Your baby is screaming bloody murder because they’re having night terrors. Again, Dr. Google cannot confirm this without studying their brain waves. Schedule an appointment immediately.

Is your baby between two months and two years old? They must be cutting teeth. Dr. Google says this hurts as much as labor (because babies can tell you that their gums are having a contraction measuring ’10’ on the smiley face pain scale.) But don’t give them anything except a cold facecloth to help them cope. Medicine, teething tablets, numbing gel, and necklaces made of organic gemstones are all potentially fatal.

It’s cutting off the circulation right now and if you don’t immediately strip down your baby and find it, their toe will fall off and you’ll spend the next seventy years wallowing in guilt while your poor child hobbles around with a missing index toe.

Feed your baby because you’re a horrible mother if you let them cry it out. But don’t feed your baby at night because you’re creating negative sleep associations.

The tempo may be fast-paced like a Ke$ha song, or slow like a soothing ballad by Michael Buble. Your baby might enter REM sleep every thirty minutes or every four hours. There’s no way to tell and Dr. Google can’t be sure without studying your infant’s individual brain waves.

Rolling over, sitting up, crawling, standing, basket weaving, scuba diving. Your baby has figured it out, they need to practice doing it, and they will be awake for the remainder of their infancy. Purchase wine and earplugs because there is no solution.

When your one or ten month old lies down, yesterday afternoon’s meal burns the shit out of their esophageal lining. Let them sleep on their tummy but only if you watch them on the video monitor all night to ensure they’re still breathing.

Your baby is one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven months old? They’re growing and they want to eat. Just make sure they don’t doze off while eating because otherwise they’ll never be able to self-soothe and you’ll be nursing them to sleep when they’re fifteen.

You let your baby sleep beside you on the couch so now they can only fall asleep to the sound of Grey’s Anatomy reruns. It’s your fault (and Izzie’s) your kid isn’t sleeping at 2AM. Sleep train now. But just make sure they don’t cry during the process. Crying will result in permanent psychological damage and thousands of dollars in future therapy bills.

Turn your thermostat down to 68 degrees and remove all stuffed animals, blankets, and soft surfaces from your baby’s entire bedroom immediately. Only a fitted cotton crib sheet that you’ve duct taped securely to the bottom of the mattress may remain.

What do you mean the thermostat is only set to 68? Your baby’s room needs to be 72.43 degrees for optimal sleep. They should also be wearing two cotton layers and a wearable blanket approved by the American Association of Pediatrics at all times.