Some lies can be easier to recognize, while others are well thought out and could maybe even count as manipulation. So what is lying, exactly? Dr. Cortney S. Warren, a Harvard-trained, California-based board-certified clinical psychologist and Adjunct Professor of Psychiatry at the UNLV School of Medicine, answered: “According to the Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy, the most traditional definition of lying is “to make a believed-false statement to another person with the intention that the other person believes that statement to be true.” In other words, lying is making a statement that one knows is untrue with the intent to deceive the listener. From this perspective, lying is not simply about making a false statement — it’s about misleading the listener to believe something that you know is inaccurate. From this perspective, the intention to deceive is a critical component of lying.”

Dr. Cortney S. Warren continued to explain what kind of lies people tend to say. “People lie about almost anything. For example: that you’re cheating on your partner; what you were doing with your time (in fact, you were not at the library… you were playing games at a friend's house or at the local bar!); how much money you spend—on food, nice dinners out, clothes, trips; how much you drink, gamble, eat… or even how often you lie!; how you feel and what you think about a person (like your mother or mother-in-law).”

“For example, people tend to lie on social media. Most commonly, people lie by presenting an image of themselves and their lives that reflects what they wish were true. A more glamorous version of themselves and their lives that shows the fun, interesting parts of themselves and ignores the blemishes. In a study examining 80 online daters, Hancock, Toma, & Ellison (2007) found that 2/3 of participants lied about their weight by 5 pounds or more. In a large sample of over 2000 people in England conducted by Custard.com (2016), 43% of men admitted to making up facts about themselves and their lives that were not true online. In addition, only 18% of men and 19% of women reported that their Facebook page displayed “a completely accurate reflection” of who they are. Most commonly, participants said that they only shared “non-boring” aspects of their lives (32%) and were not as “active” as their social media accounts appeared (14%).”

Sometimes people kinda lie even without knowing that they are lying. Dr. Cortney S. Warren shared how that happens: “it’s also possible to lie by telling something that’s not true without an intention to deceive (Mahon, 2008). From a self-deception perspective, we often lie to ourselves by believing something false or refusing to believe something true (Warren, 2014). When we do, we’ll pass lies onto other people without any intention of misleading them because we actually believe the lies we’re spreading. For example, for centuries, people believed the world was flat. They communicated that belief to everyone around them. Now, science gives us ample evidence that the world is, in fact, round. People were technically lying when they said the Earth was flat because the facts were untrue, but they actually believed the lie. Now, very few of us would say the Earth is flat because we know that it’s round (although there’s a resurgence of people who believe the Earth is flat in recent years, referred to as Flat Earthers – a topic for another day).”

“Self-deceptive lying is much harder to spot and identify in ourselves because we can’t see it! For example: being unable to admit that your childhood trauma affects your adult relationships and how; rationalizing why you didn’t list your actual height and weight in your dating app profile; denying that you’re jealous of your ex’s new girlfriend; explaining why you didn’t report the full amount of money you earned last year in your tax document to make yourself feel better about your less-than-ethical behavior.”

Some people are so used to lying rather than telling the truth that they tend to choose false information in the simplest situations. Dr. Cortney S. Warren commented on why that is: “People lie for many reasons. Some of the most common are: fear of punishment, retribution, or rejection (for example, if you cheat and tell your partner, they may leave or be angry); an inability to admit to ourselves the truth because it’s too painful to admit (the core of all self-deception—you lie to yourself to save yourself the pain of seeing reality for what it is); an intention to project a more positive, socially desirable image of ourselves (for example, you don’t want to look like a 'bad person' so you only present what you want people to see about you); -to gain something you want or cheat another person (which is more indicative of pathological lying).”

However, some people are more likely to lie than others. “In general, research suggests that people who have higher trait-based self-esteem, are more open to outside-the-box thinking, and are kind/agreeable are less likely to lie. People who struggle with chronic negative emotion, are emotionally reactive, and lack empathy (characteristics that are associated with what we call neuroticism in psychological terms) are more likely to lie,” shared Dr. Cortney S. Warren.

In terms of relationships and social dynamics, lying can damage the bond between people. “Lying undermines trust and closeness. This dramatically affects interpersonal relationships both personally and professionally. When you realize you’ve been lied to, it’s highly damaging to relationships because you won’t know whether the person who lied to you will do it again.”

“Self-deception plays a huge role in romantic love and breakups. You're very likely to believe some highly untrue things about your mate, both while you're together and after you break up. Many of them are outlined in my latest book—along with a host of exercises to challenge unhelpful and dishonest thinking patterns!” shared Dr. Cortney S. Warren.

But not all lying is bad, isn’t it? Sparing someone’s feelings is considered a positive thing and sometimes it just feels like lying is the only option. Here is Dr. Cortney S. Warren’s perspective on that. She wrote: “this is a very tough question for me to answer. Who you want to be honest with and when is a very complicated topic that depends on how close you want to be to someone, how the information may affect them, and whether it’s appropriate or not to tell them the truth. I would not advocate for lying almost ever—but I also wouldn’t say that you should tell everyone private information that may be true in every situation. What I would say is that the goal is always to be honest with yourself. Because that’s where your true power lies. The more you can see and admit the truth, the more power you have to make different choices with the information you have.”

In the end, lying is not worth it. But if lying is coursing through your veins and it is difficult to recognize whether you are telling the truth, Dr. Cortney S. Warren shared some strategies that you can use to identify it: “start with yourself. Try to be as honest with yourself as possible. Then, anytime you want to lie to yourself or others, pause. Notice your tendency and ask why you are doing this. Strive to have everything that comes out of your mouth be honest. The path to self-honesty starts with self-awareness. Pause. Notice what you’re thinking and how you feel. Ask yourself why. My book, Lies we Tell Ourselves, and TEDx talk Honest Liars can help you with more specific strategies for self-honesty, especially in relationships.”

Since the rise of social media, lying does not stop in our inner circles. Here is what Dr. Cortney S. Warren shared regarding this topic: “I think the anonymity and lack of direct face-to-face interaction of most social media makes it easier to lie. You can essentially say whatever you want online—whether it’s objectively true or not—and not really have very serious consequences for it. And it’s easier to say what you want without getting 'caught' in a lie online than it is when talking to someone directly—you’re able to project an image or a statement without many of the nuances of non-verbal and interpersonal cues that indicate lying in person! I also think that people are more aggressive and brazen in their comments online because they see it as a platform to express themselves instead of seeing it as an interaction or relationship with others online.”

When encountering a dishonest post, it can be challenging to know how to identify the lies and respond appropriately. Dr. Cortney S. Warren commented on how to spot these lies or react in such situations.

“In terms of spotting lies, I would go into all online material with a critical thinking cap on. Ask yourself a host of questions to evaluate whether a statement is true by looking for data—look for evidence to support any claim. First, consider the source—do they have a vested personal interest in presenting information a certain way? Then consider the perspective taken—are they able to articulate the other side of an argument? Also, look for self-deception. Are they in denial? Rationalizing? Projecting? My book can help you explore how our inability to be honest with ourselves—which is actually a much more dangerous problem—can lead you to spread lies unintentionally to those around you.

In terms of how to react, this is a very complicated question to answer because it really depends on your goal and relationship to the writer. I would pause. Think about your reaction. And then decide very clearly how you want to respond and why before you do anything to confront a dishonest post!”

In the era of social media, the prevalence of dishonesty raises questions about its potential impact on individuals. Dr. Cortney S. Warren answered a question about what effect dishonesty on social media has on us.

“Although selective self-presentation and lying about ourselves on social media may not seem like a surprise (or even a big deal), it can affect us greatly. Why? Humans are naturally social creatures—we crave relationships and social interaction. According to some of the most prominent theories of human nature and a large body of research, social interaction and feeling a sense of belonging to a community are two of the most important predictors of psychological and physical health (see here for a review). Given our social nature, we want to feel connected to people and 'in the know' about our friends, family, and even celebrities. We crave connectedness. So, we want to interact with people and social media offers us one way to do that. We also have a natural propensity to trust that others are being honest with us. A large body of research suggests that we are programmed to trust others. Although the reasons for our tendency to trust are complex, without interpersonal connectedness and a fundamental belief that those around will support you, protect you, and treat you respectfully, we feel unsafe. Trust is developmentally essential to feeling safe and secure. So, what happens is we want connection through social media interaction and we naturally think that others are being honest. When people aren’t honest, it can be problematic because we internally presume that what is presented is true. That people are naturally as good-looking as their photos appear. That people’s daily home life is as perfect as the pictures depict. That others have very few gut-wrenching struggles. That people around us are in a habitual state of going on vacation, eating out, and parenting blissfully. This is clearly not true. And although we are less aware of the realities of other people’s lives, we are well aware of the ways in which our own lives are NOT ideal. To make matters more complicated, when we believe that what we see on social media is true and relevant to us, we are more likely to compare ourselves to it in an internal effort to evaluate ourselves against those around us (e.g., regarding our looks, wealth, significant other, family, etc.). As we do this against the idealized images and unreasonably positive life accounts that tend to permeate social media, we are likely to feel more poorly about ourselves and our lives. A growing body of research suggests that social media use can negatively affect your psychological health, particularly if you compare yourself to the people or (positive) images you see online. In a study of 339 college women (Puglia, 2017), the tendency to compare oneself to others was associated with poorer body esteem and a greater desire to use social media to make such body comparisons. Furthermore, in a subsample of 58 women in the Puglia study, those with higher levels of Facebook usage displayed lower body satisfaction than those with lower Facebook usage. Similarly, in an experimental study by Vogel and colleagues (2015), participants who tended to compare themselves to others more regularly had lower self-esteem, more negative emotions, and a poorer view of themselves after using Facebook than participants who did not tend to compare themselves to others.”

And lastly, she added: “the truth is that we all lie. On social media, this is rampant. Often, people do it to try to project an image of what they wish were true. To make ourselves look more beautiful. Smarter. More successful. As though we have a more fun life! Although lying to others is not something I would encourage you to do, the greater journey is to become fully honest with yourself. If catch yourself in the act of lying, pause. Ask yourself why you are doing it. As you understand what’s motivating your lies, you can be more honest with yourself about who you want to be and how you want to act.”