. Even when I decide to spend time alone, I sometimes get those annoying thoughts that I should be more social. But honestly, too much socializing doesn't always make me happy.
Load More Replies...
Jared Johnson 9 months ago
It's up to you to decide how to use your time. You don't owe an explanation as to why you won't attend. It's disappointing the poll responses are explain, apologize, feel guilty, or force yourself to go, when none of these are required. Thank your friend for the invitation, but say you won't make it to this one. If you're interested in catching up with the friend, suggest making plans another time.
jdtimid123 9 months ago
On the surface I'd say NTA Buuuut the "you could have made an effort" sentiment makes me think that this isn't a one time thing. Have there been other, less spontaneous plans that have been cancelled or declined recently? How often have you tried to make plans with this person? Yes, you are entitled to your alone time, and no one should feel obligated to attend a last minute event, but maintaining friendships takes effort, and if you're not putting any into the relationship eventually people will start feeling like they aren't important to you, and eventually you'll stop being invited at all.
Sonya Kimbel (Post author) 9 months ago
I agree with you. I never canceled our plans when we arranged to meet, but I admit we haven't seen each other in a long time. Neither of us really took the initiative. I agree it takes effort from both sides to keep a friendship going. Maybe I could've made time, but it always felt like I was too busy or not in the right mindset.
Load More Replies... Jane No Dough 9 months ago
This is the third post in the last 2 months that I have responded to when it was part of the community tab, only to have my response deleted when BP "moderator" re-wrote it.
Janelle Collard 9 months ago
So someone you haven't seen in a long time demands you show up to a last-minute thing? Yeah, NO!
Just stopping by 9 months ago
I mean if you're not really feeling it, it's not a bad thing to stick to your plans to just relax. However, if this happens more often than not be prepared to not receive more invitations down the line. If you're good with that then all is well.
Wysteria_Rose 9 months ago
I've had times I've had to cancel on friends I haven't seen in a while BECAUSE resting was crucial after a long week or bad work day. And they understand because they're my friends and know exactly where I'm coming from. Sometimes they may need to cancel, too, and I get it.
Sarah Ellison 9 months ago
It doesn't sound like you really would have gotten quality time with her anyway, since it was a gathering. I don't mind going to large gatherings, but if I want to catch up with someone I make an effort to do it one-on-one.
Ace 9 months ago
Yeah, should have made the effort. The older you get the more you notice the friends you no longer have.
- 9 months ago (edited)
I don't know their ages. If they were close to death, I'd say to make the effort, in case it's the last time they see each other. Otherwise, friends are allowed to have occasional time alone. In this case, I think the OP can suggest getting together another time. The friend can do the same.
Load More Replies... Deanna Crichley 9 months ago
I used to have a friend who would just drop in, despite my having told him repeatedly that unexpected company is uninvited company. His reasoning was that no matter your plans it's always better with company. No, Justin, eating Doritos in my underwear is NOT better with company.
BarkingSpider 9 months ago
How you spend your time is up to you. She can be disappointed all she wants, but if she really wanted to see you, she'd know to give you more notice. "Sorry, I already have plans. I wish I'd known sooner, but maybe we can plan something together soon." The end.
wowbagger 9 months ago
I've been there a million times. Someone else said this issue was dull and low-stakes, but for someone like me with social anxiety and poor boundaries, this is actually a really difficult issue. What I've been working on with my therapist is accepting that I have a right to decide my own boundaries, nobody has a right to my time (with obvious exceptions), and it's okay to say no. I don't need a justification. She also told me that good friends respect boundaries, don't guilt-trip, and have their own healthy boundaries. So they might say, "darn, I'm disappointed" and they might even decide to no longer invite me to things. As a friend, I respect that and accept it.
Sonya Kimbel (Post author) 9 months ago
Yeah, that's so true! I often worry about missing out if I skip a gathering or don't meet up with friends. Even when I decide to spend time alone, I sometimes get those annoying thoughts that I should be more social. But honestly, too much socializing doesn't always make me happy.
Load More Replies... Jared Johnson 9 months ago
It's up to you to decide how to use your time. You don't owe an explanation as to why you won't attend. It's disappointing the poll responses are explain, apologize, feel guilty, or force yourself to go, when none of these are required. Thank your friend for the invitation, but say you won't make it to this one. If you're interested in catching up with the friend, suggest making plans another time.
jdtimid123 9 months ago
On the surface I'd say NTA Buuuut the "you could have made an effort" sentiment makes me think that this isn't a one time thing. Have there been other, less spontaneous plans that have been cancelled or declined recently? How often have you tried to make plans with this person? Yes, you are entitled to your alone time, and no one should feel obligated to attend a last minute event, but maintaining friendships takes effort, and if you're not putting any into the relationship eventually people will start feeling like they aren't important to you, and eventually you'll stop being invited at all.
Sonya Kimbel (Post author) 9 months ago
I agree with you. I never canceled our plans when we arranged to meet, but I admit we haven't seen each other in a long time. Neither of us really took the initiative. I agree it takes effort from both sides to keep a friendship going. Maybe I could've made time, but it always felt like I was too busy or not in the right mindset.
Load More Replies... Jane No Dough 9 months ago
This is the third post in the last 2 months that I have responded to when it was part of the community tab, only to have my response deleted when BP "moderator" re-wrote it.
Janelle Collard 9 months ago
So someone you haven't seen in a long time demands you show up to a last-minute thing? Yeah, NO!
Just stopping by 9 months ago
I mean if you're not really feeling it, it's not a bad thing to stick to your plans to just relax. However, if this happens more often than not be prepared to not receive more invitations down the line. If you're good with that then all is well.
Wysteria_Rose 9 months ago
I've had times I've had to cancel on friends I haven't seen in a while BECAUSE resting was crucial after a long week or bad work day. And they understand because they're my friends and know exactly where I'm coming from. Sometimes they may need to cancel, too, and I get it.
Sarah Ellison 9 months ago
It doesn't sound like you really would have gotten quality time with her anyway, since it was a gathering. I don't mind going to large gatherings, but if I want to catch up with someone I make an effort to do it one-on-one.
Ace 9 months ago
Yeah, should have made the effort. The older you get the more you notice the friends you no longer have.
- 9 months ago (edited)
I don't know their ages. If they were close to death, I'd say to make the effort, in case it's the last time they see each other. Otherwise, friends are allowed to have occasional time alone. In this case, I think the OP can suggest getting together another time. The friend can do the same.
Load More Replies...
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