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Some people have wildly different understandings of masculinity and what it means to be a “real” man. These attitudes can put a lot of pressure on folks to fit certain stereotypes out of fear that they’ll be left out. When, in reality, “real” men do whatever it is that men do, from growing flowers to crying.

After going on a slightly bizarre date, internet user u/Bikini_baby767 sparked a candid and important discussion on r/AskMen. The members of this popular online group opened up about the times that they’ve been called out for not being “real men” while doing completely ordinary things. Scroll down to see what they’ve experienced.

#1

“I Get Called Gay For Doing That”: 35 This ‘Real Men’ Would Never Do, According To Women I like flowers. I grow flowers around my property and sometimes post pictures on Facebook.

Very often I get called gay for doing that. I don’t give a s**t.

BackItUpWithLinks , Tima Miroshnichenko Report

#2

“I Get Called Gay For Doing That”: 35 This ‘Real Men’ Would Never Do, According To Women I once had a girl I was interested in laugh at me for drinking tea and said "what kind of guy drinks tea?"

B***h half my family is British, what do you expect?

Satansleadguitarist , Julia Sakelli Report

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Avoidance_Panda
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5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Heck yeah, as I sip from my morning pint of tea... A pint is about one banana high and about 14 golf balls in volume for anyone across the pond...

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#3

“I Get Called Gay For Doing That”: 35 This ‘Real Men’ Would Never Do, According To Women Because I'm not into cars. I think some look nice and some look bad, but I don't care what engine they have. I don't care how fast they can get to 80mph (there's no highway around that even let's you go that fast). And I don't care what rims or spoiler is on them. They're just methods of transportation to me, but that apparently makes me an undesirable non man.

TehPharaoh , Tobi Report

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Avoidance_Panda
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5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Well then OP then I too am a non man, wheels go round it's blue and makes a click click noise sometimes....#mycar....

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Toxic masculinity is a narrow group of characteristics that have been traditionally associated with what it means to be a “real man.” Often, these attitudes are damaging not only to the individual’s mental, emotional, and physical health, but they also have a negative impact on the people around them.

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To put it bluntly, toxic masculinity is when men are pressured to be aggressive, competitive, selfish, and violent. They’re expected to dominate, take risks, and be promiscuous. They’re also expected to hide “feminine” qualities such as being emotionally vulnerable, asking for help, or showing their true feelings.

#4

“I Get Called Gay For Doing That”: 35 This ‘Real Men’ Would Never Do, According To Women Ordering a hot cocoa instead of beer.

I love flowers.

And I love to cuddle.

OldPyjama , Chester Toh Report

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Rayne OfSalt
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5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

cuddling is the best. i'm gonna go cuddle my cats instead of finishing this listicle.

David
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Cuddling is the best. And a post coital nap/cuddle together is awesome.

Valek Fermiga
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm a man, but the same question still applies, are you single....??

BWC
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My partner calls me her sweet man because I like to cuddle and hug a lot. Affection is very important to.me. None of her previous relationships have been like this and she loves it.

The Amazing Fluffernaut
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Ha, cuddling beats all. You one of my favorite people for having the strength saying that.

Bobert Robertson
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Dude, I just finished a cup of hot cocoa, last two nights I spent after work landscaping and digging in new gardens and planting them, and my wife is away and I cannot wait for her to get home and cuddle. Are you me?

TheAmericanAmerican
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Same here, Brother! My wife has to push me away in bed when I get too cuddly in the summer 😂

SheamusFanFrom1987
Community Member
5 months ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Guy speaking: Can relate to the hot cocoa and cuddling, flowers are 50/50 depending on species. Would happily take cuddles or huddles any time of the day from anyone willing to show some love. Heck, do that for me and hot cocoa is on the Shea-ouse XP

Donkey boi
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I love a hot chocolate before bed. I like making the garden look nice. But don't cuddle me unless we're intimate.

Doctor Strange
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I can't stand beer. I do like flowers, though I'm not into gardening. And cuddle, absolutely. My most favorite times are just being there with someone I love in my arms. On those rare occasions I actually have a woman in my life, my best memories are waking up in the morning, wrapping my arms around her as her head is on my chest.

Avoidance_Panda
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5 months ago

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Personally I don't think you should be ordering that in a pub, tea or coffee at a push. There are enough coffee places in towns these days you can't move for them. If you don't want to drink alcohol fine no problem, but order something quick and easy for the bar staff to make fruit juice/coke. Not hold the whole bar up while they faff around trying to make a drink you could have gotten elsewhere better....

Auntriarch
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

But if the bar is offering hot chocolate, they probably don't think it's a problem

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#5

“I Get Called Gay For Doing That”: 35 This ‘Real Men’ Would Never Do, According To Women A woman came to my house and criticised how neat and clean it was. Apparently, men don't live like that. Turns out her house was an absolute pig sty.

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Ozymandias73
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5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My wife actually hates how clean I am. I hate clutter and untidiness. But, that's due to being raised by my military stepfather who threw a fit whenever anything was out of place or a spec of dust in my room (A KID'S ROOM!) So now, I'm pretty much brainwashed into cleaning all the time.

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#6

Girl in high school told me once if I didn’t drink or smoke I wasn’t a real man. A teacher she liked (they were both Vietnamese and he had been helping her with adjusting to Canada) intervened and said that taking care of your health is what a real man would do….

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Vulnerability can be a powerful way for you to connect to the people around you. Human beings respect each other more when they’re authentic and honest, instead of trying to put up some sort of front.

The irony is that by being open about our weaknesses and embracing our flaws, we actually end up becoming emotionally stronger and more accepted. If, on the other hand, we try to hide our insecurities, we can come off as untrustworthy or “fake.” Alas, even in this day and age, many men are still expected to “just deal with it” on their own if they’re struggling with anything.

#7

“I Get Called Gay For Doing That”: 35 This ‘Real Men’ Would Never Do, According To Women For crying AT A FUNERAL. A lifelong friend of mine lost his sister tragically, and as my friend and I knew each other for almost twenty years, she was like a sister of my own. I was devastated at the service.

Dolorous-Edd15 , cottonbro studio Report

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shar kahl
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s understandable that you would be devastated. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with showing your feelings & crying. Women who insist that men not show their emotions are shallow.

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#8

“I Get Called Gay For Doing That”: 35 This ‘Real Men’ Would Never Do, According To Women Wearing pink. Imagine being so insecure about a colour.

gin-o-cide , Anna Shvets Report

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Vvee Work
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Fun fact: pink was actually used for boys,and blue for girls,let a woman say I'm gay or feminine for wearing anything pink,I'll sit her down like a little girl in school and give her facts to sink into her empty head

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#9

If you don't do what a woman wants you to, she will try to shame you into it by attacking your masculinity. It's selfish, unkind and childishly, transparently manipulative. Stupid, selfish, childish women are not worth keeping in your life.

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It’s hard to build any real connection—or even foster a brotherhood of sorts—if everyone’s constantly avoiding talking about the truth out of fear of “damaging” their reputation or being ostracized.

If you’re struggling with your mental health issues, the rational thing to do would be to ask for help and support. That way, you instantly jump to solving the problem. And that’s much more efficient than suffering alone while putting up a facade of nonchalance. Similarly, if your health is suffering, the logical thing to do is to immediately see your doctor. If you try to ignore the issue or pretend that it’ll all go away on its own, you’re only harming yourself more.

#10

“I Get Called Gay For Doing That”: 35 This ‘Real Men’ Would Never Do, According To Women Owning a cat.

BourbonGuy09 , Yuliya kota Report

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shar kahl
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Pets are the best of us, it makes no difference what type of animal companion someone chooses to have. Your cat is lucky to have you.

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#11

“I Get Called Gay For Doing That”: 35 This ‘Real Men’ Would Never Do, According To Women I wore an apron while cooking.

Bikini_baby767 , cottonbro studio Report

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Poppy
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5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Heaven forbid you want to prevent your clothes getting dirty.

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#12

“I Get Called Gay For Doing That”: 35 This ‘Real Men’ Would Never Do, According To Women Dinner with an ex and her roommate a long time ago. Ordered a salad with grilled salmon on it, roommate thought it was embarrassing because real men are supposed to eat steaks and s**t when going out to dinner. Laughed my a*s off at her.

Aztec_sandstone , Alina Chernysheva Report

Moving away from a culture of toxic masculinity toward healthy masculinity is a long process. It takes years of education to get people to accept the importance of things like vulnerability, emotional intelligence, and embracing who we are instead of fearing social backlash.

However, on an individual level, everyone can foster healthy masculinity. And it all starts with self-awareness. You can try to catch yourself whenever you start judging someone based on stereotypes. Meanwhile, you can encourage your social circle to open up and feel safe around you by showing that you’re not scared of being vulnerable either. Slowly, that should build a shared environment of trust among you, your friends, and your relatives.

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#13

“I Get Called Gay For Doing That”: 35 This ‘Real Men’ Would Never Do, According To Women I paid a moving company to move a bunch of furniture. She massively disrespected me in front of the movers, commenting about how they were "real men" (implying I wasn't). We are no longer together.

Lucr3tius , RDNE Stock project Report

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Avoidance_Panda
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The look on her face when you call the same movers to move you out of her place...lol...

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#14

“I Get Called Gay For Doing That”: 35 This ‘Real Men’ Would Never Do, According To Women I can think of two weird things: for wearing a seat belt while driving and for using an umbrella to stay dry. Not the same woman, and the examples happened years apart.

addeegee , Craig Whitehead Report

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ucp
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Nothing says “macho” better than a lacerated head, as you fly through a windscreen.

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#15

“I Get Called Gay For Doing That”: 35 This ‘Real Men’ Would Never Do, According To Women I rejected her sexual advances. Made me "girly"


I asked another how she felt. That wasn't very manly either, apparently.

Emotional_Load9735 , Monstera Production Report

#16

“I Get Called Gay For Doing That”: 35 This ‘Real Men’ Would Never Do, According To Women My dad said I was a big fairy for wearing deodorant and not just using a bar of soap to wash my hair. Using shampoo made me a big fairy powder puff, apparently.

One of many pearls of wisdom he tried to give me.

He would s**t himself if he knew that I use moisturiser on occasion.

crimsonavenger77 , Tyler B IV Report

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#17

“I Get Called Gay For Doing That”: 35 This ‘Real Men’ Would Never Do, According To Women Liking opera music. Pursuing a PhD instead of construction work or being a trucker idk. Not groping her on our first (and last) date.

CarrotDue5340 , Vasily Koloda Report

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BoredPossum
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

So being cultural and intelligent and a gentleman is gay? Then I'd rather be gay to avoid women like her.

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#18

“I Get Called Gay For Doing That”: 35 This ‘Real Men’ Would Never Do, According To Women Because I called an Uber instead of getting in the car with her when we were both heavily day drinking on a 3rd date. Red flags aplenty all day while bar hopping.

Expensive-Fail7581 , Viktor Avdeev Report

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ucp
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I won’t have a single drink and get into my car. I don’t care what the BAC limit is, for me it’s a zero reading (I do have a morning-after breathalyser).

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#19

Not exactly a "you're not a real man" moment but close. I had a girl once explain that as a girl she gets to do whatever she wants and I need to make sure to hold down the bills and accept her decisions as the man. So I get the only restrictions in the relationship. We broke up, now I am married and welcoming my first child with a perfect woman.

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james stevenson
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

"So, I'm the woman, you're the man. I do what I want, and you pay for it, without question"

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#20

“I Get Called Gay For Doing That”: 35 This ‘Real Men’ Would Never Do, According To Women My ex-wife: A real man makes seven figures. If you can't handle me physically hitting you, then you're not a real man.

Jiggly_Love , RDNE Stock project Report

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shar kahl
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Your wife hitting you is spousal abuse - it works both ways. She has no respect for others. If she’s not willing to stop hitting you then get out while you can.

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#21

“I Get Called Gay For Doing That”: 35 This ‘Real Men’ Would Never Do, According To Women I went on a first date and when we sit down the woman stares at me and gives me a look of utter disgust and asks in an equally contemptuous voice, “Um…. Do you normally wear glasses?”.

Swimming_Bag7362 , Dominika Roseclay Report

#22

I told a girl I wanted to stay at my 5'8 and 140lb lean build given I'm a competitive marathon runner. She said a real guy would be trying to bulk up and be as big as possible.

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BoredPossum
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Eh, different sports need different body compositions? Ever heard of that.

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#23

“I Get Called Gay For Doing That”: 35 This ‘Real Men’ Would Never Do, According To Women Using coupons.

She fully believed that a man should not use coupons. She said it embarrassed her, and often made fun of me for it.

SecuritySky , Erik Mclean Report

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SheamusFanFrom1987
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

So saving money is unmanly, eh? Welp, let me just put on one of me mum's blouse and dress pants, shove them to the brim with coupons, and head to the supermarket for groceries -_-"

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#24

Not me, but I remember one time a woman was talking about how "guys who change a tire with gloves on are pussies." Spoken like someone who had never changed a tire and scraped their knuckles on asphalt lol.

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TotallyNOTAFox
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5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Sorry, but aren't work gloves exactly made for the purpose of... well, doing work with them?

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#25

Had someone tell me it's cringe as a man to live with your parents as an adult, but it's perfectly fine for women to live with their parents as an adult as long as they want.

Always been a weird one to me. Like, so I fall on hard times and my parents want to help, so I guess I'm no longer a man 🤷.

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ucp
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5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Don’t judge someone if you don’t know their circumstances. It’s understandable for a parent to help their offspring, no matter the age. And if I hit a bad patch, and someone who cared about me wanted/could help, I’d have the good grace and gratitude to accept. My sister’s ex, on the other hand, is nearing 40 and has never even explored the idea of finding his own path away from his mother. (It’s a slightly weird dynamic)

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#26

Easy - I was engaged, she had a baby. We break up, turns out baby isn't mine. Her sister ran into a friend of mine and claimed I was the father of said child. When my friend pointed out that the DNA conclusively determined that I was not the father, the ex's sister loudly proclaimed, "A real man would have stepped up and taken care of the baby anyway!" Pure insanity.

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ucp
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The baby, maybe, but I’d never step up to look after a cheating PoS.

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#27

Every time I’d call out my ex for being rude to me, she’d say “be a man. A man would just take it. Instead of complaining over a little thing.” Every single day she would say the meanest things to me and she expected me to just take it cuz that’s being a man. I found it ironic cuz I thought a man WOULD defend himself against a mean person. That’s what a man would do.

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Kerry M
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5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I had an ex who would be really rude to me, and when I spoke to her about it she said “it’s just the heat of the moment - in future just tell me to stop being so rude and I’ll calm down”. Next time we had an argument it started again and I said “Please don’t talk to me like that”. Her response? “I’ll talk to you however I f*****g like”.

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#28

I still shave with an actual straight razor made by rolls razor in 1942 in London England. My ex told me shaving with that razor was womanly and should only be used for decoration. And to quote her ( any man that uses British steel is a b***h ) and quote.

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BoredPossum
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5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Everybody knows that real men shave with a viking battle axe, during a raid to plunder a cloister in east Britain.

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#29

Wearing flip flops with a strap between the toes, using lotion, crying at my grandpa's funeral, crying at my grandmas funeral, not wanting to have sex after a child abuse case, not wanting sex just because I wasn't in the mood, taking baths, getting a massage.......... women love telling men what's a real man.

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#30

I didn't simply give her money whenever she asked for it.

She deemed herself entitled to men's money - even if she didn't even know them.

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#31

"You need to grow a beard."

"You need to get some tattoos."

Because *real men* grow beards and get tattoos.

Funny story -- I had a buddy who was single and a female friend who was single. She liked guys with tattoos, and my buddy had many. The three of us are hanging out, but I could tell they weren't connecting. I talked to her later on and she explained that he was all right, but she didn't like all the tattoos he had. I pointed out that she liked guys with tattoos. She further explained that while this was true, he "didn't have the right kind" of tattoos. My friend had tattoos relating to comic books, and she found that to be a turn off. She even went so far to say that "real men" don't get tattoos like that.

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#32

Not making a move or trying to have sex with her while she was drunk. She called me gay and lame lol.

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#33

Using moisturizer in winter and sunscreen in the summer cuz it's not manly. Heard this from an ex and my own mother.

Also, I use hand gestures to articulate my body language as I was taught in my pulbic speaking classes, but that's gay and effeminate. Same culprits. One I was able to run away from, but the other one just makes me sad.

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#34

Ex wife told me I wasn’t a man because I “curled up” when I bundle up with a blanket on the couch.

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Fat Harry (Oi / You)
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5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Not only do I curl up on the sofa sometimes, I do it with a blanket and cuddling the dog!

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#35

“I Get Called Gay For Doing That”: 35 This ‘Real Men’ Would Never Do, According To Women First gf said I'm not a real man for using a shower loofah to wash myself. She would just put soap in her hands and spread it on herself.

teepring , Karolina Grabowska Report

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LB
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5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is the second time where women are calling someone 'not a man' for something they themselves *don't* do. I'm so confused.

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#36

Once an ex told me I wasn't a real man for not being able to support both of us financially when she quit her job. I was still a student & an intern at a law firm at the time. That one stung for a while.

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ucp
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5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My wife and I met at university. We were poor together, we scraped for our first house and our wedding together. We saved together. We are now both close to retirement after successful careers (I’m already there, she’s semi-retired). A real man works in partnership with his SO. As does a real woman. They don’t just quit a job (unless there are extenuating circumstances) when they know their partner is low-paid, but working towards a better future. I trust your future became better without her.

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#37

I wouldn't approach some random woman's friend at a bar. She said that I wasn't a "real man" and I was "obviously gay."

The backstory was I was out with a few friends having dinner and a few drinks. At the time, my mental health wasn't the best. I was stressed from work, had some personal issues, and I wasn't in the right head space to date anyone.

This random woman comes up to me and tells me her friend thinks I'm cute and wanted to meet me. She then proceeded to try and convince me to go over to her table and talk to her. When she realized her first attempts weren't working, she then began berating me, and making false assumptions, I guess to save her friend's ego.

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Rayne OfSalt
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Before I came out, when I was still pretending that I was the male my physical body presented, I had a woman at a bar come up to me and say "you've got a d1ck, buy me a drink". When I politely said no, she slugged me in the face, cutting my cheek open with one of her rings. My vision cleared up just in time for me to see the bouncers *throw* her out of the pub. That was an interesting evening.

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#38

Cleaning.

Even weirder considering she came over right after I got done working out and was cleaning and oiling the barbells in my home gym when she said it.

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Penguin Panda Pop
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Implied here is that working out is more manly somehow. OP has slightly fallen into the trap. Not gonna downvote them for it because I'm a real man.

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#39

Either:

- Once my grandma said I “wasn’t a real man” because I was crying and “boys don’t cry”. Lady I had a whole surgery…

- Someone I knew said I “wasn’t a real man” because I couldn’t lift them up, so apparently I couldn’t “protect” them at night.

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Papa
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Head_up_his_butt (also known as Head_on_a_Stick) has never been in severe pain. I've walked into the ER with a migraine crying like a baby, and I'm not ashamed to admit it.

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#40

I wasn't a real man because she saw I had this ["girly" song](https://youtu.be/ViB4IR-7mtk?si=WbyexS9BHRsAX4hI) in my YouTube history when we were just chillin watching random funny clips.

"Seriously? Hard men don't listen to girly s**t like this lololol" That was her reaction upon listening to it when she wanted to hear it out of curiosity. Killed the vibe for me. I stopped talking to her after that.

Yea I do listen to rap 95% of the time but I get bored of that s**t sometimes. Different types of music can move me.

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ColdSteelRonin
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I enjoy everything. Lindsay Sterling to The Genitortures can be found on my playlist. Used to like turning people on to Enya in the 90s. A lot of women called would call me girly or gay but most men enjoyed it. Put it on while having some beers with my neighbors and their friends once. One of the guys I knew fairly well, big redneck and listened to nothing but country music looked at me and said, "I don't know what this is but I know I like it".

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#41

Because I liked a song from Sweeney Todd.

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#42

"If you can not chop wood with an axe all day, you are not a real man".

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ucp
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Pfft. A real man doesn’t need an axe. He just uses his hands! Obviously

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#43

Driving a Ford Focus.

TomBonner1 Report

#44

I get called girly by women all the time because I take care of myself like crazy. I have a skincare routine, I go to the spa, I get manicures, grooming on point. Dressing on point. I pamper myself. I like the finer things in life.

I guess I'm pretty metro, but I'm good looking and very clean cut. They learn to love it and always come back for more. So whatever bruh, call me girly all you want.

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Auntriarch
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5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Carry on with your routine, sounds like you have an excellent arsëhole filter there

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