It’s a straightforward explanation, but words like “ triangulation,” and “gaslighting” felt hollow to me. How could I express what gaslighting feels like?

I used to think I was immune. In the middle of the relationship, something would happen, and I would think to myself that I should be upset, I should cry, or scream, or leave. I thought maybe I didn’t have emotions. I was disassociating, I wasn’t capable of processing it at the time. I learned this later, when my brain, my body finally decided it was time to feel it. A decade worth of reactions and emotions seemed to crush me years after I left. New perspectives came to me too, and the blurry image of what my life had been becoming sharp as a blade. I was overcome with nightmares, insomnia, ruminating thoughts, and panic attacks. Mentally I became crippled, I could not function. I felt like I had to pull years of abuse out of me, I had to express it, I had to release it.

I was driving home from the grocery store one day and I had the idea to make a series of images. I knew immediately certain things about the project, that I wanted them to be black and white, like old photography to symbolize memories. I wanted them to have a mix of practical in-camera effects and Photoshop to portray the sense of not knowing reality. I wanted a mix of the bizarre and the mundane because sometimes it was something small, simple, every day that triggered me. I wanted the majority of the images to be self-portraits, reflecting and expressing my own personal journey was the whole point. It’s amazing how many thoughts you can have all at once.

I took new photos, but I edited old images too. Images that were taken in the eye of the tornado. I flipped through old journals, pulled out quotes I had written, and interpreted them into image ideas. Images with double eyes became a way to portray a sense of confusion, the distortion I felt. Repeating elements in images was a direct reference to the ruminating thoughts I had on repeat in my head. Flowers especially in conjunction with my mouth symbolize the way I felt like I couldn’t speak my truth but instead had to “be nice”. I wanted to take all my messy bleeding wounds and the empty vacant hopelessness that consumed me and put them somewhere else. Put it to paper, put it in a book, and set it aside so I could find out who I was without it.

It has helped. It has been a piece of my healing journey, along with counseling, medication, lots of journaling, and connecting with people I can trust. Feeling heard by those people, being validated, believed, and even understood by some who have also experienced abuse has been even more healing than creating the images. That’s why I decided to share this project, to connect with others. I hope that these images resonate with people that need to feel validated so that they know they are not crazy, overreacting, or too sensitive. Their pain is real, the abuse is real. They do not need to convince me, I believe and I understand. No words are needed.