First dates are much like job interviews, where you are juggling multiple tasks, from trying to present yourself well, to being charming and interesting, all with the added layer of difficulty that comes from trying to assess if you are actually interested in the person. But some people seem to be living in their own world, blind and clueless about the consequences of one action or another.

A woman wondered if she was in the wrong for both accepting and drinking a shot sent over by another man while on a date. The internet quickly gave her a reality check and called her out for pretty flagrant violations of dating etiquette.

There is no standard first date, but a few rules tend to always apply

Image credits: Katerina Holmes (not the actual photo)

A woman wondered why her date got up and left after she accepted and drank a shot sent over by another man

Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual photo)

Image credits: tPainFan25

Dating norms can be hard to keep track of

While dating differs from culture to culture and generation to generation, there do seem to be unwritten rules, either passed down from our parents or simply established in mass media. In the Western world, sociologists point to a “script” that both parties know of and can choose to follow or ignore. Like an actor ad-libbing their lines very poorly, deviations from the script are only going to be accepted by both parties if done well. Of course, one might realize, part-way through a date, that this isn’t going to work out and might not care about letting the other party down easily. Regardless, not exactly understanding how one’s actions affect the other person’s feelings is a pretty large faux pas.

Naturally, as a social lubricant or liquid courage, alcohol is a very commonplace element on any first date. The “politics” of drinks might muddy the waters here, as sending a drink over is a common, almost cliche way to inquire about availability. While it can be easy to overstate or even understate the signals and significance of a sent-over-drink, it’s somewhat weird that OP seemed so surprised at her date’s reaction. For the sake of an argument, we can accept her explanation at face value, however, she does give some indication that she just wanted to down a few drinks before going out, as she herself called the date “a cool pre-game before I met up with my friends.”

On the flip side, perhaps her actions were rude, but it’s worth considering what it says about her date. Again, if we take her at her word, she was not interested in the drink-sender. While her communication skills could have been better, it’s a bit worrying that he would essentially cancel an entire date over a single shot, which in the hierarchy of drinks, is pretty unimpressive. It could be entirely possible that she didn’t expect him to be so insecure over a single drink. Similarly, he could have attempted to one-up the intruder by getting her something nicer, which isn’t hard when the competition is a single shot. It is a first date, after all, no boundaries have really been set and she is free to drink what she wants to drink.

Image credits: Guilherme Cunha (not the actual photo)

OP’s date could benefit from a little more confidence

If anything, the date should have perhaps seen the silver lining, as studies of alcohol use on dates, particularly first dates, indicate that it tends to help with anxiety and lead to more desirable outcomes. The same study did find that women sometimes worry about being misunderstood when it comes to drinking on a first date, but this does not seem to be an issue for OP. But instead of just moving past what was ostensibly a free drink for his date, this guy decided to throw a fit and leave. Now, that is his prerogative, if it’s a line he doesn’t want to see crossed, then it’s probably best that this doesn’t go to a second date.

Conversely, her “real” crime was miscommunication. She could have perhaps told her date that she was explicitly not interested in the man by the bar, but she would still enjoy the shot. She could have even offered to split it, although it’s hard to picture how the logistics of that would really work. Whether or not she was just clueless or actually wanted to inspire some jealousy is unclear, but either way, the entire situation could have been handled differently. It’s also unclear if her taking a drink was the issue or her acting against his wishes. If the latter, she dodged a bullet, if the former, perhaps he needed to not be so intimidated by the first man to show any interest in his date. If it happened once, it was bound to happen again.

In an alternate universe, where this date went well and they would go out more, inevitably, other men and probably women would hit on OP as well. Just one, wordless shot is on the lower end of flirting, how would OP’s date handle a man coming right up to her to talk? This is a very real scenario, given the story above and, presumably, the sorts of places she enjoys visiting. Remember, she met her date at a football game simply by chatting. He needs to stop being intimidated by other men, as they won’t cease to exist just because he is on a date.

Image credits:Douglas Lopez (not the actual photo)

OP answered some questions and defended her position

Many readers, however, thought she was in the wrong

But some saw her point

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