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If you've ever been to more than a single stand-up comedy show, you'll quickly notice that first dates are a common, never-ending reservoir of great comedy content. After all, it's a mixture of satisfaction (and a good dose of vitamin C) derived from this universal little thing called schadenfreude (or a "pleasure derived by someone from another person's misfortune") and our unfortunate ability to relate to their hilariously absurd dating experiences.
Just like a horrible hangover or a gut-wrenching brain freeze, a first date from hell is like a rite of passage that connects most of us love seekers. But no matter how disastrous it all was, after reading this list of increasingly degenerate first-date stories compiled by Bored Panda — there's a slight chance you'll start seeing your first dating experience, no matter how traumatic or embarrassing, in a completely new light. Or, at least, you'll get a good laugh out of others' love-seeking misfortunes.
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#1
Met a guy for coffee I had been talking to online. He started acting weird within 5 mins and when I asked why he told me he was disappointed that my breasts looked bigger in my online pic. Then he continued on with how important big breasts were to him. After about 5 mins I cut him off and asked how big his penis is. The answer was unimportant as I grabbed by stuff said "Too small for me" and walked out.
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#2
Within the first 15 minutes, he expressed that he wanted me to eventually wear full burka (I already wear a head scarf) and told me that I was wearing too much makeup. Ended the date right there and then.
#3
He said, "I have four kids from three different women. I have cheated on all of them but something tells me it will be different with you. Do you like kids?". I excused myself to the bathroom and ran for the hills.
#4
On a first date at a coffee shop, the guy picked up my foot (I was wearing cute sandals). He rubbed my foot for a second and I was like wtf, then he put my all of my toes in his mouth.
At the table.
In the coffeeshop.
For centuries, people have tried throwing science, money and complicated numbers at dating. But just like Psyche, the Greek goddess of the soul who was the only one immune to Cupid's arrow, love similarly seems bulletproof from any artificial, logic-will-conquer-all shots. There are a handful of apps and a thing called Google, which is used by almost 1-in-2 singles to background-check their dates. Though, we often feel like we're not entirely convinced whether the algorithms did more bad than good to this already bewildering ritual that only has two possible outcomes.
In order to understand where some of these dates have gone wrong, we have reached out to James Preece, dating and relationship expert and the host of the 'Love Machine' podcast. One of the first misconceptions that UK's very own Hitch shatters is: nothing good will come out of the first date had at the restaurant or a diner. "Dinner dates are far too intense [for a first meeting]. It can go on too long and it's too grown up as well," Preece told Bored Panda.
Besides the obvious risks — ruining your favorite restaurant for yourself or chewing with your mouth wide open (behavior that has a surprising 52% chance of putting your date off) — James instead suggests kicking off your date with a place with a bit more pizzazz.
"I don't think it's a good idea to go to a generic coffee or tea shop and just have a regular coffee because most of us already do that every day," he explained. "No one wants to go on a first date and look back on it in five years' time and say, 'Do you remember our first date in Starbucks?'" Turns out, not only does Starbucks serve as a go-to place for Vanilla Lattes; the world's leading coffeehouse is also the most popular spot for first dates.
#5
When he took me to a WW2 museum and said "Ya know, the Nazis weren't all that bad"
I was like NOPE, I'm outta here.
#6
Realized he had drugged my drink. His excuse was technically he drugged his own drink and then simply offered me to try it so it was my fault? But luckily I could feel what was happening and got out of there quickly and rode it out at home alone. In retrospect it could have gone so, so much worse.
#7
Showed up 45 min late with no text or call to let me know, just as I was finishing my drink and walking out. He was on the phone with a friend. I went to greet him and he put his hand up in my face to “sshhhh” me. I heard his friend ask “so did you **** her yet?” I loudly said, “No and he won’t either” as I walked out.
SuperChicken 2 years ago
Put his hand on your face? WTH? I would've slapped his hand off my face and continue with that reply to his friend.
#8
I was 18, a girl sent me a pm on MSN saying she got my details from my mate and wanted to go in a date with me, I asked my mate and he said she was hot, so after talking a bit I agreed to a date. I had seen a photo and she was attractive.
I turned up to the Cafe for the date and was approached by some girl I'd never seen with a baby. She then told me she was the girl (looked nothing like her photo) she explained she thought I'd never go for someone who looked like her (she was right) then she left her baby with me while she went to the toilet quickly.
Alarm bells started to ring after 15 minutes, I asked a waitress to check on her, to my suprise the waitress came back and said no one was in there. I looked around the Cafe and she was gone. I hadn't noticed her leaving.
I didn't have any of her contact details and smart phones where not a thing so I didn't have internet access. I phoned my mate and got him to attempt to contact her on MSN. After telling him what happened he was suprised and had no idea, apparently he also thought her pictures where the real her.
Another 20 minutes went and I was scared so I asked the waitress for help. Thankfully she was able to help and called the police. They showed up and I explained what happened. I didn't know anything about this girl so I couldn't really help them. They said if she contacted me to get her to contact them.
I left and walked towards my car, I went past another Cafe about 6 shops down and there she was with a different guy. I went back to the police and got them to take her baby in while I watched through the window outside and waved when she looked up.
Turns out I was the baby sitter for her real date.
Sarah Louise Ryan, a matchmaker and dating expert based in London, shares the same sentiment as James. She emphasizes the importance of a memorable first date and says that love and connection some of us are yearning for oftentimes make us forget that excitement is always a good aphrodisiac.
"When you create a focus on an activity, singles take the pressure off dating and create an experience for themselves whether the chemistry is there or not," Ryan told us. Besides not recommending to opt for wine and dine dates at least for the first couple of meetings, Sarah suggests cooking classes ("immersive and will enable both parties to see how each other connects and communicates with others"), breakout rooms or crazy golf as giddy and memorable alternatives.
#9
Many years ago I agreed to meet a lady in a coffee shop for a date. She turns up with 4 screaming kids in tow who climb all over the chairs and just about wreck the place. I paid for our coffees and took my leave lol.
Debby Marengo 2 years ago
Who brings their badly raised brats with them on a first date? No class. Run mister run!
#10
She criticized absolutely EVERYTHING. The car I was driving, clothes I was wearing, cologne I chose. We were supposed to go bowling, dinner and then drinks. When an attendant came over to ask if we wanted anything I ordered my snacks and asked if she wanted anything. "You mean you don't know? What kind of date is this?" Halfway through our game she mentioned I was bringing up the wrong conversation topics. Thankfully my brother called me out of the blue asking to borrow some fishing gear and I played it as work calling me in. I couldn't get out of there fast enough.
#11
He snapped his fingers at a waiter. It was so rude, I was mortified. Left straight away before we’d even ordered a drink.
After Covid rampaged throughout the entire world and made us do the responsible thing by isolating ourselves from the rest of society, dating as we knew it changed. Even as the pandemic winds down, people ask the all-knowing internet if they can 'fall in love over Zoom' — the virtual placeholder for all your Starbucks dates (minus the overpriced java and facemasks). When asked the same question, Sarah and James think the virtual spark, however attractive and comfy, is no match for the real deal.
"Zoom calls have their place and time, but they should not be a date replacement. They should be there to get to know each other, have a relatively short call," Preece explains. The problem with virtual dates, both matchmakers say, lies in the lack of touch and eye contact — the salt and pepper of basic laws of attraction. "When it comes to the scene," he continues, "we can only give the illusion of eye contact. But it's not the real thing."
#12
Went on a date with a guy, who I have dubbed “PowerPoint guy”. He arrived at our first date (coffee) with a literal presentation of non-negotiable demands he required from a future partner.
Including, but not limited to: Must be housewife, produce him two boys and a girl (in that order, gender specified), not work or desire a career, move 500 miles away to live on an acreage in his parents house (like, with them also living there), not have any male friends, BUT he also wanted someone who is open to sleeping with whoever he chose so he could watch.
The list goes on. He didn’t ask me a single question about my life or interests. Just spat out this list of stuff and talked about himself for ~2 hours (at which point, I politely bailed).
Props to this guy for knowing what he wants… but PowerPoint guy did not land a second date with me.
#13
Arrived 40 minutes late with no text to say he would be. Turned up with his laptop and said he needs to do some work and gave me some cash to get him a coffee and something I want. I was like “okay sure” and stood in the queue watching him as he put on his headphones and opened his laptop. I came back with the drinks and he said he just needs to finish this and took a call. I just sat there for another 40 minutes with zero conversation and him typing/chatting away. This was a Saturday BTW and he scheduled the time.
After he finished he said let’s go to a bar and get a proper drink. We had a chat and I tried to get to know him but he was being an arse. He ordered the drinks and then started having a go at me for not offering to pay and went on a rant about double standards.
However, if you don't feel confident enough to step back in on the terra firma just yet, or your date suddenly tests positive for Covid — there are a few tips that might increase your chances of meeting the lucky one face-to-face (and we're not talking about another Zoom date). As most of us already spend a great deal of our daily time staring at flashing 4x4 squares, Sarah says the most important when having a Zoom date is keeping the atmosphere relaxed. "Relax and pour yourself a glass of (same) wine and engage in the process," Ryan explained. Besides that, treating the virtual date as if it's a real thing — dressing up, creating an ambiance, trying to not sweat too much — is also very important, Sarah reminds us.
"The other thing to remember," Preece chips in, "is that you want to save something when you do meet them." What he meant is not overdoing a Zoom date as if it's your only shot at the person. Trying to illustrate what he meant by that, James told about his past client who was 'ghosted' after what at the time seemed like an outstanding virtual date. "I had a client who had a 4.5-hour-long first date with somebody. They got through two and a half bottles of wine in that time each. And she never heard from the date ever again," Preece said. Reason? They both used up all their 'ammunition' and "nothing was left to discuss next time."
#14
First date was uneventful. We talked about what we did, our backgrounds, upbringing, etc. Vapid, nebulous stuff. This was late afternoon Saturday.
We parted and I went to a pub to meet some friends.
The following morning I slept late, and opened my phone to a barrage (well, around four) of messages from my date.
She's listing all the things I should have done or said better, what she found annoying etc. I'm looking through it pretty damned hurt. I started to write what I thought "wow, there's no need for that, just say thanks and bye" but remembered to not text when emotions run high.
That afternoon, another message
"When do you want to try again, think it could be fun?"
This time I did respond:
"Never".
#15
As we met up and started walking towards the cafe: "before we start you should know that my family's very wealthy and you'll be taken care of. I'd like to get married right after graduation so don't worry about going to college or getting a job because you'll be at home".
I've never seen such a huge pile of red flags since then, left before even going inside the place.
Random Anon 2 years ago
Oh yeah? I think they sell blowup dolls and you should get one instead.
#16
I showed up and her best friend was there that I hadn’t been warned was coming with us. Then her brother showed up. Then her Dad showed up. Then her mom and her 3 cousins aged 3-5 showed up. That was the point I excused myself to bathroom.
THANKFULLY this is one of those places where the employees will sneak you out if you’re having a bad date and need an out, and apparently I’m the first guy they snuck out at that point.
#17
He was anti-vax. Like “Bill Gates is putting microchips in the vaccine” level of crazy. I didn’t even finish my drink. After that I started asking people if they were vaccinated before I agreed to meet them in person.
Scrolling through these 'first date from hell' stories, it becomes easy to see why 75% of single Americans find dating 'very' or 'somewhat difficult.' When most of them end up being 'ghosted', 'catfished' or straight-up embarrassed — how could you not?
Asked for advice on how to excuse yourself from a derailing date, both James and Sarah say honesty is the way to go. "If things are going absolutely terribly, sometimes people want to ride it out just so they've got a funny story to tell their friends," Preece explained. As Sarah, a firm believer in karma of dating, tells us: "Just talk to them, let them know (how you really feel) and make your exit kindly."
#18
He said, "yeah you're an engineer now, but once you get pregnant you'll move away from working though...right?"
Just so many assumptions in the one statement, hadn't even gotten our food yet.
#19
She spoke really loudly all through the movie in the theater yet hushed at anyone who made the tiniest of sounds.
#20
He was trying to explain that his family was involved with the KKK, but “not for racist reasons.” This was after declining all non American dinner options, which I gave him the benefit of the doubt because he came from a tiny town in Texas so I figured it was just all new to him. I left money for my food that hadn’t arrived yet and headed out. I dunno why he even asked for the date, I’m pretty obviously Hispanic.
#21
We saw a couple that was black and white, and he expressed disgust. I said they were cute. He said he doesn’t believe in “races mixing.”
#22
It was my first and only blind date which a mutual friend of ours set up. She arrived and parked in a disabled space, got out of the car telling me she uses her nans disabled pass which didn’t sit well with me but carried on anyway. We went bowling and to dinner, she was really rude to the service staff in both places which I found embarrassing and uncomfortable. Cut the dinner short, paid, left and never saw her again.
#23
To start he was nearly 30 minutes late to the restaurant, blamed “traffic” for being so late, even though we don’t live in a city. He was a little drunk when he turned up (but I can understand if he was a little nervous beforehand) I ordered a meal and he ordered 3 beers for himself.
After he downed a few he the proceeded to tell me I was a 7 out of 10, and to get to a 10 I should get plastic surgery so I can be a model. I told him repeatedly that I was happy with the way I looked, but he kept going on and on about what I should get done.
After I’d finished eating I said I’m going to pay for my meal then head home, he wanted to go to the bar & convinced me to go with him. I ordered a drink then turned around to see him leaning over a couple of young ladies, who looked pretty uncomfortable, so I put my drink down and left. I sent him a text the next day saying it isn’t going to work and blocked him.
One week later I get a call from an unknown number and it’s him mum, she tells me about how he came to visit her and told her all about me, and how happy she is that her boy has finally found someone, then invites me to dinner, which I turn down.
Jo Choto 2 years ago
Again, I really worry about the boundaries of young women who after the restaurant experience of being demeaned and judged, still agree to continue the date. Girls, women, this kind of behaviour from a man is not even remotely acceptable, and you absolutely should not stick around for more.
#24
After walking around a stadium so he could take photos of lampposts (?!?) we entered the stadium after the match started. When we got in, I told him I didn’t drink and he bought me a beer and I told him I was a vegetarian but he wouldn’t let me buy the snacks instead ordering two hot dogs over my head. When we got to our seats, I wasn’t eating and he shouted at me to “eat the hot dog!!”. I left immediately making an excuse about getting a text.
#25
She wanted to look at wedding dresses as a first date.
AzKhaleesi 2 years ago
It's not just women. I went on a date with someone and we ended up back at his place watching a movie. I fell asleep he was a gentleman. Woke up to a ring on my finger and a note basically saying he knew I was the "one" and to lock up when I went to work. I noped out so fast.
#26
He had a go at me for giving the homeless person outside the bar some money, then proceeded to rant about the ‘scum’ on the streets, I didn’t even finish my first drink before saying I didn’t think it was going to work out and leaving
#27
Nice and simple. A nicegirl gets it out of the way early.
"I guess I better tell you that I'm going to expect you to stop talking to any other girls you might have in your life."
She then explains yes, everyone, no she's serious, she gets jealous easily.
#28
I walked into a glass panel really hard and got hurt and he laughed. Everyone else at the restaurant got up to check on me and he just guffawed like an a*s. I told him I hope he’s find what he was looking for elsewhere and bailed.
SuperChicken 2 years ago
What a douche! Sad part is, I wouldn't be surprised if he told that incident to so many people without empathy.
#29
We were at a club and he kept running into attractive women he knew but apparently had not seen in awhile. I overheard him lament to a friend, "I never see any of these ladies until I'm here with a date, then I can't do anything! Why do I have to have a date here TONIGHT of all nights?!" I had him take me back home so he could "Go back and enjoy all the women he NEVER runs into."
#30
When he asked me out and I said yes, he then asked if I’d like to go to dinner and what kind of food I liked. I said anything but sushi.
He took me to a sushi place. Said he thought he’d be able to change my mind.
#31
He got so belligerent wasted before our date and he proceeded to treat all the service staff including our cab driver like absolute trash. They wouldn’t serve him alcohol at the restaurant bc he was so wasted. This was our first date…. At an extremely fancy restaurant. I was appalled.
I wanted to show my face at the restaurant again. I dipped half way through and apologized vehemently to our server.
Ozymandias73 2 years ago
At least you found out he was a total ass right away instead of months down the line
#32
Well everything was great at the bar and I was actually super excited.... agreed to go back to his just so I could wait long enough to drive home since I had a few beers showed me his Bills-themed basement bar (we're Buffalo) and honestly it was fabulous. Put the game on and just lounging around his fancy football man cave, I felt 100% at home and at-ease since he was not physically hitting on me at ALL. YES! A NORMAL DUDE!!
Then eventually we started kissing and fooling around slightly, he started saying "Do you love me Mommy? Tell me you love me Mommy" and sh*t like that and I literally pulled back and gave him the side-eye and said "WTF are you doing, thats not a turn on, love." Then he told me he has a Mommy kink and likes "his women to take him on shopping sprees" and the motherf****r made 3x more money than me.
I left.
#33
On a blind date he said, “I’m surprised you’re so average looking”.
#34
I found out he was married.
Listen, if polyamory or open relationships work for you, that's great. However, lay that out RIGHT AWAY when you're talking to someone. Don't wait until you're actually on a date to be like "by the way, I'm married."
Of course the guy just SAID he was polyamorous, idk if he actually was or if he was just trying to cheat on his wife.
#36
When he started talking about how the moonlanding was fake.
Evil Hornet 2 years ago
Never met someone like that :P I think I would stay and listen to this person - just out of curiosity :P
#37
She had already put our pictures through one of those "what would your baby look like" apps and started talking about how we would raise them.
#38
Went on a date with a guy because my friends pestered me to give him a chance because he was “nice”. He negged me the entire date, he insulted my degree and he kept looking at the woman next to our table. I said “nope!” and ghosted him.
#39
It was an awesome date up til the point I left. We went out to dinner, saw a concert, then went clubbing. We were dancing and having a great time. I went to pee and grab another drink, and this MF saw someone he knew and was looking at her lovingly then kissed her. I saw it go down from the other side of the club. It felt like it was out of a movie for a minute.
Luckily I was living in a city and my friends were in that area so I just shifted bars and had a good night.
#40
He ordered just a plate of fries. Picked up a fry, took a few bites until he got to the end he was holding, then dropped the end piece on the ground. Every time. For each fry.
What do you think ?
K Witmer 2 years ago
I went on a date w a guy that ended up telling me the wrong time things closed and I got my car locked in a parking lot until the next morning. That's when he got really weird. He kept trying to get me in his car to go home w him to bring me back the next morning. It felt like he did it on purpose. The place was on a harbor in Maine.There was nothing opened it was getting very quiet. This was mid 90s no cell phone. A few guys walked by and could hear me upset so they told me they'd help me out. They were w green peace and they were docked for the night. I got to stay on an old huge navy ship w the best group of guys ever. They were older except for one was my age. He was the sweetest. We're still friends to this day. They were my guardian angels that night.
Helen Haley 2 years ago
For a woman a bad date is he tried to kidnap/drug/rape/kill me, for a guy a bad date is she talked about the future to fast and she didn't look like her picture.
Load More Replies... Jo Choto 2 years ago (edited)
I've shared this one before, but short version for those who haven't read it before: went on a date with a guy who at some point tells me his kids are still bearing a grudge against him. Because when he left out some important papers and the puppy chewed them, he took the puppy out back and beat it to death with a metal pipe. I literally froze in horror. Kept trying to slink off but he followed me everywhere I went, trying to make out with me (in the bar). I did eventually escape and RAN several blocks back to my car. Still makes me shudder just thinking about it.
Jamilah toenailkilla 2 years ago
Wasn't a date really but I frequented a comic book chatroom for a while and most of got along and were good friends. Well the new spidey game for ps4 comes out and I really wanna play but I don't have a ps4 nor the money for one at the time. Turns out one of the guys lives only about and hour and a half away and invites me to play. He shows me videos of him and his family he lives with and even says I can bring my brother if I feel unsafe. So we go to private chat to make arrangements and turns out this guy has a fart fetish. He asks me after making our plans that if we were, hypothetically, playing and I felt "gassy," would I hold it in or just "let loose." Needless to say I did not go hang out with him, that just weirded me out way too much.
K Witmer 2 years ago
I went on a date w a guy that ended up telling me the wrong time things closed and I got my car locked in a parking lot until the next morning. That's when he got really weird. He kept trying to get me in his car to go home w him to bring me back the next morning. It felt like he did it on purpose. The place was on a harbor in Maine.There was nothing opened it was getting very quiet. This was mid 90s no cell phone. A few guys walked by and could hear me upset so they told me they'd help me out. They were w green peace and they were docked for the night. I got to stay on an old huge navy ship w the best group of guys ever. They were older except for one was my age. He was the sweetest. We're still friends to this day. They were my guardian angels that night.
Helen Haley 2 years ago
For a woman a bad date is he tried to kidnap/drug/rape/kill me, for a guy a bad date is she talked about the future to fast and she didn't look like her picture.
Load More Replies... Jo Choto 2 years ago (edited)
I've shared this one before, but short version for those who haven't read it before: went on a date with a guy who at some point tells me his kids are still bearing a grudge against him. Because when he left out some important papers and the puppy chewed them, he took the puppy out back and beat it to death with a metal pipe. I literally froze in horror. Kept trying to slink off but he followed me everywhere I went, trying to make out with me (in the bar). I did eventually escape and RAN several blocks back to my car. Still makes me shudder just thinking about it.
Jamilah toenailkilla 2 years ago
Wasn't a date really but I frequented a comic book chatroom for a while and most of got along and were good friends. Well the new spidey game for ps4 comes out and I really wanna play but I don't have a ps4 nor the money for one at the time. Turns out one of the guys lives only about and hour and a half away and invites me to play. He shows me videos of him and his family he lives with and even says I can bring my brother if I feel unsafe. So we go to private chat to make arrangements and turns out this guy has a fart fetish. He asks me after making our plans that if we were, hypothetically, playing and I felt "gassy," would I hold it in or just "let loose." Needless to say I did not go hang out with him, that just weirded me out way too much.
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