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Hey Pandas, AITA For Confronting My Friend After He Invalidated My Identity?
Moderator’s note:
If you find yourself disagreeing with this person’s actions, we encourage you not to downvote the post. Instead, kindly express your opinions in the comments. We recommend maintaining politeness and articulating your thoughts with well-constructed arguments.
I (15YO) am a bisexual trans guy. I’ve been out to my best friend (16M) for as long as we’ve known each other. We’ll call him Simon.
RELATED:
Simon is gay, but pretty in the closet about it
Image credits: Ralf Knüfer (not the actual photo)
He’s only out to me, and one other friend who I introduced him to (15F who we can call Abby). We’ve all kissed each other at different points (yeah yeah, teenager stuff, it was all platonic or sexual, there’s no romantic feelings and it was all consensual and cool. To my knowledge, I don’t think Abby and Simon have kissed on the lips, though).
Earlier this week, I was talking with Simon and Abby and we were just chatting about queer stuff and identity and Simon was making a joke about even being as gay as he is, he’s never kissed a guy.
I sort of raised an eyebrow and asked him what he was talking about, because he’s kissed me
Image credits: Madalena Veloso (not the actual photo)
Simon stuttered and eventually got out that it doesn’t count, because I’m not a real guy.
I took offense to this. I’m not hardcore masc, but I’m leaning more towards that and andro than towards femme. We got into a fight and I’m currently not speaking to him. I feel bad because he’s gone through a lot of confusion through his sexuality to get to the point where he’s just into men. I’m also confused about that part because if he’s only into guys, why did he kiss me if he doesn’t see me as one.
Abby’s on my side but she also thinks I should cut Simon some slack because we’re young and I haven’t physically transitioned yet.
So… AITA?
Expert’s Advice
This is a challenging situation, and it’s clear you’re navigating some complicated feelings around identity and friendship. Here are five suggestions to help you approach this thoughtfully:
1. Recognize Your Feelings
It’s completely valid to feel hurt by Simon’s comment. His words struck at an essential part of your identity, and it’s okay to take time to process your emotions. Talking to someone you trust or journaling might help you clarify what you’re feeling and what you want moving forward.
2. Reflect on Simon’s Perspective
Simon’s struggles with his own identity might have influenced his comment. While this doesn’t excuse invalidating your identity, understanding that his words might stem from confusion or ignorance (rather than intentional harm) could help you approach the situation with empathy.
3. Communicate Openly
When you’re ready, consider having an honest conversation with Simon. Use “I” statements to explain how his comment affected you, such as, “I felt invalidated when you said I’m not a real guy because my identity matters deeply to me.” This approach can encourage understanding without escalating conflict.
4. Set Healthy Boundaries
It’s okay to let Simon know that comments invalidating your identity are not acceptable. Boundaries are about creating a space where you feel respected and understood, which is crucial in any friendship.
5. Evaluate the Friendship’s Value
Ask yourself whether this friendship is providing you with the support and affirmation you need. Friendships can evolve, and it’s okay to take a step back if this relationship feels more harmful than helpful. Surrounding yourself with people who validate and respect you is essential.
You’re handling a difficult situation with a lot of maturity and thoughtfulness. Trust yourself to make decisions that prioritize your well-being and affirm your identity.
Moderator’s note:
Please note that the images included in this article are for illustrative purposes only and do not represent the actual individuals or items discussed in the story.
If you have a comparable experience or story you’d like to tell, we welcome your submissions. Click here to share your story with Bored Panda.
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What do you think ?
JB 1 month ago (edited)
First, I’m sorry Simon’s words hurt you, you’re never an a$$ for how you feel. Thing is (and I don’t mean to be hurtful here), you are not and never will be a “real” guy because the real part refers to biology. When/if you transition, you will spend the rest of your life telling medical people that you have transitioned. As rubbish as it currently is, there is growing evidence that females (I’m trying really hard with the terminology here) should have different medical treatments to males. Hopefully, over the next few decades this will improve but it does mean you will never be able to leave your biology entirely behind. Simon does deserve some grace, his eyes see a reality that conflicts with your internal truth. I honestly believe he blurted without thinking and encourage you to focus on his apology. He acknowledged, validated, your feelings; that’s what a true friend does when they mess up. FWIW, so far as I’m concerned, you’re a guy.
DotToDot (Post author) 4 weeks ago
Hey, thank you for your thoughts on my post. I appreciate them and I’ll take them into consideration. On one note, I totally understand that Simon is going through his own stuff and relationship with his own identity. However I’m confused when you say “He acknowledged, validated, your feelings.” Simon hasn’t apologized to me, or even tried to ‘defend himself’ by explaining anything he said. Sorry about the war in the comments below- I understand what you’re saying. I’m aware I’ll never be biologically male, but the idea that a ‘real man’ is only one who has a pènis (accented so the censors won’t cover it), invalidates many men, including cis and trans.
Load More Replies...
Ace 1 month ago
I think the OP needs to cut Simon some slack. I understand how important gender identity feels, particularly at that age, but the fact is that if Simon is into guys then a trans guy, normally lacking in certain physical attributes, may very well not ever be in his attracted-to group. Yes, using the term 'not a real man' was unfortunate but it sounds like he's apologetic and clearly from the context he was using it to refer to the sorts of people who he'd find sexually attractive. Trans people are fully aware of the fact that they're not "real" members of the gender they identify with, or at least they should be, and should not be so sensitive to it being pointed out.
DotToDot (Post author) 4 weeks ago
Of course I am aware that I was born female. And I know people make mistakes, which is why I was originally going to let the “I haven’t kissed a guy” thing from Simon slide. However the second thing that he said made it harder to forgive, and unfortunately he’s shown no sign of being apologetic yet. Still, when I get to talk to him I will try to be understanding, especially since I know how hard it is to understand your identity.
Load More Replies...
Secret Squirrel 1 month ago
Simons comment was about him, not you. You can tell because being gay is not about who you kiss but you are attracted to. He's struggling with his own identity and yours got caught in friendly fire. Not an excuse he can use forever, but don't write him off unless he sticks to it. It was dumb a d hurtful, but it sounds like it comes from self loathing. So bear that in mind. It would be a shame to throw away what seems like a good friendship on one AH day.
JB 1 month ago (edited)
First, I’m sorry Simon’s words hurt you, you’re never an a$$ for how you feel. Thing is (and I don’t mean to be hurtful here), you are not and never will be a “real” guy because the real part refers to biology. When/if you transition, you will spend the rest of your life telling medical people that you have transitioned. As rubbish as it currently is, there is growing evidence that females (I’m trying really hard with the terminology here) should have different medical treatments to males. Hopefully, over the next few decades this will improve but it does mean you will never be able to leave your biology entirely behind. Simon does deserve some grace, his eyes see a reality that conflicts with your internal truth. I honestly believe he blurted without thinking and encourage you to focus on his apology. He acknowledged, validated, your feelings; that’s what a true friend does when they mess up. FWIW, so far as I’m concerned, you’re a guy.
DotToDot (Post author) 4 weeks ago
Hey, thank you for your thoughts on my post. I appreciate them and I’ll take them into consideration. On one note, I totally understand that Simon is going through his own stuff and relationship with his own identity. However I’m confused when you say “He acknowledged, validated, your feelings.” Simon hasn’t apologized to me, or even tried to ‘defend himself’ by explaining anything he said. Sorry about the war in the comments below- I understand what you’re saying. I’m aware I’ll never be biologically male, but the idea that a ‘real man’ is only one who has a pènis (accented so the censors won’t cover it), invalidates many men, including cis and trans.
Load More Replies... Ace 1 month ago
I think the OP needs to cut Simon some slack. I understand how important gender identity feels, particularly at that age, but the fact is that if Simon is into guys then a trans guy, normally lacking in certain physical attributes, may very well not ever be in his attracted-to group. Yes, using the term 'not a real man' was unfortunate but it sounds like he's apologetic and clearly from the context he was using it to refer to the sorts of people who he'd find sexually attractive. Trans people are fully aware of the fact that they're not "real" members of the gender they identify with, or at least they should be, and should not be so sensitive to it being pointed out.
DotToDot (Post author) 4 weeks ago
Of course I am aware that I was born female. And I know people make mistakes, which is why I was originally going to let the “I haven’t kissed a guy” thing from Simon slide. However the second thing that he said made it harder to forgive, and unfortunately he’s shown no sign of being apologetic yet. Still, when I get to talk to him I will try to be understanding, especially since I know how hard it is to understand your identity.
Load More Replies... Secret Squirrel 1 month ago
Simons comment was about him, not you. You can tell because being gay is not about who you kiss but you are attracted to. He's struggling with his own identity and yours got caught in friendly fire. Not an excuse he can use forever, but don't write him off unless he sticks to it. It was dumb a d hurtful, but it sounds like it comes from self loathing. So bear that in mind. It would be a shame to throw away what seems like a good friendship on one AH day.
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