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Raising a child—especially being a single parent—often comes with a certain set of challenges. The hoops moms and dads have to jump through teach them valuable lessons, as most of being a parent comes from personal experience. However, sometimes advice from others might come in handy as well.
Some valuable advice was shared by members of the ‘Ask Reddit’ community. A user addressed the sons of single mothers in the group, asking what is something all moms need to know while raising a boy. Quite a few men were willing to share and provided insight that could arguably be beneficial for any parent out there to know. Scroll down to find their answers on the list below.
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#1
Please.. Never put another man before your son.
Also he is not his father, don't hold him accountable for things that his father may have done.
#2
Let your kid have space. Especially the older they get. Don’t be afraid to text instead of walking in their room or even knocking.
Educate them on alcohol, drugs, sex, cars (safety/ speeding), violence, etc. make sure they know and understand the consequences. How it affects life. What going to jail means (especially after they’d get out). Your kid will drink and do drugs. The best you can do is prep him.
Make condoms available. Don’t try and fool yourself that your son will not have sex before you think he will. Don’t go counting the condoms. Ever. Just put some in a drawer that he readily has access to. His bathroom drawer is generally a good spot but, hey, the kitchen junk drawer works too.
Have male figures around. Your BF (if applicable) does not count. Male friends, family, etc. they don’t need to be the kids father but different male role models (grandfather, uncle, best friends dad, a friend of yours, etc). You don’t need to go and get a husband just for your son. Positive male role models in his life are just the same.
This is more single parent to child:
Be as patient as you can with him. You are both going through hell and back for different reasons in different ways. He’s a kid though and literally doesn’t know and doesn’t even know what to know.
Be open to whoever they bring home as dates. You won’t be able to plan for it.
Tell them you love them, you care about them, you want the best for them. Ask, “How was school?” Every day they have school even if they or you are pissed or whatever. Make sure your kid knows that you are trying and want to do the best for them. That you need to hear from them, also, even if its just an honest, “can I tell you later” reply.
Above all, good luck. I feel lucky with my mother and how she brought me up. Even as bat-Sh7T crazy as she is.
#3
If you don't like the men you've met, raise your son to be a better man. Don't just constantly berate males in general to your son and expect him to just be better.
Being a single parent is tough, but never give your son (or daughter) the "you think you have problems, you're just a kid. You don't even know what problems are." speech.
Claudia Gotthardt 1 year ago
"Problem contests" are never any help in general. Everyone carries their package, and a small problem can be just as painful and hard to overcome as a big one.
#4
If they’ve hit puberty, **knock before entering**. It will save both parties some trauma and awkwardness
Did I say that out loud? (he/him)cis/het 1 year ago
Any parent should be knocking on their chids bedroom door long before puberty.
#5
Do not wake up boys in the morning and immediately ask them to get out of bed.
It *will* result in a very awkward conversation neither of us wants to have. Wake us up and tell us to come do whatever you need in a few minutes.
Mary Bank 1 year ago
OH and to add to this, if you son goes from sleeping to shower right away... don't even mention it. As my son starting to reach teenage he has done this a few times and I just great him with a 'hey you want breakfast' if I am in the kitchen. Thank goodness my hubby warned me about this before hand.
#6
I'd say for boy or girl, never, ever, compare your child to the parent that left. Every time my mom says "Don't act like [Dead beat]" or "Don't make that face, you look like [Dead beat]. It breaks my heart every time because I know just how much she hates him and I don't want that for anyone else.
Phoenix(or nix)they/them 1 year ago
Hey mom, you gonna take it back? I still remember even though it happened in December. I bet you don't remember.
#7
Don’t harass him about girls he likes or dating, it’s not funny or cute to prod, it’s uncomfortable as hell and not something everyone wants to really talk about
#8
Do not expect your son to fill your missing spouses role.
My mom would constantly act like I was some male patriarch of the house, constantly giving me extra stress like financial concerns and death plans. Gave me an unnecessary amount of stress and didnt allow me to have much of a fun childhood since I was "playing dad"
#9
Don't marry someone you don't love because you think your son needs a father-figure or for the sake of financial stability. My mom did, no one came out of it happy.
StrangeOne 1 year ago
I fully believe it's imperative for single parents to not focus so hard in finding a new partner. Let it happen naturally, like if the right person comes along. But it's important to take that relationship slow and never let them be around the kids alone. js
#10
A teenage boy is going to have mood swings from I want to punch everything to I want to hump everything.. he needs outlets to deal with both. And both are helped with healthy doses of privacy so he can sort it out.
#11
Research male puberty so you're prepared to give "The Talk." Also be prepared to teach your son how to shave because his father may not be available to do so himself. My mom was fully prepared for all this and more, she credits that to having 3 brothers and being the only girl. Also don't be afraid to expose him to girly things too! Every boy should also have an understanding of the female body because it helps them empathize with their female friends and family. Also don't be afraid to share your interests and hobbies with him too, it will only deepen your bond! One of my fondest memories of growing up was watching the Golden Girls with my mom.
#12
Boys have a lot of emotions. Teach him to understand his emotions. Teach him that it's okay to feel those emotions.
Also, teach him how to control those emotions. Boys can pretty idiotic at times, and oftentimes emotions are what lead to that idiocy
StrangeOne 1 year ago
I swear the girlfriends and wives end up having to teach this to our boyfriends/husbands because their parents wanted to raise them to be tough.
#13
Leave if you find yourself with more abusive men. It's not fair for a child to feel as though the most important person to him chooses a******s over him. It causes lasting damage.
Tess 1 year ago (edited)
Also don't complain to your children about how awful it is living with them, we f*****g know. Especially when we are 9 & 11. Then proceed to live in the same house as them for the next 18 years. We have to live with them too, more importantly so does our new little sister. We end up with life long complex PTSD, and almost complete gaps in our memories of our childhood. Even the good ones from before you f****d everything up, are gone forever.
#14
I’m a wife of a man who was raised by a single mother. And I can answer this one based on complaints my husband confided in me.
Don’t use your sons as emotional rags soaking up all your problems. We understand you need to vent and don’t have a mate, that’s not your sons fault. Get friends and let your son be little, don’t burden him with your adult problems
cartoon ghosts 1 year ago
My mom does this a ton, even though she's not a single mother. She'll just start telling me about her vaguely abusive childhood and she's also told me stuff about my dad that I really don't want to know and don't think he'd like me knowing and it feels like a huge violation of privacy. To be fair my moms entire thing is huge violations of privacy so idk what I'm expecting
#15
Not a son of a single mother but a medical studnet: please for the love of god teach your son to dry his penis after he leaves the shower. You have no idea how many rashes and infections are caused by that.
Coyote Osborne 1 year ago
Um... I have had a penis my entire life, and as a gay man, I've had access to many others, and I assure you that they are typically water-resistant, like the rest of the body.
#16
If the door is closed. Keep it that way when you exit.
#17
if you're not on good terms with the boys father, don't talk s**t about him constantly and then tell your son that he is "just like his father"
#18
When you meet another man that you fall in love with we are still there and we still need your love and attention
Kathryn Baylis 1 year ago
Always consider your children first, way way in front of your feelings and/or drives. Be careful of who and what this new man in your life is. Take the time to 100% check him out and get to know him before gently and gradually introducing him to your kids. Be sure your kids are prepared for you to potentially marry again, and that doing so is not a slap in your father’s face or her disrespecting his memory at all. Your father and mother may genuinely have told each other that, if anything happened and one of them died, and especially if they died young, they would want their surviving spouse to live the rest of their life. To fall in love again, to remarry, to have children with their new spouse. It’s a thing most normal married couples tell each other, because you don’t know what life-changing event may happen tomorrow. Just be honest with your kids, at an age-appropriate level. Kids can adapt really well, if they’re given to right tools to do so.
#19
Males and females don't necessarily process things the same way in several key areas. This starts being observable in adolescence in subtle ways, but is *especially* true once puberty hits. Testosterone is one hell of a game changer; we are *still* learning about new and weird ways it affects mental, sexual, and, of course, physical development. Testosterone has very significant effects on how many emotions are processed and how males approach various things and giving the young man the impression he should be able to mimic a woman's methods can cause problems when he is incapable of doing so, which is compounded by testosterone's tendency to magnify anger from frustration.
Just one example: it seems to have a significant impact on the ability to cry. It is a pretty common thing for FtM transexuals on testosterone treatments to notice they simply can't cry like they used to (and MtF on inhibitors notice they cry almost uncontrollably often). Shaming a teenage boy for getting angry when frustrated and not crying as a release (which I've seen quite a few single mothers do, if not necessarily intentionally) can do a lot of harm because he may pretty close to literally be unable to and he needs other ways to process the emotions.
Tons of observed differences in how sexual urges work between the sexes, too. Interesting book by a lady who, back in the 90s (might've been 80s), pretended to be a guy for like 2 years. I've only watched the news segments on it and listened to summaries of the chapters, but quite a fair bit was regarding her observations of just how different men's sexual minds were from her own (even as a lesbian, iirc).
TotallyNOTaFox 1 year ago (edited)
Sexual urges are quite different between men and women due to neurological processes - A man is basically ready to go by getting an erection and reaching an orgasm is easy by physical stimulation. Women can get physically aroused without the sexual drive kicking in and require mental stimuli as well for satisfaction. Of course that is a general explaination and can vary for each individual, but that is the current state of science for that topic
#20
Don’t coddle them or act like they’re five years old. Learn to give them independence and grow up.
Susan Bosse 1 year ago
I have to forcibly make myself take a step back. It's so hard but he needs the opportunity to do things himself. He's 21 but always my baby. It's hard as a mom to step back but I'm doing it and making progress all the time.
#21
Something I haven’t seen is remember boys and girls are fundamentally different. You grew up as a girl and think like a girl, and as such have different experiences and different ways of thinking. Do you have a brother, close male friend, father, etc. that you can get advice from? That can help you understand your son’s thought process a bit better.
Male friends are not like female friends, and for better or worse boys are treated differently than girls by their peers, adults, and society as a whole. I know being a woman can suck a lot, but don’t forget there are times it sucks to be a dude too. His problems can sometimes seem trivial but remember you’re his best and possibly only outlet for when the world feels cold and harsh. You can teach him gender equality later, be someone he can rely on first.
RP 1 year ago
I'm in two minds about this. I think that because there is that perception out there, boys get a really raw deal with they are little. So actually NOT thinking about them as fudamentally different is a plus. But being aware that there is a storng perception of difference that leads to different socialisation (as OP points out) is important once they start school. Be aware, yes. Buy into it? No. Raise your boys to be people first and boys second
#22
Not having a father is not that important. I would give my mom father's day presents too because she always did her best. Teach your son to be respectful and do your best, be there as much as you can without being overprotective. Do not go looking for a male figure because there's no need for it, you can be all he needs.
Sonja 1 year ago (edited)
I somewhat disagree. A boy needs a positive male figure in their life and a mother can't be all they need. But that figure doesn't have to be a father or her bf. It can be a grandparent, a teacher, a youth worker or a trustworthy neighbour. An uncle or a big brother. That's all fine.
#23
Be careful of the men you bring into your lives and you allow to spend time with your sons. Some men are into you just for access to your sons.
#24
Definitely inform yourself about the male body. My mother never understood it and could never teach me about myself, I had to discover everything myself, and I did, but those were some years filled with strong anxiety.
#25
Don't be mean to his girlfriends. Less common now, but my mom didn't get the memo.
Manners maketh man.
Knock, speak, and walk away. We heard you. There is no need to open the door.
#26
Don’t berate nor trash talk men with sweeping generalizations. My mom is a single mom and my dad split when I was 10 and my mom trash talked him so much that for about 2 weeks, I just about resented women until I realized how foolish and ignorant of a thing to do it was.
Treat men and women with equal respect.
Think with your brain, not your emotions.
Be clean.
Respect people older than you.
#27
Teach him how to treat a woman
Jill Rhodry 1 year ago
And how to care for himself, basic hygiene, and how to care for a house.
#28
Try and let your son have a positive older male influence in his life. Maybe an uncle or a freind or an older brother who can take him out on bike rides or out fishing or other fun bonding activities. That way he has someone to aspire to be like when he is older and to give him advice on things that you would just never think about.
Cynical, Burnt And Jaded 1 year ago
Big brothers of America. Don't marry to bring a father into the home. A happy and peaceful home is far better than dealing with some a*s/;"@ in your lives.
#29
Don't pass over the parenting duties to someone else and expect them to be raised the same way. My dad left before I was born, when I was half way through middle school like at life 7 for some reason my mum passed me onto my grandparents who I still live with now at 27. And be mindful of what being raised without a second parent figure head is.
KnightOwl 1 year ago
Sometimes it's the best option for everyone involved. My parents are raising my nephew as his parents are drug addicts/alcoholics who spend their life in and out of prison. My nephew is an autistic savant and is extremely intelligent but has no sense of danger. He spent the first few years of his life in what was essentially a crack den and was basically a feral child who had to fend for himself until social services stepped in and removed him. (Our entire family had gone no contact a few yrs before he was born and had no idea he even existed at this point) He is doing amazing now after 2 1/2yrs with my parents, myself and my sisters all helping to raise him, he's surrounded by cousins, friends and a huge extended family who adore him. He has a better life now than his parents could ever have given him, he doesn't quite understand why he's not with his mum and dad yet (he's only 5) but understands that they couldn't keep him safe so he lives with people who can.
What do you think ?
SadieCat17 1 year ago
I see a lot of comments saying "and this doesn't apply to girls?" This thread is about teenage boys specifically and none of the advice specifies that girls do or don't need it. Don't detract focus/attention please.
eame 1 year ago
I think the comments are because the way it's phrased is "what moms need to know raising boys" when the results are not boy-specific, but apply to all children. A better list would be stuff that only applies to boys (e.g. about washing and drying your foreskin, for instance).
Load More Replies...
Malfar 1 year ago
Haven't seen it on the list, unless it is implied in the points about privacy, but - don't impose your religious or esoteric beliefs, even if you consider them right. Children should not be talking about sins or going to hell, or a God who would punish them if they jerk off. Also, they WILL jerk off as soon as they discover that it may bring pleasure, and if you try and shame them out of it, they will still do it, but will just be more distressed about it. Same for the girls, too.
SirWriteALot 1 year ago
As a dad of two boys, and still being married, these were nice to read and still extract useful info. Because just because you are a father doesn't mean you KNOW everything. It#s not like there's a manual included in the box :-D
SadieCat17 1 year ago
I see a lot of comments saying "and this doesn't apply to girls?" This thread is about teenage boys specifically and none of the advice specifies that girls do or don't need it. Don't detract focus/attention please.
eame 1 year ago
I think the comments are because the way it's phrased is "what moms need to know raising boys" when the results are not boy-specific, but apply to all children. A better list would be stuff that only applies to boys (e.g. about washing and drying your foreskin, for instance).
Load More Replies... Malfar 1 year ago
Haven't seen it on the list, unless it is implied in the points about privacy, but - don't impose your religious or esoteric beliefs, even if you consider them right. Children should not be talking about sins or going to hell, or a God who would punish them if they jerk off. Also, they WILL jerk off as soon as they discover that it may bring pleasure, and if you try and shame them out of it, they will still do it, but will just be more distressed about it. Same for the girls, too.
SirWriteALot 1 year ago
As a dad of two boys, and still being married, these were nice to read and still extract useful info. Because just because you are a father doesn't mean you KNOW everything. It#s not like there's a manual included in the box :-D
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