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Sometimes in life, it’s the thought that counts. But other times, particularly when picking out a gift for your partner of 5 years or when listening to your girlfriend vent about sexism at work, it’s probably best to have more than just that one obligatory thought.

According to women on Reddit, men often do things intending to be helpful that are actually perceived as inconsiderate, so below, you’ll find some of these behaviors women are begging them to stop doing. Be sure to upvote the replies you resonate with, and keep reading to find conversations we were lucky enough to have with dating and relationships coach Rachel New and relationship coach and marriage mentor Katariina Räike.

#1

"It's Just Incredibly Patronizing": 30 Women Share Things Men Do Attempting To Be Helpful That Never Have The Intended Effect I'm sure the guys who come here, asking questions like this trying to understand women, are attempting to be thoughtful. The thing is, any attempt to figure out what we like as a group is doomed to failure. There are roughly 3.5 billion women on the planet, and any group that size will have different opinions on lots of things. Being thoughtful is about paying attention to the individual not making assumptions based on what some people on the internet said.

peppermind , Josh Willink Report

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Jason
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I feel like in some situations it's nice to get a woman's opinion if you are trying to surprise your so. I have an idea what she would like but I'm still a dude. Just want a little reality check to make sure I'm not crazy. Sometimes I just go with what I think regardless. Nice stand mixer for a gift. One of my wife's favorite presents, but people were saying never to get it

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To learn more about this particular topic, we reached out to UK-based dating and relationship coach Rachel New. Rachel was kind enough to have a chat with us and shine some light on why it’s so common for men to have the opposite effect when attempting to be thoughtful. 

“Unless we've seen other approaches modeled many times or had some training in listening skills, our first instinct is to give advice,” the dating expert says. “This is because we want to help and are excited to share our experiences and knowledge. It makes us feel good about ourselves! Very few people listen to advice from others whatever their gender, and because of centuries of inequality, men giving advice to women has the added flavor of reinforcing gender power imbalances.”

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Rachel also points out that, even if advice is given “in a clumsy way,” we can still try to remember that “the helper does have generous motives.”

“If it’s from our partner, we can also ask ourselves whether they are having those needs for self-worth and feeling appreciated and valued met in other ways (by us and others),” she continued. “If those needs are met elsewhere, they will have less reason to use helping behaviors to feel good about themselves. Ask yourself: Do you perceive a balance of both people contributing equally to the relationship, and if not, what can you do about it?”

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    #2

    "It's Just Incredibly Patronizing": 30 Women Share Things Men Do Attempting To Be Helpful That Never Have The Intended Effect When my husband cleans the kitchen its like he thinks he did me a favour and then expects a thank you. Its not just my kitchen, im not thanking you for something you should do more often...

    pashaah , RDNE Stock project Report

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    Ace
    Community Member
    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I often thank my wife for emptying the dishwasher, which for some reason I hate doing. I usually load it and set it to come on, but letting her know that I appreciate her doing something she knows I don't like is good for both of us.

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    Gifts were also brought up many times in this thread, and Rachel says that understanding one another’s love languages might help us see “why a man might buy, say, a gadget for a present.”

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    “We often project our own values and desires onto others, not using our empathy and imagination to try and understand what it is like to be another person,” the dating expert noted. “Asking questions early on in the dating process can be enlightening, like ‘Tell me what your best and worst presents have been’ or ‘Would you rather have a physical object or an experience for your birthday?’ Doing the languages of love quiz is a fun way to find out how to love your partner in the way that they are able to feel loved, whether gifts, experiences, words, touch or practical help. One person may feel loved through meaningful gifts that took a lot of thought, another may feel loved through having the lawn mown.”

    #3

    "It's Just Incredibly Patronizing": 30 Women Share Things Men Do Attempting To Be Helpful That Never Have The Intended Effect When men refuse to go through a door I've opened for them, grabbing the door over my head, and insisting I go through first. Bruh, I'm just trying to be nice, I'm not challenging your masculinity.

    I know they think they're being chivalrous and kind... but it comes off misogynistic. You simply can't bear the thought of a woman holding the door for you?

    anon , cottonbro studio Report

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    Jason
    Community Member
    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I just uh do this for everyone since I feel mildly bad someone is holding a door open for me. Regardless of gender.

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    “Gifts also represent different things to different people,” Rachel says. “Some value the thought and effort rather than the financial cost; others would rather be involved in the choosing because they don't like waste or want to minimize the risk of disappointment. Some find the wrong gift (for example, getting silver rather than gold jewelry) represents their partner not being in tune with them, and for some that can have a big emotional impact because they did not get that attunement in their childhood. For those who experienced secure attachment with sensitive, responsive caregivers, getting the wrong gift is less of a big deal.”

    #4

    "It's Just Incredibly Patronizing": 30 Women Share Things Men Do Attempting To Be Helpful That Never Have The Intended Effect "let's just do everything your way. You can decide. I have no opinion"

    Sir this is your date/wedding/house/kids as much as mine. It doesn't come across as thoughtful, it comes across as you not giving a s**t.

    redmeownkey , Ketut Subiyanto Report

    #5

    "It's Just Incredibly Patronizing": 30 Women Share Things Men Do Attempting To Be Helpful That Never Have The Intended Effect It's really really annoying when guys insist on doing something nice when I tell them no. More than once I've had to straight up argue with guys who insisted on being "gentlemen". It's not even a romantic angle thing, it's just an incredibly patronizing "I know what's best for you" thing.

    anon , cottonbro studio Report

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    Babsevs
    Community Member
    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Oooff, dating rules are so hard to navigate these days! Glad I'm firmly married and don't have to feel my way through this landscape...so different to my day!(and I don't think I'm that old)!

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    #6

    "It's Just Incredibly Patronizing": 30 Women Share Things Men Do Attempting To Be Helpful That Never Have The Intended Effect Guys often do what *they* think is a nice thing without actually considering what the other person would perceive as a nice thing.

    For example, buying me flowers when I'm pissed off that they were disrespectfully late for a date and haven't been answering texts regularly. You could just... promise to not do those things anymore and then legitimately never do them anymore. I'd prefer that over flowers.

    celestialism , Cam Morin Report

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    Babsevs
    Community Member
    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I don't find it a personal affront if himself get me some flowers to say sorry, if the implicit agreement behind the gesture is that it won't happen again. Gifts are fine for minor indiscretions...however, anything serious deserves full and frank discussion to resolution.

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    Marriage mentor and relationship coach Katariina Räike was also kind enough to discuss this topic with Bored Panda, noting that perspective is an important factor to consider. “Whenever we focus on something, that’s what we tend to see,” she shared. “The more we assign a negative meaning to something our partner, potential partner or just someone we know is doing or saying, the more negatively we assume they will behave in the future. That’s then exactly what we’re going to experience. So when we assume all men are (fill in the blank), that’s exactly what we’re experiencing. The 'cancel culture' has strongly influenced our perception in the last decade, and made us more intolerable. We're less likely to see other people, especially the opposite sex, in a positive light.”

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    #7

    "It's Just Incredibly Patronizing": 30 Women Share Things Men Do Attempting To Be Helpful That Never Have The Intended Effect Mansplaining. Do things for me when I have indicated I prefer to do them myself. Thinking that the response they would want to something is the one I would want, without actually asking me or listening.

    EnvironmentalLuck515 , Mikael Blomkvist Report

    #8

    "It's Just Incredibly Patronizing": 30 Women Share Things Men Do Attempting To Be Helpful That Never Have The Intended Effect Make big grand gestures because they think that what girls want (thanks movies and social media), ignoring the fact that you're a very low key person who hates attention.

    ohhownowpurplecow , Radu Florin Report

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    Monday
    Community Member
    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Grand gestures are fine for the right person though. Rather than saying "don't make big grand gestures" it's more a case of "Do what you think your partner will appreciate".

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    #9

    "It's Just Incredibly Patronizing": 30 Women Share Things Men Do Attempting To Be Helpful That Never Have The Intended Effect Kinda specific but if a guy tries to get pass me and puts his hand on my lower back. I get that he might have good intentions and doesn't want to bump into me but having a stranger make any form of physical contact instantly makes me feel like I'm in danger

    overdressed_raccoon , YuriArcursPeopleimages Report

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    Feathered Dinosaur
    Community Member
    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    No theres absolutely no reason for a stranger to toucha woman like that! He would never do that to a guy when pushing past, would he?

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    Katariina pointed out that it is not actually that common for men to have the opposite of their intended impact, but often that’s our perception because of the meaning we assign to their actions. “Our own intolerance for different ways of doing things or not seeing the positive intention behind their actions and words is what causes us to suffer!” the relationship coach says. “Good communication skills help with this, as with all challenges in a relationship. If your partner does something that is hurtful to you, it’s best to talk about it. If he does something that’s annoying, you can check in with yourself to see what his positive intent might have been and learn to accept it. If you can’t find any positive intent, have a conversation to find it.”

    “In today’s world, it's the traditional gentlemanly acts that are often interpreted as something negative,” Katariina continued. “Such as paying for dinner, holding the door open, pulling out a chair, complimenting looks or offering to carry something for her. All these can be seen as politeness and kindness, or condescending behavior, depending on your own viewpoint.”

    #10

    "It's Just Incredibly Patronizing": 30 Women Share Things Men Do Attempting To Be Helpful That Never Have The Intended Effect My motorcycle stalled and wouldn’t start again. I was pushing it down the street back to my house when this guy saw me and insisted that I needed help. He pushed my bike a total of ten feet before he dropped it, picked it up and dropped it again, then started complaining that it was too heavy. Thanks to his “help” my poor bike got all scratched and dented. Funny I was doing fine on my own without him?

    5leeplessinvancouver , Ekaterina Belinskaya Report

    #11

    "It's Just Incredibly Patronizing": 30 Women Share Things Men Do Attempting To Be Helpful That Never Have The Intended Effect Say things like “there are men who actually love [thing you’re insecure about]. I for one actually love [thing you’re insecure about]” when you open up about your insecurities. It’s not about whether men like something or not. Whether I love my own body shouldn’t be determined whether there are men out there who find it attractive. You could have a 100 men compliment the thing you’re insecure about and still hate it by the end.

    eggofreddo , Dani Mota Report

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    kath morgan
    Community Member
    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Sometimes I’m self conscious about a thing because I know men have weirdly fetishised it. I am not for you.

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    #12

    Offering to do something to help around the house but then half as*ing it. I’d have rather honestly just done it by myself than have to get frustrated and finish it

    candy211010 Report

    When it comes to making sure that our actions actually do have the desired effect, Rachel told Bored Panda, “It’s important to start with communicating that you believe the other person is very capable and competent and that you have complete trust in and respect for their abilities. You could say something like, ‘This looks like exactly the kind of problem you are good at solving!’ or ‘I can see that you have this completely under control!’ Then, rather than giving advice or sharing expertise, ask ‘Is there anything I can do to support you?’ or ‘Would you like a suggestion or an idea or would you rather work on your own?’ Very few people take advice from others, so even the perfect solution to a problem or the most useful tip in the world will probably fall on deaf ears unless they have asked for advice. People like to make their own mistakes and learn that way.”

    #13

    "It's Just Incredibly Patronizing": 30 Women Share Things Men Do Attempting To Be Helpful That Never Have The Intended Effect I've had several men insist on helping me lift something they think is too heavy for me while I'm at work. I have to explain that I was hired to do a demanding job and I need to be physically capable of doing it, and their attempt to "help" me is actually hurting my image.

    SheWhoWelds , Blue Bird Report

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    The only Plueschopossum
    Community Member
    1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Happens to me all the time. Especially my FIL tends to act like this. "Are you sure you can carry this?" "No, don't lift that. It's too heavy for you." and similar things when it comes to objects that don't even come close to the weight of a normal grocery shopping bag. I know he just tries to be nice but damn! It's annoying! If I need help, I have no problem to ask for it.

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    #14

    When I am upset that they said/did something they knew I would be annoyed about, and then want to give me a hug or kiss to make me feel better. Dude, it's you who wants the hug or kiss to feel better, not me.

    kirowyns Report

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    Brainmas
    Community Member
    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Yeah I don't want the person I'm mad at to touch me. It feels manipulative to "kiss and make up." Like, actually apologize and change your behavior and I'll kiss and hug you when I'm ready.

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    #15

    "It's Just Incredibly Patronizing": 30 Women Share Things Men Do Attempting To Be Helpful That Never Have The Intended Effect Thinking that I need practical advice when I’m just trying to vent. Focusing on problem solving instead of listening.

    sad-and-bougie , cottonbro studio Report

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    Evelyn Luise-Katharina Hinz
    Community Member
    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Maybe woman should learn to communicate what message they want to get across. It's not that hard to say something like "I know I could just do *solution*, but I'm still so angry about how xy acted". Then everyone would understand that the problem is about being angry at xy acting like an idiot. The solution would then be to tell the woman that they understand that she is angry and that the person really behaved like an idiot. By the way, I'm a woman and I hate this kind of communication when someone expects others to interpret their mixed messages.

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    Katariina also says making sure our partners perceive our actions the way we want them to is simple. It requires “communication, communication, communication!”

    “And before communication, both of you need to take responsibility for your own mindset and beliefs about other people and their intentions,” the mentor noted. “This mindset is something that takes a lot of effort to change, so it’s good to pay attention to this tendency already in the dating phase. Is your date criticizing other people, comparing, and do they have unspoken rules that cause drama if broken? Does it seem that what you do is often wrong, or is it that you don’t receive positive reaction and feedback even if you do something ‘right'? These are red flags that should not be ignored.”

    “This tendency is likely to also cover you sooner or later in the relationship,” Katariina says. “In any case, you need to learn to communicate your priorities, intentions and likes, and be ready to receive feedback and learn from those of your partner.”

    #16

    "It's Just Incredibly Patronizing": 30 Women Share Things Men Do Attempting To Be Helpful That Never Have The Intended Effect My rage soars when I get the: “what can I do to make it up to you, now?” question. After I’ve explained that I’m mad they did this disrespectful thing. And what they mean is ‘is there a gift I can buy you to fix this so that I don’t have to change my actions’

    QueenOfTheTermites , cottonbro studio Report

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    rob
    Community Member
    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    or they literally mean im sorry i hurt you i know you are upset what can i do. not buy.

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    #17

    "It's Just Incredibly Patronizing": 30 Women Share Things Men Do Attempting To Be Helpful That Never Have The Intended Effect This whole, 'oh if I see another guy harassing you I'm gonna beat his a*s'. Unless I specifically ask you to do that (which I won't because that's stupid) you're just going to make the situation worse, get hurt and make it about your heroism (or pain when you likely get battered)

    There are ways to help in those situations without making it more dangerous for everyone involved

    paieggs , Keira Burton Report

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    Lizz
    Community Member
    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I am capable of defending myself, thank you. No man is ever going to admit getting his a$$ kicked by a woman.

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    #18

    "It's Just Incredibly Patronizing": 30 Women Share Things Men Do Attempting To Be Helpful That Never Have The Intended Effect Unsolicited advice on ways for me to get fit and/or live healthier, particularly if they’re my partner (they think they’re being supportive but what I hear is “you’re fat”)

    Magnificent_Ninja1 , Julia Larson Report

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    Hobby Hopper
    Community Member
    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    If you want to motivate your partner to live healthier, you can support them by participating in their resolutions. If they decide to run three times a week, you could run with them, etc. Absent of any positive resolutions, you can make your own. Who know, they might decide to join you.

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    “The way to communicate what you want to see from your partner is the same as all other needs and desires should be communicated: appreciating the positive intent and communicating your hopes in a respectful and positive manner, with plenty of positive feedback along the way,” Katariina went on to share. “It’s only fair to let your partner know how they can make you feel good and what makes you happy, and ask in what ways you can do the same for them. And at the same time, we all are responsible for our own happiness, it’s nobody else’s job to do that. This is something good to remember.”

    Finally, Katariina urges readers to “remember not to take life too seriously! If someone tries to be helpful and according to your standards fails at it, so what? Have a laugh, learn from it if there is something to learn, and move on. Expressing negativity and judgment or taking offense are decisions. We rarely feel good doing that.”

    If you’d like to hear more wise words from Katariina or gain some insight into your own relationship from the expert, be sure to visit her website right here

    #19

    "It's Just Incredibly Patronizing": 30 Women Share Things Men Do Attempting To Be Helpful That Never Have The Intended Effect Thinking sex cures everything.

    EnvironmentalLuck515 , Ron Lach Report

    #20

    "It's Just Incredibly Patronizing": 30 Women Share Things Men Do Attempting To Be Helpful That Never Have The Intended Effect Trying to be supportive or validating by saying things like, "You're feeling [type of way] right now" or "I know you're thinking [thoughts]" that are not at all how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking.

    Instead of being thoughtful, it comes off as assuming they know me better than I know myself or shows that they've totally misinterpreted my thoughts and feelings and just assume things about me that aren't true.

    It's infuriating and actually *highly* invalidating.

    MosadiMogolo , RDNE Stock project Report

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    Feathered Dinosaur
    Community Member
    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    It is to everyone. Never assume you know how someone feels. Instead, try: You look upset, are you angry because of [thing]?

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    #21

    "It's Just Incredibly Patronizing": 30 Women Share Things Men Do Attempting To Be Helpful That Never Have The Intended Effect Doing things for me instead of teaching me how to do it. I want to learn; I don’t want it handed to me.

    SpearmintSpaceship , Gustavo Fring Report

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    Herbert Kisirske
    Community Member
    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    My wife doea that as well and I hate it. She says I am not doing it right, let me do it instead of teaching me How she wants it.

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    And when it comes to gifts in particular, Rachel says that making sure your partner picks out the appropriate ones for you requires a long-term strategy. “Over a period of months, listen carefully to what your partner says, make notes on or take photos of anything they admire, ask questions about what they like about the admired objects, such as ‘So is it the color, the material, or the style that you like?’ Find out what their favorite ornaments, jewelry, etc. mean to them and where they came from.”

    Rachel also warns women not to have unrealistic expectations about a man’s ability to know what kind of jewelry or clothes they like. “It can be very difficult to extrapolate general rules from one or two examples! Many women have had many years of refining their tastes, discussing them with friends, browsing through thousands of images and designing hundreds of outfits, but men have not,” the dating coach notes. 

    #22

    "It's Just Incredibly Patronizing": 30 Women Share Things Men Do Attempting To Be Helpful That Never Have The Intended Effect When traveling alone on a plane, I’ve had men ask if I need help lifting my bag into the overhead bin. I say no, but they grab my bag and do it anyway. It’s so rude and patronizing. I am more than capable of lifting my own bag or asking for help if I need it.

    crudette , Chris Brignola Report

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    michael Chock
    Community Member
    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Just shout "That's my purse, I don't know you!" And kick them between the legs.

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    #23

    "It's Just Incredibly Patronizing": 30 Women Share Things Men Do Attempting To Be Helpful That Never Have The Intended Effect Surprises. For some it might be the pinnacle of thoughfulness, but for me it's stressful. I've been told off before for making plans on a night he planned us a romantic dinner at home. Dude you can't be mad at me for dissing an event (on a random night for no reason) that you didn't tell me about.

    ShylieF , Kampus Production Report

    #24

    "It's Just Incredibly Patronizing": 30 Women Share Things Men Do Attempting To Be Helpful That Never Have The Intended Effect When I'm sick and they INSIST "okay, I'm coming over; what can I bring?" Why would you come and get sick when I'm sick? I get that it's sweet and a great gesture, but if I'm sick, I'm not in the mood to entertain, have sex, or talk much. Just telling you I'm sick so you know why I'm not texting a lot 😂

    Chuck2025 , Shane Report

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    Pamela24
    Community Member
    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    The insisting is the problem. Them asking - I see no issue with. But if they express a preference, just respect it. That's all there is to it.

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    See Also on Bored Panda

    “Although the Reddit examples are mostly women complaining about men, it can be instructive for women to get some insight into how hard it can be for men to generalize correctly,” Rachel continued. “Let's use a stereotypical example of a man showing a woman a shirt he likes. The woman may notice one or two features she thinks are relevant (perhaps the shape, or the collar) but the man might value completely different features (such as the length of the sleeves, or the fact that it doesn't need ironing). So the woman might try to create a ‘rule’ about which shirts he likes, but the rule may be wrong. Similarly, men may try to create a rule based on one or two pieces of jewelry, but get it wrong. We bring our own tastes and values to the process, and we will get it wrong unless you ask for a few more examples and discuss it!”

    “If your man doesn’t have the very specific ability to choose the right jewelry, ask for other gifts rather than being disappointed: it’s not the most essential relationship skill!” Rachel added. “It might help to think of this skill as being like the ability to distinguish particular instruments in an orchestra: very nuanced, needs a lot of practice, not useful in any other context, and not something everyone can do.”

    #25

    "It's Just Incredibly Patronizing": 30 Women Share Things Men Do Attempting To Be Helpful That Never Have The Intended Effect Buying generic gifts. For example, one birthday my then boyfriend of years bought me a silver pendant necklace that looked like whatever you usually see in a Jared commercial. I don’t wear jewelry often and when I do it’s gold and isn’t that style at all. So while the gesture of the gift is appreciated, it also says you could not take the time to figure out what I like, and just went with what product marketing decided women want.

    shrimpfajita , Karolina Grabowska Report

    #26

    "It's Just Incredibly Patronizing": 30 Women Share Things Men Do Attempting To Be Helpful That Never Have The Intended Effect This is very me specific, but I hate being the first person walking into someplace new. It's an anxiety thing I suppose. My partner however, always wants to open the door for me, which is sweet but results in me...walking in first.

    afoolishfish , Lalitphat Phunchuang Report

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    Lama
    Community Member
    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    If it's your partner, wouldn't it be possible to have an open conversation about this? I'm sure he'll understand if you explain.

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    #27

    "It's Just Incredibly Patronizing": 30 Women Share Things Men Do Attempting To Be Helpful That Never Have The Intended Effect Letting me on the elevator first if it's just the two of us and we're strangers. I'm going to need you in my sight the whole time thankyouverymuch.

    MostlyALurkerBefore , Liliana Drew Report

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    Busybee
    Community Member
    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Oh. I just thought it was the polite thing to do. I've never thought about it that way.

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    “The best way to communicate any requests for changes in behavior is to first show appreciation and then to be specific,” Rachel told Bored Panda. “Often we start with criticism, which doesn't achieve our goal of changing behavior – it just makes them feel bad and like giving up. We are more likely to change if we first feel good about ourselves. Don’t assume they haven’t put any effort into picking out the gift, just because you don’t like it.”

    “Don't say ‘You just don't put any effort into gifts’, say ‘Thank you’ and then a few weeks later, suggest that you pick gifts together. Or have a list they can pick from or move to buying an experience (like theatre tickets or a boat ride) rather than a physical object. Don’t say ‘You just don't get me’, say ‘I’d love us to spend some time talking about what’s important to each of us,’” Rachel continued. “Don’t say ‘Stop patronizing me!’, say ‘That's lovely of you to try and help me. It's really important to me that I learn how to do this on my own. But I'd love it if you could clean the car/feed the baby/tidy up instead!’”

    If you’d like to learn more about Rachel or seek her advice about your own dating life, you can find her website right here!

    #28

    "It's Just Incredibly Patronizing": 30 Women Share Things Men Do Attempting To Be Helpful That Never Have The Intended Effect Most compliments on my physical appearance, annoy me.

    I know that most women are insecure but, I'm not and idc if you desire me sexually.

    I know I look good. Try and give a meaningful compliment.

    downvote_and_fuckoff , Andrea Piacquadio Report

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    Lama
    Community Member
    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    An excellent rule for everyone: try to make compliments about people's choices, rather than something they have no control over. (Ie, "I love your outfit" or "I like the way you handled that situation", and not "you're cute when you blush" or "damn girl those some killer legs!")

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    #29

    "It's Just Incredibly Patronizing": 30 Women Share Things Men Do Attempting To Be Helpful That Never Have The Intended Effect Assume things, my partner will sometimes just assume I'm going to say no, therefore doesn't tell me or ask me, and when I confront him about it, he just says "I was going to ask that but i didn't think you would want to"

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    Feathered Dinosaur
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    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    My mom is like that. She's angry at me without even having asked me anything, because I 'wouldn't do it anyway' 🙄

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    #30

    I always split the check on first dates and I hate that I have to argue with them! It’s thoughtful that you’d want to pay for me but I’d prefer to pay for myself. Usually they’ll settle with me buying drinks and they’ll buy food but it’s frustrating and looks weird in restaurants.

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    Ace
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    1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Not really his fault though, after years of conditioning by some women who really do expect the man to pay. I was always very happy to go 50/50, but normally if I'd arranged a special/expensive evening out (i.e. not really 'first date' type of thing) then in the first instance I would expect to pay..

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    #31

    I’ve been irritated at a buddy of mine for something he recently did to try to be nice…I guess it’s a form of gatekeeping where he’s trying to protect me from myself but he’s actually smothering communication? I’m recently out of an abusive relationship and I noticed that I have kind of an abusive type, which freaked me out. So I’ve been researching - and I’m a trained researcher with a doctoral degree - and I’ve been thinking about this for a couple months. I started telling him about my findings and what I’ve learned about myself, and he just ignored my content - *repeatedly* - to tell me to stop victim blaming. That my exes are all a******s, that I shouldn’t be blaming myself, that I shouldn’t poison my good nature by being overly suspicious, etc. I get that he was trying to protect me somehow, but I was adamantly saying “I am not doing that, I am investigating what has caused me to fall into this kind of problem repeatedly so I can avoid it in the future.” It was SO aggravating. He also kept denying my research had any efficacy after citing dictionary terms to me. So I was like “my ex had narcissistic traits” and he was like “I don’t think he did, but I’m not that familiar with it, but let me check *the dictionary*. Yes, I’m right.” ARE YOU KIDDING ME. 🤬

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    Na Schi
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    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Seems like this friend exactly fits in the scheme the OP got aware of and tries to avoid.

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    #32

    "It's Just Incredibly Patronizing": 30 Women Share Things Men Do Attempting To Be Helpful That Never Have The Intended Effect Well for me if the thoughtful thing has a clear intention or I need to praise them an awful lot afterwards it just makes me feel worse.

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    #33

    When you tell them you want peace to work on yourself and they keep calling or texting you cause they say it helps them to cope with the separation. No you're still just thinking about yourself and your needs.

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    #34

    "It's Just Incredibly Patronizing": 30 Women Share Things Men Do Attempting To Be Helpful That Never Have The Intended Effect Not being able to tell me the truth because I (21F) was "too sensitive".

    He (22M) dated my best friend (20F) for weeks and didn't wanted to tell me anything because he thought he will hurt me. The rest is history.

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    #35

    Playing devil's advocate to give me perspective on different scenarios. Just makes me retract and annoyed.

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    David Marchisotto
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    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Devil's advocate is a very useful technique to work thru issues, provided you tell the other person you would like to try that ahead of time. It's a safe way to run thru the other side of a scenario and perhaps learn what the other person you are in conflict with might be thinking. Sounds like you want an echo chamber, not a solution.

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    #36

    I agree with the generic gifts thing.

    Also, washing the dishes. I don't know why a couple guys I've dated have washed the dishes... but there's always food crusted/chunks of visible food, oil, completely missed spots etc so I end up having to re-wash them. My current boyfriend does this.

    One of my ex's put a downpayment on a custom wedding ring after I told him I would never be interested in wearing one and that I don't like diamonds. Surprise surprise, the guy who did this turned out to be crazy, we hadn't even been dating a year, all red flags.

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    #37

    When I share an emotional story and they respond with a similar story. F*****g no! I know they are trying to make me feel connected, but it comes off as one-upmanship. Validate my emotions instead.

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    Isabella
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    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I don't understand. If you know they want to make you feel connected, what is the problem? This is a way to "validate your emotion" and show that they were paying attention to what you are saying. What else would you expect?

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    #38

    My love language for others is gift giving. But my love language to get from others is words of affirmation and physical touch.

    I've explained this and no one gets it. I dont want gifts I want you to make me feel special by telling me what I mean to you.( because I feel I always do that)

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    #39

    Going easy on us, it makes us feel looked down upon.

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    #40

    "It's Just Incredibly Patronizing": 30 Women Share Things Men Do Attempting To Be Helpful That Never Have The Intended Effect Being too pushy in order to comfort.

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    #41

    Writing love letters or poems with generic Googled love quotes.

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    #42

    I dated a guy once who got me a heart-shaped pendant necklace. Which in & of itself was SO not my style. Heart-shaped ANYTHING, big nope.

    But the kicker was that he knew — before purchasing the necklace — that I already had a necklace I wore every single day that had major sentimental value to me, because the pendant held my grandmother’s ashes.

    Upon giving me the necklace, I expressed to him my confusion as to why he would choose that specific jewelry when he was well aware of the fact that I didn’t wear any necklaces other than my grandmother’s pendant.

    His response? “Well, I thought you’d add it to the chain so they could be together.”

    I refused the “gift.”

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    #43

    My husband will buy me things that I mention I want or need, but always completely misses the mark.

    He once bought me a pair of shorts that were 6 sizes too big, and not at all like anything I would ever wear.

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    Jason
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    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    It sounds like he's trying. My wife does this a lot but I still appreciate it because it's the thought that counts. Maybe that video game isn't the one I wanted or would buy myself but I'll try it out because she made effort and got me a gift. Op seems ungrateful.

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    #44

    Public displays maybe.

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    #45

    Reassuring or encouraging me about something, in an attempt to make me "appreciate" their words, when in reality I don't need reassurance or encouragement in that department at all.

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    #46

    Getting you gifts out of nowhere, definitely. Especially when there’s no holiday or occasion. Once in a rrreal blue moon is fine but if it’s often, it seems really kiss-a*s. Like they have an ulterior motive or that they’re really eager to keep you and that’s definitely a turn off.

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    Jason
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    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I do this with flowers or small surprises. Worked over the last 20 years of marriage. My ulterior motive is to keep my wife happy because I care.....

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