As small and powerless as they might seem, kids can still have a disproportionate effect on people around them, and never more so than when they are misbehaving. But, as the saying goes, there is no smoke without a fire, and the real blame often lies on the parent’s shoulders.

One woman asked the internet if she (and her family) were in the wrong for banning her SIL and her husband due to their horrible, uncontrollable child. When the SIL and her husband argued that this was unfair, OP hit back with all the past examples of their kid being a downright menace. We got in touch with Marilyn Wedge, Ph.D., to learn more about raising children.

Misbehaving children are often just reflections of their parent’s child-raising choices

Image credits:  zharkovairina (not the actual photo)

Family drama ensued when a woman banned her SIL and her problem child from a family vacation

Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual photo)

Image credits: u/Level_Ad787

Children are ultimately humans, with their own idiosyncrasies and flaws

Bored Panda got in touch with Marilyn Wedge, Ph.D., an award-winning family therapist and author to learn more about children. We wanted to know how often there are “problem children” that arise independently from a parenting style. “Children’s behavior reflects a balance between nature and nurture. On the nature side, some babies are “easy” from the start. They sleep through the night after a few weeks and are not fussy. Other babies are more “difficult”. They don’t sleep through the night for many months and are often irritable. For example, I have identical twin sons. One was easygoing from the get-go. He slept through the night after two months and was rarely irritable. His brother, on the other hand, was often fussy. He was always getting into trouble and his brother was always helping him out,” she shared with us.

“He needed more attention from his parents, while his brother was able to entertain himself more easily at a younger age. My sons had the same parenting and the same genes but different temperaments. Some kids are strong-willed and need firm consistent discipline. Other kids are “highly sensitive” and need more attention from parents. On the nurture side, I do think there is a strong correlation between very bad behavior in children and inconsistent discipline or lack of attention by parents. Parents need to adjust their parenting style to their child’s temperament.”

Parents still have to take the brunt of responsibility for how a child turns out

So taking into consideration OP’s SIL, we also were curious what parents can do if they, unfortunately, have a kid that misbehaves constantly. “Consistent rules and consequences are the key to taming misbehaving children. Most importantly, parents need to be on the same page on discipline. They need to discuss privately the rules and consequences for their child and come to an agreement. One great way to discipline is to use the “count of three” method. Parents explain to their children in advance that when they are told to do something, parents will count to three. If the parents get to three the child and the child has not complied, he has an immediate consequence. For example, they have a time out in their room or lose TV time, The method is the same if parents ask the child to stop doing something. If they don’t stop when parents get to three, they get a consequence. Parents should not yell at their children when disciplining. They need to stay calm and follow through with consequences.”

It’s no secret that parenting is still hard work, so we thought it would be useful to hear what mistakes many parents end up making regardless of experience or style. “Common mistakes that parents make are: arguing in front of their child, yelling at their child, spanking, not listening to their child with their full attention, inconsistent discipline, and too much exposure to electronic screens like smartphones, tablets, and television. I cannot emphasize enough how important it is for parents not to have heated arguments in front of their children. In my experience as a child therapist, arguing in front of a child is a major cause of childhood problems like bad behavior.”
You can find more on Marilyn’s website here, where there are book recommendations, podcasts, and blog posts.

Readers gave suggestions and reassured OP that she is in the right

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