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Man Starts Resenting Wife After She Almost Dies Because Of Pregnancy, Asks For Divorce
Interview With Expert
Even though most women are naturally able to have children, not all of them are made out of mother material. And we, as a society, are doing a great job at spreading the message that motherhood is a choice, not the inevitable or obligation, making people already more accustomed to this idea. However, there are still times when women crumble under societal pressure, which leads them to make choices they don’t necessarily want.
This Reddit user recently shared how she was set on not having children but her partner said all the right things to convince her otherwise. After she gave in and endured a traumatic pregnancy and postpartum period, her husband decided to leave. Despite him wanting a clean slate, she wasn’t going to be a single mom and passed the full daughter’s custody to him, turning the tables around.
Scroll down to find the full story and conversation with Christina Rhyser, parental wellness educator, coach, and founder of Parental Burnout Center, who kindly agreed to talk with us more about non-custodial mothers.
Admittedly, not all women are made to be mothers
Image credits: Maierean Andrei / pexels (not the actual photo)
This Redditor felt like she definitely wasn’t cut out to be a mom, but her partner convinced her otherwise, and now she’s suffering the consequences
Image credits: nd3000 / envato (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Budget-Fishing7420
The number of non-custodial mothers is growing
Image credits: Kristina Paukshtite / pexels (not the actual photo)
Even though most women work and earn similarly to men, even outperforming them in some ways, they are still the ones who primarily care for their children. In fact, they spend at least twice the amount of time than men do trying to juggle childcare and household responsibilities in addition to their personal activities.
In the case of divorce, 2018 data shows that almost 80% of the time custodial rights are passed down to women. It’s a 2.6% decline from 2014, showing that the number of non-custodial mothers is growing.
Despite paying more in child support than fathers (almost double) and being significantly less likely to abandon their children after divorce, female parents are still seen as horrible mothers when they give up their children’s custody rights. Unfortunately, over 2 million non-custodial mothers in the US have to live with such a perception every day.
“I don’t believe it is ever fair to judge a woman (or a man) for giving up their custodial rights, whether they were pressured into becoming parents or not,” says Christina Rhyser, parental wellness educator, coach, and founder of Parental Burnout Center to Bored Panda. “Judging others for difficult choices only brings shame and division and pushes them further away from receiving any help they might need.”
Even though we might not approve of such behavior, no human should ever be stripped of respect, she says. We need to understand that sometimes the best thing a parent can do for their children is to let go of them.
“Having grace for one another is not the same as granting blanket approval for any/all behaviors. All choices have desirable and undesirable outcomes that must be accepted—but one of these outcomes should NEVER be being stripped of our inherent value as humans, who are always worthy of dignity and respect. Judgment has no place here.”
One reason why parents might feel the need to leave their children is parental burnout
Image credits: Yan Krukau / pexels (not the actual photo)
One big reason why parents might feel the need to leave their children is parental burnout. “Parenthood is stressful enough as it is when freely chosen, but when obligation comes into play, the stress can become insurmountable and may ultimately lead to child abandonment (among other risks),” explains Rhyser.
“Parental burnout is a real, diagnosable (and treatable) syndrome caused by trying too hard for too long to manage too much parenting stress without enough resources. Emotional exhaustion; emotional distancing from our kids; and a lost sense of joy and fulfillment in the parental role are three main symptoms,” she says.
More extreme cases of burnout can manifest in yelling and uncontrolled outbursts, feelings of exasperation and confinement, longing for a different lifestyle, fantasizing about ways to escape from their families, as well as self-harm and substance abuse. “It’s no laughing matter, to say the least,” stresses Rhyser.
Often, people who surround mothers aren’t any help either. They are often guilty of providing advice like “Just take a nap,” “Be more patient,” “Stop freaking out,” “Keep pushing through,” or “Enjoy it while you can.”
“If only it was that easy,” says Rhyser. “What if she needs more help than that? What if she needs an extended break? What if she doesn’t want to be a mom anymore? We need to be able to ask and answer these questions without fear of condemnation
and judgment.”
Rhyser stresses that it’s important that we acknowledge that all women are unique, individual human beings whose needs, desires, and contributions matter the exact same as anyone else’s. “Choosing to become—or not to become—a mother is possibly the most personal and life-changing decision to be made. To allow women the freedom to make this choice for themselves is a matter of human dignity at its most fundamental level.”
The author provided more information in the comments
A lot of eaders felt bad that the child has such parents
Some were more empathetic towards the mom
While others thought she was the jerk
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What do you think ?
Bowtechie 1 month ago
Yikes. That kid is going to have it rough because she was born to two people who really shouldn't have had kids in the first place. I'm definitely on the ESH train. Honestly, if she would have given her up for adoption if her husband had died, she may as well take that same course now because he clearly does not want to be a father any more than she wants to be a mother.
Sathe Wesker 1 month ago
I completely agree with all of this. Definitely on the ESH train as well, but I gotta admit that first YTA I really agreed with too. When I read she just kissed her daughter and left her with a violent man who just admitted he didn’t want the responsibility. I was stunned. She couldn’t have ANYONE to help her for at least that one night? Nah, both seem really off to me.
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AbandonAllHope 1 month ago
Men do the same s**t all the time, they refuse to use BC and this asshat coerced her int o having a baby, then has the gall to get mad cuz he has to take responsibility??? F that noise. She did the right thing.
Adz86 1 month ago
You should need to pass a test to be able ro reproduce. These people where both incapable of genuinely loving a child from the get go. Poor kid I hope she gets adopted to a nice family before she's too old to remember how bad these monsters are.
Sojourner 1 month ago
Sex and reproduction are one of the few things the rich and poor can both have. Making people have to pass a test is inhumane.
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lenka 1 month ago (edited)
Yes everyone is an AH and the only one who loses out here is the baby. But I would like to point out the absolute double standard of the comments on this post. Men do this to women every f*****g day (supported by statistics on single parent households worldwide). They refuse sole custody of their kids, refuse the have the kids half of the time or during the hard slog of mid week school/life/parenting and often only want their kids on weekends so they can be the fun dad and still live their life. And Yes, yes #notallmen. But I work in family law and I see it enough to know that it is a lot of men. The number of men who come to me and say I want to spend time with my kid(s) but only on [my terms] is so astounding. So to everyone who has stated or implied that the mother is a piece of s**t for not wanting to be a single parent while failing to recognize that the vast majority of single parents are women because men abandon their kids ALL THE TIME without the suffering the staggering hate, really need to check their bias.
LittleWombat 1 month ago (edited)
THIS SHOULD BE NUMBER 1!!! I can VOUCH for how f'ing hard it is to be a single disabled mother, while my kid's dad shows up once every month or 2 to be the fun guy for a few hours. He is out every weekend with his girlfriend for getaways, during the week with his friends, the fun never ends for him. No one judges him - he's the dad. But if I did the same thing as a mom?! Even as someone who can barely walk, I'd still be thought of as garbage. I'm thrilled I have my daughter, no doubt! But the OP obviously KNEW how things go and didn't want this lonely life that takes everything out of you when she was very clear w this guy that she was never going to go through it. Obviously the guy doesn't want that life for himself either... but he doesn't seem to want adoption. He wants the OP to keep her and do all the work so he can stop by and be the fun dad once in a while too.
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Kay 1 month ago
I think the mother is just extremely honest about not being able to be the primary parent for the child with her health issues. She does not sound like an ah to me, she sounds mature and like she knows of her limitations and wants the best for her daughter. "What good will I be for her in 8-10 years when I can't work anymore" this hit hard
Bookworm 1 month ago
Yes I feel like everyone is just glossing over OP's health issues. I think if the father doesn't want her then they should be looking at giving their daughter up for adoption.
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WonderWoman 1 month ago
Society rarely knocks a man for walking out the door in a divorce and leaving the kids behind. This is the same thing with the roles reversed. She told him upfront that she would never be a single mother and she is sticking to it. Men walk out every single day and society doesn't even give them a side eye, they are accepted in polite society. Single moms though, they are the bad guys. That neither parent want full custody of this child is very sad and she would probably do better in a different home.
Sophia Athene 3 weeks ago
It's not only that she would be a single parent. She can't physically care for her. It's the responsible thing to do and share custody.
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FluffyDreg 1 month ago
While i feel bad for the child. Blaming the mom is foolish and short sighted. (Aside from leaving daughter with a violent and unstable man.) Peoples primary "solution" is for mom to.... break herself physically and mentally on a hard task she wasn't going to be able to do well while able, much less disabled. She wants to be there but is aware that she simply physically cannot do it. She would end up in the hospital. So her first thought is to have the man who preassured her into having their child have full custody. Because he wanted a child in the first place. I do think, in this case, trying to force her onto the abusive man who doesn't want her is stupid. Adoption should be the way she goes.
Calunii 1 month ago
My issue is that it seems that she had already decided that she would abandon her child even before the health issues. She indicated that she wouldn't want to be a single mom and therefore was hesitant on having children. However, the moment you do decide on having a child you need to take responsibility. As someone else mentioned, the 'dad' could have also died. Anything could lead you to becoming a single parent. If you're not up for that simply don't have children. It's that easy. I hope they do put the child up for adoption because neither deserve her
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cyndi hafele 1 month ago
Poor Ramona. One day she'll be old enough to understand that neither of her parents wanted her. I don't know how a child gets over that.
Abraxas59 1 month ago
As a child of a father as killed my mother I can answer that you don’t ! It sticks with you ok slightly diff but in my case my father didn’t want me either my grandmother bought me up and he blamed me for mum dying when I was 8 mths old I only found out the awful truth when I was 46 he hated me blamed me so ramona will feel lost hurt insecure all her life cos of them she will never get over it
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Atom Bohr 1 month ago
And this is why every person thinking of having a child should fully understand and accept that pregnancy can cause life changing and ending complications, and that they might well end us as a single parent in the future. If they aren't fully able to accept and embrace both potential futures, they shouldn't be having children. End of.
Bernd Herbert 1 month ago
What an a*****e. His wife almost died and he’s blaming her for that then? I don’t get it.
Lyoness 1 month ago
Me neither, but a shocking number of married people bail when things get rough. Illness, disability, death of a child or family member, dealing with a child with special needs. These things can either bring a couple together or tear them apart and in this case it's definitely the latter. Poor kid. Fingers crossed she's adopted.
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Broad Panda 1 month ago
I feel like the Dad thought his wife would do all the baby care, so he resents her, and the Mum spent so much time away from her baby that she possibly didn't bond to her. This whole mess is heartbreaking.
Jessie 6 days ago
I don’t think she would’ve really bonded even if she was around her daughter 24/7. She made it clear she didn’t want children to begin with and the feeling of “oh wow this is my baby that I produced and I love my baby now that I have her/him in my arms!” does not come naturally to everyone.
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Janelle Collard 1 month ago
I feel sorry for OP + the baby. The ex just wants to be single so he can start over. A**h***e.
Julia Cargile 1 month ago
Please, put that child up for adotion so someone can love her likes she deserves.
FreeTheUnicorn 1 month ago
Find an adoptive family for Ramona asap. Dad is violent and Mom can't be a single mother. Don't subject her to years of fighting over who has to take her. There are good parents out there, go through a reputable agency and find her a safe and loving home.
Nimitz 1 month ago
Calling b******t on the "I would never abandon her" stuff. The father becomes irrational and starts seeming violent so she kisses the baby on the head and leaves her in a potentially dangerous situation? I've been in that situation, worrying about a baby being in danger from someone who's a threat. Constantly checking and freaking out, doing your best to ensure the baby's safe while being trapped in a horror show. No no no no no. These are BAD people and that kid is not safe. F**k that guy and f**k her too. Self centered and abusive parents should be prosecuted, but instead they commit crimes and get off the hook over and over
DeadCat WithAFlamethrower 1 month ago
How to tell which commenters on Reddit have never had kids: anyone who blamed the mother even after she stated she literally didn't have the physical health due to what sounds like downplayed disability to be a single parent, much less ever wanted to be one.
Bookworm 1 month ago
NTA for not wanting full custody of the daughter. She signed up for co-parenting a child, not single motherhood because ex-husband can't be bothered (and probably won't even pay child support). YTA for leaving the daughter with Alex once it became clear he was trying to shove her off onto OP. Forcing a baby onto a 'borderline violent' man who wants to get rid of her... there's no excuse. You don't have to take her yourself, but you need to find someone else (adoption), because Alex is an unfit parent.
Mark Childers 1 month ago
I find it so funny that men do this all the time. My own father did this. But a woman puts herself first, and everyone has a problem with it. If the husband wants children, he should take care of them when the wife does not. Childcare is on both parents, not just the mother.
The_Nicest_Misanthrope 1 month ago (edited)
Jesus, this one's pretty f****d up, even for Reddit. Poor kid.
Deborah B 1 month ago
OFFS, just give the kid up for adoption if neither of you is interested in being a primary parent. He's definately an a*****e, pushing for a kid, then dumping his wife when pregnancy destroys her health, and thinking he can leave his disabled wife as sole parent of a baby, then dumping the baby on him mum. But she's an a*****e too, walking out and leaving the baby with the man who was becoming violent. Yeah, you told him up front you didn't plan to ever be a single parent, but as we all say to the deadbeat dads, the kid is here, it's your responsibility, and you should be taking 50% custody. If neither of you is willing to take 50% custody, let alone more, then place the baby for adoption.
Alexandra 1 month ago
Why do women n always have to bear the brunt of men unwilling to take care of their children? This whole story has 2 victims: the child, for obvious reasons and the mother because despite her limited capacity to do so, her ex-husbands callous attitude towards his child will force her into making decisions that are bad for her and the child. He agreed on having a child and he should take responsibility. Obviously leaving the child with him will result, inevitably, in harm to the child. So, make him pay not only for child maintenance, but also for the added help the mother needs in order to care for her child full-time. Also, it's not as if the mother doesn't want to take care of her child: she wants her father to take care of the child as well. Is that such a strange thing to ask?
Roberta Schrote 1 month ago
Mothers always seem to get vilified for putting their own goals first. I don't think I have ever seen a man criticized for choosing his career as the top priority. Even today, in 2024, ,stay-at-home-fathers often get the gimlet eye. Double standard per usual. I don't think OP is wrong and she's well rid of her immature husband.
StumblingThroughLife 1 month ago (edited)
Coercion is always a fail. She wasn't eager to have kids due to her health & not ending up being a single parent (not all women get broody/motherly), because she knew she wouldn't cope (not a good mix) but his assurances turned out to be lies. Some peeps out there don't have motherly urges. It's something that happens in all species. I don't think she's an AH, I think he is - by coercing her into have a baby and then went back on all his promises, and it's obvious he expected her to bring up their child alone, while he walked away with his self-righteous attitude. How dare a woman not be the nurturer, eh? I Couldn't walk away myself, but I am trying to be fair. It just annoys me that it's always women who get treated like s**t when they aren't physically or emotionally able to cope with bringing up kids alone - especially when emotionally blackmailed/assured by their OH that they'll stay by their side if they agree to have one.
Sarah Matsoukis 1 month ago
Don't have kids if you don't really want to. It just won't end well.
Lola July 1 month ago
This child is young enough to be adopted quickly! She will not sit in foster care. They should finally do the best for their child and give her to a family that is longing to have her. The mother isn't doing her child right by trying to force the "father" to be a father. Obviously she isn't healthy mentally or physically either. They are both TA's unless they let her go.
tori Ohno 1 month ago
A man so weak that he becomes hateful to his wife just because she gets sick is an abomination. The wife has already admitted to being open to put the baby up for adoption, so just do it. Neither want her. This is why I'm so terrified of our reproductive rights being taken away from us. Too many unwanted kids. These two would have been fine if he hadn't been such a selfish jackwad.
Meagan Glaser 1 month ago
Funny how if a woman wants shared custody, it's "abandoning" the child. Everyone screams about how the kid is totally unwanted and mom isn't willing to do 50/50. Apparantly we're still stuck on "kids are the moms job"
Nina 1 month ago
Really have the feeling people are missing the part thr mother is still disabled and has to do a lot more to manage her health than before her pregnancy. If you know you're going to drown if you need to carry another person, doesn't it make more sense to have someone else do the geavy lifting? Looks like the dad is resenting the work it takes to raise a child, instead of stepping up when his wife got ill he got pissed he actually needed to take care of his own child. So despite all his reassurances she didn't need to carry the load alone, now that is exactly what he wants her to do.
Fox with a Dragon Tattoo 1 month ago (edited)
Something about this... well multiple somethings about this whole story feel off. Im not saying its fake, though I wouldn't be remotely surprised if it was. But at very least a ton of info is missing and things dont add up. Best case scenario if its real and close to accurate ESH so so so much. Except the poor probably fake child.
Marno C. 1 month ago
I really wish someone asked OP, "Are you saying that due to your health conditions you are now physically unable to care for your child 1-1 only for a couple of days every couple weeks? How does your physical condition affect your return to work? Would you have the ability to work less but childcare more if the finances were different?" OP seems to implying some of this but not outright saying it. I'd want to know before rendering judgment. Some health conditions make it very challenging to raise a child without someone to help nearby.
Beth Wheeler 1 month ago
Husband is a complete jerk because life isn't all hunky dorie because of her having major medical problems that almost killed her. He doesn't want her or the be baby after pushing for kids. She doesn't want any custody at all because of her problems and would have put her up for adoption if he had died even if she wasn't sick They need to do a private adoption for this baby since neither of them want her.. I can't imagine not wanting my kids.
Space Invader 1 month ago
First YTA is contradictory, because if the husband is an AH too (as they admit), it should be ESH.
Curry on... 1 month ago
Poor little girl. They both suck. Dad is the worse of the two in my opinion. He wanted the child. He either has someone waiting on him, or he's looking forward to being free and single.
Ioana Mircea 1 month ago (edited)
Both are a-holes but men need to understand a kid is their responsibility too, especially when they're the one pressing their wife to have those kids. Some women are not fit to be mothers and some, like this woman are willing to actually admit it. In her place I would've devised a prenup mentioning the terms. Fk that. If men do it to protect their assets, so can women to protect their mental health. PS: are people here really ignoring the fact this woman nearly died and the a-hole is the one upset and "out of love"??? For that alone he deserves to have to take care of that kid and be a full time parent. You wanted kids? There you go. Oh? You don't want to be a single dad?? too bad. She neither wants to be a single mom and would not have been one if you would not have insisted on the baby topic :) PPS: I do agree, this kid deserves to be adopted by a family that loves her :)
Megan Tones 1 month ago
What a horrible situation. If the child stays with the parents, they will all need a lot of support. This is why both parents need to be 100% on board with having children and discuss scenarios like what if one parent becomes severely disabled or dies (or what if the child has a serious disability). It's not something you can really compromise on. You cannot have 1/2 a child.
CBolt 1 month ago
NTA What a sad situation & OP has been so rational in facing her limitations, despite the harsh criticism. Imagine the s***storm that's going to rain down on her if they do give up this little girl for adoption. Given his behavior, the father doesn't deserve to have joint custody, much less sole custody. What's his problem anyway? He had some romanticized idea of parenthood, gave OP assurances abt his participation in parenting so she agreed to have achild. She had a very difficult & dangerous pregnancy &, post partum, came close to dieing. So, Dad becomes angry at her - did he think she was faking all this? Furthermore, he had to do the things he had assured OP he would do: be a parent. And that made him angry too. It was hard. It wasn't all rainbows & unicorns - it was work (glad he got to see what moms go through). So now he wants out - OP has health issues & babies need so much of your time & attention - not what he signed up for. And he doesn't really want custody, even shared -
Beak Hookage 1 month ago
The husband sounds like an abuser. Leaving a small child with him is a terrible idea.
Ioana Mircea 1 month ago
He was alone with her for months while his wife was away in the hospital. Pretty sure if he wanted to do something to the kid he would've by then. So no risk there, stop dramatizing. If she took the baby then he would've been in another state by morning and the child would've been solely in her care, which she did say she wanted to avoid.
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CM Kar 3 days ago
OP left her daughter with a violent man, and should have been the one to protect her. I'm also a single mom and my child's protector against her father and anyone else that would want to harm her. I lost all respect for OP after that. She doesn't love her daughter. Parenting is sacrifice. My ex will answer to God and so will her ex. I never wanted to be a single parent but I am. And you know what? It's easier because he's out of the picture mostly. It's not the child's fault. There are lots of resources out there to help.
Kit Black 3 weeks ago
I love everyone saying she ought to put the child up for adoption, as if that's something she can do without his consent... The dude is selfish to the extreme - he doesn't want any of the responsibility, he just wants to claim he has a kid. If he allows her to put the child up for adoption, then he looks as bad as he is. Her health is shot, and she is not physically capable of caring for this child long term. She has pointed out that if she were able, she would put the baby up for adoption, but remain in her life and support her to the best of her ability. But nobody's getting mad because the father won't consent to an adoption?!?
rosalia gurkenstein 3 weeks ago (edited)
they are both bad and shouldn't had a child at all. But the bigger fault lies with him, he badly wanted to reproduce, not be a dad seemingly, as he easily throws that away then his wife isn't the picture perfect wife and wants to try again. She didn't want kids, he coerced her, then something really traumatising happened to her and she couldn't bond with her child. How was she supposed to love that child like a normal mother, she was on the fence to begin with (and that often is a good indicator that loving a child could be harder or impossible), almost died, which can absolutely destroy that sliver of blossoming love for a child and then couldn't care for her in the first few months, that are really integral to people that are not 100% commited to this, to form a bond. They really should let her be adopted by people that will love her, that seems to be the only actual act of love these two could ever give their child. Let her be free and loved by people that want her unconditionally
Ivy at Eve 3 weeks ago
Once again, there is one person left with the sort straw: a child that has never asked to be born. Upto a point, I csn understand OPs reasoning but dad is clearly an unfot parent. Reading this, my first thougt was: why not give the child up for adoption? At this age, she still has a good chance.
Monosyllabicgirl 3 weeks ago
Dad wanted the baby, basically forced his wife over to his side. She did not want to be a mom and was stupid to give in but she is NOT the AH here. Dad and Grandma are. But instead of fighting over who doesn't get custody, they need to put Ramona up for adoption. There are families out there who can't have children who would love to have her. My sister went through something similar, condom mishap and dad talked her into keeping baby. Said she could work and he would father full time. 2 months later he was out the door. She tried to parent mostly alone but after the dad committed suicide while he had the baby for the weekend she gave baby up for adoption to an amazing family and he's had a mostly great life. People think adoption has to happen at birth, it does not. The earlier the better though
Betsy S 1 month ago
All these YTA commenters have NO idea what it's like to be a single parent with physical disabilities. You think it's hard with a body that works? And with a co-parent? Try doing it with a body that's completely unreliable and no co-parent to spell you off or work at it WITH you. This woman seems to understand her own limitations and how harmful her situation would be to both her child and herself, if she were to take on disabled single-parenthood. I respect her for putting her child first, even though it's difficult. But I also agree with those who say to put the child up for adoption, and don't let that man raise her either.
Kirsten Kohler 1 month ago
It really doesn't matter who the AH is in this situation but the best you can do for your daughter is to give her up for adoption, she deserves so much more than 2 people that will resent her, she is young enough to forget both of you and life a happy life with 2 parents that will love her unconditionally - it just makes me sad but I was unable to have any more children after my son - there will be a family out there for her wishing you all the best
Kirsten Kohler 1 month ago
You know what give her up for adoption, it's no good throwing around who the AH is in this - your daughter deserves more and in her best interest it would not be good to stay with either of you, hope everything works out for her, best of luck. I could not have any more children after my son and would happily adopt.
Jessi Pirkle 1 month ago
If there is still love from her parents then some kind of sharing the parental responsibilities is the correct move. Adoption is not some magical solution. Ask any adoptee. The dad here is a gd pos for acting this way when the mom almost DIED as a direct result of the pregnancy. He's a giant man baby who should be grateful he didn't become a single father widower.
Id row 1 month ago
I wish they'd teach kids when they're young that babies are not band-aids. They will not fix anything that's broken. What would this woman have done if the father died? "I said I'll never be a single mother, you better get your zombie a$$ up over here to take care of your child." She should have known better and he has no business having custody of a child for any length of time. Shame on both of them for having this child when they're both unfit.
spjhnx52pq 1 month ago
Love is not only a feeling, it’s a set of actions that have a positive impact. This mom doesn’t love her child and neither does the dad. That poor baby needs a loving home not the toxic waste these two will heap onto her. Shame on both of these disgusting people.
Game Guy 1 month ago
Dad sucks the most, by far, but Mom is trying hard to catch up. You don't leave a defenseless kid alone with a screaming maniac. And it is very much the mother in law's business - the kid got dumped with her and the kid's parents are 50/50 responsible for watching her. That doesn't mean MIL is right in what she's saying, but she's also fully within her rights to express her view on the situation she's been involuntarily dragged into. This is one of those kids that would do better getting adopted out because as parents, both of hers are c**p.
Neal fy 1 month ago
I get that she can't or doesn't want to be a single mom, but first of all, as many have said, when you *decide* you’re responsible enough to bring a brand new human into the world, you commit to being all in, no matter what, for that child—to protect them and take care of them. This has to be your number one priority because that poor baby isn’t old enough to do it themselves. So don’t start listing all the reasons you *can’t*—that’s your responsibility, and you need to take appropriate and sufficient action. Second, it feels like she doesn’t want to give him the freedom he’s hoping for after getting divorced and child-free, and she’s lowkey trying to prevent that by making sure he has the child most of the time. I *get* that—believe me, he doesn’t deserve that freedom—but she needs to get her damn head out of the sand and realize how this is affecting the poor child. Like it’s been said before, the CHILD COMES FIRST. [continued in reply: ]
Neal fy 1 month ago
No matter if the dude is not deserving of freedom or blah blah blah yeah we get it, if YOU claim that you are sane, you take appropriate action, which would be to take the poor child and put her up for adoption so she can have the family she so damn deserves. Shame on all of you.
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lenka 1 month ago
The father clearly doesn't want the kid full time either. What about... "This man doesn't deserve to have a child and be a father. No normal father would abandon his child like that. He has no paternal instinct and no love for his poor little girl". Why are you judging only the woman for something that clearly applies to BOTH PARENTS.
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Bowtechie 1 month ago
Yikes. That kid is going to have it rough because she was born to two people who really shouldn't have had kids in the first place. I'm definitely on the ESH train. Honestly, if she would have given her up for adoption if her husband had died, she may as well take that same course now because he clearly does not want to be a father any more than she wants to be a mother.
Sathe Wesker 1 month ago
I completely agree with all of this. Definitely on the ESH train as well, but I gotta admit that first YTA I really agreed with too. When I read she just kissed her daughter and left her with a violent man who just admitted he didn’t want the responsibility. I was stunned. She couldn’t have ANYONE to help her for at least that one night? Nah, both seem really off to me.
Load More Replies... AbandonAllHope 1 month ago
Men do the same s**t all the time, they refuse to use BC and this asshat coerced her int o having a baby, then has the gall to get mad cuz he has to take responsibility??? F that noise. She did the right thing.
Adz86 1 month ago
You should need to pass a test to be able ro reproduce. These people where both incapable of genuinely loving a child from the get go. Poor kid I hope she gets adopted to a nice family before she's too old to remember how bad these monsters are.
Sojourner 1 month ago
Sex and reproduction are one of the few things the rich and poor can both have. Making people have to pass a test is inhumane.
Load More Replies... lenka 1 month ago (edited)
Yes everyone is an AH and the only one who loses out here is the baby. But I would like to point out the absolute double standard of the comments on this post. Men do this to women every f*****g day (supported by statistics on single parent households worldwide). They refuse sole custody of their kids, refuse the have the kids half of the time or during the hard slog of mid week school/life/parenting and often only want their kids on weekends so they can be the fun dad and still live their life. And Yes, yes #notallmen. But I work in family law and I see it enough to know that it is a lot of men. The number of men who come to me and say I want to spend time with my kid(s) but only on [my terms] is so astounding. So to everyone who has stated or implied that the mother is a piece of s**t for not wanting to be a single parent while failing to recognize that the vast majority of single parents are women because men abandon their kids ALL THE TIME without the suffering the staggering hate, really need to check their bias.
LittleWombat 1 month ago (edited)
THIS SHOULD BE NUMBER 1!!! I can VOUCH for how f'ing hard it is to be a single disabled mother, while my kid's dad shows up once every month or 2 to be the fun guy for a few hours. He is out every weekend with his girlfriend for getaways, during the week with his friends, the fun never ends for him. No one judges him - he's the dad. But if I did the same thing as a mom?! Even as someone who can barely walk, I'd still be thought of as garbage. I'm thrilled I have my daughter, no doubt! But the OP obviously KNEW how things go and didn't want this lonely life that takes everything out of you when she was very clear w this guy that she was never going to go through it. Obviously the guy doesn't want that life for himself either... but he doesn't seem to want adoption. He wants the OP to keep her and do all the work so he can stop by and be the fun dad once in a while too.
Load More Replies... Kay 1 month ago
I think the mother is just extremely honest about not being able to be the primary parent for the child with her health issues. She does not sound like an ah to me, she sounds mature and like she knows of her limitations and wants the best for her daughter. "What good will I be for her in 8-10 years when I can't work anymore" this hit hard
Bookworm 1 month ago
Yes I feel like everyone is just glossing over OP's health issues. I think if the father doesn't want her then they should be looking at giving their daughter up for adoption.
Load More Replies... WonderWoman 1 month ago
Society rarely knocks a man for walking out the door in a divorce and leaving the kids behind. This is the same thing with the roles reversed. She told him upfront that she would never be a single mother and she is sticking to it. Men walk out every single day and society doesn't even give them a side eye, they are accepted in polite society. Single moms though, they are the bad guys. That neither parent want full custody of this child is very sad and she would probably do better in a different home.
Sophia Athene 3 weeks ago
It's not only that she would be a single parent. She can't physically care for her. It's the responsible thing to do and share custody.
Load More Replies... FluffyDreg 1 month ago
While i feel bad for the child. Blaming the mom is foolish and short sighted. (Aside from leaving daughter with a violent and unstable man.) Peoples primary "solution" is for mom to.... break herself physically and mentally on a hard task she wasn't going to be able to do well while able, much less disabled. She wants to be there but is aware that she simply physically cannot do it. She would end up in the hospital. So her first thought is to have the man who preassured her into having their child have full custody. Because he wanted a child in the first place. I do think, in this case, trying to force her onto the abusive man who doesn't want her is stupid. Adoption should be the way she goes.
Calunii 1 month ago
My issue is that it seems that she had already decided that she would abandon her child even before the health issues. She indicated that she wouldn't want to be a single mom and therefore was hesitant on having children. However, the moment you do decide on having a child you need to take responsibility. As someone else mentioned, the 'dad' could have also died. Anything could lead you to becoming a single parent. If you're not up for that simply don't have children. It's that easy. I hope they do put the child up for adoption because neither deserve her
Load More Replies... cyndi hafele 1 month ago
Poor Ramona. One day she'll be old enough to understand that neither of her parents wanted her. I don't know how a child gets over that.
Abraxas59 1 month ago
As a child of a father as killed my mother I can answer that you don’t ! It sticks with you ok slightly diff but in my case my father didn’t want me either my grandmother bought me up and he blamed me for mum dying when I was 8 mths old I only found out the awful truth when I was 46 he hated me blamed me so ramona will feel lost hurt insecure all her life cos of them she will never get over it
Load More Replies... Atom Bohr 1 month ago
And this is why every person thinking of having a child should fully understand and accept that pregnancy can cause life changing and ending complications, and that they might well end us as a single parent in the future. If they aren't fully able to accept and embrace both potential futures, they shouldn't be having children. End of.
Bernd Herbert 1 month ago
What an a*****e. His wife almost died and he’s blaming her for that then? I don’t get it.
Lyoness 1 month ago
Me neither, but a shocking number of married people bail when things get rough. Illness, disability, death of a child or family member, dealing with a child with special needs. These things can either bring a couple together or tear them apart and in this case it's definitely the latter. Poor kid. Fingers crossed she's adopted.
Load More Replies... Broad Panda 1 month ago
I feel like the Dad thought his wife would do all the baby care, so he resents her, and the Mum spent so much time away from her baby that she possibly didn't bond to her. This whole mess is heartbreaking.
Jessie 6 days ago
I don’t think she would’ve really bonded even if she was around her daughter 24/7. She made it clear she didn’t want children to begin with and the feeling of “oh wow this is my baby that I produced and I love my baby now that I have her/him in my arms!” does not come naturally to everyone.
Load More Replies... Janelle Collard 1 month ago
I feel sorry for OP + the baby. The ex just wants to be single so he can start over. A**h***e.
Julia Cargile 1 month ago
Please, put that child up for adotion so someone can love her likes she deserves.
FreeTheUnicorn 1 month ago
Find an adoptive family for Ramona asap. Dad is violent and Mom can't be a single mother. Don't subject her to years of fighting over who has to take her. There are good parents out there, go through a reputable agency and find her a safe and loving home.
Nimitz 1 month ago
Calling b******t on the "I would never abandon her" stuff. The father becomes irrational and starts seeming violent so she kisses the baby on the head and leaves her in a potentially dangerous situation? I've been in that situation, worrying about a baby being in danger from someone who's a threat. Constantly checking and freaking out, doing your best to ensure the baby's safe while being trapped in a horror show. No no no no no. These are BAD people and that kid is not safe. F**k that guy and f**k her too. Self centered and abusive parents should be prosecuted, but instead they commit crimes and get off the hook over and over
DeadCat WithAFlamethrower 1 month ago
How to tell which commenters on Reddit have never had kids: anyone who blamed the mother even after she stated she literally didn't have the physical health due to what sounds like downplayed disability to be a single parent, much less ever wanted to be one.
Bookworm 1 month ago
NTA for not wanting full custody of the daughter. She signed up for co-parenting a child, not single motherhood because ex-husband can't be bothered (and probably won't even pay child support). YTA for leaving the daughter with Alex once it became clear he was trying to shove her off onto OP. Forcing a baby onto a 'borderline violent' man who wants to get rid of her... there's no excuse. You don't have to take her yourself, but you need to find someone else (adoption), because Alex is an unfit parent.
Mark Childers 1 month ago
I find it so funny that men do this all the time. My own father did this. But a woman puts herself first, and everyone has a problem with it. If the husband wants children, he should take care of them when the wife does not. Childcare is on both parents, not just the mother.
The_Nicest_Misanthrope 1 month ago (edited)
Jesus, this one's pretty f****d up, even for Reddit. Poor kid.
Deborah B 1 month ago
OFFS, just give the kid up for adoption if neither of you is interested in being a primary parent. He's definately an a*****e, pushing for a kid, then dumping his wife when pregnancy destroys her health, and thinking he can leave his disabled wife as sole parent of a baby, then dumping the baby on him mum. But she's an a*****e too, walking out and leaving the baby with the man who was becoming violent. Yeah, you told him up front you didn't plan to ever be a single parent, but as we all say to the deadbeat dads, the kid is here, it's your responsibility, and you should be taking 50% custody. If neither of you is willing to take 50% custody, let alone more, then place the baby for adoption.
Alexandra 1 month ago
Why do women n always have to bear the brunt of men unwilling to take care of their children? This whole story has 2 victims: the child, for obvious reasons and the mother because despite her limited capacity to do so, her ex-husbands callous attitude towards his child will force her into making decisions that are bad for her and the child. He agreed on having a child and he should take responsibility. Obviously leaving the child with him will result, inevitably, in harm to the child. So, make him pay not only for child maintenance, but also for the added help the mother needs in order to care for her child full-time. Also, it's not as if the mother doesn't want to take care of her child: she wants her father to take care of the child as well. Is that such a strange thing to ask?
Roberta Schrote 1 month ago
Mothers always seem to get vilified for putting their own goals first. I don't think I have ever seen a man criticized for choosing his career as the top priority. Even today, in 2024, ,stay-at-home-fathers often get the gimlet eye. Double standard per usual. I don't think OP is wrong and she's well rid of her immature husband.
StumblingThroughLife 1 month ago (edited)
Coercion is always a fail. She wasn't eager to have kids due to her health & not ending up being a single parent (not all women get broody/motherly), because she knew she wouldn't cope (not a good mix) but his assurances turned out to be lies. Some peeps out there don't have motherly urges. It's something that happens in all species. I don't think she's an AH, I think he is - by coercing her into have a baby and then went back on all his promises, and it's obvious he expected her to bring up their child alone, while he walked away with his self-righteous attitude. How dare a woman not be the nurturer, eh? I Couldn't walk away myself, but I am trying to be fair. It just annoys me that it's always women who get treated like s**t when they aren't physically or emotionally able to cope with bringing up kids alone - especially when emotionally blackmailed/assured by their OH that they'll stay by their side if they agree to have one.
Sarah Matsoukis 1 month ago
Don't have kids if you don't really want to. It just won't end well.
Lola July 1 month ago
This child is young enough to be adopted quickly! She will not sit in foster care. They should finally do the best for their child and give her to a family that is longing to have her. The mother isn't doing her child right by trying to force the "father" to be a father. Obviously she isn't healthy mentally or physically either. They are both TA's unless they let her go.
tori Ohno 1 month ago
A man so weak that he becomes hateful to his wife just because she gets sick is an abomination. The wife has already admitted to being open to put the baby up for adoption, so just do it. Neither want her. This is why I'm so terrified of our reproductive rights being taken away from us. Too many unwanted kids. These two would have been fine if he hadn't been such a selfish jackwad.
Meagan Glaser 1 month ago
Funny how if a woman wants shared custody, it's "abandoning" the child. Everyone screams about how the kid is totally unwanted and mom isn't willing to do 50/50. Apparantly we're still stuck on "kids are the moms job"
Nina 1 month ago
Really have the feeling people are missing the part thr mother is still disabled and has to do a lot more to manage her health than before her pregnancy. If you know you're going to drown if you need to carry another person, doesn't it make more sense to have someone else do the geavy lifting? Looks like the dad is resenting the work it takes to raise a child, instead of stepping up when his wife got ill he got pissed he actually needed to take care of his own child. So despite all his reassurances she didn't need to carry the load alone, now that is exactly what he wants her to do.
Fox with a Dragon Tattoo 1 month ago (edited)
Something about this... well multiple somethings about this whole story feel off. Im not saying its fake, though I wouldn't be remotely surprised if it was. But at very least a ton of info is missing and things dont add up. Best case scenario if its real and close to accurate ESH so so so much. Except the poor probably fake child.
Marno C. 1 month ago
I really wish someone asked OP, "Are you saying that due to your health conditions you are now physically unable to care for your child 1-1 only for a couple of days every couple weeks? How does your physical condition affect your return to work? Would you have the ability to work less but childcare more if the finances were different?" OP seems to implying some of this but not outright saying it. I'd want to know before rendering judgment. Some health conditions make it very challenging to raise a child without someone to help nearby.
Beth Wheeler 1 month ago
Husband is a complete jerk because life isn't all hunky dorie because of her having major medical problems that almost killed her. He doesn't want her or the be baby after pushing for kids. She doesn't want any custody at all because of her problems and would have put her up for adoption if he had died even if she wasn't sick They need to do a private adoption for this baby since neither of them want her.. I can't imagine not wanting my kids.
Space Invader 1 month ago
First YTA is contradictory, because if the husband is an AH too (as they admit), it should be ESH.
Curry on... 1 month ago
Poor little girl. They both suck. Dad is the worse of the two in my opinion. He wanted the child. He either has someone waiting on him, or he's looking forward to being free and single.
Ioana Mircea 1 month ago (edited)
Both are a-holes but men need to understand a kid is their responsibility too, especially when they're the one pressing their wife to have those kids. Some women are not fit to be mothers and some, like this woman are willing to actually admit it. In her place I would've devised a prenup mentioning the terms. Fk that. If men do it to protect their assets, so can women to protect their mental health. PS: are people here really ignoring the fact this woman nearly died and the a-hole is the one upset and "out of love"??? For that alone he deserves to have to take care of that kid and be a full time parent. You wanted kids? There you go. Oh? You don't want to be a single dad?? too bad. She neither wants to be a single mom and would not have been one if you would not have insisted on the baby topic :) PPS: I do agree, this kid deserves to be adopted by a family that loves her :)
Megan Tones 1 month ago
What a horrible situation. If the child stays with the parents, they will all need a lot of support. This is why both parents need to be 100% on board with having children and discuss scenarios like what if one parent becomes severely disabled or dies (or what if the child has a serious disability). It's not something you can really compromise on. You cannot have 1/2 a child.
CBolt 1 month ago
NTA What a sad situation & OP has been so rational in facing her limitations, despite the harsh criticism. Imagine the s***storm that's going to rain down on her if they do give up this little girl for adoption. Given his behavior, the father doesn't deserve to have joint custody, much less sole custody. What's his problem anyway? He had some romanticized idea of parenthood, gave OP assurances abt his participation in parenting so she agreed to have achild. She had a very difficult & dangerous pregnancy &, post partum, came close to dieing. So, Dad becomes angry at her - did he think she was faking all this? Furthermore, he had to do the things he had assured OP he would do: be a parent. And that made him angry too. It was hard. It wasn't all rainbows & unicorns - it was work (glad he got to see what moms go through). So now he wants out - OP has health issues & babies need so much of your time & attention - not what he signed up for. And he doesn't really want custody, even shared -
Beak Hookage 1 month ago
The husband sounds like an abuser. Leaving a small child with him is a terrible idea.
Ioana Mircea 1 month ago
He was alone with her for months while his wife was away in the hospital. Pretty sure if he wanted to do something to the kid he would've by then. So no risk there, stop dramatizing. If she took the baby then he would've been in another state by morning and the child would've been solely in her care, which she did say she wanted to avoid.
Load More Replies... CM Kar 3 days ago
OP left her daughter with a violent man, and should have been the one to protect her. I'm also a single mom and my child's protector against her father and anyone else that would want to harm her. I lost all respect for OP after that. She doesn't love her daughter. Parenting is sacrifice. My ex will answer to God and so will her ex. I never wanted to be a single parent but I am. And you know what? It's easier because he's out of the picture mostly. It's not the child's fault. There are lots of resources out there to help.
Kit Black 3 weeks ago
I love everyone saying she ought to put the child up for adoption, as if that's something she can do without his consent... The dude is selfish to the extreme - he doesn't want any of the responsibility, he just wants to claim he has a kid. If he allows her to put the child up for adoption, then he looks as bad as he is. Her health is shot, and she is not physically capable of caring for this child long term. She has pointed out that if she were able, she would put the baby up for adoption, but remain in her life and support her to the best of her ability. But nobody's getting mad because the father won't consent to an adoption?!?
rosalia gurkenstein 3 weeks ago (edited)
they are both bad and shouldn't had a child at all. But the bigger fault lies with him, he badly wanted to reproduce, not be a dad seemingly, as he easily throws that away then his wife isn't the picture perfect wife and wants to try again. She didn't want kids, he coerced her, then something really traumatising happened to her and she couldn't bond with her child. How was she supposed to love that child like a normal mother, she was on the fence to begin with (and that often is a good indicator that loving a child could be harder or impossible), almost died, which can absolutely destroy that sliver of blossoming love for a child and then couldn't care for her in the first few months, that are really integral to people that are not 100% commited to this, to form a bond. They really should let her be adopted by people that will love her, that seems to be the only actual act of love these two could ever give their child. Let her be free and loved by people that want her unconditionally
Ivy at Eve 3 weeks ago
Once again, there is one person left with the sort straw: a child that has never asked to be born. Upto a point, I csn understand OPs reasoning but dad is clearly an unfot parent. Reading this, my first thougt was: why not give the child up for adoption? At this age, she still has a good chance.
Monosyllabicgirl 3 weeks ago
Dad wanted the baby, basically forced his wife over to his side. She did not want to be a mom and was stupid to give in but she is NOT the AH here. Dad and Grandma are. But instead of fighting over who doesn't get custody, they need to put Ramona up for adoption. There are families out there who can't have children who would love to have her. My sister went through something similar, condom mishap and dad talked her into keeping baby. Said she could work and he would father full time. 2 months later he was out the door. She tried to parent mostly alone but after the dad committed suicide while he had the baby for the weekend she gave baby up for adoption to an amazing family and he's had a mostly great life. People think adoption has to happen at birth, it does not. The earlier the better though
Betsy S 1 month ago
All these YTA commenters have NO idea what it's like to be a single parent with physical disabilities. You think it's hard with a body that works? And with a co-parent? Try doing it with a body that's completely unreliable and no co-parent to spell you off or work at it WITH you. This woman seems to understand her own limitations and how harmful her situation would be to both her child and herself, if she were to take on disabled single-parenthood. I respect her for putting her child first, even though it's difficult. But I also agree with those who say to put the child up for adoption, and don't let that man raise her either.
Kirsten Kohler 1 month ago
It really doesn't matter who the AH is in this situation but the best you can do for your daughter is to give her up for adoption, she deserves so much more than 2 people that will resent her, she is young enough to forget both of you and life a happy life with 2 parents that will love her unconditionally - it just makes me sad but I was unable to have any more children after my son - there will be a family out there for her wishing you all the best
Kirsten Kohler 1 month ago
You know what give her up for adoption, it's no good throwing around who the AH is in this - your daughter deserves more and in her best interest it would not be good to stay with either of you, hope everything works out for her, best of luck. I could not have any more children after my son and would happily adopt.
Jessi Pirkle 1 month ago
If there is still love from her parents then some kind of sharing the parental responsibilities is the correct move. Adoption is not some magical solution. Ask any adoptee. The dad here is a gd pos for acting this way when the mom almost DIED as a direct result of the pregnancy. He's a giant man baby who should be grateful he didn't become a single father widower.
Id row 1 month ago
I wish they'd teach kids when they're young that babies are not band-aids. They will not fix anything that's broken. What would this woman have done if the father died? "I said I'll never be a single mother, you better get your zombie a$$ up over here to take care of your child." She should have known better and he has no business having custody of a child for any length of time. Shame on both of them for having this child when they're both unfit.
spjhnx52pq 1 month ago
Love is not only a feeling, it’s a set of actions that have a positive impact. This mom doesn’t love her child and neither does the dad. That poor baby needs a loving home not the toxic waste these two will heap onto her. Shame on both of these disgusting people.
Game Guy 1 month ago
Dad sucks the most, by far, but Mom is trying hard to catch up. You don't leave a defenseless kid alone with a screaming maniac. And it is very much the mother in law's business - the kid got dumped with her and the kid's parents are 50/50 responsible for watching her. That doesn't mean MIL is right in what she's saying, but she's also fully within her rights to express her view on the situation she's been involuntarily dragged into. This is one of those kids that would do better getting adopted out because as parents, both of hers are c**p.
Neal fy 1 month ago
I get that she can't or doesn't want to be a single mom, but first of all, as many have said, when you *decide* you’re responsible enough to bring a brand new human into the world, you commit to being all in, no matter what, for that child—to protect them and take care of them. This has to be your number one priority because that poor baby isn’t old enough to do it themselves. So don’t start listing all the reasons you *can’t*—that’s your responsibility, and you need to take appropriate and sufficient action. Second, it feels like she doesn’t want to give him the freedom he’s hoping for after getting divorced and child-free, and she’s lowkey trying to prevent that by making sure he has the child most of the time. I *get* that—believe me, he doesn’t deserve that freedom—but she needs to get her damn head out of the sand and realize how this is affecting the poor child. Like it’s been said before, the CHILD COMES FIRST. [continued in reply: ]
Neal fy 1 month ago
No matter if the dude is not deserving of freedom or blah blah blah yeah we get it, if YOU claim that you are sane, you take appropriate action, which would be to take the poor child and put her up for adoption so she can have the family she so damn deserves. Shame on all of you.
Load More Replies... lenka 1 month ago
The father clearly doesn't want the kid full time either. What about... "This man doesn't deserve to have a child and be a father. No normal father would abandon his child like that. He has no paternal instinct and no love for his poor little girl". Why are you judging only the woman for something that clearly applies to BOTH PARENTS.
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