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Someone Asks “People Who Don’t Ever Want To Have Kids, Why?” And People Deliver 30 Honest Replies
Family life in the Western parts of the world is changing: cohabitation is rising and childbearing is plummeting. More and more people are now opting for voluntary childlessness, a conscious decision to not have children despite the pervasive societal expectations, which are especially hard on women.
But despite the outdated views of a fulfilled family that sees kids as a crucial part of its equation, a life without children is the new normal. So when a redditor who goes by Foxscream posted the question “People who don’t ever want to have kids, why?” people had a lot to say about this topic.
The thread offers a fresh and much-needed perspective on what makes people not want to have children, and it’s a very important read for anyone who’s still skeptical about being childfree by choice.
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#1
I'm lazy. I like my free time. I like money (well, the little I have!). I like sleep. I've also just never had the instinct in me to want kids. I feel complete without them.
Plus it's scary enough worrying about my own future, let alone the future of miniature humans I am responsible for bringing into the world. Rather give it a miss.
Laura 3 years ago
Did I write this while sleeping? 😂. I hate when people say "it's different with your own kids" or "you would be a great mum". Nooo, motherhood is not for me and it would make me deeply unhappy. People need to deal with the fact that we are women, not walking wombs. We don't dry and die if we don't "fulfill" our "purpose". I have lots of better things to do, like learn archery😊
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#2
In psych class we learned about a study where they separated monkeys from their mothers at birth. The monkeys grew to be anxious and twitchy. When those monkeys had their own kids, the mothers didn't know how to care for them. I was raised horribly so I don't know how to raise someone well. My parents had children even though their parents abused them. My grandparents' parents probably also abused them. I'm just cutting off the cycle.
tiari 3 years ago (edited)
I am so damn happy my mom broke the cycle of abuse. No idea how she did it, but she did amazing. I would understand it perfectly if she decided against having kids (except of course I would not exist). I am not sure I would have had the courage if I were in her place. And I honestly think my aunt/her sister never should have had kids. My cousins think so too btw.
Since childfree life has become a much-discussed topic these days, Bored Panda reached out to three amazing childfree women, Colombia-based Isabel, Kristen from the US, and LeNora from Canada, who run the project Childfree Girls, a podcast and web series for the childfree community.
When asked if more people are opting for a childfree life, the Childfree Girls said that even though global fertility rates have been falling in the past few years, it would be hard to state that more and more people are opting for a childfree life.
“We believe that what has been happening is that more people are openly talking about their choice to not become parents, so it might give the impression that more people are choosing to not have kids. The childfree choice is not a new choice, but it is certainly a lot easier to express it nowadays than it was a few decades ago, let alone a few centuries ago,” they explained.
#3
My life is complete without children. Plus, I'd rather just stick to cats.
Katie Lutesinger 3 years ago
With me it's my pet rats. I guess you gotta have something to love and fuss over and worry about, even if it's not kids!
#4
For me its the myriad of mental disorders i have, i dont want to pass that on to another human being, much less my own child
There are many reasons behind choosing a childfree life, and they’re all specific to each person, the authors of Childfree Girls told us. They continued: “These include lack of a support system, lack of a permanent romantic partner, environmental concerns, medical issues, lack of financial stability, exposure to danger or risk (in war zones, for example), personal beliefs, among many others.” Moreover, “Some people just don’t want to be parents, period.” Essentially, “All reasons are valid reasons,” they explained.
#5
I have two boys, and I love them, but boy do I wish I hadn't had them. Whether it be political, climatic, or economical, their future doesn't look too bright, and my whole life is now dedicated to making sure I can be around and financially available to help them in a cutthroat world.
Michelle Cunningham 3 years ago
Thank you for your honesty, I think a lot of parents feel the same way but are afraid to say it. It doesn't mean you don't love your children, it just means you are human. Kids are such a huge, overwhelming responsibility.
#6
Freedom. My husband and I would probably be pretty good parents and we’re in a good spot financially, but we feel complete with each other. We have fun together and want to spend the rest of our lives without the responsibility and stress of kids.
There are many misconceptions about people who choose not to have kids in this society. So when asked how childfree people deal with societal pressure, Childfree Girls said that people cope in different ways for any number of reasons, and childfree folk are not the exception. “Unfortunately, we live in a pronatalist world, so many of us do feel pressured to have kids a lot of the time.”
“There isn’t one specific way to deal with societal pressure, and some people have a better grasp on this than others. In general terms, we believe that when childfree people are totally accepting of their own choice and have a healthy amount of self-love and self-confidence, it comes naturally to not be too adversely affected by the criticism (blatant or subtle) that might come from family, friends, co-workers, news articles, TV shows, movies, magazines, etc.”
#7
I just have no desire. I don’t hate kids, I love my Nieces and Nephews and have a great time being an influential part of their life. However, that means that I also see how difficult and stressful it is to raise kids. I understand that people really love it and it’s worth it to them, but that’s just not me.
#8
Have you seen the world out there? I mean several generations have already looked at serious looming problems and said, "but the children are our future! They'll fix it!"
Within my lifetime I've seen climate change go from "global warming" and very mild changes to once-in-a-century environmental events happening every year.
The boomers kept saying that one day the younger generations will be in charge and they'd deal with it then, but even now the boomers are a massive proportion of the voting population with it only being 3 years since Millenials have outnumbered them.
It's time to stop making more people until we can fix the problems we're causing.
According to Childfree Girls, some people might decide not to engage at all and let it slide. “Others see these moments as opportunities to have a conversation with others about how parenthood is a choice” they said and added that “The important thing to remember is that we do not owe an explanation, nor do we need to justify our choice to anyone.”
It's also important to note that childfree people get called “selfish” a lot, and this is a huge misconception. “We believe that understanding that we are not selfish, but self-aware, is the first step to deal with societal pressure,” the authors of Childfree Girls said. “There is nothing inherently selfish about choosing not to reproduce. There is, however, something incredibly selfish about demanding others reproduce in order to satisfy one's own ideas or beliefs about who should be creating more people.”
#9
I find them very annoying
#10
Oh SO many reasons. Where to begin.
I am a woman, which means 100% of the physical aspects of pregnancy (extreme nausea, discomfort, pain, hormone imbalances, etc) and then labor which is widely recognized as one of the single most painful things the body can go through. Then once the baby is born you feed it with your boobs, and in many cases are the main caretaker, emotional support, time manager, cook, maid, and breadwinner for that human. I simply do not want to do ANY of that. For me personally, pregnancy and birth is the equivalent of body horror like the Saw movies, or most aptly, Alien!
I grew up in a very culty evangelical church in the midst of Mormon Utah. So EVERYONE around has super conservative traditional values and woman’s sole purpose in life is to squeeze out kids. Not to have hopes and aspirations, careers, or anything like that. If you’re a woman where I’m from, you have to make your dream around having kids. You are only a womb and you must be owned by a man.
I have a sensory processing disorder that makes me get very overwhelmed pretty easily. Kids are noisy and messy and stinky and fragile. And while I like kids, en masse they are REALLY hard for me to be around.
Nothing about being a parent whatsoever appeals to me. I simply don’t want to do any of that. I absolutely love being able to go anywhere and do anything on a whim and I love my alone time.
I have more than my share of physical and mental disorders I would never wish on another human.
There are millions of orphans in the world - what about ME and my genes is so special that I have to create an entire new human from scratch? The world doesn’t need more people. I’m curious actually many people find making their own babies more important giving a home to child in need? (Not trying to be a dick or accusatory - genuinely curious. I know couples who’ve spent tens of thousands of dollars on fertility treatments when that money could’ve just as easily gone to adopting a child.)
FOR THE RECORD: this is solely my opinion. I don’t expect anyone to feel the same and I’m happy for people who love kids and want to have their own.
Ren Karlej 3 years ago
I wanted to adopt but then my health went awry and it wouldn't be fair, let alone likely that I would have been given the go ahead.
At this point, the Childfree Girls believe that there will be more people who choose not to have children. “We’re already seeing this choice being more prevalent in people from Gen Z, who are, in general, a lot more vocal about the things that they want, what they don’t want, and what they believe in.”
“Younger generations display a growing concern for environmental, social, economic, and political issues, some of which could be alleviated or resolved by a decrease in human population. For example, in the past few years, several reports from international organizations about the reduction of the carbon footprint have been published.”
“One of these studies’ main conclusion was that the greatest impact in fighting climate change is to have one fewer child, which in some countries translates to having none (Environmental Research Letters, 2017).”
#11
I dont even know if I will have a future myself. It feels selfish to bring a child into this world at this current state.
#12
I don’t see the point. There are enough kids on the planet, and I don’t think I’m so precious that I need to replicate my genes. Honestly, I’ve never met anyone who is.
However, more than believing that childfree life is the future, Childfree Girls hope that in the future, people take more time to really reflect on the choice to become a parent. It’s important to realize that “bringing a child into this world is a huge responsibility and it takes a big commitment to raise happy and loved human beings. To introduce and rear a new human being because of pressure, and not out of a genuine, conscious desire, is tragic for everyone involved,” they said.
#13
I was parentified as child to my 4 younger siblings. When I see a child now, I act nice but cannot wait to get away from it.
A child crying/screaming immediatly puts me in a angry/foul mood for the rest of the day.
I had my share of caring for kids, and have next to nothing positive come out of it...
#14
So I'm super late to the party (as usual) but maybe one person will see this. I grew up with an abusive father. Sadly, I see myself acting like him way too much. I really hate it. I know that when I raise my voice at my mum she thinks I'm just like my father. If I ever get kids I'd mess them up. I'll be just as bad of a parent as he was and I don't want to be someone who brings this kid into the world just to end up f**king them up.
Assaj Ventress 3 years ago
You are very brave and very insightful and I commend you for such a wise decision- you can’t change how your father treated you but you’re taking responsibility anyway and I have so much respect
#15
I’d love to if I could be a father. Motherhood asks you to sacrifice everything from your body to identity to even your life for your child (my mom almost died in childbirth). I love my body, my financial freedom, my career, my relationship, and the cleanliness and silence of my home. I refuse to give any of that up for a child I know I would resent for upheaving my life.
I firmly believe that unless you have daydreams about having children and know you ABSOLUTELY want to have them, do NOT have them. They are not something you can feel ambivalent about. They are the ultimate lifestyle change and anyone saying otherwise is lying.
#16
Lack of desire to become a parent or have kids.
You know how some people want kids so bad, they suffer mentally and emotionally from not having them or knowing they can't have them? How people say they feel hormonal, wanting kids real bad, they can't control it? Their ovaries are exploding? Baby fever? Or any other colloquialism about wanting to have a baby real soon?
Never had that. People kept telling me that as I'd grow older, would reach my 30s, find my soulmate, my friends start having children, etc., I would start to have that feeling. I went through all these milestones and I still EDIT don't have that desire for kids.
And I don't think it's necessary to have kids if one does not have the desire for it.
De Gueb 3 years ago
This was the problem with my ex, she wanted Kids so badly it drove her crazy when she couldn't get pregnant. We tried very hard the traditional way, then with insemination and I.V. Ruined me financially and the broke the relationship. She couldn't accept that it, specially because in her family the woman, her sisters, aunts, cousins are like factories, they pop 'em out like hot bread!! She became emotionally abusive towards me, sometimes violent....I know she tried on her own after we broke up but she never got pregnant. Now I'm single in my early 50's I'm so grateful we never had a child, I meet so many single mothers with "forked up" relationships and children, growing up with bad blood everywhere, so sad.
Bored Panda also spoke with Zoë Noble, the creator of We Are Childfree, which is a storytelling platform celebrating childfree women and gender-diverse people. It helps to explore the experiences of childfree people and dispel the myths the world holds about them.
“Personally, I never felt the need to have children, but if I was born earlier, or elsewhere, I might not have had a choice in the matter,” Zoë said and added that: “Whatever people decide to do, it's important that they make a conscious choice that's right for them and the planet.”
#17
Kids? In this economy?
No, I’ll just settle for my cat.
#18
Children make me uncomfortable. With very few exceptions I find them creepy and weird and not at all attractive or emotionally appealing. Babies are generally hideous to me. They do not make me want to care for them, they make me want to get away from them as quickly as possible. I’d rather have someone hand me a tarantula.
I believe having children is a privilege not a right. Parents should have to prove they deserve that privilege instead of deciding hey now I should have a baby. You have to have a driving license and insurance to have a car. You should have to have a baby license and insurance to have a baby. It should be difficult.
Carrie Laughs 3 years ago (edited)
I've always felt children should be seen as a gift. Right feels the wrong word, especially when there are people who simply cannot. It's like saying we all have a right to sight when there are blind people. Human rights state it like this: "Men and women of full age, without any limitation due to race, nationality or religion, have the right to marry and to found a family. They are entitled to equal rights as to marriage, during marriage and at its dissolution. Marriage shall be entered into only with the free and full consent of the intending spouses. The family is the natural and fundamental group unit of society and is entitled to protection by society and the State". Family is the right. Access to health care and support to endeavour for a child, yes.
When asked if she thinks that more and more people are choosing not to have children, Zoë said that it may be true, “but the main cause of falling birth rates are parents choosing to have fewer children.” Moreover, “Both choices are being influenced by financial insecurity, climate anxiety, greater access to contraception and, for women, to other opportunities in their life,” she added.
#19
I want to do what I want, when I want.
Janus Preez 3 years ago
Until you're old and need someone to help you to do the things you want, when you want
#20
Whew, so many reasons.
I like my life how it is right now. Sleeping in, taking spontaneous trips, spending my money on myself. Having a kid means your entire life changes, and I don't want my life to change.
I don't want the responsibility. See #1.
I think that global warming and other factors mean the world won't be nice for too much longer; I don't want to force someone to live through that.
I don't like children for extended periods of time - I like kids and find them sweet and funny, but they are exhausting over long periods.
This is petty, but as a woman, I don't want the body changes that come with having a baby.
And when it comes to dealing with societal pressure that so many childfree people unfortunately still experience, Zoë said finding like-minded people who support your decision is the way to cope with it.
“If you move to a big, progressive city like I did, you can find others who are living, or at least accepting of, alternative lifestyles—there are plenty of childfree people in Berlin! For other people who don't have supportive folk around them, there are more and more online communities—like mine!”
Moreover, “When you can openly and honestly discuss your feelings and decisions, in a judgement-free context, it's much easier to stand firm in your choices and love authentically,” she said.
#21
As someone who wants to become an elementary school teacher, people are often shocked to find out I don't want children. But the reason is simple: they cost a LOT of money, they take op a lot of free time and space and I have terrible genes.
#22
It’s expensive and I don’t wanna pass on my genes in particular.
“I think the future will see more people having fewer kids or none at all. Younger generations don't have the resources to support large families, and are more aware of the impact of that choice. And we're slowly making progress towards gender equality, with lots of (but not all) women now able to choose what they do with their lives.”
#23
I personally don't want to put my body thru the trauma of growing and birthing a child/children, I can barely emotionally handle myself a lot of the time and don't want to risk passing on any of my mental illnesses to someone who didn't ask to be born, and they're overall a huge financial burden and with the pandemic having destroyed my personal finances, I will never be in a financial position to feel comfortable raising a child.
Anna McHugh 3 years ago
A good, honest, realistic self-appraisal from someone who takes care of themselves and sees things straight - good on you!
#24
I and my wife are both financially decent off, mentally and physically healthy and could probably pull off kids without a problem as such.
We just don’t want to. We value our collective freedom to do what we want, whenever we want to — to travel, to hike up a mountain, to go surfing, et cetera — too much.
And no, we don’t get lonely, we have plenty of friends and we have our dogs that tag along for all activites :)
DINK life is pretty sweet.
So Zoë believes that it's inevitable that the childfree choice is becoming more popular, as people don't feel like they have access to, or are compelled towards, the traditional one-size-fits-all lifestyle of the heteronormative nuclear family. “Hopefully projects like mine can encourage people to embrace this change as a net good for the planet, instead of lashing out from a conservative, reactionary place. More people making conscious choices in their own interests can only be a good thing!”
#25
Complete lack of a support system. You know the saying “it takes a village to raise a child?” Well we have no village anymore. Unless you happen to live nearby family, no one is around to help, you’re on your own. (You know those harried mothers in supermarkets who have screaming wailing children and they just look so exhausted and done with life? I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want to feel that way, ever)
Money. I can barely support/ensure a future for myself, let alone a whole new human being with needs like diapers, medical visits, food, toys, etc. At 37 I’ve just started to be able to actually enjoy my life so throwing it all away because every cent needs to be spent on a kid is a recipe for mental health disaster.
Lack of body autonomy. As soon as that test is positive, your body is no longer your own. You are no longer a person, you are an incubator for “precious new life.” Doctor visits where you’re just out there for the world to see, people poking and prodding your “most secret” areas until they’re less of a secret and more of a billboard….then after you have the baby, the physical toll of giving more of yourself to feed it. I just can’t fathom that severe of a loss of self.
No sleep, constant exhaustion. I’m wiped enough working 8-5, doing a workout, cooking dinner and cleaning up after and all the other tasks of being an adult in a home, adding the additional lack of sleep and tasks of constantly keeping a child alive? I see it in peoples drawn faces and eye bags. Why would you want to invite that on yourself. (Also see lack of support system)
Kids destroy things. They make messes. I just was able to eke out a life for myself in a house and actually buy some new things and make it feel like I’m finally an adult…..for kids to ruin the couch I saved for or the tv I saved for would just be too much. Those are symbols of my hard work and accomplishments and you just destroyed it you little s—t, lol
Also I’m just scared of all the medical stuff. The things that can go wrong, the pain, the changes to your body, the pain, the recovery process (with or without anyone to help you), the pain…..
renee brack 3 years ago
Touché, succinct, accurate, well said. It was like reading my own thoughts, feelings and life events. Especially about the couch. Or as I like to think of it - my living room throne where I can sit or recline while I wave my magic wand at the tv and transport myself to magical places with people I can change for others with another wave of my wand. Bliss.
#26
My wife and I have tons of health issues, mental and physical, including chronic depression, crohns, epilepsy, etc.
The world is just a nasty place and there's no reason to bring a child into it anymore
Money and freedom to travel.
Kids are loud, gross, expensive and annoying and I like to sleep in and go anywhere and do anything on a dime.
Kay blue 3 years ago
I had my daughter before I was diagnosed with Crohn's, I spent her entire childhood worrying that she would also get it. If I had been diagnosed earlier, I wouldn't have chosen to pass on my seriously messed up genes. I would die for my daughter and couldn't imagine life without her, but that is because I have her.
#27
I love my niece and nephew too but after an entire day with them i really, really need some peace and quiet. If its your own kids, you dont get that. So i imagine that but 24/7 and i dont understand how people do it.
Daphne Williams 3 years ago
I have three kids and I desperately need some peace and quiet XD. We do it by letting go of some of our sanity, permanently.
#28
It's easier and cheaper being an aunt. Chase a toddler around a splash pad so that I can enjoy it too- nice. Same toddler is cranky- give it back to the parents. I might treat it to ice cream now and then but I don't have to worry about future school expenses. Etc, etc.
#29
That whole thing about your friends start having kids and it will make you want one. Funny thing was people around me having kids was the exact reason my 50/50 went to I don't want them. I can tolerate kids for short spans of time like I'll babysit but at the end of the day I don't have to deal with the stressful part of having kids( sickness, tantrums, money, etc.)
#30
I can barely go through my period without painkillers, I'll never manage to give birth. Also, I don't like kids, they're annoying.
What do you think ?
Ozacoter 3 years ago
It is very important that society starts realising that many people, specially women, doesnt want children and that their choice is as valid as any. I have severe health problems and was denied a hysterectomy by 3 gynecologists "because younwill change your mind". First I was 30, I am not a child. Second I need it for medical reasons, would you say the same to an apendicits patient?. The last gyn convinced me to have a less effective surgery without telling me that afterwards pregnancy would be extremely dangerous for me (26% mortality, x3 chances of ectopic pregnancy...). Even with that he refused to sterilise me "because you will change your mind". He actively endangered my health to save a minimal chance of me having a healthy baby. Obviously the hospital board did nothing against him. I am just a dumb woman afterall only good as a walking uterus. My health is less important than my hypothetical children.
Ozacoter 3 years ago
This happened in Belgium, a fairly advanced and feminist country. I cannot imagine how terrible it is for women in other more conservative countries.
Load More Replies...
Lovin' Life 3 years ago
I have 3 children, well adults now, and I love them with all my heart. I dont regret it at all. That being said, i dont understand trying to justify why you dont want kids. It's a choice that you make for yourself. You know you better than anyone. It shouldn't matter to others. It's not their lives. If you have kids just to be in the "norm" , then you're miserable and in turn so will your kids.
Mette Stenersen 3 years ago
Do we really need a reason to not have kids? Well, I don't like kids, never have, never will.
Ozacoter 3 years ago
It is very important that society starts realising that many people, specially women, doesnt want children and that their choice is as valid as any. I have severe health problems and was denied a hysterectomy by 3 gynecologists "because younwill change your mind". First I was 30, I am not a child. Second I need it for medical reasons, would you say the same to an apendicits patient?. The last gyn convinced me to have a less effective surgery without telling me that afterwards pregnancy would be extremely dangerous for me (26% mortality, x3 chances of ectopic pregnancy...). Even with that he refused to sterilise me "because you will change your mind". He actively endangered my health to save a minimal chance of me having a healthy baby. Obviously the hospital board did nothing against him. I am just a dumb woman afterall only good as a walking uterus. My health is less important than my hypothetical children.
Ozacoter 3 years ago
This happened in Belgium, a fairly advanced and feminist country. I cannot imagine how terrible it is for women in other more conservative countries.
Load More Replies... Lovin' Life 3 years ago
I have 3 children, well adults now, and I love them with all my heart. I dont regret it at all. That being said, i dont understand trying to justify why you dont want kids. It's a choice that you make for yourself. You know you better than anyone. It shouldn't matter to others. It's not their lives. If you have kids just to be in the "norm" , then you're miserable and in turn so will your kids.
Mette Stenersen 3 years ago
Do we really need a reason to not have kids? Well, I don't like kids, never have, never will.
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