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Some people have wildly different understandings of masculinity and what it means to be a “real” man. These attitudes can put a lot of pressure on folks to fit certain stereotypes out of fear that they’ll be left out. When, in reality, “real” men do whatever it is that men do, from growing flowers to crying.

After going on a slightly bizarre date, internet user u/Bikini_baby767 sparked a candid and important discussion on r/AskMen. The members of this popular online group opened up about the times that they’ve been called out for not being “real men” while doing completely ordinary things. Scroll down to see what they’ve experienced.

#1

“I Get Called Gay For Doing That”: 35 This ‘Real Men’ Would Never Do, According To Women I like flowers. I grow flowers around my property and sometimes post pictures on Facebook.

Very often I get called gay for doing that. I don’t give a s**t.

BackItUpWithLinks , Tima Miroshnichenko Report

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madeleine f
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3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

How fragile must your masculinity be if you can't even appreciate nature?

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#2

“I Get Called Gay For Doing That”: 35 This ‘Real Men’ Would Never Do, According To Women I once had a girl I was interested in laugh at me for drinking tea and said "what kind of guy drinks tea?"

B***h half my family is British, what do you expect?

Satansleadguitarist , Julia Sakelli Report

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Avoidance_Panda
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3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Heck yeah, as I sip from my morning pint of tea... A pint is about one banana high and about 14 golf balls in volume for anyone across the pond...

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#3

“I Get Called Gay For Doing That”: 35 This ‘Real Men’ Would Never Do, According To Women Because I'm not into cars. I think some look nice and some look bad, but I don't care what engine they have. I don't care how fast they can get to 80mph (there's no highway around that even let's you go that fast). And I don't care what rims or spoiler is on them. They're just methods of transportation to me, but that apparently makes me an undesirable non man.

TehPharaoh , Tobi Report

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Avoidance_Panda
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3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Well then OP then I too am a non man, wheels go round it's blue and makes a click click noise sometimes....#mycar....

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Toxic masculinity is a narrow group of characteristics that have been traditionally associated with what it means to be a “real man.” Often, these attitudes are damaging not only to the individual’s mental, emotional, and physical health, but they also have a negative impact on the people around them.

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To put it bluntly, toxic masculinity is when men are pressured to be aggressive, competitive, selfish, and violent. They’re expected to dominate, take risks, and be promiscuous. They’re also expected to hide “feminine” qualities such as being emotionally vulnerable, asking for help, or showing their true feelings.

#4

“I Get Called Gay For Doing That”: 35 This ‘Real Men’ Would Never Do, According To Women Ordering a hot cocoa instead of beer.

I love flowers.

And I love to cuddle.

OldPyjama , Chester Toh Report

#5

“I Get Called Gay For Doing That”: 35 This ‘Real Men’ Would Never Do, According To Women A woman came to my house and criticised how neat and clean it was. Apparently, men don't live like that. Turns out her house was an absolute pig sty.

working_class_tired Report

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Ozymandias73
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3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My wife actually hates how clean I am. I hate clutter and untidiness. But, that's due to being raised by my military stepfather who threw a fit whenever anything was out of place or a spec of dust in my room (A KID'S ROOM!) So now, I'm pretty much brainwashed into cleaning all the time.

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#6

Girl in high school told me once if I didn’t drink or smoke I wasn’t a real man. A teacher she liked (they were both Vietnamese and he had been helping her with adjusting to Canada) intervened and said that taking care of your health is what a real man would do….

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Vulnerability can be a powerful way for you to connect to the people around you. Human beings respect each other more when they’re authentic and honest, instead of trying to put up some sort of front.

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The irony is that by being open about our weaknesses and embracing our flaws, we actually end up becoming emotionally stronger and more accepted. If, on the other hand, we try to hide our insecurities, we can come off as untrustworthy or “fake.” Alas, even in this day and age, many men are still expected to “just deal with it” on their own if they’re struggling with anything.

#7

“I Get Called Gay For Doing That”: 35 This ‘Real Men’ Would Never Do, According To Women For crying AT A FUNERAL. A lifelong friend of mine lost his sister tragically, and as my friend and I knew each other for almost twenty years, she was like a sister of my own. I was devastated at the service.

Dolorous-Edd15 , cottonbro studio Report

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shar kahl
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3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s understandable that you would be devastated. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with showing your feelings & crying. Women who insist that men not show their emotions are shallow.

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#8

“I Get Called Gay For Doing That”: 35 This ‘Real Men’ Would Never Do, According To Women Wearing pink. Imagine being so insecure about a colour.

gin-o-cide , Anna Shvets Report

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Vvee Work
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3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Fun fact: pink was actually used for boys,and blue for girls,let a woman say I'm gay or feminine for wearing anything pink,I'll sit her down like a little girl in school and give her facts to sink into her empty head

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Me.
Community Member
3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If you cobble together a couple time periods worth of outfits, this can result in wearing a very masculine bright pink miniskirt (medieval tunic) and high heels( intended for cavalry)

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Nathaniel He/Him Cis-Het
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3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I am not wearing a pink shirt, the colour is salmon, a light reddish colour,totally not pink.

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Bouche and Audi and Shyla, Oh My!
Community Member
3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm extremely proud of you for knowing salmon is a color. Did you have a box of 64 Crayola's with the sharpener built right in?

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madeleine f
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3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

In the 19th century boys often wore pink as it was seen as a masculine colour. Think it has something to do with wounds and war if I remember correctly.

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Kathleen McGann
Community Member
3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

You mean 18th century. By the 19th century, men were wearing brown and black and navy almost exclusively.

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ucp
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3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I was once told, by a gay man, that mine was the campest jumper he’d ever seen. I thanked him. We did know each other well, so it was all in good spirits.

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unfilteredCigarette73
Community Member
3 months ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

A shell pink fender stratocaster with a maple fretboard is next on my list of guitars to acquire

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R Dennis
Community Member
3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I have a pink shirt. I also have a purple wheelchair and a rose gold tablet... pretty sure I can have whatever tf I want in whatever tf color I want.

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Mingey
Community Member
3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Back in the day when men went off to war on horses, some had red coats, to disguise the blood, that faded to pink over time, so the pinker your cost went it meant being at war for a long time...so only the bravest men wore pink because they earned it!!!!!

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Ephemera Image
Community Member
3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm a woman, and I hate pink. But I will not care what anyone else wears.

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Heather Menard
Community Member
3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I actually won't wear rainbows because I don't want to be catogorized

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jenniferann bunch
Community Member
3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I had a guy friend in high school who had a pink t-shirt that said "keep laughing, this is your girlfriend's t-shirt". I loved that kid!😂

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Evelien Stijger Martens
Community Member
3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Pink used to be a boys colour and my husband always has at least one pink shirt. It looks good.

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moggie63
Community Member
3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I spent my life in black, blue and grey. The last kindle I bought is pink. So is the case. My t-shirts are all colours. It's taken me 60 years to discover colour.

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Giraffy Window
Community Member
3 months ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Pink was only ever a "boy's" colour in colonist society until a princess insisted on wearing the colour for her wedding. After that, popularity began to shift. People religiously against colours not having gender assignments really need to just not... Be.... Against it.

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Dirk Daring
Community Member
3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Guy at work told me he was going to revoke my "Man Card" for wearing a pink shirt. I told him that it's in my wallet, and if he wants it, come try to take it. That seemed to change his tune.

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CG
Community Member
3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Not so much wearing pink, but I'm drinking out of a pink water bottle as I'm typing this comment. It's just a colour.

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René Sauer
Community Member
3 months ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I have a pink microwave! I admit, I only took that that color because others were sold out and I really needed one, but still 😁

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Regina Holt
Community Member
3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I knew someone years ago, her husband was colorblind, could not tell pink from gray, but was sensitive about ever wearing pink. One time they showed up and he was wearing a gray sweater and wife was wearing a pink sweater. I jokingly said something about them wearing matching pink sweaters, and you could see the pure horror on his face. Ha, it was so fun.

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similarly
Community Member
3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

JUST today a woman at work, who was picking out team t-shirts, told me "Some people have requested pink, but of course we can't have that because of you and (another male coworker)" and I just laughed. "I actually HAVE and WEAR pink shirts sometimes. I'm okay with pink." Pretty sure the other guy is too.

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SuperChicken
Community Member
3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

What's wrong with men wearing pink? Seriously. Btw, anyone remember the preppy look of the 80s, when men wore pink, purple and funky colors? Fun times.

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Meyrin
Community Member
3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm not much for pink but if it makes you happy I see no issue. Also purple ftw

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PFD
Community Member
3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Setting aside how stupid this is on the face of it, pink is often associated with performative hetero masculinity. (Andrew Tate often wears pink t-shirts, for example, and you can't get much more extreme and performative than that.)

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BoredPossum
Community Member
3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If you can't feel manly in a pink tutu, you'd better work on your self confidence.

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#9

If you don't do what a woman wants you to, she will try to shame you into it by attacking your masculinity. It's selfish, unkind and childishly, transparently manipulative. Stupid, selfish, childish women are not worth keeping in your life.

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It’s hard to build any real connection—or even foster a brotherhood of sorts—if everyone’s constantly avoiding talking about the truth out of fear of “damaging” their reputation or being ostracized.

If you’re struggling with your mental health issues, the rational thing to do would be to ask for help and support. That way, you instantly jump to solving the problem. And that’s much more efficient than suffering alone while putting up a facade of nonchalance. Similarly, if your health is suffering, the logical thing to do is to immediately see your doctor. If you try to ignore the issue or pretend that it’ll all go away on its own, you’re only harming yourself more.

#10

“I Get Called Gay For Doing That”: 35 This ‘Real Men’ Would Never Do, According To Women Owning a cat.

BourbonGuy09 , Yuliya kota Report

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shar kahl
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3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Pets are the best of us, it makes no difference what type of animal companion someone chooses to have. Your cat is lucky to have you.

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#11

“I Get Called Gay For Doing That”: 35 This ‘Real Men’ Would Never Do, According To Women I wore an apron while cooking.

Bikini_baby767 , cottonbro studio Report

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Poppy
Community Member
3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Heaven forbid you want to prevent your clothes getting dirty.

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#12

“I Get Called Gay For Doing That”: 35 This ‘Real Men’ Would Never Do, According To Women Dinner with an ex and her roommate a long time ago. Ordered a salad with grilled salmon on it, roommate thought it was embarrassing because real men are supposed to eat steaks and s**t when going out to dinner. Laughed my a*s off at her.

Aztec_sandstone , Alina Chernysheva Report

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Moving away from a culture of toxic masculinity toward healthy masculinity is a long process. It takes years of education to get people to accept the importance of things like vulnerability, emotional intelligence, and embracing who we are instead of fearing social backlash.

However, on an individual level, everyone can foster healthy masculinity. And it all starts with self-awareness. You can try to catch yourself whenever you start judging someone based on stereotypes. Meanwhile, you can encourage your social circle to open up and feel safe around you by showing that you’re not scared of being vulnerable either. Slowly, that should build a shared environment of trust among you, your friends, and your relatives.

#13

“I Get Called Gay For Doing That”: 35 This ‘Real Men’ Would Never Do, According To Women I paid a moving company to move a bunch of furniture. She massively disrespected me in front of the movers, commenting about how they were "real men" (implying I wasn't). We are no longer together.

Lucr3tius , RDNE Stock project Report

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Avoidance_Panda
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3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The look on her face when you call the same movers to move you out of her place...lol...

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#14

“I Get Called Gay For Doing That”: 35 This ‘Real Men’ Would Never Do, According To Women I can think of two weird things: for wearing a seat belt while driving and for using an umbrella to stay dry. Not the same woman, and the examples happened years apart.

addeegee , Craig Whitehead Report

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ucp
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3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Nothing says “macho” better than a lacerated head, as you fly through a windscreen.

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#15

“I Get Called Gay For Doing That”: 35 This ‘Real Men’ Would Never Do, According To Women I rejected her sexual advances. Made me "girly"


I asked another how she felt. That wasn't very manly either, apparently.

Emotional_Load9735 , Monstera Production Report

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#16

“I Get Called Gay For Doing That”: 35 This ‘Real Men’ Would Never Do, According To Women My dad said I was a big fairy for wearing deodorant and not just using a bar of soap to wash my hair. Using shampoo made me a big fairy powder puff, apparently.

One of many pearls of wisdom he tried to give me.

He would s**t himself if he knew that I use moisturiser on occasion.

crimsonavenger77 , Tyler B IV Report

#17

“I Get Called Gay For Doing That”: 35 This ‘Real Men’ Would Never Do, According To Women Liking opera music. Pursuing a PhD instead of construction work or being a trucker idk. Not groping her on our first (and last) date.

CarrotDue5340 , Vasily Koloda Report

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BoredPossum
Community Member
3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

So being cultural and intelligent and a gentleman is gay? Then I'd rather be gay to avoid women like her.

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#18

“I Get Called Gay For Doing That”: 35 This ‘Real Men’ Would Never Do, According To Women Because I called an Uber instead of getting in the car with her when we were both heavily day drinking on a 3rd date. Red flags aplenty all day while bar hopping.

Expensive-Fail7581 , Viktor Avdeev Report

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ucp
Community Member
3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I won’t have a single drink and get into my car. I don’t care what the BAC limit is, for me it’s a zero reading (I do have a morning-after breathalyser).

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#19

Not exactly a "you're not a real man" moment but close. I had a girl once explain that as a girl she gets to do whatever she wants and I need to make sure to hold down the bills and accept her decisions as the man. So I get the only restrictions in the relationship. We broke up, now I am married and welcoming my first child with a perfect woman.

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james stevenson
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3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

"So, I'm the woman, you're the man. I do what I want, and you pay for it, without question"

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#20

“I Get Called Gay For Doing That”: 35 This ‘Real Men’ Would Never Do, According To Women My ex-wife: A real man makes seven figures. If you can't handle me physically hitting you, then you're not a real man.

Jiggly_Love , RDNE Stock project Report

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shar kahl
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3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Your wife hitting you is spousal abuse - it works both ways. She has no respect for others. If she’s not willing to stop hitting you then get out while you can.

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#21

“I Get Called Gay For Doing That”: 35 This ‘Real Men’ Would Never Do, According To Women I went on a first date and when we sit down the woman stares at me and gives me a look of utter disgust and asks in an equally contemptuous voice, “Um…. Do you normally wear glasses?”.

Swimming_Bag7362 , Dominika Roseclay Report

#22

I told a girl I wanted to stay at my 5'8 and 140lb lean build given I'm a competitive marathon runner. She said a real guy would be trying to bulk up and be as big as possible.

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BoredPossum
Community Member
3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Eh, different sports need different body compositions? Ever heard of that.

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#23

“I Get Called Gay For Doing That”: 35 This ‘Real Men’ Would Never Do, According To Women Using coupons.

She fully believed that a man should not use coupons. She said it embarrassed her, and often made fun of me for it.

SecuritySky , Erik Mclean Report

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SheamusFanFrom1987
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3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

So saving money is unmanly, eh? Welp, let me just put on one of me mum's blouse and dress pants, shove them to the brim with coupons, and head to the supermarket for groceries -_-"

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#24

Not me, but I remember one time a woman was talking about how "guys who change a tire with gloves on are pussies." Spoken like someone who had never changed a tire and scraped their knuckles on asphalt lol.

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TotallyNOTAFox
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3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Sorry, but aren't work gloves exactly made for the purpose of... well, doing work with them?

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#25

Had someone tell me it's cringe as a man to live with your parents as an adult, but it's perfectly fine for women to live with their parents as an adult as long as they want.

Always been a weird one to me. Like, so I fall on hard times and my parents want to help, so I guess I'm no longer a man 🤷.

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ucp
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3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Don’t judge someone if you don’t know their circumstances. It’s understandable for a parent to help their offspring, no matter the age. And if I hit a bad patch, and someone who cared about me wanted/could help, I’d have the good grace and gratitude to accept. My sister’s ex, on the other hand, is nearing 40 and has never even explored the idea of finding his own path away from his mother. (It’s a slightly weird dynamic)

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#26

Easy - I was engaged, she had a baby. We break up, turns out baby isn't mine. Her sister ran into a friend of mine and claimed I was the father of said child. When my friend pointed out that the DNA conclusively determined that I was not the father, the ex's sister loudly proclaimed, "A real man would have stepped up and taken care of the baby anyway!" Pure insanity.

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ucp
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3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The baby, maybe, but I’d never step up to look after a cheating PoS.

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#27

Every time I’d call out my ex for being rude to me, she’d say “be a man. A man would just take it. Instead of complaining over a little thing.” Every single day she would say the meanest things to me and she expected me to just take it cuz that’s being a man. I found it ironic cuz I thought a man WOULD defend himself against a mean person. That’s what a man would do.

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Kerry M
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3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I had an ex who would be really rude to me, and when I spoke to her about it she said “it’s just the heat of the moment - in future just tell me to stop being so rude and I’ll calm down”. Next time we had an argument it started again and I said “Please don’t talk to me like that”. Her response? “I’ll talk to you however I f*****g like”.

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#28

I still shave with an actual straight razor made by rolls razor in 1942 in London England. My ex told me shaving with that razor was womanly and should only be used for decoration. And to quote her ( any man that uses British steel is a b***h ) and quote.

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BoredPossum
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3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Everybody knows that real men shave with a viking battle axe, during a raid to plunder a cloister in east Britain.

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#29

Wearing flip flops with a strap between the toes, using lotion, crying at my grandpa's funeral, crying at my grandmas funeral, not wanting to have sex after a child abuse case, not wanting sex just because I wasn't in the mood, taking baths, getting a massage.......... women love telling men what's a real man.

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#30

I didn't simply give her money whenever she asked for it.

She deemed herself entitled to men's money - even if she didn't even know them.

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#31

"You need to grow a beard."

"You need to get some tattoos."

Because *real men* grow beards and get tattoos.

Funny story -- I had a buddy who was single and a female friend who was single. She liked guys with tattoos, and my buddy had many. The three of us are hanging out, but I could tell they weren't connecting. I talked to her later on and she explained that he was all right, but she didn't like all the tattoos he had. I pointed out that she liked guys with tattoos. She further explained that while this was true, he "didn't have the right kind" of tattoos. My friend had tattoos relating to comic books, and she found that to be a turn off. She even went so far to say that "real men" don't get tattoos like that.

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#32

Not making a move or trying to have sex with her while she was drunk. She called me gay and lame lol.

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#33

Using moisturizer in winter and sunscreen in the summer cuz it's not manly. Heard this from an ex and my own mother.

Also, I use hand gestures to articulate my body language as I was taught in my pulbic speaking classes, but that's gay and effeminate. Same culprits. One I was able to run away from, but the other one just makes me sad.

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#34

Ex wife told me I wasn’t a man because I “curled up” when I bundle up with a blanket on the couch.

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Fat Harry (Oi / You)
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3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Not only do I curl up on the sofa sometimes, I do it with a blanket and cuddling the dog!

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#35

“I Get Called Gay For Doing That”: 35 This ‘Real Men’ Would Never Do, According To Women First gf said I'm not a real man for using a shower loofah to wash myself. She would just put soap in her hands and spread it on herself.

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LB
Community Member
3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is the second time where women are calling someone 'not a man' for something they themselves *don't* do. I'm so confused.

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