Bored Panda got in touch with the founder and admin of the “sounds toxic, but ok” Facebook group and she was kind enough to answer a few of our questions about the group and her own thoughts on what actually constitutes downright toxic behavior. First and foremost, we were curious why the group was started in the first place.

“I created the group originally as an advice group for people to post and reach out anonymously to others for help!” she shared with Bored Panda. As of writing this article, it has over a million followers, so the demand for this content and advice is definitely there. 

We were also curious to hear what she thought drew so many people to view this content, as it can be quite “caustic” for the soul. “I believe people are interested in relatable life stories, and posts, and seeing them put out in a humorous way allows people to laugh about past experiences/ relationships,” she shared. 

Lastly, for such a “popular” word, it can be hard to pin down exactly what it means. So we wanted to hear how she defines being “toxic.” “As for what I define as toxic, I think that everyone has their own limits and barriers when it comes to dating or even personal relationships and you have to figure out what you want to allow. I think it’s also important to reach out to trusted loved ones in your circle if you are unsure if someone in your life is toxic.”

Experts are similarly divided on what exactly makes a relationship toxic. There are a few easy answers, abuse, physical, verbal, or other is definitely as clear a sign to get out as you’ll ever get. But this can create a false dichotomy, where some think the absence of clear abuse means their relationship is fine, even though this is far from the truth. For example, somewhat hostile language, sarcasm, and frequent criticism are common predictors of divorces. 

More often than not, toxic behavior is masked through some indicators of love and protection. A controlling partner will frame their actions and demands through the lens of “it’s better for you.” Of course, setting aside any sort of protective language, it also indicates that they have no trust in your own abilities, which should make you question why they date you in the first place. 

Not to play the devil's advocate, but some toxic partners don’t exactly know any better. Humans mimic the social behavior they have seen. Psychologists have found that people who encounter positive relationships in childhood, for example, a successful marriage, are less likely to exhibit negative and toxic behavior later in life. 

While from the outside, it might seem easy to “just” avoid getting involved with the sort of person you can see here, it’s important to remember that most people are somewhat adept at hiding their most toxic traits until it’s too late. Plus, once you are interested or even in love with someone, you tend to overlook things you really shouldn’t. 

A casual glance through these examples show people who range from insecure to keen on fighting for the sack of fighting. While drama can spice up someone’s day a bit, it’s not controversial to say that most people have a limit for drama. Constantly wondering if your partner hates you, is judging you or something they are doing is a test is a recipe for a short and unhappy relationship. 

The fights might not even be easily identifiable as a fight. Toxic partners love to gaslight, meaning that they will attempt to convince you about what you think and don’t think. Ultimately, it’s all at the service of maintaining power. An unceasing demand for power is often a sign of deep insecurity, which has all sorts of horrible ways to make someone unpleasant to be around. 

The bottom line, if something is really starting to make you unhappy and your partner seems indifferent to it, it won’t magically fix itself and you need to leave. If you want to hear more about bad relationships, Bored Panda has got you covered, you can check out our article on “dead giveaways” that a relationship is toxic.