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Mom Shares Brutally Honest List Of 20 Things To Know After You’ve Pushed Out A Baby
When british mom Bekki Pope "pushed out a baby" she decided to give other soon-to-be-moms some heads up. Her Facebook post aptly named "20 things to know when you've just pushed out a baby" instantly went viral generating more than 114,000 likes and 80,000 shares. Why is it so popular? Probably because it's so brutally honest, relatable and at the same time shows what soon-to-be-moms should expect.
Check them out below even if you're not a mother yet - they'll definitely make you giggle and understand the process better!
(h/t)
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#1 The after pains. Pain. After. Who knew? When God designed women to give birth, he well and truly screwed us over....
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#2 Your first wee. Take a jug with you and pour it over your bits like you're trying to be a star in some very disturbing porno. It helps.
Karla Kelly-Edwards 8 years ago
Feet up on a stool leaning forwards is another great one my mum taught me
#3 Your first poo. Do not panic. You are not having another baby. It just feels that way. But just remember the size of the thing you pushed out of the front bit, and the prospect of pushing out what's in the back bit won't be quite so daunting. Your bum is not falling out. Or it might be. If you have piles. Which you probably do...
#4 Your baby looks weird. Like... Really weird. 'Oh how cute/such a beautiful baby' etc will be said at you and you'll accept other people's opinions, but to you it looks like a hairless slightly purple old grandad with dried blood and skin stuck to its wrinkly face.
#5 Their downstairs bits are ridiculous. You will worry about the impact they will have on their lives should they stay like that. Boys little nuggets are the size of whole walnut whips, but their willies are the size of the walnuts on the top that nobody wants. Apparently this 'swelling' goes down soon. If it doesn't, expect 'big bollocks' to be part of your sons school nickname.
#6 Their first poo is not actually poo. It's tar. The midwives sneak in over night, fill your baby's nappy with treacle and then test you to see if you know to get rid of it, or to see if you decide to take one look at it and start googling 'why do nappies come pre-filled with marmite?'
Sara Shrader 8 years ago
This is the most British paragraph in the history of time. Like more than the magna carta...
#7 Your first shower will be like a scene from Carrie. It's normal. It may feel like you'll never be right again and that you'll walk like John Wayne forever, and you might, but you'll feel so much better for the shower. You're literally washing away your sins. (If the baby was born out of wedlock anyway....)
Elaine Evans 8 years ago
Except that if you have saline baths 2 or 3 times a day instead of showers you won't walk like John Wayne and it won't hurt.
#8 Midwives like babies. They will come and pick yours up with no prior warning. They will squeeze their testicles, massage their tummies to make them crap, and fiddle with their face so much you're sure the baby looks like it's had botox when they give it back.
#9 Your baby hates you. It's not crying. It's communicating with its master- the devil- about how successful their plan to destroy you is going. Seriously - it doesn't actually hate you. It may seem like it never cries when anyone else holds it or that it enjoys keeping you up all night, but really, it is so dependant on you it's embarrassing. Human babies are embarrassing.
Maggie Grover Bacher 8 years ago
and then overnight they are moving out into the world and you wish they were in your arms dependent on you again.
#10 You will say the word 'latch' more than you have ever said it in your life. And the idea of a tiny person casually sucking on your nipples suddenly becomes a reality. At this moment, you will feel like an actual proper mum.
And a cow.
#11 There are people in hospital that can smell your vulnerability. They will take photos of your baby looking cute and then try and charge you a million pounds for it. They will scroll through the 50 photos they've taken of your baby in the same position, asking you to choose your favourites. and if you've got a partner like mine, that means you will have to re-mortgage your house by the time he's done...
#12 The hospital food is as bad as it is so that people decide they would rather be in pain and at home than eating 'peaches and custard'. The custard is hot wee with a splash of breast milk mixed in, and the peaches are body parts that have been soaked in sugar over night. And don't eat the chocolate mousse. Just don't.
#13 It farts. It burps. It hiccups. It makes weird noises in its sleep that make you think you're going to wake up and see Chucky in the cot- head spinning and laughing. You hope people know it's the baby and not you. Not that you'd know if you were farting. Your sphincter muscle control is somewhat lacking at the moment.
Laura Borne 8 years ago
I'm not British but this whole article is funny. I don't get the feeling she has any bad feelings towards her child at all. This is hilarious and true.
#14 Everyone you've ever met will want to come to the hospital to see you. People get overexcited about visiting hospitals. They feel VIP when they walk in to a ward. You are a VIP- a very in-pain person. And you look and feel like death. So only accept visitors if you are up to it. You're still so high on drugs that making conversation with adults is like trying to sieve flour with a fishing net. Everything just pours out of you and none of the shit is stopped getting through...
Maggie Grover Bacher 8 years ago
and don't let them in until you are sitting down cuz no one needs to follow your diapered butt down the hall to your room!
#15 Your tummy is now resembling a balloon that's slowly deflating and feeling very sorry for itself. If you press it, you instantly conclude that it would make a fantastic trampoline for Stuart Little. Or that if you sliced it up right now, the hospital kitchen staff would use it and palm it off as nectarine jelly...
#16 They want you on contraception straight away. Countless midwives will come and talk to you about how fertile you are and how likely you are to become pregnant again. They do however forget one crucial thing- you're never having sex again. You never want to see a penis again. And if one comes near you, you'll most likely destroy it for the sake of women everywhere. The end.
Maggie Grover Bacher 8 years ago
but hubby won't understand this and you will tell the doctor to tell him you can't have sex for at least 2-3 months instead of 6 weeks
#17 Everything's angry. Your brain is angry, your eyes are angry, your tummy, your bladder, your bum. Your vagina isn't angry. It's f@&king livid. Give it a while to calm down but right now, you and she ain't friends...
#18 People ask you if your milk has come in yet, and you half expect somebody dressed in a cravendale costume to waltz through the door and stay with you forever, handing you milk as and when your baby needs it. Not true. What actually happens is that, about 3 days in, your boobs start to leak like they have forgotten they are breasts and now believe they are garden sprinklers. Whose garden you don't know, but at the rate they start pouring out it must be the Queen's...
#19 They want you to go home ASAP. You are taking up valuable bed space and now you have delivered your stinky human bundle and they've checked it over to make sure it isn't a live Picasso painting, you're free to leave. Don't. Not until you're ready. Get all the help and advice you need before going home. Because once you're at home, your baby is expecting you to know what you're doing and you'll wish you'd stayed longer at the hospital. If to only delay the car seat fiasco a little longer...
Kim Guereschi 8 years ago
And take everything you can! As I nursed my daughter before we took her home, my free arm was stuffing t he diaper bag with everything under that bassinet. You already paid for it!!!
#20 Stop worrying. You're not superwoman. There is no such thing as normal, and there is no such thing as perfect. You are your baby's normal. You are your baby's perfect. They aren't judging you. They are completely reliant on you and being responsible for another human being is not a piece of cake. It's a piece of 'oh my god I can't do this'. You can. And everyday will get easier. Breath mummy.
You just grew and pushed out a mini Mitchell brother. There's nothing you can't do.
Except sleep.
Michelle Brown 8 years ago
So true! I have 4 kids and with each them there was something new. I felt like I was the worst mommy in the world at times. But they are now 13, 10, 4 and 3. They all love me and I love them. It's not easy but you can do this!!
What do you think ?
Carries 8 years ago
Before reading this, I didn't want kids. After reading this, I really REALLY don't want kids.
Jeanne Deaux 8 years ago
I'm with you on this. I'll adopt a 10 years old who really wants to live under my supervision and learn from me while also teaching me things of his generation. 10 yo should be okay, right? I mean, they don't poop/pee in their pants anymore, they understand when you talk to them, they don't dribble erratically, they don't scream/cry just for the pleasure of annoying you. They don't, yes? Mmmh, okay, I think I'll take a guinea pig, that seems less dangerous. ^_^
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Hans 8 years ago
I am a bit tired of "brutally honest" postings...why is it such a special thing to be open and name things as they are nowadays? If people (including me) do this on Bored Panda as a comment, you get tons of downvotes...if it is about a topic a majority feels noone is caring for their hardships, it goes viral and has endless likes. Do not get me wrong, I do not even judge the postings...it is just the "honest", and that even "totally", "brutally" or even "vitally", which has become a bit too much.
Jeanne Deaux 8 years ago
What makes a post go viral? Simple keywords, no matter the content: baby, child(ren), puppy, kitten. Just put that somewhere in the title or presentation and you're off to buzz land.
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Tiffany Marie 7 years ago
Yeah didn't want kids before this and now it makes me want to run down to Mexico to get my uterus cut out like I have been trying to do since I was 15.
Carries 8 years ago
Before reading this, I didn't want kids. After reading this, I really REALLY don't want kids.
Jeanne Deaux 8 years ago
I'm with you on this. I'll adopt a 10 years old who really wants to live under my supervision and learn from me while also teaching me things of his generation. 10 yo should be okay, right? I mean, they don't poop/pee in their pants anymore, they understand when you talk to them, they don't dribble erratically, they don't scream/cry just for the pleasure of annoying you. They don't, yes? Mmmh, okay, I think I'll take a guinea pig, that seems less dangerous. ^_^
Load More Replies... Hans 8 years ago
I am a bit tired of "brutally honest" postings...why is it such a special thing to be open and name things as they are nowadays? If people (including me) do this on Bored Panda as a comment, you get tons of downvotes...if it is about a topic a majority feels noone is caring for their hardships, it goes viral and has endless likes. Do not get me wrong, I do not even judge the postings...it is just the "honest", and that even "totally", "brutally" or even "vitally", which has become a bit too much.
Jeanne Deaux 8 years ago
What makes a post go viral? Simple keywords, no matter the content: baby, child(ren), puppy, kitten. Just put that somewhere in the title or presentation and you're off to buzz land.
Load More Replies... Tiffany Marie 7 years ago
Yeah didn't want kids before this and now it makes me want to run down to Mexico to get my uterus cut out like I have been trying to do since I was 15.
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