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30 People Share The Dead Wrong Things Their Parents Taught Them, And There Is Actual Wisdom In Their Realizations
As kids, we see our parents as all-knowing people. However, as the years pass, we realize that our moms and dads are just regular humans after all, and that they too don't have all the answers. So we start looking elsewhere.
There's an interesting study published in the British Journal of Political Science, based on data from the U.S. and U.K., which found that parents who are insistent that their children adopt their political views inadvertently influence their children to abandon the belief once they become adults.
This can be explained by the fact that children who come from homes where politics is a frequent topic of discussion are more likely to talk about politics once they leave home, exposing them to new viewpoints—which they then adopt with surprising frequency.
Similar transformations happen in other areas as well. To get a better understanding of them, Reddit users u/nousername1982 and u/ZestyClose_Ad4682 recently started threads asking people to share the things their parents taught them that turned out to be totally wrong. Here are some of the responses, ranging from romantic relationships to personal finance, that we thought might be interesting and worthy of your time.
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#1
"If a boy acts like a jerk, it means he likes you!"
No...just no...
First of all, he shouldn't be let off the hook for acting like a jerk. (Whether he's 5 or 105.) Secondly, it teaches girls that abuse is okay, or that they should expect to be treated like crap (and that it's okay for them to be treated like crap.)
StarmanWaitingInTheSky 3 years ago
I swear this was initially an embarrassment tactic for the boys to stop pestering girls and it originally stopped being said to the boys at "courting" age. (I put quotes because it's so cheesy and old-fashioned to say "courting", and not something I say normally.)
RELATED:
#2
That sex, sexuality, drinking/drugs/partying, politics, money, spirituality are awkward things to discuss. I want my future kids to know facts and that if they are ever in trouble, I am a safe place for them. We don't have to talk about it if they don't want to, they'll be taught how to be safe, but they should also know that these subjects are a part of life and should not cause shame.
StarmanWaitingInTheSky 3 years ago (edited)
I didn't have a safe place to talk about anything, so I made sure I am the safe place for my kid, too. Nothing will shock me. I will not judge, just listen. However, some things do need to be talked about no matter if anyone wants to hear it or not.
We managed to get in touch with one of the Redditors that sparked this discussion, u/nousername1982 and they agreed to have a talk about their post and parenting in general.
"I don't really [remember] what I was doing exactly [when I came up with the idea to ask the internet this question]," they told Bored Panda.
"But, I have kids myself who are very curious and ask questions all the time. I made a promise to myself to be as honest with them as possible (without spoiling Christmas). But sometimes it is difficult to give a genuine answer because the truth would make something more difficult to accept. I've seen many Redditors posting about parents telling them they 'can do anything.' I believe those motivational speeches are essential for a child. Probably most of the stories were a variation of that."
#3
If you stop reacting, they'll stop bullying you.
StarmanWaitingInTheSky 3 years ago
This hits hard. It was the teachers and daycare staff that were saying this trash to me, though. My mom sorta ignored it and thought I was doing something to cause other kids to bully me. No support. Nothing. This carries into adulthood. Eventually you stop caring what other people think but there is a stronger need to be heard the loudest, so you end up repeating the injustices you experience in life to friends and family until they acknowledge your plight, which never happens because you're being a downer, an attention-seeker, and a boring repeater. But you're not really trying to be any of that. You just want to understand why people are shitty towards you of all people.
#4
Lack of empathy. My parents grew up in a really really horrible situation and they made it out and did well for themselves. So now anytime anyone struggles they refuse to feel bad for them because they have gone through worse and did fine. I think people deserve empathy regardless.
StarmanWaitingInTheSky 3 years ago
I don't know this guy's story or where he comes from, if he's homeless or has a home and struggling with something. I was at Subway and saw him chatting with the staff. He left with nothing. As soon as I started asking what he wanted they said he wanted food, and that he comes in frequently and they used to give him free food but can't continue doing that. I was going to buy him something if that was the case. I was a bit hesitant hearing that it's been a regular occurrence but then I thought I've been homeless and hungry before. Why the hell not. I bought a $10 gift card for them to use it towards him the next time he shows up. If he doesn't show up, someone's got a free gift card regardless and that is just fine.
u/nousername1982 thinks that parents and their kids every now and then simply end up on different terms. "Sometimes parents have priorities that kids don't understand, like 'Why are they always having to work that much?' Truth is, at least in my case, I don't have to work that hard, but I'm motivated to advance my career. I'm not working to pay for the food, house, or toys. I'm working for the extras."
"Also, most parents strive to have an easy life, which is sometimes difficult to combine with kids. You don't want to tell your kids they can't have something because mom or dad doesn't want to make the effort," the Redditor continued. "My parents told me I had to quit my favorite sport because of a kid that was dealing drugs in the club. Later, I realized it was because the drive was too much of a hassle. The drug dealer had little to do in the decision."
#5
That parents never have to apologize to their kids.
I love my dad. He is a great dad and I know he loves me so much, but he has it in his head that even now, even when his youngest (me) is an adult, that he doesn't need to apologize if he does something wrong. It's baffling.
StarmanWaitingInTheSky 3 years ago
Same here. Mine barely uses basic manners with me. She does with everyone else. Just not me.
#6
Math and science aren’t gonna serve a girl well.
I would had killed to have someone reared me into STEM when I was younger.
StarmanWaitingInTheSky 3 years ago
I wish I had more access to electronics and the computer and internet.
Even though the idea of lying to your kids sounds harsh at first, a study published in the International Journal of Psychology found that 84 percent of the American parents surveyed do it to get them to behave. This is also known as 'instrumental lying.'
While the decision when to use it is ultimately up to the parents, there are certain situations where it's considered more acceptable. For instance, the fictional story of Santa Claus is universally known, and many young children learn it from their moms and dads. So long as they're not using Santa to threaten the little ones into behaving, it's perfectly fine. Interestingly, one study, published in Child Psychiatry and Human Development, discovered that children who eventually found out the truth about Santa Claus reacted positively to the news.
#7
"Respect your elders" but in the sense that you should just keep quiet when you disagree with somebody older than you - turns out many people are awful regardless of their age. Don't get me wrong, my default is to respect any new person I meet, but when a person has repeatedly shown me that they don't are about my feelings or even basic logic, I won't hold back from speaking my mind calmly, even if they see this as disrespectful.
John Smith 3 years ago
My grandad taught me that respect is earned, there is no situation where respect is to be given just because. You don't just get respect from being old. He was a man I respected, and he earned it multiple times over.
However, it's important to remember that there are other ways to go about it. Although parental lying is common, too much of it may lead to negative long-term effects. In a study where the researchers surveyed 379 young Singaporean adults who reported their parents lying during their childhood, they discovered that the participants who were lied to as children were more likely to lie to their parents as adults.
The study also suggested that parental dishonesty can create trust issues and problems externalizing certain emotions, like aggression.
#9
That crying is shameful.
Chinmayee Kalghatgi 3 years ago
I had a tendency of crying to easily when i was younger so now nobody takes me seriously when i am in visible distress
#10
That you need to hustle 100% of the time and be constantly busy with school/work, extra activities, side projects, cleaning etc. Spending time unwinding is a sign of laziness and boredeom and intelligent people are never bored. This really messed me up and I'm still learning the art of wasting time.
"I read some stories about pets that 'ran away,'" u/nousername1982 said. "I too discovered 20 years after the 'dog ran away' that he was euthanized. I can imagine the truth is difficult to share with kids."
"Other lies are just lame, with no excuse. I shared the story that my father told me he had to get A's every day at work. Of course, that is not true, and it didn't help me to get motivated. A friend of mine tells his kids about a 'dangerous man' coming at night if the kids are not good. This is just bad parenting."
Even though the Redditor believes it's impossible to raise a kid without lies, they nonetheless think that parents should strive to be honest.
#11
My mum made me believe that privacy was a privilege. Wasn't until I started studying childcare and learning in depth about the rights of the child that I learned it is a right and that my mum is full of bullsh*t
#12
“Bullies are cowards.”
No they aren’t. They’re evil scum who are naively capable of ruining your life for decades after. And they’re not afraid to do so.
Panda en Pyjama 3 years ago
Cowards? They are anything but cowards, they feel all powerful because they literally massacre children who have done nothing to them, well hidden behind the school garbage cans. And if by some miracle this child manages to talk about it, to a teacher or a supervisor, these assholes are smart enough to make everyone believe that it was you who started it and WORST that you deserved it. A "big" (12) girl from daycare (I was 6/7 years old) spent three years telling me every night "your mother is dead, she won't come to get you, she will never come back". It created anxieties in me that I still feel today... But Go die Sarah!!!!
If you're contemplating whether or not to bend the truth, experts advise to ask yourself a few questions first:
- Are you only helping them in the short term, which might affect things in the future?
- Will your lie confuse them or give them unrealistic expectations of people?
- Is the lie for you or them?
- Are they able to understand the truth?
Often, a child's age and maturity determine whether or not a lie is the way to go!
#14
Tell me the truth I won't be mad.
Panda en Pyjama 3 years ago
Aaaaaaaaand that's how you get to be punished (in the best case) for something as trivial as having forgotten to start the washing machine for the mother-in-law...
donald ready 3 years ago (edited)
What you just described isn't how its supposed to go. A parental failure to adhere to their own rules isn't saying something wrong, its missing the follow through they promised.
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Biliegh Berrie 3 years ago
I never got mad or punished my kids when I told them tell me and I won't get mad.
Daryl McIntire 2 years ago
I disagree. Maybe you had a horrible family? But I was always told to tell the truth, and the corrective action was always lighter when I did so than if I tried to cover it up.
GuyYouMetOnline 2 years ago (edited)
But they're NOT punishing you for what you did. They're punishing you for lying about it! ...Yeah, that's not how that works. I got that line a few times myself. I eventually learned to try to blame others, which I don't think was the intended lesson (thankfully my parents realize now that that approach was a mistake).
Foxxy (The Original) 3 years ago
Both my kids know that I will never promise I won't be mad if they tell me the truth but if I find out they lied the consequences will be worse than if they told the truth to start with.
Phyzzi 3 years ago
Yeah, the thing I try for is "if you tell me the truth, we can try to solve this problem together" and "lying will usually make people more upset because it usually makes the problem worse, even if you think it might help you". Being honest with kids about being honest is important.
Mama Panda 3 years ago
I say this to my son but I mean it! He needs to know that he can trust me when he talks to me. Now we talk about everything!
Vickie Tackett 3 years ago
I taught my kids, to be open with me. Sometimes, after turning into teenager's, I had to grin, and grit my teeth at what I Heard. It's worth it though, because they told me 98% of Everything they did. If it was bad (in my mind, they're telling me they need help), and we talk it out. They're 33&34 now. They still tell me 98% of what they've done. Now,vi only face palm when they're done talking to me, after they turn their back. I love them, and my grandsons. My childhood, was a horrible. My parents monsters, and I vowed to myself when I was very young, I would Never treat my kids, the way they did me. I Am, completely opposite of them! I bask in the love of all my children! The hugs, the smiles, and the I live you' is everything to me! I e even taught my grandsons to be honest with me.
Lori Williams 3 years ago
I told my two girls that and that I would only be angry if I found out they had lied. You have to live up to that. Thank them for telling the truth, but don't try and catch them in a lie. Tell them WHY they should always tell the truth. Both still tell me the truth, at 27 and 33. And BE A GOOD EXAMPLE.
Evon Hynes 3 years ago
I tell my child this, because in our family its true. if you come to me and tell me what's going on, you're not going to get into trouble. I'm here for them, to steward them through this tribulations, and how to make it right. if you accept your part in a bad situation and try to make amends, your only punishment is helping right any wrongs you're responsible for. the only two things you can get in trouble for in my house is lying, or being malicious to anyone.
Lisa Dowsett 3 years ago
If you want your kids to trust you, you must mean these words honestly when you say them and do your job as a parent to help them figure why it wasn't a good idea, how to avoid making the same mistake and learning what is learn from the error
Keith Mitchem 3 years ago
This one for me was tell me the truth or if I find out later you will be in more trouble. Most of the time I got into very little trouble for telling the truth, but when I lied, it was completely different.
Summer and Luna K 3 years ago
I tell my daughter I may get upset but we can get through anything together. And I love her no matter what
StarmanWaitingInTheSky 3 years ago
LOL My mom never lied about it. She always said she will get mad. Then I just told her what she wanted to hear because her bark was worse than her bite. There's been times I got a lenient sentence than if I told her dirty detail.
MJ 2 years ago
My nieces have the worst habit of lying when you catch them up in something, especially if you only catch the crying part and asked what happened. They’ll both blame the other rather than owing their actions. My daughter has , thankfully not learned this action yet, and will tell who was actually the culprit. I’ve told all three of them that they will end up in more trouble by lying about what happened or what they did (my oldest niece would lie to keep her younger sister out of trouble).
Channo Sagara 2 years ago
I always say this to my kids. And the hardest part is keeping my words to not get mad. Just remember that you're teaching them, your actions now might decide if they're going to trust you in the future or not.
Karen Lyon 2 years ago
My late Dad, again, actually meant this too. A couple of times my brothers fessed up to stuff, and the first thing Dad said was, "Thank you for being honest." Then a lecture, but no punishment. Some parents do have integrity!
Susan Egan 2 years ago
Okay I have to laugh at this one. I came in very early, one morning. My mother met me at the door "Where have you been?" it took me a moment and I said "I'll tell you if you really want to know." She was so shocked she said "NO".
Thea Bøwadt 2 years ago
My mom always told me and my brother this. And she remembered not to get mad! We already know we'd messed up big time, when we had to confess something. And it showed us responsibility
Sandrapocalypse 2 years ago
I tell my kids, your punishment will be less, telling the truth, but more if you lie to me.
Joshua Howard 2 years ago
I'm actually a bit heartbroken that this is something your parents lied about. Granted, for my kids, the phrase was "You can tell me anything. I can't promise I won't be upset, but I can promise to listen." I also told them that nothing makes me angrier than being lied to, and that I won't lie FOR them, but if they screw up, I will still love and support them. The example I used was something like... even if you murder someone, I'm not going to help you get away with it, but I'll be sitting in the courtroom every day of the trial.
Lacie Hemmings 2 years ago
Oh ... that classic colossal lie, when you have done something and you hide it, they pull it out with the pretense of not getting angry and doing nothing to you, and then yell at you as if it were the end of the world. Mine always did it and sometimes they hit me too if I dared to talk. Me: "you said/promised not to get angry..." Parent: "How do you expect me not to get angry when you're did this, are you nuts??" Me: "but you-" parents: " shut up! Now you're going to get punished for this!!" Me now: ¯\_ಠ_ಠ_/¯
Jo Frey 2 years ago (edited)
My ex-husband never told me when he broke something or forgot to do something. I taught my kids to ALWAYS tell me when they break or forget something, because I will be VERY upset if I find it on my own! (As a matter of fact, my 20-year-old son just messaged me to tell me he broke a cup, complete with a picture and the notice that he will be cleaning it up shortly!) *proud mama*
Sarmite Kraukle 2 years ago
It was rule in my house. And my children weren't afraid to tell me truth because I kept my promise and never get mad and never punished them.
LucyGoosey 2 years ago
The strict reason I never speak up when I'm upset. No, they were always mad. Always. I got sick of it fast.
Kelly Jo 2 years ago
I have taught my daughter that parents always find out the truth. And grandparents figure it out faster. If asked about something particular, chances are that we already know. Tell the truth so if needed you get punished for 1 thing, not that and lying which will keep us from believing the truth in the future.
Shea Keenan 3 years ago
Yeah, this one is just setting someone up to never tell the truth in troubling times. Tell the truth because it needs to be told and it shows your ability to accept whatever happens.
Avie Cottoy 3 years ago
I've instilled this in my kids however, I stand by what I say. So regardless of what they tell me, I don't explode on them. I help them solve whatever situation happened because of it then we have a chat about the whys and hows and that I'm upset but not mad at them.
China Nolan 3 years ago
If you say it. Do it. Unless they answer with that endangered safety, life or property. Then get mad as all get out so they don't do it again and get to live till adulthood.
Brian Bennett 3 years ago
Come to think of it I don't think I did anything right - but I tried!
Shreeky 3 years ago
That would been my dad... Then many years later my ex-husband was the same way with our oldest daughter. To this day she does NOT trust anything that he says including his so called promises(she's 18). Her 13yr old sister also doesn't believe a thing that her dad says cause he lies and makes too many excuses up.
Mad_Haberdasheress 3 years ago
My 18 yo and I have a truth based relationship. Kids will mess up, it's part of growing up. I told him that when he was a wee boy, and I have always acted accordingly. Now, I have an 18 year old young man who will call me when things don't go the way he expects them to, rather than continue to make bad choices. Honestly, it's the highest compliment my child could ever give me!
Lisa Hearn 3 years ago
I would tell my kids tell me the truth, you will still be punished if you did something wrong, but if you lie, the punishment will be worse. Usually punishment was removal of an electronic device for a certain amount of time or something similar.
Sanaa Denton 3 years ago
You see this is one of the biggest lies told from parents. They say that and the minute you tell them they flip out and start yelling at you.
Imurkittie 3 years ago
I say this to my daughter but uphold it. I went through this as a kid with my mom and it was a lie every time.. she was always mad. I tell my daughter I'll only ever truly be mad if she lies to me. Everything else can be fixed or managed but a lie is never ok. Thankfully the only lie she says is her homework is done when it isn't. We are working on that lol
Storm McAdams 3 years ago
1. I say tell the truth and you will not be in trouble and my kids tell the truth. I also know when they are lying so they get more than one chance to come clean. They would only get in trouble if they lied. I will fight tooth and nail for my kids so it's important that they tell me the truth.
Josh Appleseed 3 years ago
As long as you don't get mad its a good trick to induce honesty into your kid. If you do get mad, you just gave you kids trust issues.
Chris Motard 3 years ago
I don't have to be angry to punish my child. Telling them "I won't be mad" is to encourage honesty with honesty. I won't be angry if they tell me the truth, but THEY STILL GONNA GET PUNISHED for breaking the rules or whatever they did. I can ground my kid without being angry.
Linda Bianco 3 years ago
Not that I won’t be mad, but that you’ll get in more trouble if I find out you lied to me.
Keri Mascagni 3 years ago
I have the rule of tell me first before i find out somewhere else. If you tell me the punishment will be far less than if I get the news elsewhere.
ButterflyMcQueen 3 years ago (edited)
Nope. Tell me the truth, you may get in some trouble but it will be a lot less than if you lied to me, and will show me that I can trust you. My son told me so many things I didn't want to know 😩
Jake VanWagoner 3 years ago
So, I actually tell my kids this and I make it true. I'll dish out punishment for lying, and I investigate to uncover the truth, but I work hard to make sure my home is safe for my kids to tell the truth. Unfortunately their mom is abusive and covering things up is a survival skill at her house, so I have to fight against the programming.
Samuel Pelatan 3 years ago
Got the same in office, shitty managers look alot like shitty parents
John Smith 3 years ago
I had that one growing up, taught me to lie better. As honesty is punished, and parents lie.
Nadine Bamberger 3 years ago
My mother did that, a sure sign I was about to be yelled at and punished, taught me not to trust and be a better liar.
Chinmayee Kalghatgi 3 years ago
They always get mad irrespective of if you told them or if they found out
Jamin P, Rose 3 years ago
"Tell me the truth, I won't be mad." Is the biggest fricking lie ever told by parents.
Dizz2K7 Gaming 3 years ago
Being mad seems to be misconstrued as not punishing you or not being upset at your actions. Parents like thinkin their kids a aren't morons.
#15
That you have to “suffer for love” (I’m a chick). Thanks mom, you set me up for a lifetime of trying to change narcissistic losers.
Panda en Pyjama 3 years ago
My "best friend" when I was a teenager (15), told me that in love or in friendship, if we didn't suffer, it wasn't real... Yeah, of course...
#16
My dad always said. "Children should be seen and not heard." I'm not a big fan of that one
#17
Well I was mostly raised by my grandparents. We lived in an all white community and my grandparents believed every terrible thing they had ever been told about black people. I spent my youth being fed those lies but everyone I knew was white and I couldn’t imagine it being true. When I got to college I met my first non white people and was able to verify that the things they believed just weren’t true.
And luckily both of them realized that before they passed away.
#19
‘’Parents always know what’s best for their child’’
#21
That their love has conditions, and if not followed they will drop you in your time of need. Right or wrong, I hope my children will never feel like they can’t talk to me or that I will judge them.
StarmanWaitingInTheSky 3 years ago
And some elderly folks wonder why their family dumped them in a care home and don't want to contact them again.
#22
Saying, 'Do as I say, not as I do.' A leader shouldn't ask his followers to do something he wouldn't.
#23
That sex is something to be ashamed of.
Miss-Un-Derstood 3 years ago
Let me guess? Religious parents? Why are they SO obsessed with sex & punishment?
#24
That as long as we “have always been given everything we need we are loved”. The emotional abuse has ruined me
#25
The man of the house is always right.
#27
Don't worry about the college loans! You're smart, you'll get a good job and pay that off in a few years.
#28
That it is illegal to have the little ceiling light on in the car.
#29
That i basically have to be a smaller version of them, believe exactly what they do and not think for myself and have my own opinion. If i have kids id let them be open minded and believe what they want
#30
To try to fit in as much as possible and to please others, at the expense of who you really are on the inside.
What do you think ?
Rahul Pawa 3 years ago
"Don't be sad/scared/angry". Telling kids how to feel or not feel does a tremendous amount of harm.
Jasper Cool 3 years ago
I think the most harmful thing my dad ever told me was that boys/men are only interested in one thing from girls/women.
Z Davis 3 years ago
Most harmful thing my dad told me is that he was finally having the son he always wanted when I was 15 a week before my 16 birthday when he told me he was having another child. Wtf am I then u Kno. The son u never wanted.
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Tyson James 3 years ago
Yeah. That's exactly what you are to him. If that was my parent I'd never speak to them again.
Z Davis 3 years ago
My stepmom had to fight my dad constantly to spend time with me. I was 7 in the next room hearing how he had better things to do then pretend like he cared about Pokemon n power rangers. N that something was wrong with me because I don't like basketball. The only thing I could do with him. Lol yea 7 year old me said. F**k basketball.
Jai Ariane 2 years ago
That's a REALLY messed up thing to say to a kid! Kind of makes you want to respond "I wonder if I'll ever get the dad I always wanted"...Maybe one day he'll grow up, or you'll get a father-in-law or another father figure that will step in and provide the emotional/mental support and guidance your dad's lacking. In the mean time, take notes on the effects of his errors and try not to repeat the cycle with your own kids in the future.
EmiEm 2 years ago
I'm an only child, a daughter, my parents tried for 9 years to have me. My father would always say that I was better than any son he could possibly have had. I really loved him for that. He taught me how to do everything he would have taught a boy too. I can do woodworking and home repairs, work on my own car, he would always boast that I was better at those things than the boys too (it was usually true, it still is, I'm the one who does all the repairs in my household, builds shelving and such, all the tools are mine, lol). It was a stark contrast from my mother, who is a narcissist. She would always tell me that she wanted a boy not a girl. Nothing I ever did was good enough for her or worthy of her praise, or respect. I don't know how my parents ended up together or why they stayed together, my mother was incredibly toxic, and my dad was really sweet and generous and loving. It was so weird always dealing with that contrast growing up. He was wonderful to me and she was so cruel.
Nujoie Roberts 3 years ago
You'd be surprised how often it IS true tho- given the right circumstances, men you know and love WILL be shady for a piece!! BELIEVE IT BC ITS TRUE!!!
Tyson James 3 years ago
True. He was just trying to protect you, with his limited mental capacity though. That counts for SOMETHING.
Leah Williams 3 years ago
It's mind-boggling that being attention-seeking is such a bad thing in the first place. Everyone needs attention !? And people who self harm often just need help, so why not just give that help to them!?
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Frank Hill 2 years ago
Oh trust me it is. I can't tell you how many people I quit talking too because all day every day they need validation from everyone. And when you don't respond to their s**t on social media.. that yes I've seen on every platform and no I don't care about your birthday cake or whatever.... so what do you... start texting them the posts they refused to acknowledge. Yeah... no thanks. Making every moment of your life into an earth shattering event is exhausting. I hate attention seekers. Like grow up.
Pan-Panda 2 years ago
There are so many reasons that people selfharm, and it is so SO complicated and such a tender subject, yet so often people who don't understand, and who have never experienced the feeling/want/need to harm themselves for relief tend to be the loudest and most judgmental about it. I also struggle with self harm, and though I am not proud of it and hope I can one day get past it, I am choosing to see it as better than the other ultimate option, that there is no going back from. It isn't easy, but please know that you are so SO strong, and so brave for sharing, and taking this one day at a time. ❤
EmiEm 2 years ago (edited)
I never once self harmed for attention, and I've never met anyone else who did either. I mostly did it to distract myself from how much pain I was in mentally, it never had anything to do with anyone else and I hid it from the world. I was mortified when people would find out. It finally got to where I would only cut myself on the bottom of my feet and I refused to take my socks off. That's how ashamed I was and how badly I wanted to hide it. I don't think people really do it for attention, except maybe as a cry for help and if that's how you're crying out for help, you shouldn't be made to feel bad for it.
Ruben M 3 years ago
Following my wife's example, a common saying to our kids is, it's ok to be (mad, sad, angry, stressed, etc), but it's not ok to (hit, scream at, throw, etc). We're not perfect parents, but I love that my toddlers are growing up feeling comfortable to feel and share their emotions and thoughts. Total opposite example given to each of us growing up. Parents constantly fighting, screaming at each other. My dad, for a time, would go to sleep with his pistol on his night stand telling my mom, "I haven't decided if I'm going to kill you tonight or not." The cycles don't have to continue!!!
Leah Williams 3 years ago
Yes I like this, I'm glad you're breaking the pattern and Oh wow I am so sorry to hear about that violence in your home, it sounds traumatic.
Ray Arani 3 years ago
I remember being told repeatedly by my step father that I had no rights legally, that as a child, I wasn't even considered a citizen, and that he owned me. Usually in response to me trying to speak up against his abuse or threatening to tell someone. I kept silent until well into adulthood when I found out he'd been abusing my significantly younger siblings too. I'd thought he treated them better because they were his actual kids and he wanted them, which was true, but only to an extent. Abusive people are going to be abusive to anyone they have power over.
HANNA 3 years ago
That only pretty girls are molested or harressed so I don't have to worry about those sort of things. Tanks Mom...
FishiesRCute 3 years ago
My grandma told me that my kids should always by me first priority. The best thing my parents taught me: My spouse is my partner in life and my priority. Together, our top priority is our children. So many people can't grasp this concept and it leads to a lot of divorces and a lot of children that grow up with skewed views of what a healthy relationship is.
Jai Ariane 2 years ago (edited)
And kids will test any weaknesses they see in your relationship to see what they can get away with (asking the other parent when one already said "no", for example), which is normal stage of development, but if the parents have a strong relationship and communicate well they'll have a unified front the kids can't break (which benefits the whole family since the parents are looking out for the kids with their rules, etc.). This is assuming the parents do listen to their kids feelings, thoughts, opinions, etc. and take them into account when together deciding rules, etc. for the kids. When I say "unified front," I'm not implying a shutout or breakdown in communication.It's also leading by example as opposed to "do what I say, not as I do".
Load More Replies... Leah Williams 3 years ago
Yes it breaks the family if the parents can't work as a team. They came first and they're supposed to know more, so if they don't work together on raising the kids it just doesn't work
Jamin P, Rose 3 years ago (edited)
"My dad used a bet to discipline me and it straightened me out." Fûck that, you do not use a wooden cooking spoon to spank someone, let alone when their reaction is ten fold what you'd expect. Especially if you're a step-father and not the primary caretaker. Should I have kids at some point, most likely by addoption, I will never treat them like that, ever. Also, BP, do you dare censor my comment. (Nice try.)
Cua Mercado 3 years ago (edited)
Well... This is awkward. But my dad used to cheat on my mom way often. He never said it was wrong but eventually I "learned" that it was OK. I cheated on my previous couples, he knew, and he didn't blink an eye. He just said: "they should have done something for you to cheat. Cheating is not for free." Dude, literally... I lived some awesome relationships going to waste because I thought it was ok, or to better say it, there were no consequences on cheating. I had to learn my own way how much it hurts others and how much it ruins lives. I was also OK to be cheated on. If my mom was, why wouldn't I? Life was not monogamous... I can say that realizing the truth has been the most painful lesson I'm still learning.
Shreeky 3 years ago
The first time I ever thought "if I have kids I would never do them like I was done on something that is very important to every little kid and I ruined it for my whole 2nd grade class cause of what I was told. I didn't know that I was the only kid in my whole class that was told when I was a toddler bout parents lies to their kids about Santa, that there has never been and never will be a Santa Claus... There really was a man named Saint Nicholas though. I told my class when someone asked me what I wanted Santa to bring me for Christmas. Told them Santa wasn't real that our mom's and dad's buys our Christmas presents not a fake man name Santa. It's your dad or grabdpa in Santa suit. The whole class was crying and I got sent to the office over it. They called and told my parents what I did and they said Good those kids needed to know that Santa is not real that a true Christian wouldn't lie about Santa to their child. That's when they knew the reason why I said there's no Santa
Shreeky 3 years ago
Don't worry my kids believed in Santa until they were 9. I had to break it to em when some little kid pulled Santas beard down at Bass Pro shop and my youngest daughter was always terrified of him when she saw that when she was 4. Had to pull my oldest to the side to explain why that man pretended to be Santa. Her younger sister found out bout "Santas Helpers" until she was 9.
Load More Replies... EmiEm 2 years ago
I ruined Santa for my kindergarten class. I had figured out that Christmas that Santa had my mom's handwriting, ergo Santa isn't real, Santa is my mom, lol. Same thing happened to me, whole class of crying kids, got sent to the office, asked why I would do such a thing. I genuinely thought they would want to know, I thought it was this big secret the adults were keeping from us. I didn't realize it was like this big fantasy thing for some kids that I guess it just never was for me. I had always gotten presents labeled "from Santa" but my parents didn't make that big of a deal about it, I guess some kids parents make a really big deal about it? At any rate I just didn't understand it was that important, I thought I'd discovered something and wanted to share it. I didn't know everyone was going to cry, and neither did you, you didn't do it maliciously, you did it because you were a kid and you didn't have any idea what the outcome was going to be.
lonnie sanders 3 years ago
Work hard and be loyal to you company or emloyer and you will be rewarded. Wow, It must have been nice growing up in the 50s.
Nicole Normand 3 years ago
By age 12 I already had a whole list of what not to say or do to my own children based on what I saw or heard from my parents and siblings. I have a grateful family of my own. Grateful as in I'm glad you followed your list.
Sarah Miles 2 years ago
As a kid (I would've been no older than 7, my brother no older than 5) I had an uncle who gifted us animals. The weirdest was a baby alligator that my parents later got rid of - they said it gave my brother nightmares. Another time, he got my brother and I bunnies. My dad built a hutch outside and they stayed out there. One night, we had a bad storm with tons of wind. Bunnies were gone the next day. Our parents said the bunnies got loose in the storm. At 32, I learned that that wasn't the case... Apparently they were given to an aunt and her family who had a bunch of animals; I think my parents thought it'd be better for these bunnies. Nope - it was their death sentence. Shortly after, Dad found out that they killed and ate them. My parents were shocked, but now they just think the relatives didn't get the pet part where bunnies were concerned. If they'd go rabbit hunting, that's a food animal (as opposed to dogs or cats).
Kelly Jo 2 years ago
When the child tells the parent that they feel they should see a therapist because they have made a few suicidal attempts; the parent should not respond with; "You made yourself depressed, figure your way out. I'm not taking you to a shrink. People will think poorly of us." Yep, was told that at 17 years old. Thank God for good friends being our therapists.
Sabrina Bowen 3 years ago
Only ONE of these was not normalized in my home growing up. So toxic. Also: - asking for help is weak - mental healthcare is a sign of weakness - "pain is a great teacher" - parents should be feared, then loved - anything less than blind obedience is a sign of disrespect.
Channo Sagara 2 years ago
Okay most of these advices are actually bad advices and shouldn't be followed. But some are actually great and might save you. I was a rebellious kid because of my unfortunate family background, but now I'm trying my best to build a family better than what i was in. So i see from both sides of the perspectives. Some of these advices sounds like they were written by spoiled snowflakes who haven't see life from the adult viewpoint.
Samantha Bennison 2 years ago
My dad was like everything one of these...no wonder I need therapy
Lingerie De Paris 2 years ago
As the fourth child, I just wish they would have paid some attention to me and talk to me and acted as if they were actually mother and father. They paid no attention to my school work or grades and when we moved when I was 11 they didn't make any effort to get me some friends or help me adjust to a new neighborhood
Axolotl King 2 years ago
Some harmful things I've heard: "Stop crying or I'll give you a reason to cry" / "you're too young to know" (in response to my coming out which I was not ready to do but kinda got thrown into it) / "You're 14, I'm 40, I think I know better than you" yes, you might know more stuff but I have different experiences than you, and while I have never experienced being an adult I'm not 5 and I'm allowed to form opinions on things. / And that one time he got really mad at me because I worded my phrase wrong and made it sound like I was questioning the authenticity of the story of Virgin Mary. / For anyone who has dealt with a narcissistic, homophobic, racist, or even straight up abusive parent, I'm so sorry and I'll listen to you rant anytime. I'm lucky enough that while my dad isn't the best I am still very privileged and my parents have never physically abused me.
Fairy Winter 3 years ago
One thing that i will never teach my children that my mom told me? THAT ROBLOX AND YOUTUBE ARE BAD, WHEN THEY ACTUALLY ARE NOT!!!
FreeBird * 3 years ago
Our children will be saying similar things about us. That is the hope. We all want to do better than our parents, but we have to understand, for most; they did the best they can.
Mark It/Its 3 years ago
I've been bullied a lot on and off by various people who were determined to crush my self-confidence. I've always been very quiet irl and these various individuals have completely ruined my ability to socialise with people I haven't had months to become comfortable around. Overall, I'm just trying to say all the ones about bullying (the why/how you should react) hit HELLA hard because I've found they're never right
donald ready 3 years ago
Perfection is unattainable. That being said, you should strive to be better every day in every way you can. You WILL make mistakes like these, if not these themselves....but its what we do after the mistake that shows us who we are.
Frank Hill 2 years ago
Nothing like a bunch of whiney children pretending their parents were so abusive and terrible.
John Lyttle 3 years ago
It might help if you actually stuck to the topic instead of parading your issues. You only get banned around here for hate speech and trollish viciousness, which is just as it should be.
Rahul Pawa 3 years ago
"Don't be sad/scared/angry". Telling kids how to feel or not feel does a tremendous amount of harm.
Jasper Cool 3 years ago
I think the most harmful thing my dad ever told me was that boys/men are only interested in one thing from girls/women.
Z Davis 3 years ago
Most harmful thing my dad told me is that he was finally having the son he always wanted when I was 15 a week before my 16 birthday when he told me he was having another child. Wtf am I then u Kno. The son u never wanted.
Load More Replies... Tyson James 3 years ago
Yeah. That's exactly what you are to him. If that was my parent I'd never speak to them again.
Z Davis 3 years ago
My stepmom had to fight my dad constantly to spend time with me. I was 7 in the next room hearing how he had better things to do then pretend like he cared about Pokemon n power rangers. N that something was wrong with me because I don't like basketball. The only thing I could do with him. Lol yea 7 year old me said. F**k basketball.
Jai Ariane 2 years ago
That's a REALLY messed up thing to say to a kid! Kind of makes you want to respond "I wonder if I'll ever get the dad I always wanted"...Maybe one day he'll grow up, or you'll get a father-in-law or another father figure that will step in and provide the emotional/mental support and guidance your dad's lacking. In the mean time, take notes on the effects of his errors and try not to repeat the cycle with your own kids in the future.
EmiEm 2 years ago
I'm an only child, a daughter, my parents tried for 9 years to have me. My father would always say that I was better than any son he could possibly have had. I really loved him for that. He taught me how to do everything he would have taught a boy too. I can do woodworking and home repairs, work on my own car, he would always boast that I was better at those things than the boys too (it was usually true, it still is, I'm the one who does all the repairs in my household, builds shelving and such, all the tools are mine, lol). It was a stark contrast from my mother, who is a narcissist. She would always tell me that she wanted a boy not a girl. Nothing I ever did was good enough for her or worthy of her praise, or respect. I don't know how my parents ended up together or why they stayed together, my mother was incredibly toxic, and my dad was really sweet and generous and loving. It was so weird always dealing with that contrast growing up. He was wonderful to me and she was so cruel.
Nujoie Roberts 3 years ago
You'd be surprised how often it IS true tho- given the right circumstances, men you know and love WILL be shady for a piece!! BELIEVE IT BC ITS TRUE!!!
Tyson James 3 years ago
True. He was just trying to protect you, with his limited mental capacity though. That counts for SOMETHING.
Leah Williams 3 years ago
It's mind-boggling that being attention-seeking is such a bad thing in the first place. Everyone needs attention !? And people who self harm often just need help, so why not just give that help to them!?
Load More Replies... Frank Hill 2 years ago
Oh trust me it is. I can't tell you how many people I quit talking too because all day every day they need validation from everyone. And when you don't respond to their s**t on social media.. that yes I've seen on every platform and no I don't care about your birthday cake or whatever.... so what do you... start texting them the posts they refused to acknowledge. Yeah... no thanks. Making every moment of your life into an earth shattering event is exhausting. I hate attention seekers. Like grow up.
Pan-Panda 2 years ago
There are so many reasons that people selfharm, and it is so SO complicated and such a tender subject, yet so often people who don't understand, and who have never experienced the feeling/want/need to harm themselves for relief tend to be the loudest and most judgmental about it. I also struggle with self harm, and though I am not proud of it and hope I can one day get past it, I am choosing to see it as better than the other ultimate option, that there is no going back from. It isn't easy, but please know that you are so SO strong, and so brave for sharing, and taking this one day at a time. ❤
EmiEm 2 years ago (edited)
I never once self harmed for attention, and I've never met anyone else who did either. I mostly did it to distract myself from how much pain I was in mentally, it never had anything to do with anyone else and I hid it from the world. I was mortified when people would find out. It finally got to where I would only cut myself on the bottom of my feet and I refused to take my socks off. That's how ashamed I was and how badly I wanted to hide it. I don't think people really do it for attention, except maybe as a cry for help and if that's how you're crying out for help, you shouldn't be made to feel bad for it.
Ruben M 3 years ago
Following my wife's example, a common saying to our kids is, it's ok to be (mad, sad, angry, stressed, etc), but it's not ok to (hit, scream at, throw, etc). We're not perfect parents, but I love that my toddlers are growing up feeling comfortable to feel and share their emotions and thoughts. Total opposite example given to each of us growing up. Parents constantly fighting, screaming at each other. My dad, for a time, would go to sleep with his pistol on his night stand telling my mom, "I haven't decided if I'm going to kill you tonight or not." The cycles don't have to continue!!!
Leah Williams 3 years ago
Yes I like this, I'm glad you're breaking the pattern and Oh wow I am so sorry to hear about that violence in your home, it sounds traumatic.
Ray Arani 3 years ago
I remember being told repeatedly by my step father that I had no rights legally, that as a child, I wasn't even considered a citizen, and that he owned me. Usually in response to me trying to speak up against his abuse or threatening to tell someone. I kept silent until well into adulthood when I found out he'd been abusing my significantly younger siblings too. I'd thought he treated them better because they were his actual kids and he wanted them, which was true, but only to an extent. Abusive people are going to be abusive to anyone they have power over.
HANNA 3 years ago
That only pretty girls are molested or harressed so I don't have to worry about those sort of things. Tanks Mom...
FishiesRCute 3 years ago
My grandma told me that my kids should always by me first priority. The best thing my parents taught me: My spouse is my partner in life and my priority. Together, our top priority is our children. So many people can't grasp this concept and it leads to a lot of divorces and a lot of children that grow up with skewed views of what a healthy relationship is.
Jai Ariane 2 years ago (edited)
And kids will test any weaknesses they see in your relationship to see what they can get away with (asking the other parent when one already said "no", for example), which is normal stage of development, but if the parents have a strong relationship and communicate well they'll have a unified front the kids can't break (which benefits the whole family since the parents are looking out for the kids with their rules, etc.). This is assuming the parents do listen to their kids feelings, thoughts, opinions, etc. and take them into account when together deciding rules, etc. for the kids. When I say "unified front," I'm not implying a shutout or breakdown in communication.It's also leading by example as opposed to "do what I say, not as I do".
Load More Replies... Leah Williams 3 years ago
Yes it breaks the family if the parents can't work as a team. They came first and they're supposed to know more, so if they don't work together on raising the kids it just doesn't work
Jamin P, Rose 3 years ago (edited)
"My dad used a bet to discipline me and it straightened me out." Fûck that, you do not use a wooden cooking spoon to spank someone, let alone when their reaction is ten fold what you'd expect. Especially if you're a step-father and not the primary caretaker. Should I have kids at some point, most likely by addoption, I will never treat them like that, ever. Also, BP, do you dare censor my comment. (Nice try.)
Cua Mercado 3 years ago (edited)
Well... This is awkward. But my dad used to cheat on my mom way often. He never said it was wrong but eventually I "learned" that it was OK. I cheated on my previous couples, he knew, and he didn't blink an eye. He just said: "they should have done something for you to cheat. Cheating is not for free." Dude, literally... I lived some awesome relationships going to waste because I thought it was ok, or to better say it, there were no consequences on cheating. I had to learn my own way how much it hurts others and how much it ruins lives. I was also OK to be cheated on. If my mom was, why wouldn't I? Life was not monogamous... I can say that realizing the truth has been the most painful lesson I'm still learning.
Shreeky 3 years ago
The first time I ever thought "if I have kids I would never do them like I was done on something that is very important to every little kid and I ruined it for my whole 2nd grade class cause of what I was told. I didn't know that I was the only kid in my whole class that was told when I was a toddler bout parents lies to their kids about Santa, that there has never been and never will be a Santa Claus... There really was a man named Saint Nicholas though. I told my class when someone asked me what I wanted Santa to bring me for Christmas. Told them Santa wasn't real that our mom's and dad's buys our Christmas presents not a fake man name Santa. It's your dad or grabdpa in Santa suit. The whole class was crying and I got sent to the office over it. They called and told my parents what I did and they said Good those kids needed to know that Santa is not real that a true Christian wouldn't lie about Santa to their child. That's when they knew the reason why I said there's no Santa
Shreeky 3 years ago
Don't worry my kids believed in Santa until they were 9. I had to break it to em when some little kid pulled Santas beard down at Bass Pro shop and my youngest daughter was always terrified of him when she saw that when she was 4. Had to pull my oldest to the side to explain why that man pretended to be Santa. Her younger sister found out bout "Santas Helpers" until she was 9.
Load More Replies... EmiEm 2 years ago
I ruined Santa for my kindergarten class. I had figured out that Christmas that Santa had my mom's handwriting, ergo Santa isn't real, Santa is my mom, lol. Same thing happened to me, whole class of crying kids, got sent to the office, asked why I would do such a thing. I genuinely thought they would want to know, I thought it was this big secret the adults were keeping from us. I didn't realize it was like this big fantasy thing for some kids that I guess it just never was for me. I had always gotten presents labeled "from Santa" but my parents didn't make that big of a deal about it, I guess some kids parents make a really big deal about it? At any rate I just didn't understand it was that important, I thought I'd discovered something and wanted to share it. I didn't know everyone was going to cry, and neither did you, you didn't do it maliciously, you did it because you were a kid and you didn't have any idea what the outcome was going to be.
lonnie sanders 3 years ago
Work hard and be loyal to you company or emloyer and you will be rewarded. Wow, It must have been nice growing up in the 50s.
Nicole Normand 3 years ago
By age 12 I already had a whole list of what not to say or do to my own children based on what I saw or heard from my parents and siblings. I have a grateful family of my own. Grateful as in I'm glad you followed your list.
Sarah Miles 2 years ago
As a kid (I would've been no older than 7, my brother no older than 5) I had an uncle who gifted us animals. The weirdest was a baby alligator that my parents later got rid of - they said it gave my brother nightmares. Another time, he got my brother and I bunnies. My dad built a hutch outside and they stayed out there. One night, we had a bad storm with tons of wind. Bunnies were gone the next day. Our parents said the bunnies got loose in the storm. At 32, I learned that that wasn't the case... Apparently they were given to an aunt and her family who had a bunch of animals; I think my parents thought it'd be better for these bunnies. Nope - it was their death sentence. Shortly after, Dad found out that they killed and ate them. My parents were shocked, but now they just think the relatives didn't get the pet part where bunnies were concerned. If they'd go rabbit hunting, that's a food animal (as opposed to dogs or cats).
Kelly Jo 2 years ago
When the child tells the parent that they feel they should see a therapist because they have made a few suicidal attempts; the parent should not respond with; "You made yourself depressed, figure your way out. I'm not taking you to a shrink. People will think poorly of us." Yep, was told that at 17 years old. Thank God for good friends being our therapists.
Sabrina Bowen 3 years ago
Only ONE of these was not normalized in my home growing up. So toxic. Also: - asking for help is weak - mental healthcare is a sign of weakness - "pain is a great teacher" - parents should be feared, then loved - anything less than blind obedience is a sign of disrespect.
Channo Sagara 2 years ago
Okay most of these advices are actually bad advices and shouldn't be followed. But some are actually great and might save you. I was a rebellious kid because of my unfortunate family background, but now I'm trying my best to build a family better than what i was in. So i see from both sides of the perspectives. Some of these advices sounds like they were written by spoiled snowflakes who haven't see life from the adult viewpoint.
Samantha Bennison 2 years ago
My dad was like everything one of these...no wonder I need therapy
Lingerie De Paris 2 years ago
As the fourth child, I just wish they would have paid some attention to me and talk to me and acted as if they were actually mother and father. They paid no attention to my school work or grades and when we moved when I was 11 they didn't make any effort to get me some friends or help me adjust to a new neighborhood
Axolotl King 2 years ago
Some harmful things I've heard: "Stop crying or I'll give you a reason to cry" / "you're too young to know" (in response to my coming out which I was not ready to do but kinda got thrown into it) / "You're 14, I'm 40, I think I know better than you" yes, you might know more stuff but I have different experiences than you, and while I have never experienced being an adult I'm not 5 and I'm allowed to form opinions on things. / And that one time he got really mad at me because I worded my phrase wrong and made it sound like I was questioning the authenticity of the story of Virgin Mary. / For anyone who has dealt with a narcissistic, homophobic, racist, or even straight up abusive parent, I'm so sorry and I'll listen to you rant anytime. I'm lucky enough that while my dad isn't the best I am still very privileged and my parents have never physically abused me.
Fairy Winter 3 years ago
One thing that i will never teach my children that my mom told me? THAT ROBLOX AND YOUTUBE ARE BAD, WHEN THEY ACTUALLY ARE NOT!!!
FreeBird * 3 years ago
Our children will be saying similar things about us. That is the hope. We all want to do better than our parents, but we have to understand, for most; they did the best they can.
Mark It/Its 3 years ago
I've been bullied a lot on and off by various people who were determined to crush my self-confidence. I've always been very quiet irl and these various individuals have completely ruined my ability to socialise with people I haven't had months to become comfortable around. Overall, I'm just trying to say all the ones about bullying (the why/how you should react) hit HELLA hard because I've found they're never right
donald ready 3 years ago
Perfection is unattainable. That being said, you should strive to be better every day in every way you can. You WILL make mistakes like these, if not these themselves....but its what we do after the mistake that shows us who we are.
Frank Hill 2 years ago
Nothing like a bunch of whiney children pretending their parents were so abusive and terrible.
John Lyttle 3 years ago
It might help if you actually stuck to the topic instead of parading your issues. You only get banned around here for hate speech and trollish viciousness, which is just as it should be.
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