It’s been eight years since my wife and I had our first date at Starbucks. We are opposites in every imaginable way: she’s white, I’m black; she’s from Poland, I’m from the United States; she’s Virgo, I’m Pisces; she was born Catholic, I was born Muslim; she’s a vegan, I’m a carnivore. But the most disturbing thing of all is this: she’s a communist (I’m a quasi-capitalist). So here are 10 things you should know if you happen to marry a Roman-Catholic Polish Vegan Virgo Communist.

1) Polish Commie Vegans are sneaky as hell and have been known to use seductive wiles to lure their targets into a deadly headlock. They’ve been known to not let go until you marry them, or, worse still, become vegan.

2) Polish Commie Vegans do not know how to dance to rap music, and they should stop trying. They should also stop stealing other people’s clothes.

3) Commies are NOT listening. Americans were always told that “the commies are always listening.” Actually, no, they’re not. See me below mansplaining shit? Right. She’s not listening. She looks like she’s listening, but she isn’t.

4) The Commies are watching you watch them.

5) As a prisoner of the Cold War, prepare for all food rations to be vegan. Pretend to like it until rescue arrives.

6) Polish Commie Vegans are methodic, detail-oriented and patient. Decision making, such as where to place storage boxes full of useless shit, must never be rushed. A Polish Commie Vegan will always take her time. And yours.

7) Polish Commie Vegans are motivational speakers for any movie character who is facing a seemingly insurmountable obstacle.

8) Polish Commie Vegans believe in the absolute sovereign rule of cats and their right to shit where they please.

9) Polish Commie Vegans hate the individual freedoms protected by the American Constitution.

10) Polish Commie Vegans are extremely hard to impress.

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