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26
Woman Notices Something Off About BF’s Undiagnosed Chronic Pain: “I’m Starting To Question Things”
When their loved one gets sick, most people want them to feel better, so they do everything they can to make that happen, whether it’s making soup or looking after them for months on end.
This redditor, too, was looking after her boyfriend when he was experiencing chronic pain. But after some time, she realized that the times he would feel pain would be surprisingly convenient to him, which made her wonder if he had been faking it all along.
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It’s not easy to watch your loved one suffer from chronic pain or illness
Image credits: freepik (not the actual image)
But this woman started to think that her boyfriend was exaggerating or even faking his illness
Image credits: freepik (not the actual image)
Image credits: freepik (not the actual image)
Image credits: hryshchyshen (not the actual image)
Image credits: PaintContent6734
Many couples believe that sharing chores is key to a successful relationship
When one partner becomes unwell, it’s not unusual for the other one to carry a heavier load, be it financial responsibilities or chores. But when that’s not the case, both partners should ideally contribute, even if not exactly equally, to carrying the burden for the sake of the relationship.
A Pew Research Center survey of married couples found that sharing household chores is one of the three key elements of a successful marriage (preceded only by having shared interests and a satisfying sexual relationship). According to the collected data, 56% of US adults, both with and without children, say that sharing household chores is “very important” to a happy marriage.
The survey also found that among married adults, men are more likely to say that sharing household chores is very important to a successful marriage than their female counterparts, with 63% and 58% believing so. Though other studies suggest that while women agree that ideally, chores should be shared, men’s views regarding the matter are not that consistent.
In a briefing paper prepared for the Council on Contemporary Families, associate professor of Family and Consumer Studies at the University of Utah, Daniel L. Carlson, noted that the findings regarding men’s views are somewhat mixed.
“Although some research finds that men report the greatest relationship satisfaction in couples where routine housework is shared equally, others find that men are happiest in arrangements where they have no responsibilities for routine housework. Still, other studies find no difference in men’s happiness between arrangements where they do no housework and those where they share it equally,” he wrote.
Image credits: freepik (not the actual image)
Quality time plays a significant role in romantic relationships, too
Judging from the OP’s story, it seems that her partner likely belonged to the group of men who felt happier when they had no responsibilities for routine housework. But it wasn’t only lack of help with the chores that bothered his partner. It was the lack of quality time spent together, as the boyfriend didn’t want to do much with the OP, but was happy to go out with his friends.
Quality time doesn’t have to be something out of the ordinary; it can be something as simple as a walk in the park or a date night, as long as both partners are focused on each other. Talking about the importance of date nights in a piece for Psychology Today, licensed couples counselor Kari Rusnak emphasized that they are important for several reasons.
Firstly, spending quality time with our loved one without distractions boosts connection. “It can be rare for us to give our partners our full attention without being distracted by kids, work, chores, or our phones. On a date night the focus is on each other and the activity you do together. It’s helpful to put your phones away during the date as well,” the expert wrote.
Secondly, date nights build positive interactions, which can then be stored in your “emotional bank account.” According to Rusnak, 5 to 1 is the ratio of positive interactions to negative ones that is needed in order to maintain a positive perspective.
Thirdly, date nights allow couples to engage in activities with shared meaning, like rituals of connection, which are activities that the partners share and enjoy together. In addition to all of the above, quality time spent on date nights gives couples the opportunity to talk about their relationship and simply have fun together, which are all crucial to the well-being of their connection.
Bearing in mind the financial load the OP had to carry, as well as the burden of chores together with lack of quality time, it’s no surprise that the woman wanted to have a talk with her boyfriend about the situation. In an update that she shared a few days after the initial post, the redditor said that she finally managed to do that, but it didn’t end in a way the woman likely wanted it to.
Image credits: freepik (not the actual image)
Netizens believed that whether or not the boyfriend was actually ill, he was taking advantage of his girlfriend
A few days later, the woman shared an update on how her talk with the boyfriend went
Image credits: pressfoto (not the actual image)
Image credits: Dragana_Gordic (not the actual image)
Image credits: PaintContent6734
People in the comments assured the woman that ending the relationship was the right thing to do
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What do you think ?
Apatheist Account2 8 months ago
He may not be faking, but not getting it investigated is a red flag. My wife has fibromyalgia and neuropathy, but we're seeing everyone we can in order to get some form of treatment. It's unlikely to be cured, but if you don't get it diagnosed, it will never get easier.
Susie Elle 8 months ago
Dude's faking it, and the tiny chance that he isn't, he's misusing it to control OP. There's zero effort for improvement, he just wants to f**k and laze around unless his friends come calling, then he's suddenly better. I just ... this is insane on a whole 'nother level. Dude even has the gall to criticise OP after she brings it up! He's succesfully gaslit her into being a bangmaid/caretaker. I'm getting pissed off just reading it
DC 8 months ago (edited)
That he's better whenever somebody else wants to do stuff with him, pretty much, gives it away that he's faking it. Everything else, I could imagine being somewhat true, given that we only get one side of the story and so forth ... but, this little snippet of facts, that he's fine the moment his bros turn up with a kayak, and in severe pain once the dishes are dirty, disables me from believing any of his painstory being true. Even if he distrusts the medical system, even if he has sort of a reason to do so, even if all those even-ifs are true - the pain won't care about your plans, and therefore, not go away as if it were scheduled to do so. Unless his friends spike his food with morphine before coming to ask if he's to join them, I don't see how he could be not lying, not faking, and not being an AH for giving an example of just that, which, as if it weren't bad enough as is, reflects back on all people, fake and real, claiming to have chronic pain. I don't want to be seen or treated as if I were equivalent to him. I'm not. We're not.
Load More Replies...
🇺🇦 🇵🇸 TribbleThinking 8 months ago
Well done for getting rid of him. 2 years wasted is better than 70 years chained to that draining parasite.
BP Aunt C 8 months ago
I’ve been living with chronic pain for three years. I’m doing everything I can to figure out what I can do to live a more pain-free life. Including seeing a palliative care doctor about every three weeks. Staying in constant contact with them. Trying different medications and stretches and therapies and so on and so forth. If you’re in this kind of pain, all you wanna do is be out of it. I wouldn’t even have stayed with him long enough to type out your letter. Best of luck.
DC 8 months ago
I have chronic pain. Not one of the strongest, I'm sure there's people having it way worse, and I know the struggles of not being taken seriously, because "The operation that you say caused your chronic pain has a success rate of 98% in not causing lasting complications!", well, yeah, I can derive from this that 2 % are not completely satisfied. This dude does not have chronic pain. If he had, he'd go - walk if able to, otherwise drive - anywhere and everywhere that offers a chance to ease it. Or, get a diagnosis in the first place. He's lazy, there's nothing more to it really, and he needs somebody enabling his laziety, by preventing him from living in the dumpster his place will turn into once you're gone and not replaced. Just hope for this to happen fast enough that he won't succeed in luring in another enabler.
Panda Kicki 8 months ago
Been there, done that. The fatique may be real or not, but you are being used. Enough energy for s*x and fun but not for looking for medical help, work or chores. Get out now.
Anyone-for-tea? 8 months ago
Yes that’s the inconsistency that makes it obvious to me too. I have chronic pain and fatigue because of an illness, and hobbies and other, ahem, fun things, are the first things to get put aside when the fatigue is too much. Even if my bf is staying with me, and therefore helping with food prep and doing all the cleaning, it sometimes still leaves no energy for recreational activities. It’s such bullshít he still goes out with his friends whilst leaving his gf to do all the chores and not finding a job.
Load More Replies... Amelia Jade 8 months ago
I live with two separate chronic pain conditions. Depending on the day, I'm still able to work, manage a household, clean, etc. I even ride bikes, roller skate, play basketball, play pickleball. I just recently went on an amazing hike in the SF Bay area. Of course, I also have to be careful with all of this and manage my conditions carefully so I don't throw myself into a flare. I've had 20 years of dealing with doctors and learning to manage things. But that's the thing--I've had to go to doctors, get answers, find ways to live with this. I did that for myself because I don't want to just sit around feeling sorry for myself, but I also did that for my family. Even if he isn't faking, he's wearing himself down so that he has nothing left for his partner and that isn't fair to her.
Schmebulock 8 months ago
I knew from the first sentence that the solution was to dump him and move on.
Anna Drever 8 months ago
As someone with fibromyalgia it seems to me he's faking it. There’s not much you can do for the fatigue, although I’ve noticed I’m worse when I overdo sugar (but that may just be a me thing). For pain though some meds can be helpful. I’m on Nortriptyline which dulls the pain back to ‘background noise’. In flares I have my doctor’s permission to increase my dosage with the understanding that I’ll gradually bring it back to the original amount. Everyone seems to have different reactions to different meds, so what works for me might not work for someone else. There’s a few to try like Amitriptyline, Gabapentin, Pregabalin and others. Some folks tell fellow fibro sufferers to avoid certain ones, while others swear by them. It’s basically trial and error.
Apatheist Account2 8 months ago
He may not be faking, but not getting it investigated is a red flag. My wife has fibromyalgia and neuropathy, but we're seeing everyone we can in order to get some form of treatment. It's unlikely to be cured, but if you don't get it diagnosed, it will never get easier.
Susie Elle 8 months ago
Dude's faking it, and the tiny chance that he isn't, he's misusing it to control OP. There's zero effort for improvement, he just wants to f**k and laze around unless his friends come calling, then he's suddenly better. I just ... this is insane on a whole 'nother level. Dude even has the gall to criticise OP after she brings it up! He's succesfully gaslit her into being a bangmaid/caretaker. I'm getting pissed off just reading it
DC 8 months ago (edited)
That he's better whenever somebody else wants to do stuff with him, pretty much, gives it away that he's faking it. Everything else, I could imagine being somewhat true, given that we only get one side of the story and so forth ... but, this little snippet of facts, that he's fine the moment his bros turn up with a kayak, and in severe pain once the dishes are dirty, disables me from believing any of his painstory being true. Even if he distrusts the medical system, even if he has sort of a reason to do so, even if all those even-ifs are true - the pain won't care about your plans, and therefore, not go away as if it were scheduled to do so. Unless his friends spike his food with morphine before coming to ask if he's to join them, I don't see how he could be not lying, not faking, and not being an AH for giving an example of just that, which, as if it weren't bad enough as is, reflects back on all people, fake and real, claiming to have chronic pain. I don't want to be seen or treated as if I were equivalent to him. I'm not. We're not.
Load More Replies... 🇺🇦 🇵🇸 TribbleThinking 8 months ago
Well done for getting rid of him. 2 years wasted is better than 70 years chained to that draining parasite.
BP Aunt C 8 months ago
I’ve been living with chronic pain for three years. I’m doing everything I can to figure out what I can do to live a more pain-free life. Including seeing a palliative care doctor about every three weeks. Staying in constant contact with them. Trying different medications and stretches and therapies and so on and so forth. If you’re in this kind of pain, all you wanna do is be out of it. I wouldn’t even have stayed with him long enough to type out your letter. Best of luck.
DC 8 months ago
I have chronic pain. Not one of the strongest, I'm sure there's people having it way worse, and I know the struggles of not being taken seriously, because "The operation that you say caused your chronic pain has a success rate of 98% in not causing lasting complications!", well, yeah, I can derive from this that 2 % are not completely satisfied. This dude does not have chronic pain. If he had, he'd go - walk if able to, otherwise drive - anywhere and everywhere that offers a chance to ease it. Or, get a diagnosis in the first place. He's lazy, there's nothing more to it really, and he needs somebody enabling his laziety, by preventing him from living in the dumpster his place will turn into once you're gone and not replaced. Just hope for this to happen fast enough that he won't succeed in luring in another enabler.
Panda Kicki 8 months ago
Been there, done that. The fatique may be real or not, but you are being used. Enough energy for s*x and fun but not for looking for medical help, work or chores. Get out now.
Anyone-for-tea? 8 months ago
Yes that’s the inconsistency that makes it obvious to me too. I have chronic pain and fatigue because of an illness, and hobbies and other, ahem, fun things, are the first things to get put aside when the fatigue is too much. Even if my bf is staying with me, and therefore helping with food prep and doing all the cleaning, it sometimes still leaves no energy for recreational activities. It’s such bullshít he still goes out with his friends whilst leaving his gf to do all the chores and not finding a job.
Load More Replies... Amelia Jade 8 months ago
I live with two separate chronic pain conditions. Depending on the day, I'm still able to work, manage a household, clean, etc. I even ride bikes, roller skate, play basketball, play pickleball. I just recently went on an amazing hike in the SF Bay area. Of course, I also have to be careful with all of this and manage my conditions carefully so I don't throw myself into a flare. I've had 20 years of dealing with doctors and learning to manage things. But that's the thing--I've had to go to doctors, get answers, find ways to live with this. I did that for myself because I don't want to just sit around feeling sorry for myself, but I also did that for my family. Even if he isn't faking, he's wearing himself down so that he has nothing left for his partner and that isn't fair to her.
Schmebulock 8 months ago
I knew from the first sentence that the solution was to dump him and move on.
Anna Drever 8 months ago
As someone with fibromyalgia it seems to me he's faking it. There’s not much you can do for the fatigue, although I’ve noticed I’m worse when I overdo sugar (but that may just be a me thing). For pain though some meds can be helpful. I’m on Nortriptyline which dulls the pain back to ‘background noise’. In flares I have my doctor’s permission to increase my dosage with the understanding that I’ll gradually bring it back to the original amount. Everyone seems to have different reactions to different meds, so what works for me might not work for someone else. There’s a few to try like Amitriptyline, Gabapentin, Pregabalin and others. Some folks tell fellow fibro sufferers to avoid certain ones, while others swear by them. It’s basically trial and error.
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