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“[Am I A Jerk] For Telling My Wife I Don’t Want To Name Our Child After Her Late Husband?”
Losing someone is not the end of the world. But it sure feels like it when the losing happens.
And so loss turns into grief that turns into mourning that turns into acceptance and then moving on. But what happens if you end up stuck somewhere in this unfortunate continuum?
A man has recently turned to the internet for some perspective on an issue he’s been having. Namely, his wife’s being extremely persistent to honor her late husband from over a decade ago by naming their soon-to-be-born baby boy.
You can guess why that is an issue with the current husband.
More Info: Reddit
RELATED:
Losing someone is not the end of the world, but it sure feels like it when the losing happens
![“[Am I A Jerk] For Telling My Wife I Don’t Want To Name Our Child After Her Late Husband?”](https://www.boredpanda.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2022/10/1-56.jpg "“[Am I A Jerk] For Telling My Wife I Don’t Want To Name Our Child After Her Late Husband?”")
Image credits: Rick Kimpel (not the actual photo)
A man has recently approached Reddit’s Am I The A-Hole community to figure out who’s right in a conundrum he found himself in.
You see, he has a wife—a wife of 8 years at this point—and both of them have kids from their previous marriages. And much to both of their surprise, they have found out that the two are expecting another kid. Due November.
Excitement is definitely in the air. And so are the discussions about baby names. The two started making a shortlist of names, which had the likes of Daniel, Chris, James, and Thomas.
For some, grief doesn’t seem to stop, and a husband found himself in a situation where his wife wanted to name their kid after her late ex husband
![“[Am I A Jerk] For Telling My Wife I Don’t Want To Name Our Child After Her Late Husband?”](https://www.boredpanda.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2022/10/author_b6903869daac710e086582e1213b9d64.png "“[Am I A Jerk] For Telling My Wife I Don’t Want To Name Our Child After Her Late Husband?”")
![“[Am I A Jerk] For Telling My Wife I Don’t Want To Name Our Child After Her Late Husband?”](https://www.boredpanda.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2022/10/author_2a025631d498f8436ce7ff11da91a246.png "“[Am I A Jerk] For Telling My Wife I Don’t Want To Name Our Child After Her Late Husband?”")
![“[Am I A Jerk] For Telling My Wife I Don’t Want To Name Our Child After Her Late Husband?”](https://www.boredpanda.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2022/10/author_776ed506d376648bfab03065880f60e7.png "“[Am I A Jerk] For Telling My Wife I Don’t Want To Name Our Child After Her Late Husband?”")
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Image credits: Throwawaytoisy
It seems that everything would have been just fine right up until that last name popped up. Or, more specifically, the intentions and circumstances behind the last name became clear.
Turns out, Thomas was the wife’s previous husband who had passed away 15 years ago. So far, nothing wrong with any of this. What does make things uncomfortable—at least for the husband—is the wife’s wish to name their son who’s due to come into this world in November after her late husband. And she seems to be very insistent on it.
Now, there is absolutely nothing wrong with naming kids after significant people in one’s life. But, many would probably agree that naming a kid that you’re having with a new spouse after a former spouse is, if anything, weird. Weird from the perspective of the relationship the people having the kid have.
It didn’t seem like a jealousy or insecurity issue, as the author of the post pointed out just how supportive he is of respecting her feelings about it
![“[Am I A Jerk] For Telling My Wife I Don’t Want To Name Our Child After Her Late Husband?”](https://www.boredpanda.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2022/10/author_4b7c47213d1d7c8f53a3c4bb23b25452.png "“[Am I A Jerk] For Telling My Wife I Don’t Want To Name Our Child After Her Late Husband?”")
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![“[Am I A Jerk] For Telling My Wife I Don’t Want To Name Our Child After Her Late Husband?”](https://www.boredpanda.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2022/10/author_0390875ea76a46c39899cd54d11bf67f.png "“[Am I A Jerk] For Telling My Wife I Don’t Want To Name Our Child After Her Late Husband?”")
Image credits: Throwawaytoisy
![“[Am I A Jerk] For Telling My Wife I Don’t Want To Name Our Child After Her Late Husband?”](https://www.boredpanda.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2022/10/2-44.jpg "“[Am I A Jerk] For Telling My Wife I Don’t Want To Name Our Child After Her Late Husband?”")
Image credits: Eric Lewis (not the actual photo)
The two had talked about it. The wife means well, she wants to honor and remember him. It’s definitely a great name, and the husband thinks much of what she says are valid points. But he does not want their son to be named after her late husband.
The wife did not take it lightly, though, claiming he’s insecure and jealous of a “dead man”. OP felt that that is an unfair statement—they have the late husband’s picture on their family wall, the two visit his grave occasionally, heck, the late husband’s parents still come over for visits. And the current husband is more than OK with that.
So, once he got called petty because of his disagreement—not even compromising on a middle name—OP understood that he needs some perspective from the internet. Thus turning to the AITA community.
The conflict quickly found its way on to the AITA community, where folks ruled that the current husband is right
![“[Am I A Jerk] For Telling My Wife I Don’t Want To Name Our Child After Her Late Husband?”](https://www.boredpanda.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2022/10/comment_d6c1ad1ff75743e6d297c3c09d302348.png "“[Am I A Jerk] For Telling My Wife I Don’t Want To Name Our Child After Her Late Husband?”")
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Folks online sided with the husband on this one. Most felt that it’s absolutely not necessary for her to express her grief in such a way when there are many other ways to do so—which they are already doing. Some were wondering why she is in such strong grief after 15 whole years in the first place.
Others took a simpler approach: they asked if he was in any way involved in their son at this point. If not, then he’s out of the picture. Some internauts even said that the whole baby naming process often just relies on a “if it’s at least one veto, it’s a veto” rule, so just OP’s vote should have counted here. Especially when there’s other options.
![“[Am I A Jerk] For Telling My Wife I Don’t Want To Name Our Child After Her Late Husband?”](https://www.boredpanda.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2022/10/comment_e892ac821fc5577ebae4da0e7a87e1d8.png "“[Am I A Jerk] For Telling My Wife I Don’t Want To Name Our Child After Her Late Husband?”")
![“[Am I A Jerk] For Telling My Wife I Don’t Want To Name Our Child After Her Late Husband?”](https://www.boredpanda.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2022/10/comment_e751c149db16669a3c38b212f38dc26b.png "“[Am I A Jerk] For Telling My Wife I Don’t Want To Name Our Child After Her Late Husband?”")
![“[Am I A Jerk] For Telling My Wife I Don’t Want To Name Our Child After Her Late Husband?”](https://www.boredpanda.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2022/10/comment_179288c1433e07a0fc8c298dd165d628.png "“[Am I A Jerk] For Telling My Wife I Don’t Want To Name Our Child After Her Late Husband?”")
![“[Am I A Jerk] For Telling My Wife I Don’t Want To Name Our Child After Her Late Husband?”](https://www.boredpanda.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2022/10/comment_6fdc7a8435a130f8d817d45988b0dc5b.png "“[Am I A Jerk] For Telling My Wife I Don’t Want To Name Our Child After Her Late Husband?”")
In context, grief manifests in numerous ways. But does it have a timeline? According to Sue Ryder Palliative Neurological And Bereavement Support, even after 12 months, folks might still feel the loss as if it happened yesterday, while others might feel like it happened in a different life.
They estimate that after the second year, the intensity of the grief ought to have subsided to a significant amount. However, revisiting specific locations, activities or items might reignite the feelings. Which is why it’s encouraged that folks learn to live with it.
The best thing to do is to seek psychological counseling and therapy. Only a professional can know how to best approach a person whose grief is out of control.
![“[Am I A Jerk] For Telling My Wife I Don’t Want To Name Our Child After Her Late Husband?”](https://www.boredpanda.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2022/10/comment_fa038cfaf2426fbfc487cbcac962077b.png "“[Am I A Jerk] For Telling My Wife I Don’t Want To Name Our Child After Her Late Husband?”")
![“[Am I A Jerk] For Telling My Wife I Don’t Want To Name Our Child After Her Late Husband?”](https://www.boredpanda.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2022/10/comment_59430c4ba249545ba334f3bf43fe6273.png "“[Am I A Jerk] For Telling My Wife I Don’t Want To Name Our Child After Her Late Husband?”")
![“[Am I A Jerk] For Telling My Wife I Don’t Want To Name Our Child After Her Late Husband?”](https://www.boredpanda.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2022/10/comment_a9fbc0cc87965eeaa0cf9c4446be486a.png "“[Am I A Jerk] For Telling My Wife I Don’t Want To Name Our Child After Her Late Husband?”")
![“[Am I A Jerk] For Telling My Wife I Don’t Want To Name Our Child After Her Late Husband?”](https://www.boredpanda.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2022/10/comment_26b53d08f9c9a507655e527767e67880.png "“[Am I A Jerk] For Telling My Wife I Don’t Want To Name Our Child After Her Late Husband?”")
Whatever the case, the post got almost 5,000 upvotes and generated over 800 comments in conversation. You can check it out in context here, or check out other AITA stories, like this one, this one, or (not really AITA, but kinda sorta in that vein) this one.
But don’t go just yet—I mean it, please don’t go just yet—as we’d love to hear your thoughts and opinions on pretty much everything that has happened in this story in the comment section below!
Also, friendly PSA, please do not downvote jerks—do upvote interesting posts and comments!
What do you think ?
Kathryn Baylis 2 years ago (edited)
If her daughter, whom she had with her first husband, wants to name her son after her father, that’s appropriate. The OP should tell his wife that she’d be stealing the name from her grandson, for whom it would actually have meaning.
deanna woods 2 years ago
It doesn't sound like she is over her late husband. Going to his grave, visiting with his parents, and having his picture up is enough honoring. It would make no sense to name her current husband's child after her late husband.
Martin Kaine 2 years ago
And the first husband died when she was 25. I wonder as to the nature of the first marriage (HS sweethearts? Met in college?), and the impact it's had on her.
Load More Replies...
Brooke Klein 2 years ago
I'd feel terrible for the parents of her late husband. They would have to be constantly reminded of the grandchild they never got because of their son's passing. It doesn't seem like an honor, it seems like a slap in the face.
Monday 2 years ago
They have a grandchild though, the daughter OP mentioned at the start.
Load More Replies... Kathryn Baylis 2 years ago (edited)
If her daughter, whom she had with her first husband, wants to name her son after her father, that’s appropriate. The OP should tell his wife that she’d be stealing the name from her grandson, for whom it would actually have meaning.
deanna woods 2 years ago
It doesn't sound like she is over her late husband. Going to his grave, visiting with his parents, and having his picture up is enough honoring. It would make no sense to name her current husband's child after her late husband.
Martin Kaine 2 years ago
And the first husband died when she was 25. I wonder as to the nature of the first marriage (HS sweethearts? Met in college?), and the impact it's had on her.
Load More Replies... Brooke Klein 2 years ago
I'd feel terrible for the parents of her late husband. They would have to be constantly reminded of the grandchild they never got because of their son's passing. It doesn't seem like an honor, it seems like a slap in the face.
Monday 2 years ago
They have a grandchild though, the daughter OP mentioned at the start.
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