Being a stay-at-home (SAH) parent is still usually the mom’s job. Pew Research Center claims only 18% of SAH parents in the U.S. are dads. That’s almost one in five. Wives often become stay-at-home mothers full-time or have a side job from home that they can balance with taking care of the kids.

Sometimes, their husbands might think that childcare is not a full-time job. Like this father, who got angry at his wife for not taking care of dinner one evening, claiming she “does nothing all day.” Wanting to prove it, he worked from home the next day and took care of the two kids all by himself. The wife saw him struggle but did nothing to help. So, when he called her out, she asked the Internet to weigh in on who was the jerk in this situation.

Bored Panda contacted Licensed Educator and Certified Coach Laura Danger for some expertise on SAH parents. She kindly agreed to tell us more about why the stereotype that stay-at-home parents should be mothers persists and how couples can navigate arguments about this dynamic. Read her expert insights below!

Working from home and taking care of kids at the same time can be hard

Image credits: LightFieldStudios (not the actual photo)

When this husband told his wife that she does nothing all day as a SAHM, she dared him to try it out

Image credits:Vitaly Gariev (not the actual photo)

Image credits:ClearCoffee7140

The stigma towards SAH parents will persist until we start thinking of housework as real work

Certified life coach and educator Laura Danger tells Bored Panda that as long as housework and childcare aren’t considered “real” work, the stereotype that it’s the same as “doing nothing” will persist.

“Keeping this work undervalued and underpaid throughout society allows it to be used as a tool to subjugate. People in carework industries are underpaid – home nurses, childcare providers, the people who clean and maintain our homes, offices and public spaces.”

“This is the work that nurtures us and keeps us going, yet it’s brushed off,” Danger points out. “Without it, we have nothing! The idea that some work is work or some work is more important is just another lie our society tells us so some people can have more access to power, wealth, and privilege.”

“When some work matters more than other work, some people matter more,” she explains the unfairness. “If we gave care its due respect, we’d also have to give every person their due respect.”

“Honoring the value of care would also mean honoring our inherent value as people. Our society is built as a hierarchy, and bosses and other people in power rely on care and domestic work being invisible and undervalued.”

Image credits:Alexander Grey (not the actual photo)

Although the conversation about how to divide housework and childcare is difficult, it’s always best to have it as soon as possible

Starting a conversation about who should be the stay-at-home parent can be difficult. But Danger cautions couples that ruminating on the issue or abandoning boundaries might cause resentment. “As someone who is feeling unappreciated and overwhelmed by domestic care demand, you can avoid resentment by facing the issue head-on, setting clear boundaries, speaking your mind, and sharing your feelings honestly,” she advises.

“You cannot control how someone is going to react to you when you share your feelings, but even if the response is resistance, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t say something. Care work matters,” Danger emphasizes. “The weight of the mental, emotional, and physical demands has real costs. You have to figure out what your own limits are, communicate them, then be ready to maintain them.”

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The reality is that one person in the couple often takes on not only the majority of the housework but the emotional labor as well. “The person who’s been asking for help or who manages more of the domestic and care work has to maintain the emotions of themselves and others,” Danger explains. “They have to do this despite feeling frustrated, angry, or hurt.”

“We should all take some personal responsibility for our emotional wellness, communication, and self-regulation. Unfortunately, you can’t make someone else do that personal emotional work, so, again, it comes down to setting limits for yourself. You may need to seek professional help as an individual or a couple to break old imbalanced patterns and establish new ones.”

Danger says that individuals shouldn’t be afraid to express their feelings, whatever they might be. “Feelings are okay. It’s okay to be angry about inequity,” she explains. “Feeling resentful or angry about a situation that has caused pain is reasonable.”

“What we can be mindful of is how we react and what we do from there. Kindness does not always mean keeping things the same or shielding your relationship from conflict. Conflict can be an opportunity,” the certified life coach points out.

Image credits:Tatiana Syrikova (not the actual photo)

People called out the husband’s entitled behavior

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