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Hey Pandas, AITA For Being Upset With My Friend Who Said I’m Not A “Real Guy”?

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I (15YO) am a bisexual trans guy. I’ve been out to my best friend (16M) for as long as we’ve known each other. We’ll call him Simon.

Simon is gay, but pretty in the closet about it

Hey Pandas, AITA For Being Upset With My Friend Who Said I’m Not A “Real Guy”?

Image credits: Ralf Knüfer (not the actual photo)

He’s only out to me, and one other friend who I introduced him to (15F who we can call Abby). We’ve all kissed each other at different points (yeah yeah, teenager stuff, it was all platonic or sexual, there’s no romantic feelings and it was all consensual and cool. To my knowledge, I don’t think Abby and Simon have kissed on the lips, though).

Earlier this week, I was talking with Simon and Abby and we were just chatting about queer stuff and identity and Simon was making a joke about even being as gay as he is, he’s never kissed a guy.

I sort of raised an eyebrow and asked him what he was talking about, because he’s kissed me

Hey Pandas, AITA For Being Upset With My Friend Who Said I’m Not A “Real Guy”?

Image credits: Madalena Veloso (not the actual photo)

Simon stuttered and eventually got out that it doesn’t count, because I’m not a real guy.

I took offense to this. I’m not hardcore masc, but I’m leaning more towards that and andro than towards femme. We got into a fight and I’m currently not speaking to him. I feel bad because he’s gone through a lot of confusion through his sexuality to get to the point where he’s just into men. I’m also confused about that part because if he’s only into guys, why did he kiss me if he doesn’t see me as one.

Abby’s on my side but she also thinks I should cut Simon some slack because we’re young and I haven’t physically transitioned yet.

So… AITA?

Expert’s Advice

This is a challenging situation, and it’s clear you’re navigating some complicated feelings around identity and friendship. Here are five suggestions to help you approach this thoughtfully:

1. Recognize Your Feelings

It’s completely valid to feel hurt by Simon’s comment. His words struck at an essential part of your identity, and it’s okay to take time to process your emotions. Talking to someone you trust or journaling might help you clarify what you’re feeling and what you want moving forward.

2. Reflect on Simon’s Perspective

Simon’s struggles with his own identity might have influenced his comment. While this doesn’t excuse invalidating your identity, understanding that his words might stem from confusion or ignorance (rather than intentional harm) could help you approach the situation with empathy.

3. Communicate Openly

When you’re ready, consider having an honest conversation with Simon. Use “I” statements to explain how his comment affected you, such as, “I felt invalidated when you said I’m not a real guy because my identity matters deeply to me.” This approach can encourage understanding without escalating conflict.

4. Set Healthy Boundaries

It’s okay to let Simon know that comments invalidating your identity are not acceptable. Boundaries are about creating a space where you feel respected and understood, which is crucial in any friendship.

5. Evaluate the Friendship’s Value

Ask yourself whether this friendship is providing you with the support and affirmation you need. Friendships can evolve, and it’s okay to take a step back if this relationship feels more harmful than helpful. Surrounding yourself with people who validate and respect you is essential.

You’re handling a difficult situation with a lot of maturity and thoughtfulness. Trust yourself to make decisions that prioritize your well-being and affirm your identity.

Moderator’s note:

Please note that the images included in this article are for illustrative purposes only and do not represent the actual individuals or items discussed in the story.

If you have a comparable experience or story you’d like to tell, we welcome your submissions. Click here to share your story with Bored Panda.

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Hi! I’m DotToDot! I’m a genderfluid author who is currently trying to get their book published. I have six chickens and love them with all my heart. BoredPanda is a great space, and I’m glad I got to join!

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My name is Gabriela, and I’m a Community Manager at Bored Panda. In real life, it means that every day, together with my team, I ensure that all the posts submitted by our creative pandas display their work in the best possible way. I'm always on the lookout for new artists who would like to join our community and share their content with a wide audience. In addition to that, I keep my finger on the community pulse and supervise its activity, ensuring that any problems our members experience on our website are promptly resolved. Before joining the Bored Panda team, I worked as a freelancer, offering my creative services to people around the world—starting with graphic design, photography, and finally videos. Now, I pursue these activities only as a hobby, capturing moments with my cats and documenting new places I visit during my travels.

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What do you think ?

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FreeTheUnicorn 1 hour ago

Give Simon a chance to learn from it. It sounds likes he's been a good friend, but has to do some thinking about both gender and sexualtiy. It also sounded like he didn't know what he was going to say until it was out of his mouth, and it may not have been the right wording. Or it might be the right wording but he now knows he needs to change his way of thinking. Or this might be the beginning of the end of the friendship. But it sounds like he deserves a chance to think things through, to consider your perspective, and confront some latent homophobia/trans phobia. It might take a few conversations, but give him a chance to get there. If he doesn't take it, it's ok to distance yourself.

1point

A girl 2 days ago

Totally out of my realm of understanding. Sorry.

1point

Donkey boi 20 minutes ago

I'm a straight talker, so if easily offended please skip past. With that out the way... What is a 'Real Guy'? I'm in my 40's and have never definitively been able to answer that. My sister is straight; She watches sports, drinks beer, and is generally a representation of a stereotypical man. So for 'Simon' (and many many others), it has to have come down to a physical thing, d**k. Which is understandable given that your school is still probably teaching the same thing that they were in my day when it comes to biology. NGL, the whole gender debate can get confusing as heck, so I imagine it's even more so for young teens that are trying to discover themselves. Cut him a break. You said it yourself, this kid's only told 2 people that he likes guys/d**k. You're all still learning, don't get too hung up on this kind of c**p. Focus on being kind, caring, loyal, and supportive friends. Then you'll find that little else matters when you have friends that would fight, bleed and die for you.

0points

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