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Hey Pandas, WIBTA For Calling Off Our Big Wedding Plans Because I’m Worried They Could Get Ruined?
Moderator’s note:
If you find yourself disagreeing with this person’s actions, we encourage you not to downvote the post. Instead, kindly express your opinions in the comments. We recommend maintaining politeness and articulating your thoughts with well-constructed arguments.
Need an outside opinion.
My fiance and I got engaged last year, wedding is next year.
Back in January, my future husband and I went on a cruise to the Caribbean so I could meet one of his sisters who lives in Canada
Image credits: Peter Hansen (not the actual photo)
We were going for 12 days total, 4 in Florida and 8 on the cruise, we met up with them on day 2.
On day 5 of the cruise, they decided they didn’t want me around the kids because I had a cough, which could be COVID, and they didn’t want the kids to catch it
Image credits: Annie Spratt (not the actual photo)
I had been coughing for more than 2 months at this point, been to the doctor’s, nothing wrong with me, just a tickly cough I couldn’t shift. Mind you, I was coughing when I met them and every day we were together.
When George came back to the cabin that night, I asked what happened and he said he didn’t know, but he had been told that he was not allowed to sleep with me or be near me cause he could get what I had (my tickly cough) and they didn’t want him around them with my germs. Through all this time, they had been in the pool, around the ship, and the buffet of Symphony of the Seas (6000 passengers, not counting crew).
So I was left on my own for the remainder of the trip because George was not going to cause trouble with his sister and he “was here to be with the kids.”
When we came back home, my future husband George told me that his sister Kathleen had told him not to marry me
Image credits: Marcus Lewis (not the actual photo)
Let’s be honest, this upset me, especially since I still didn’t know the reason they were so against me. George either didn’t know or didn’t want to tell me.
Fast forward to last month, and this same sister tells him that they’re not sure if they’re going to come to the wedding, cause they don’t want to cause problems (I imagine she meant with me). Mind you, the wedding is still a year away.
This pissed me off big time, that she’s still trying to split us, and my first thought was to tell George to tell her not to bother coming. But then that’ll probably make me the baddie and she could blame me for them not coming.
As you can imagine, this stresses me out: if she comes, I’ll be paranoid she’ll do something, “object” in the middle of the ceremony, or even try and convince George again not to marry me.
If she doesn’t come, George will be upset that his favorite sister is not there to celebrate with us. So the day will be ruined whether she comes or not.
So after some thought, I decided that probably the best solution would be to scrap the wedding, well, the guest part, anyway, and just make it George and myself. No wedding, no problem, right?
George is not happy with me cause he wants the whole shebang, I’ve never been the wedding kind, so a simple registry will suffice for me. He’s not told his mother or other sister what’s happened yet…
Any thoughts? Not sure how to proceed…
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What do you think ?
Yu Pan 3 months ago
Wait wait wait, isn't the bigger problem here being your fiance? I mean, he's the one who decided not to defend or stick with you when his sisters kept you away on the cruise. Isn't he also the same person who hasn't done anything to ease the tension/beef between you and his favorite sister? And why did he tell you that Katherine the sister said don't marry you? The man hasn't acted like you are his partner. Why are you overlooking the biggest red flag here and instead focus on the sister? Do you honestly believe if you have your way with the wedding and if the sisters stay away you marriage will be all rainbow and sunshine?
arthbach 3 months ago
Most definitely the problem with with the fiance. Why on earth did he abandon his partner just because his sister said so. The partner had been checked out by their doctor, and it's easy enough to get a Covid test. The future sister in law isolate the partner, and the fiance went along with it. This is not acceptable behaviour by someone you are planning on marrying and spending the rest of your life with.
Load More Replies...
Melissa anderson 3 months ago
I think since he’s so enmeshed with his sister, y she shouldn’t marry him. His sister will always come before the wife, any wife.
V 3 months ago (edited)
I think you need to sit down with your future husband and ask him what the future is going to hold for you, if you will always be second fiddle to his sister. He needs to tell his sister to pack the attitude away and he needs to come clean if he knows why his sister doesn't like you, or he needs to find out because no-one needs to be dealing with this highschool level BS their entire lives. ETA- the wedding is the least of your issues right now, you need to deal with the fiance problem before you tackle to wedding problem.
Lost Penny 3 months ago
The poll lacks an important question: "Should OP marry her douchenozzle of a fiancé?" (The answer is HELL, NO!")
Shelley Claire 3 months ago
You have a fiancée problem, not a future SIL problem. If he's not siding with you now or putting you first now, he never will. If a wedding is more important than making you, HIS future spouse, happy, then it won't ever be.
JK 3 months ago
OP - COUPLES THERAPY - NOW. Something is *OFF* here, and your fiancé doesnt even have the decency to tell you what/why you're persona non grata. So what else if he not bothering to tell you? Why is the whole wedding what *he* wants and not what you *both* want? If this is his favourite sister and she doesn't like you, then that's not going to bode well. He also isn't supporting you when you need it. You both need to seek joint therapy to deal with the current issues, and how you'll support each other in the future, because it doesn't sound like that's happening right now. You're paranoid/anxious about his sister's opinions/potential actions, he doesn't seem to care that this is bothering you and tell you the issue, which means either he agrees and doesn't want to admit it, or he knows it'll hurt your feelings/upset you but refuses to fix the problem. Internet strangers can't help you here, you guys need to get on the same page asap, or have a raincheck until you are
Valerie Brillhart 3 months ago
Honey, dump THIS A*S WAFFLE NOW.YOU WILL ALWAYS BE BEHIND SISTER, HIS Nieces Or Nephew. Go find someone who really respects and loves you
Alexandra 3 months ago
You're focusing on the wrong person. It's not the sister, but your future husband who's a problem. He doesn't seem to be making you his first priority now and, trust me, that will not change after you've married him. Things will only get so much worse, especially when there are children. Have a brutally honest conversation with him and see how he reacts. If he's defensive, you know you had better get the hell out.
Rayne OfSalt 3 months ago
Girl, why are you still planning the wedding? Your husband is meant to have your back in everything. He's already shown that he won't, and worse, he'll pick fights and blame you for other people's rubbish. For pete's sake, he left you alone on a holiday because "he was there for the kids" not you. There's more red flags here than at a chinese military parade. Get out asap.
Mjskywalk 3 months ago
My advice is don’t marry into this c**p show. Your fiancé didn’t stand up for you with his sister and left you alone on the cruise. This is absolutely c**p behavior. Thank goodness the wedding is a year away because pry little to no money has been spent yet and it is easy to hand him his ring and walk away from this jerk.
Papa 3 months ago
I won't say dump him, because I know from painful experience how stupid men can be, but you need to sit him down and point out how wrong he was for not sticking up for you on the cruise. A counselor may be able to help with that. After that, if he sees where he was wrong, and understands that he needs to change his behavior, invite his sister to the wedding, since he wants her there, but only with the understanding that if she misbehaves he will immediately shut her down, and not leave it for you to deal with.
Lee Gilliland 3 months ago
My current husband and I had a VERY small wedding (Justice of the Peace, my best friend and her husband, his son and my son) because I have a horrible sister. Horrible as in she chose to come out AT HER OWN MOTHERS FUNERAL. I think a small wedding is a lovely thing. We wound up doing the reception before the actual wedding and everyone had a great time.
Lyoness 3 months ago (edited)
BP and Reddit are often quick to 'dump him and run!' or divorce, but before you go there, counselling (as others have suggested) would help clarify things. Why didn't he stick up for you? Why was spending time with his sister's family more important than you? Why doesn't she want you to get married? What will happen the next time she excludes you? These are serious questions to ask, because the answers will help determine if you want to be part of this family. Be strong and stick to your boundaries because these are going to be difficult conversations. You can do it. Good luck! Edit for grammar.
Ephemera Image 3 months ago (edited)
Honey, you are marrying your fiance and his sister. Apparently he can't make any decisions against her wishes. He doesn't stick up for you with his sister? There will be three people in your marriage. Good luck with the red flag parade. You're gonna need it.
K. LNU 3 months ago (edited)
OP, first, you are NTA, but please wait on the wedding! Right now, he has shown he will always stand by his family - not you. That does not make for a solid marriage. You need to talk to your fiancé and find out what is going on. IF he is going to continue to do what his sister says, you deserve a man who will stand by you, not one that won't.
Mike Loux 3 months ago
I'm not entirely sure you should be marrying this person, OP. Doesn't seem like you and him (plus his family) are compatible. Perhaps have a nice long come-to-Jesus talk with him as some of my fellow commenters are suggesting, but it doesn't sound like being married to this man is going to be a pleasant experience for you, long-term.
Michael MacKinnon 3 months ago
One, I'm surprised that in this post-pandemic world, no-one thought to get a COVID / RSV test from the crew of the cruise ship. Of course, that might have brought all this stuff out earlier, but would probably be a better outcome for the OP. There's too much unstated here (by the fiancé and the sister) that OP deserves to know.
Yvonne Dauwalder Balsiger 3 months ago
I am so getting Crimson Peak vibes... Don't marry him, you will never be the most important person in his life
Pandaodboredem22 3 months ago
ESH. Future SIL for trying to drive a wedge, George for abandoning OP because his sister said to when he knew the deal with the cough. Her hold on him is creepy. But OP is TA as well, not for the change of wedding plan, but for not being direct with George. Without a good explanation George will be resentful (it's perfectly okay to not want a big wedding, but that needs to be a discussion and joint decision). If this isn't nipped in the bud now, future SIL will control the lives of OP and George forever.
Fran (Post author) 3 months ago
I'm just worried she'll ruin the day, my feelings are the ones not taking into account in this wedding, he wants to get married, he chose the day, time and place, this is the only time I've said anything about wedding/getting married.
Load More Replies... Yu Pan 3 months ago
Wait wait wait, isn't the bigger problem here being your fiance? I mean, he's the one who decided not to defend or stick with you when his sisters kept you away on the cruise. Isn't he also the same person who hasn't done anything to ease the tension/beef between you and his favorite sister? And why did he tell you that Katherine the sister said don't marry you? The man hasn't acted like you are his partner. Why are you overlooking the biggest red flag here and instead focus on the sister? Do you honestly believe if you have your way with the wedding and if the sisters stay away you marriage will be all rainbow and sunshine?
arthbach 3 months ago
Most definitely the problem with with the fiance. Why on earth did he abandon his partner just because his sister said so. The partner had been checked out by their doctor, and it's easy enough to get a Covid test. The future sister in law isolate the partner, and the fiance went along with it. This is not acceptable behaviour by someone you are planning on marrying and spending the rest of your life with.
Load More Replies... Melissa anderson 3 months ago
I think since he’s so enmeshed with his sister, y she shouldn’t marry him. His sister will always come before the wife, any wife.
V 3 months ago (edited)
I think you need to sit down with your future husband and ask him what the future is going to hold for you, if you will always be second fiddle to his sister. He needs to tell his sister to pack the attitude away and he needs to come clean if he knows why his sister doesn't like you, or he needs to find out because no-one needs to be dealing with this highschool level BS their entire lives. ETA- the wedding is the least of your issues right now, you need to deal with the fiance problem before you tackle to wedding problem.
Lost Penny 3 months ago
The poll lacks an important question: "Should OP marry her douchenozzle of a fiancé?" (The answer is HELL, NO!")
Shelley Claire 3 months ago
You have a fiancée problem, not a future SIL problem. If he's not siding with you now or putting you first now, he never will. If a wedding is more important than making you, HIS future spouse, happy, then it won't ever be.
JK 3 months ago
OP - COUPLES THERAPY - NOW. Something is *OFF* here, and your fiancé doesnt even have the decency to tell you what/why you're persona non grata. So what else if he not bothering to tell you? Why is the whole wedding what *he* wants and not what you *both* want? If this is his favourite sister and she doesn't like you, then that's not going to bode well. He also isn't supporting you when you need it. You both need to seek joint therapy to deal with the current issues, and how you'll support each other in the future, because it doesn't sound like that's happening right now. You're paranoid/anxious about his sister's opinions/potential actions, he doesn't seem to care that this is bothering you and tell you the issue, which means either he agrees and doesn't want to admit it, or he knows it'll hurt your feelings/upset you but refuses to fix the problem. Internet strangers can't help you here, you guys need to get on the same page asap, or have a raincheck until you are
Valerie Brillhart 3 months ago
Honey, dump THIS A*S WAFFLE NOW.YOU WILL ALWAYS BE BEHIND SISTER, HIS Nieces Or Nephew. Go find someone who really respects and loves you
Alexandra 3 months ago
You're focusing on the wrong person. It's not the sister, but your future husband who's a problem. He doesn't seem to be making you his first priority now and, trust me, that will not change after you've married him. Things will only get so much worse, especially when there are children. Have a brutally honest conversation with him and see how he reacts. If he's defensive, you know you had better get the hell out.
Rayne OfSalt 3 months ago
Girl, why are you still planning the wedding? Your husband is meant to have your back in everything. He's already shown that he won't, and worse, he'll pick fights and blame you for other people's rubbish. For pete's sake, he left you alone on a holiday because "he was there for the kids" not you. There's more red flags here than at a chinese military parade. Get out asap.
Mjskywalk 3 months ago
My advice is don’t marry into this c**p show. Your fiancé didn’t stand up for you with his sister and left you alone on the cruise. This is absolutely c**p behavior. Thank goodness the wedding is a year away because pry little to no money has been spent yet and it is easy to hand him his ring and walk away from this jerk.
Papa 3 months ago
I won't say dump him, because I know from painful experience how stupid men can be, but you need to sit him down and point out how wrong he was for not sticking up for you on the cruise. A counselor may be able to help with that. After that, if he sees where he was wrong, and understands that he needs to change his behavior, invite his sister to the wedding, since he wants her there, but only with the understanding that if she misbehaves he will immediately shut her down, and not leave it for you to deal with.
Lee Gilliland 3 months ago
My current husband and I had a VERY small wedding (Justice of the Peace, my best friend and her husband, his son and my son) because I have a horrible sister. Horrible as in she chose to come out AT HER OWN MOTHERS FUNERAL. I think a small wedding is a lovely thing. We wound up doing the reception before the actual wedding and everyone had a great time.
Lyoness 3 months ago (edited)
BP and Reddit are often quick to 'dump him and run!' or divorce, but before you go there, counselling (as others have suggested) would help clarify things. Why didn't he stick up for you? Why was spending time with his sister's family more important than you? Why doesn't she want you to get married? What will happen the next time she excludes you? These are serious questions to ask, because the answers will help determine if you want to be part of this family. Be strong and stick to your boundaries because these are going to be difficult conversations. You can do it. Good luck! Edit for grammar.
Ephemera Image 3 months ago (edited)
Honey, you are marrying your fiance and his sister. Apparently he can't make any decisions against her wishes. He doesn't stick up for you with his sister? There will be three people in your marriage. Good luck with the red flag parade. You're gonna need it.
K. LNU 3 months ago (edited)
OP, first, you are NTA, but please wait on the wedding! Right now, he has shown he will always stand by his family - not you. That does not make for a solid marriage. You need to talk to your fiancé and find out what is going on. IF he is going to continue to do what his sister says, you deserve a man who will stand by you, not one that won't.
Mike Loux 3 months ago
I'm not entirely sure you should be marrying this person, OP. Doesn't seem like you and him (plus his family) are compatible. Perhaps have a nice long come-to-Jesus talk with him as some of my fellow commenters are suggesting, but it doesn't sound like being married to this man is going to be a pleasant experience for you, long-term.
Michael MacKinnon 3 months ago
One, I'm surprised that in this post-pandemic world, no-one thought to get a COVID / RSV test from the crew of the cruise ship. Of course, that might have brought all this stuff out earlier, but would probably be a better outcome for the OP. There's too much unstated here (by the fiancé and the sister) that OP deserves to know.
Yvonne Dauwalder Balsiger 3 months ago
I am so getting Crimson Peak vibes... Don't marry him, you will never be the most important person in his life
Pandaodboredem22 3 months ago
ESH. Future SIL for trying to drive a wedge, George for abandoning OP because his sister said to when he knew the deal with the cough. Her hold on him is creepy. But OP is TA as well, not for the change of wedding plan, but for not being direct with George. Without a good explanation George will be resentful (it's perfectly okay to not want a big wedding, but that needs to be a discussion and joint decision). If this isn't nipped in the bud now, future SIL will control the lives of OP and George forever.
Fran (Post author) 3 months ago
I'm just worried she'll ruin the day, my feelings are the ones not taking into account in this wedding, he wants to get married, he chose the day, time and place, this is the only time I've said anything about wedding/getting married.
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