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Boundaries are essential in every relationship. They indicate what is and isn’t appropriate in people’s interactions. However, due to a lack of awareness, self-centered behavior, or unclear communication, some individuals may feel like they can test or violate them.
Like this woman, who constantly barged in unannounced with her kids to her brother’s house. Even though his girlfriend tried re-establishing their boundaries a few times, the family didn’t care, which made her take more extreme measures.
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Boundaries are there to establish what is and isn’t okay in a relationship
Image credits: Daniel Martinez / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Unfortunately, this woman violated every limit her SIL tried to set, which resulted in the couple breaking up
Image credits: Mesut çiçen / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Ksenia Makagonova / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Own_Information9013
“Boundaries let others know how they should treat us and how far they can go”
When a person ignores a negative response from others, does the opposite of what they were asked, or mocks the requests they receive, they’re violating boundaries. Knowing when someone trespasses on other people’s limits is important to maintaining healthy relationships.
“Boundaries let others know how they should treat us and how far they can go,” says clinical and educational psychologist, Aura De Los Santos. “They are a form of security we have against what we do not want in our life. Boundaries protect us from situations we don’t want to be in and provide us with well-being and satisfaction,” she says.
In any relationship, boundaries might be disrespected because they weren’t communicated clearly or confidently enough. Any hesitation or confusion can invite others to violate them. People might also be more likely to test the limits if they aren’t reinforced every time they’re disrespected. In case they don’t suffer any consequences for their disrespectful behavior, it can motivate them to do it next time too. It’s also possible that the person who violates boundaries lacks self-awareness and how it affects others.
With a more particular example, like the in-laws, it could be that the partner’s family members overstep boundaries because they see it as a way to maintain control over their family dynamics or decisions, as change in family structure or roles can be frightening.
Image credits: Hrant Khachatryan / unsplash (not the actual photo)
When establishing boundaries with in-laws, the partner’s support is very important
When establishing or re-establishing boundaries with in-laws, the partner’s support is very important. It’s even better if the couple creates limits together, which allows them to grow and become one unit rather than being separated.
A starting point should be to address the issue that is bothering the couple. Then discuss it together. The partner whose family is perhaps a bit too controlling or intrusive still sees them as an important part of their life, so it’s important to talk openly about these issues before bringing them to the in-laws.
Then, if the couple agrees that there’s a boundary that needs to be established, they should talk about it with the family. The in-laws may find it hard to understand the reason they’re feeling that way so it’s important to explain why they think their behaviors have a negative impact on their lives. After they communicate this sensibly, they should be clear and firm about the limits they want to set and add potential consequences if they’re violated.
In case this isn’t helpful, other alternative boundaries might be established, like limiting how much time is spent together or avoiding talking about certain topics.
At times, setting boundaries might feel like an uphill battle, but don’t lose your patience. “If you plan to have a long-term relationship, play the long game,” says Erin Rayburn, a couples therapist and founder of Evergreen Therapy. “Try to make incremental changes and be gracious to your partner’s family. It’s important to remember that regardless of how you feel, they are your loved one’s family and you need to keep that in mind for the good of your relationship with your partner.”
Image credits: Kateryna Hliznitsova / unsplash (not the actual photo)
The author provided more details in the comments
Most readers justified the original poster’s behavior
While others thought that she was a jerk for staying with the guy for so long
Later, the woman posted an update
Image credits: Nini FromParis / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Michal Balog / unsplash (not the actual photo)
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What do you think ?
Anne Jones 5 days ago
She deserves so much better. I’m so glad she escaped from this toxic situation.
KatSaidWhat 4 days ago
SIL wins, everyone loses though because now who is going to make her dinner without an invite? Hope OP gets the nice life she deserves.
brandyy17 4 days ago
in all honesty even if u love the person ur with but they have a toxic family and dont set boundaries its better to leave for ur own mental health. i did it once. i dated an amazing guy but his family was beyond toxic. he set absolutely no boundaries. the thing that made me end it was on christmas. i kno its mean but he caused a disaster. before the holiday we decided to spilt the christmas eat dinner with one and dessert with the other. my family has a tradition which he said he was fine with so dinner would b with my family. we open gifts in age order then eat. it started with my grandma bc she had 9 siblings so it was to avoid chaos and everyone saw wat everyone got. he respected that. however wen he got to my house his 4 sisters, parents, aunts and uncles and cousins all came with him. not only did we not kno about this meaning not enough food for everyone but my house wasnt big enough to accomadate that many ppl. i pulled him aside and said his family had to leave not only bc of the food issue but bc we had 22 ppl and theyd have to wait until all presents were opened. some of my family wasnt even there yet. wen he said they all wanted to come i told him i wouldve said his parents and siblings wouldve been fine if i knew ahead of time but not his whole family. he got angry at me and i told him if they didnt leave it was over between us. he yelled even louder and then my grandpa walked up to us and said if he cannot respect my wishes his only choice is to leave with his family. it turned into both sides arguing with each other bc he wouldnt respect or listen to wat i was saying. i yelled for everyone to stop broke up with him and told him now he has no reason to b here and leave. he refused to and so did his family. my mom ended up calling the cops which is how they eventually left. i blocked all of them everywhere right then and there. i even blocked his friends. once things calmed down we completely stopped thinking about wat happened and went on with our family tradition. the worst part about it all was his 2 little cousins thinking all the gifts were for them and went to open them. my 3 nephews stopped them thankfully. there was at least 100 gifts under the tree due to everyone in my family dropping off presents before christmas. i get it kids would b amazed to see that but we werent their family. alot of his family members thought the amount of gifts was too much for my family and said they should have some. thats how the arguement mainly began. they tried eating all the appetizers too. my family basically blocked them from getting anything since they were never invited and it was very clear my ex wasnt listening. he had a kind heart and great personality but his ability to never say no to his family and me finally standing up to him about it showed me he cared more about them then me. i noticed a huge change after he was out of my life. i felt more confident about things i did, my anxeity disorder wasnt triggering nonstop, i felt no depression everything was just better. after that any guy i dated who had toxic family issues whether it was no boundaries or they hated id leave without a second thought cuz i didnt want a repeat of my ex. now i have been married for 4 years to an incredible man which an amazing family who r just as kind as he is. if ur in a relationship and its effecting ur health whether its mental, emotional or physical health prioritized ur health over the relationship if its not fixable.
Wendy Melissa 4 days ago
Funny in the beginning she mentioned how his family sees every Ex in their family's lives as the problem. It's very clear to see why they think this. The family are self centred people with no respect for boundries and when a boss/partner/friend can no longer tolerate being used and bails the family looses their cheese and now the new EX is the bad guy. Glad she made it out before marriage or children.
Scott Rackley 4 days ago
Yup. Let me see here, which variable stays the same?
Load More Replies... Mark Childers 4 days ago
I am tired of reading these stories where people stay in bad relationships because they see breaking up as a "failure." All relationships come to an end in some way. The most "successful" couples end when one of them dies. Friendships, coworker relationships, and others break up all the time for so many reasons. It's not a failure to break up or a success to stay together. It only matters that both people are happy. If so, they're successful.
Kim Shannon 4 days ago
She dodged a huge, HUGE bullet with this guy and his family. She's smart to have gotten all the way out. That relationship was never gonna end well.
Mad McQueen 4 days ago
Been there and did exactly that. And it wasn't him calling me that day I left but his mother. I explained all the lies I had been told and how he hadn't even bothered to call or text me. Been since 2006 an I'm married since 2015 an happy without a leech.
Mongo Marcia 4 days ago
I'd show up at her house very hungry. Of course I show up at everyone's house hungry.
Anne Jones 5 days ago
She deserves so much better. I’m so glad she escaped from this toxic situation.
KatSaidWhat 4 days ago
SIL wins, everyone loses though because now who is going to make her dinner without an invite? Hope OP gets the nice life she deserves.
brandyy17 4 days ago
in all honesty even if u love the person ur with but they have a toxic family and dont set boundaries its better to leave for ur own mental health. i did it once. i dated an amazing guy but his family was beyond toxic. he set absolutely no boundaries. the thing that made me end it was on christmas. i kno its mean but he caused a disaster. before the holiday we decided to spilt the christmas eat dinner with one and dessert with the other. my family has a tradition which he said he was fine with so dinner would b with my family. we open gifts in age order then eat. it started with my grandma bc she had 9 siblings so it was to avoid chaos and everyone saw wat everyone got. he respected that. however wen he got to my house his 4 sisters, parents, aunts and uncles and cousins all came with him. not only did we not kno about this meaning not enough food for everyone but my house wasnt big enough to accomadate that many ppl. i pulled him aside and said his family had to leave not only bc of the food issue but bc we had 22 ppl and theyd have to wait until all presents were opened. some of my family wasnt even there yet. wen he said they all wanted to come i told him i wouldve said his parents and siblings wouldve been fine if i knew ahead of time but not his whole family. he got angry at me and i told him if they didnt leave it was over between us. he yelled even louder and then my grandpa walked up to us and said if he cannot respect my wishes his only choice is to leave with his family. it turned into both sides arguing with each other bc he wouldnt respect or listen to wat i was saying. i yelled for everyone to stop broke up with him and told him now he has no reason to b here and leave. he refused to and so did his family. my mom ended up calling the cops which is how they eventually left. i blocked all of them everywhere right then and there. i even blocked his friends. once things calmed down we completely stopped thinking about wat happened and went on with our family tradition. the worst part about it all was his 2 little cousins thinking all the gifts were for them and went to open them. my 3 nephews stopped them thankfully. there was at least 100 gifts under the tree due to everyone in my family dropping off presents before christmas. i get it kids would b amazed to see that but we werent their family. alot of his family members thought the amount of gifts was too much for my family and said they should have some. thats how the arguement mainly began. they tried eating all the appetizers too. my family basically blocked them from getting anything since they were never invited and it was very clear my ex wasnt listening. he had a kind heart and great personality but his ability to never say no to his family and me finally standing up to him about it showed me he cared more about them then me. i noticed a huge change after he was out of my life. i felt more confident about things i did, my anxeity disorder wasnt triggering nonstop, i felt no depression everything was just better. after that any guy i dated who had toxic family issues whether it was no boundaries or they hated id leave without a second thought cuz i didnt want a repeat of my ex. now i have been married for 4 years to an incredible man which an amazing family who r just as kind as he is. if ur in a relationship and its effecting ur health whether its mental, emotional or physical health prioritized ur health over the relationship if its not fixable.
Wendy Melissa 4 days ago
Funny in the beginning she mentioned how his family sees every Ex in their family's lives as the problem. It's very clear to see why they think this. The family are self centred people with no respect for boundries and when a boss/partner/friend can no longer tolerate being used and bails the family looses their cheese and now the new EX is the bad guy. Glad she made it out before marriage or children.
Scott Rackley 4 days ago
Yup. Let me see here, which variable stays the same?
Load More Replies... Mark Childers 4 days ago
I am tired of reading these stories where people stay in bad relationships because they see breaking up as a "failure." All relationships come to an end in some way. The most "successful" couples end when one of them dies. Friendships, coworker relationships, and others break up all the time for so many reasons. It's not a failure to break up or a success to stay together. It only matters that both people are happy. If so, they're successful.
Kim Shannon 4 days ago
She dodged a huge, HUGE bullet with this guy and his family. She's smart to have gotten all the way out. That relationship was never gonna end well.
Mad McQueen 4 days ago
Been there and did exactly that. And it wasn't him calling me that day I left but his mother. I explained all the lies I had been told and how he hadn't even bothered to call or text me. Been since 2006 an I'm married since 2015 an happy without a leech.
Mongo Marcia 4 days ago
I'd show up at her house very hungry. Of course I show up at everyone's house hungry.
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