Everything's in the title.

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#1

My mom did drugs and was secretly a prostitute behind my dad's back. My dad then took care of us. My mom hasn't seen us in years, but know she has the audacity to talk to us, even though she abused me and my sister. We are now going to court, and she is playing the victim,a saying that we need a mother, not a father. It's crazy how dads are so under-appreciated!

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Final score:
47points
Emma Vojtech
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#2

I had a psycho family member vote for Trump, both times.

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Final score:
44points
TiaCalenture
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#3

My late mother, a devout Evangelical, cornered me in my bedroom, tackled me and sat on me, "praying" for jesus to bind and cast satan out of me because I was possessed. This was prompted by my having listened to a mix tape of 80's punk music (this was in like 1987 or so). In subsequent months/years, she hung crucifixes in my closet and snuck into my room in the middle of the nigh to "anoint" my forehead with baby oil in the sign of the cross. I was the only one in my school with a zit crucifix.

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Final score:
37points
SlothyK8
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#4

My uncle disappeared for like 3 years and then, just when we had given him up for dead, he reappeared in a hot pink Cadillac with a monkey in the passenger seat. I swear on my grandmother's grave this is true.

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Final score:
34points
Me Oh My (He/They)
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#5

when i was around 7 i woke up and found my mom & aunt sitting at the table, drinking coffee. not that unusual except they were filthy w/dirt, mud, & stuff in their hair. they were just laughing and talking & but they didn't answer my questions re their appearance. fast forward a decade & i asked mom again what was going on that morning. with a very embarassed look she explained that she & my aunt found out where they were filming cool hand luke & they tried to sneak into the area through the fields to get a glimpse of paul newman. she said she thought she saw them but someone either saw or heard them & they took off through the field and bushes. mom & aunt thelma...there was a reason we used to refer to them as lucy and ethel.

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Final score:
33points
talliloo
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#6

That family member would be me. Attempting to remove a lawnmower blade by switching the lawnmower on, whilst holding a wrench in my hand to dislodge a stubborn nut. A BLADE. ROTATING AT 3,000 RPM. MY HAND, 1CM AWAY? What the f uck could go wrong. What the f uck was I thinking? I still have a hand. But more by luck than judgment.

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Final score:
31points
Steve Barnett
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#7

My family decided to do foster care. I want to raise awareness for foster care, and every child needs loving care and a home. What a crazy experience! 😀

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30points
Mya Wilcox
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#8

The aunt that no one talks to saw me in the supermarket together with my then boyfriend when I just started college. I had gained a bit of weight since she last had seen me.
Aunt: “Oh you are pregnant!”
Me: “No I am not.”
Aunt: “Come on be honest that guy over there made you pregnant!”
Me: “No. I had a tough time and I don’t like where this convo is going. Bye.”

Next few weeks my moms landline was ringing non-stop, people whom she hadn’t talked to for years called to congratulate her for becoming a grandma. My mom knowing about the weird encounter told them that crazy aunt made it up and they had a good laugh.

Fast forward 2 years later. A former friend of my mom called to congratulate my mom for becoming a grandma. My mom didn’t get what he was talking about, and the friend explained that he had met crazy aunt earlier that week and she had told him that I would have given birth just recently.

So now she’s not just known as crazy aunt, but also as the aunt who impregnated me AND kept me pregnant for 2 entire years. Never received any baby gifts from her.

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Final score:
28points
Zoysia Chariot
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#9

My brother dated a literal psychopathy. Like a lot of people say that when they don't like their families partners but she did some really creepy demented crap that I can't share for legal reasons. Hate her guts. If you're listening you fake brown haired *****, get out of our lives.

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Final score:
25points
Rockstar
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#10

Ex-family now, but my former father-in-law had a habit of complaining at every restaurant to get discounts and free gift cards - and there was really never anything wrong or he exaggerated any problems. One time he did this a a place where I am a regular customer and it was so embarassing. I told my then wife that I will never go out to dinner with her father again. Well, it's not an issue anymore...

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Final score:
23points
Reynard
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Mary Rose Kent
Mary Rose Kent
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3 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Sort of like that scene in Victor/Victoria where a destitute Julie Andrews brings in a cockroach to put on her salad in order to score a free meal. Of course, in the movie the scene was hysterically funny and not skeevy like it would be in real life.

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#11

Murder, just murder

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Final score:
16points
Ian Kelly
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#12

Well, I thought of this when my aunt gave alcohol (5 different cans) to my 15-year-old cousin and her friend each! And I just want to raise awareness that whether someone does something like that, I just want to know I am not the only one who has this.

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Final score:
15points
Umi chan
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#13

After my dad died, his brother visited my mom. He insisted that she buy special cereal, which he then didn't eat. He pointed at things his mother had given my father, expecting them "back". When he left, he took a bunch of family papers - of my mother's family.

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Final score:
14points
Candia Lee
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Viviane
Viviane
Community Member
3 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I've heard of people asking widows for gifts, pretty much along the lines of "Well, now that your husband's dead, can I have the lawn mower?" So much for consoling widows.

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#14

when I was 11 my mum would make me and my sisters "redo" arguments STAIGHT AFTERWARDS while we were STILL MAD AT EACHOTHER and we had to keep redoing it until she was happy we were polite enough. meanwhile, she got angry all the time and no-one made her redo it!
>:(

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Final score:
14points
PopscotchM
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#15

Oh there are so many, my family is crazy on both sides. But a tamer one would be the time my dad almost died. In his late teens, he and some buddies were at a local hangout when a car full of cute girls cruised by, calling out to them and daring them to follow them. So they hop into the car, chasing each other at breakneck speeds down dirt country roads. My dad lost control of his car, flipped it, and landed underneath it. This was in the days before seat belt laws, and older cars sometimes didn’t even have seatbelts. He only remembers laying there with his friends wailing ‘we’ve killed him!’ The girls felt so bad they all came to visit him in the hospital, crying and one promising to go out with him when he got better. I’m totally expecting him to be all ‘and that’s how I met your mother’ but when I asked if he went out with her, he said he never saw her again when he got out of the hospital. So… totally worth almost killing yourself for, yes?

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13points
Amy G
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#16

Meth heads, pill-poppers, theives, and sex offender, and one that went into the hospital with a bag of meth in her vagina...under police custody.. Oh she went to the hospital to have a baby.

Not my family... Just a family from my past.

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Final score:
11points
Lydia Owen the Bi-tch
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#17

One of my younger sisters was pretty rowdy... got into a lot of fights, was always getting suspended from school, spent a weekend in juvie. One time she got into an altercation with a girl in a parking lot. The girl was yelling from the driver's seat of her car, and my sister was outside. At some point, my sister proceeded to jumping on the girl's car hood and pulling her up through the sunroof by her hair. The girl's weave came loose in my sister's hand, and she fell off the car allowing the girl to drive away. The next morning my sister threw a shopping bag full of weave onto the girl's porch.

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Final score:
10points
Hudge
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#18

My mom who hardly ever drinks one night got drunk, when I was in fifth grade. Now she got drunk right after me and my sister went to bed, my dad wasn't home yet. But at like 10 at night she calls me and my sister to the dining table right. and when we get there she had given us frozen peas and raw chicken. mind you, we already had dinner. And she was cooking several other things and it scared me and my sister. so my sister seeing that my mom had a giant stain on her shirt called my dad and my dad came home soon as possible and sent us to bed and took care of my mom.

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Final score:
10points
mac
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#19

Cured themselves of sepsis ... by doing basically nothing.

I. do. not. know. how.

The Tale as it was relayed to me:
My eldest uncle, who was well into his 70s by this time, AND also lives (yep. still alive today...) in a tropical country in a very 'out of the way and poor' area. You know, bumpkin-town, like 50 people in the village... 2 hour drive to the nearest halfway decent medical center.

He got sick, didn't want to go to the doctor because it was expensive, told no one, not even his like... 3 or 4 adult children who worked 'in the city'. They finally came to see him on the weekend... found him knockin' on death's door.

They freak the heck out (obviously...) and RUSH him to the hospital...

Doctor checks him out... then comes back and tells them "So, your father, he WAS sick ... and he has sepsis *that is in the stages of recovery*.. we didn't do or add anything, just helping with hydration right now. He reversed his own sepsis."

To this day... haven't quite figured out how. There's more than one doctor/specialists in the fam... they can't quite explain it either.

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Final score:
10points
D. Pitbull
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#20

Me and 9 of my cousins (not all first cousins, some were second cousins, others once removed) drove a golf cart when 0 of us had a drivers license. My grandpa let us drive under his supervision. Now you’d think that “oh one of them crashed.”

It wasn’t just one of us, because the way we were driving meant 6 of us all wanted to drive but nobody could decide who. So I was the “gps,” 2 of my cousins were doing the pedals, 1 was a booster seat, and 2 steered. We crashed into the palmettos where we found a bag of chips and ate them.

If you were wondering how old we were, the 4 passengers were 6,13, and 10. Me and the brake cousin were 6, the booster seat was 15, the two people who were steering were 8, and the person on the gas was 12.

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Final score:
9points
Happi doggi (all pronouns)
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Caro Caro
Caro Caro
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Did ya get in trouble??? grounded??? C'mon Happi, tell Caro Caro

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#21

One family member decided to "go somewhere" with his car at 4 AM during a family party. He was blackout drunk. Somebody woke up to the sounds of his car in the backyard. He was so drunk, he couldn't even drive his car out of the backyard.

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Final score:
8points
Titas Burinskas
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#22

during a party my dads cousin got drunk surprisingly early and started duking it out with the host because he wouldnt let him have more alcohol.

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Final score:
8points
best turtle
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Thorfin Wolfsbane
Thorfin Wolfsbane
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3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

nothing shows the host that you are capable of handling more drink than trying to fight them when they cut you off!!!

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#23

Am I my own family? One time I showed up to work a few minutes early, so I sat in my car and called my manager - "I literally just woke up and I'm gonna be late!" They said, "please hurry, but be careful". Then 2 seconds after they hung up I stroll in and laugh at the shocked look on his face. Good times.

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Final score:
8points
Thorfin Wolfsbane
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#24

My mother worked as a CNA for years, then the activity director at the same nursing home. She was very close to many residents. One lovely lady's family wanted her to have the massive leather recliner that was once in the resident's private room. Before it's pointed out, since it was then at the family's home and given to her by them, she was not going against any policy to accept the chair. Anyway, she drove a little red Ford Escort (the hatchback kind that weighs less than 1K pounds). She brought this massive recliner home after her shift, which ended at 10:15 p.m.) on the roof of her car. It was tied down with 24 gait belts. I had to lay in the back seat and kick the roof back into shape the following day. Oh, she also went AWOL with her sister-in-law when she was in her 20s.

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8points
Terilee Bruyere
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#25

My half sister ( long , long story) who had a theology degree, who was a devout Christian, fell in love with a Muslim man from the Middle East. He not only convinced this former feminist to wear a hijab, renounce her Faith, convert to Muslim beliefs and without doubt the dumbest part to smuggle pot, a good amount, in her vagina, to him, in his Homeland. I tried to stop her. She did it several times before she tired of his treatment. She was n never caught for the drug smuggling.

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Final score:
7points
Sheila who?
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ns
ns
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I don't see how feminism and wearing a hijab are incompatible, lots of feminists wear a hijab

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#26

In the space of five years my great-great-aunt Amelia was transformed from a factory worker in Bradford, Yorkshire, into the wife of Harold Heneage Dilke, the illegitimate son of Rosamond Dixie Dilke and Joseph Heneage Finch, 7th Earl of Aylesford. Amelia and Harold were married in Canada - I have no idea how or where they met - and later moved to Bermuda with Rosamond, whose brother Sir Alexander Dixie was married to Lady Florence Douglas, sister of Oscar Wilde's nemesis the Marquess of Queensbury. Lord Aylesford , whose wife ran off with Winston Churchill's uncle, bought a ranch in Texas and drank himself to death at the age of 36.

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Final score:
7points
Julia Atkinson
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#27

My great-aunt had a ring go missing. She and her friend were convinced it was the maid. They kidnapped the maid, tied her up and took her out to the dessert. I’m not sure about the rest of the story. The maid survived and my great-aunt went to prison for 18 months. She says that it wasn’t that bad and it was really more like camp. I think the ring was found later under a lamp or something. I’ve never had the nerve to ask.

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Final score:
7points
AK to LV
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#28

My Uncle once started a burn pile in his backyard. During a burn ban that he didn't know about. Nothing bad happened, luckily, but he did accidentally throw a football into the fire and it burned up.

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Final score:
5points
Black Pearl
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#29

My brother pissed off the US Navy and made CNN. I wish I could share more details, but we are not allowed to as part of the settlement.

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Final score:
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First Name Last Name
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#30

My dog Rocky J Skrobot
Did a flip sideways while walking him

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5points
Lucas Skrobot
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#31

I was a US Navy submariner for 5 years. 'Nuff said

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Final score:
4points
Nolgoth
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#32

My grandpa driving about 80 mph down the highway in a suv older than my mom, while he complained about everyone else going too fast.

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Final score:
4points
Mothsoup
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#33

My brother in the middle of the night got a knife, put it to his neck and started screaming that he would commit suicide but was stopped by daniel. later he did the same with scissors to the same results

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Dargonz
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#34

The aunt that no one talks to saw me in the supermarket together with my then boyfriend when I just started college. I had gained a bit of weight since she last had seen me.
Aunt: “Oh you are pregnant!”
Me: “No I am not.”
Aunt: “Come on be honest that guy over there made you pregnant!”
Me: “No. I had a tough time and I don’t like where this convo is going. Bye.”

Next few weeks my moms landline was ringing non-stop, people whom she hadn’t talked to for years called to congratulate her for becoming a grandma. My mom knowing about the weird encounter told them that crazy aunt made it up and they had a good laugh.

Fast forward 2 years later. A former friend of my mom called to congratulate my mom for becoming a grandma. My mom didn’t get what he was talking about, and the friend explained that he had met crazy aunt earlier that week and she had told him that I would have given birth just recently.

So now she’s not just known as crazy aunt, but also as the aunt who impregnated me AND kept me pregnant for 2 entire years. Never received any baby gifts from her.

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Final score:
0points
Zoysia Chariot
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