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Hey Panda, AITA For Wanting To Divorce My Wife Given Our Intimacy Problems?

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I (M49) have been with my wife (56) for almost 20 years now. We have one daughter (20) who is currently in college and still living with us.

Over the past few years, especially after she went through the “change” we have been slowly drifting apart

Hey Panda, AITA For Wanting To Divorce My Wife Given Our Intimacy Problems?

Image credits: Alex Green (not the actual photo)

We no longer sleep in the same room because she says that I become erratic with my dreams and move too much. That’s fine.

We have not been intimate for over 10 years now

Hey Panda, AITA For Wanting To Divorce My Wife Given Our Intimacy Problems?

Image credits: Ron Lach (not the actual photo)

I try to initiate things but she just says not to touch her. Even if I sit by her, she gets up and moves. I have always been a hopeful romantic. I no longer have the friend I once had.

She’s not interested in counseling and I have brought up the D word during an argument but it seemed to really upset her

Hey Panda, AITA For Wanting To Divorce My Wife Given Our Intimacy Problems?

Image credits: Kelly Sikkema (not the actual photo)

We have not talked about it since. The reason I’m still here is because if I were to leave I don’t know how she would be able to support herself because she only has a part-time job. I’m just trying to hang on until my daughter finishes college, which will be in a few months. My SO keeps threatening to move out every time we argue but she never does. I tell her if she’s not happy here to stay with one of her friends. If she told me she had a BF it wouldn’t even bother me. I just want her to be happy and enjoy her life, but I want the same too. So, my question is AITA for wanting out of this relationship?

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What do you think ?

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Ima Manimal 7 months ago

In a divorce, this is called “alienation of affection.” If she is refusing counseling or therapy, I would go ahead and proceed with divorce. She is basically just using you for financial stability but offering absolutely nothing to the relationship or the marriage. 10 years is a long time to be patient and tolerant. But enough is enough. You COULD be in a wonderful, blissful relationship. Not too late.

44points

Captain McSmoot 7 months ago

You worded what I wanted to say so much better :) You are completely correct. If he lives to be 80, he's wasted 1/8th of his life that he'll NEVER get back!

15points

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saynogo 7 months ago

"offering absolutely nothing to the relationship or the marriage". I don't see where that is stated. My husband supports me financially, but I make ALL the household decisions and organized ANY and EVERY thing to do with our family. If I were to get up and leave today, he would STRUGGLE with trying to keep his and our kids lives in order and the household maintained. What you've said implies that the wife is there for sex and intimacy and is good for nothing if that isn't provided. If their relationship is not satisfying him then he has every right to leave, but to suggest if there is not sex and/or intimacy then a partner of "offering absolutely nothing" is ridiculous.

1point

Ken Beattie 7 months ago

Indeed, and he should start preparing it now. Don't wait till the daughter moves out to start. Maybe wait till she's gone before he serves the papers on his wife, but get started NOW!

-1point

AnkleByter 7 months ago

Except he was neither patient, nor tolerant. He even said he continued constant attempts to initiate sex, even after she told him she just couldn't. It's not her fault she has no desire. It's not her fault that he thought sex was the only way to be intimate and continued even after being told NO. They both deserve to be happy, absolutely, and definitely should be divorced. But it's not her fault, and she didn't alienate him, he alienated her by not understanding, even a little, what she was going through. I bet had he knocked off the horndog attitude and quit pressing that particular issue, they would've found a way to maintain intimacy outside of sex. It happens in lots of relationships. When a person tells you no, though, it means no, and you need to accept that, not use it as a weapon. He waited too long and put too much blame on her for any kind of counseling to help them.

-3points

Donald 7 months ago

She won't even sit next to OP and won't let him touch her, he should have been out of there years ago. All he is doing is financially supporting someone who doesn't want to be around him. She only has a part time job? At the age of 56? Boo-hoo. She is an adult, she can support herself and take her emotional abuse elsewhere.

22points

lenka 7 months ago (edited)

You would NOT be the AH. I would like to point out that it's called Menopause, not the “change”. It's not some kind of secret disease. Your use of the language makes me wonder if you are aware of the physical affects of menopause and peri-menopause (the period leading up to menopause) and how drastically and sometimes devastatingly it can affect women's sexual function? Low libido, pain and vaginal dryness are common side effects of menopause and require some patience and creativity on the part of their partners to stimulate and encourage a healthy sex life. If your wife really wont engage in counselling then you are probably ten years too late and the marriage may very well be over. If you decide to take one last stab at it, start by researching menopause, its physical and emotional impact on women, and then using the appropriate language when you raise it with your wife. All that aside, you deserve to be loved and to have your needs met. You would not be an AH for leaving.

20points

Ginny 7 months ago

10 years!

6points

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lenka 7 months ago (edited)

Yes. peri-menopause for most women begins in their mid 40's and averages 7 to 14 years. His wife is 56 now which puts her at the onset of peri when her sex rejection kicked in. I would put money on menopause libido, vaginal dryness, and possibly painful sex as being the cause, or at least, a significant contributing factor here. Combined with the fact that the husband calls it "the change" I think it is unlikely that this couple have properly discussed the impact of menopause on sexual desire and function. I agree, ten years later is too late. There is probably nothing left to salvage now. And I agree that the husband would not be an AH for getting a divorce. He absolutely deserves to be loved and to have his needs met. I just think it's a shame, because its possible that this relationship has fallen apart because menopause is still treated as 'taboo' and people don't talk about the very real and very devastating impact it can have on women's sexual health.

10points

AnkleByter 7 months ago

10 years of him trying to initiate sex that she, plainly, told him she wasn't interested in. She didn't just magically stop sitting by him. Let's flip the script. If he can't, or doesn't want to perform, due to some condition, and she constantly tried to get him into sex....what would we say? Would we say "it's not his fault he can't perform"? Of course we would, because it's not his fault and we're supposed to say that. If she kept on, despite him telling her that he can't, would we think she's being too pushy? Yes, we would. Women are often told to get a vibrator, take care of themselves, men can't help impotence or what age does to them. Women can't help it either, so men need to cut it out. If you keep being pushy, you deserve to be pushed away. He spent years being pushy and now he's pouting. Understanding and communication beyond pushing sex would've worked years ago, now, probably too late. She's had enough of him, and I don't blame her.

1point

Charles McChristy 7 months ago

"The Change" is literally how billions of women refer to menopause. Stop trying to find things to be offended over.

0points

J. Maxx 7 months ago

I love how you put all the work on the husband. If the wife actually cared, how about she does a little homework herself. Did you miss the part where she doesn't even want him to sit near her? She using him and that's not right.

0points

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Ima Manimal 7 months ago

44points

Captain McSmoot 7 months ago

You worded what I wanted to say so much better :) You are completely correct. If he lives to be 80, he's wasted 1/8th of his life that he'll NEVER get back!

15points

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saynogo 7 months ago

1point

Ken Beattie 7 months ago

Indeed, and he should start preparing it now. Don't wait till the daughter moves out to start. Maybe wait till she's gone before he serves the papers on his wife, but get started NOW!

-1point

AnkleByter 7 months ago

-3points

Donald 7 months ago

22points

lenka 7 months ago (edited)

20points

Ginny 7 months ago

10 years!

6points

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lenka 7 months ago (edited)

10points

AnkleByter 7 months ago

1point

Charles McChristy 7 months ago

"The Change" is literally how billions of women refer to menopause. Stop trying to find things to be offended over.

0points

J. Maxx 7 months ago

0points

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Hey Panda, AITA For Wanting To Divorce My Wife Given Our Intimacy Problems?

Over the past few years, especially after she went through the “change” we have been slowly drifting apart

We have not been intimate for over 10 years now

She’s not interested in counseling and I have brought up the D word during an argument but it seemed to really upset her

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Hey Panda, AITA For Wanting To Divorce My Wife Given Our Intimacy Problems?

Over the past few years, especially after she went through the “change” we have been slowly drifting apart

We have not been intimate for over 10 years now

She’s not interested in counseling and I have brought up the D word during an argument but it seemed to really upset her

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