When ur not engaged and from this single hand to yours, merry christmas. you are important and valued and santa loves you no matter how much bling you have. like, he brought me an individual sized ice cream maker, santa EMBRACES SINGLEDOM YA KNOW!? MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU OLD BUILDING AND LOANS xo -Mary

When ur not engaged and u cook a family sized meal but the family is just ur own lil tum tum which is fine can u imagine having to share food like someone is all like “babe can i try a lil?” dude no i need every one of these potatoes get out GET OUT JOSH

When ur not engaged and u wrote a lil birthday poem: ‘twas the night of ur bday and all through the kitchen, all ur dishes were clean, lol no guy helped pitch in.
ur presents were wrapped all cute with such care, by empowering folks who have always been there.
ur home was in order, just how u like. because u knew better than to go out with mike (i mean he insisted on neon plastic cubes for a side table, what is he insane? it’s not sustainable. but i digress...) now chickpeas! go travel! go invest! go explore! go buy ur own place! go build ur own store!


i can’t thank u enough for following along. even jenna from accounting is joining the throng (ugh maybe. she’s such a flake tho...) anyway thank u my dears, every woman (and man!) plz wear sunscreen, be kind, and never text dan.
xo
tacos and thanks,
Mary

When ur not engaged hangin in a cute lil sun bed watchin the paddle boaters go by who r all like “babe watch me.” no, babe, get on ur own paddle boat and paddle paddle paddle out to sea cuz u don’t have time to watch ur bf have fun while u “keep an eye on the stuff.” boy buy a waterproof bag! the gospel of of notengaged amen.

When ur not engaged and ur single and it’s valentine’s day and ur gonna get chinese food and movies just like a true single this day. and honestly it’s great. cuz ur gonna take back this day for self love or roomie love or best friend love cuz love will not be hijacked by flying babies with bows and arrows just for couples. YOU HEAR ME MY SINGLE CHICKPEA ARMY!? this day is for all. u r my internet valentine. its not just for jenna in accounting with her dumb ring and her crossfit fiancée. and guess what else? u survived the holidays, u survived new years, and now u’ve survived the last dumb little war on shoving this pressure of love down ur throats for the season. now we go, onto the breach for spring and discounted candies and all the good times. Blessed love u all. happy thursday. u r important and special and the best.

When ur not engaged waiting for the train and u look down and there are the remnants of a proposal gone wrong? breakup gone right? deadly florist battle? idk what happened here but im gonna go home and buy my own flowers, and i’ll be like “will u take urself and be the coolest person in whatever u do for the rest of ur life?” and u’ll be like “self, u had me at ‘after picking up shampoo im gonna get avocados for guacamole, they are on sale.’” until that guy texts me back tho we’ll see

When ur not engaged on ur not honeymoon havin a cute lil swim up to the cute lil swim up bar and ur unbejeweled left hand orders a strawberry daiquiri. poor me im single whatever shall i do can u imagine if u didn’t sweat about that tinder date and just did whatever u wanted? lol wear sunscreen! xo

When ur not engaged and u were able to get up early and do a three hour strenuous hike without anybody being like “but babe watch me swim” boy take a hike. with me. or don’t i don’t care im going anyway. attention plz if u do not get a photo of the blue domes ur flight will be cancelled xo blessed ps saw several lady hikers out there doin it on their own yasssss YASSSSSS

When ur not engaged and ppl r always like “ur such a good baker ur future husband is going to love that” um my future self is gonna love it in 5-7 minutes when im eating cookies in my tub and not tripping over lacrosse equipment blessed nail color is flour by opi

When ur not engaged and u do a cute lil popover to athens to see the parthenon and the temple of aphrodite to be all like “girl ur the ancient greek goddess of love! y r u wasting all ur energy on justins to kellys who can’t let go of one another’s hand on this tour for fear of being thought of as single for one moment and just take my picture?” and she’s like “dude they r NOT on me don’t put that on me im up on this hill tryin to get everyone to have realistic conversations about credit scores and instead they’re makin out in my temple. it’s like i rose from the foam of the sea for no reason”

When ur not engaged probably because every boy u loved in middle school turned out to be gay which is so weird because u both loved singing wicked so much at theater camp and he was such a good listener u were perfect together but now ur just so so v happy for at least some beautiful people to get married after so many years fighting for equality. happy pride chickpeas i’ll officiate all ur weddings, singing wicked and all xoxo

When ur not engaged celebrating a cute lil galentines day with ur sweet sweet friends who kick butt and make smart decisions even if we dont have wedding rings omg how do we ever get by or get a loan or fix our sinks we do we’re fine text me when u get home safe xoxo blessed happy galentines my starfish! im so proud of all of u

When ur not engaged and its saturday night and maaaan ur gonna go out and hit the clubs and meet all the guys cuz ur single self can do whatever she wa...im kidding im obviously cleaning my tub. y would i go to a club there are people there and there are no people in my tub thank god 

When ur not engaged and u catch ur coworker updating her wedding site during work hours and ur like does this mean i can spend work hours napping because i also can “never find the time” and “really need to get this done” xo

When ur not engaged ur apartment is clean, ur playin ur jams, and ur carbo loading for an entire night of sitting on ur couch by urself. didn’t pick up a single sock that wasn’t my own. life is good

When ur not engaged and u have retaken the island from the honeymooners and it is a free independent vacation ground once again. come my sisters, sit at ur restaurants urself, enjoy a platonic sunset and feast upon this new golden age! plz b advised all newlyweds will be arrested thank u

When ur not engaged headin home after ur cute lil adventure and u have the row to urself, ur fave fave movie (yes i also watched it going) and no bae to eye the flight attendant up and down while he “thought” u were “asleep” IM ALWAYS AWAKE  blessed thank u greece and cyprus for ur delicious food, kind people, and beaches im crying im leaving

When ur not engaged and u go to @nyfw to see some bridesmaid dresses u know u will probably have to wear sometime this year. and u show up and look like what can only be described as the pre-makeover anne hathaway in the devil wears prada? like i wore rain boots and a less elegant messy bun. but it’s totally cool because this guy asked for my number. and by number i mean asked the number of croissants i had taken. nobody else was eating!!!!

When ur not engaged and u lived a full year alone by urself like a grown up and u figured out ur own internet package without a man explaining mbps to u and u’ve figure out how to fix ur sink on ur own (always have extra towels ) and u left the house every day with tied shoes, i mean how!? how does one do this on their own!? blessings upon you, goddess of luck, for how can one survive on their own for so long im jk it’s easy just do it i love u

When ur not engaged and u put up a heavy mirror urself, held a very dramatic lip sync concert to “it’s all comin back to me now” multiple times, and fixed ur router. u chickpea r queen goddess ruler of saturday nights at home. there is no law and order unwatched. no bag of milanos untouched. no pants shall grace ur yoga legs. ur the gosh darn freakin coolest lil cutie and ur twelve year old self is so proud

When ur not engaged out on the lake chillin with ur friends and their baes and they r like “in laws” and “babe y did u do that??” and “ugh fine” and ur all like “” and “i fixed my own sink!” and “no i don’t want to meet ur friend paul”

When ur not engaged and ur like “yea go usa!” and jaysonnn is like “omg when did u learn about sports? do u actually know sports? let me ask u this really specific question about sports to test if u really know about...” but u cut jaysonnn off by eating him alive because how bout nobody quiz u if ur just happily enjoying a game and bonding in sportswomanship. i somehow managed to watch the game without a boyfriend explaining the rules. lol but what do i know. o the rules. blessed great game hope u get paid equally xo

When ur not engaged at a cute lil fancy hotel and the concierge is like “champagne? o sorry, miss, r u under 21?” and ur like “lol im 31” and she’s like “what’s ur secret!?” and ur like “im very single lol cheers” save on night cream. stay single. (ok but also night cream and drink water)

When ur not engaged but u have soup which can honestly replace a boyfriend. it’s warm and cozy on a cold night. it fulfills ur soul. u can force a waiter to take it away when ur done. it’s perfect.

When ur not engaged and u go a lil race car driving which is like so cute cute cute in ur lil helmet and ur racin around on ur own and there r no couples cuz all the cars r one seat so nobody can be like “bebe i’ll drive” like no u won’t rodney imma speed demon. blessed lol where am i but also this was super fun and should we all be empowering lady go kart drivers!? chickpeas racing army omg let’s make jackets

When ur not engaged at a cute lil bbq and all ur friends r like running after their kids and ur friend is like “sit with ! is single!” and ur like “has a neck tattoo and hasn’t watched brooklyn 99 im just gonna eat another burger and leave without telling anyone” blessed don’t let ur friends set u up with anyone who is “a really nice guy...once u get to know him!!!” he probably has gambling debts! xo

When ur not engaged and it’s ur job to bring the squash which really translates to squashing ur grandma’s hopes of u finding a boyfriend by thursday. if your relatives give you a hard time this weekend, refuse to fix their laptops they’ve been saving for u. change their wifi passwords. reclaim this day of eating my sisters. it is ours for the taking

When ur not engaged cuz ur real true love is curating cheese boards and honestly if guys could be more like cheese we wouldn’t have any problems here. silky and good with a lil cocktail. instead they’re like “i don’t own a colander but i have three stereos”

When ur not engaged and u chipped ur nails during the v stressful times of drinking mojitos on 12 foot clear waters swimming where aphrodite sprung from sea foam to be the goddess of love. o woe is me life is so hard without a bae. yes good sir these are my salty tears not the bright blue waters of the mediterranean