When planning a wedding, the couple likely imagines being surrounded by their closest family and friends. However, life has a funny way of sneaking up on us, and sometimes this is not possible. 

For redditor Old_Explanation6923, something that prevented her from celebrating her best friend’s special day was a concert she had booked way prior to her getting married. Although the bride knew of her plans in advance, she expected her to cancel them. When she refused, she consequently angered the bride, putting their friendship at risk.

Scroll down to find the full story and a conversation with Hannah Chala, event producer and founder of More Events CA, who kindly agreed to give us some pointers on how to announce such news to a best friend.

Sometimes, celebrating a best friend’s special day is just not possible

Image credits: Mikhail Nilov (not the actual photo)

Just like what happened to this friend, who decided to choose a concert over her best friend’s wedding

Image credits: GE Gifts (not the actual photo)

Image source: Old_Explanation6923

Breaking such news to your best friend requires honesty and empathy

Image credits: Liza Summer (not the actual photo)

There are plenty of reasons why a person might not make it to the bride and groom’s big day. Perhaps they’ve started a new job and aren’t able to take time off for a destination or workday wedding. Or they might be dealing with personal issues that demand the entirety of their attention. 

Bored Panda reached out to Hannah Chala, event producer and founder of More Events CA, who tells us that breaking such news to your best friend requires honesty and empathy, especially if they were asked to be a bridesmaid. “This is best done in person,” she says.

“Start by expressing your regret for not being able to attend, and provide a genuine reason why it’s not possible. And of course, do your best to reassure her of your continued support and love, and if you’re so inclined, offer to be there for her during the planning process.”

If upset feelings lead to disagreements, Chala recommends allowing the bride to process her thoughts and encouraging her to express what she needs when she’s ready. “The key is to validate each other’s perspectives and work towards understanding and forgiveness. Reaffirm the importance of your friendship and focus on ways that you can move forward,” she adds.

Finding other ways to celebrate the occasion with the couple might help reduce any resentment

Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual photo)

Once the hard part is over, try not to distance yourself from the friend because you’re guilty. “Often people want to disappear because they feel uncomfortable when the exact opposite should happen,” etiquette expert Diane Gottsman said. Being mature about it and checking in with them throughout the wedding process shows your support and enthusiasm for the big day, even though you won’t be there.

Chala suggests that helping with certain aspects of wedding day preparations is a great starting point. “This can include wedding dress shopping, collecting photos for a wedding day slide show, or helping plan and attend pre-wedding events (bachelorette party, wedding shower).

For the wedding day itself, you can send a card for the bride to open on the wedding morning, FaceTime while she’s getting ready, send a video message, or arrange a special dinner or outing (spa day anyone?!) before or after the wedding, or contribute to their honeymoon fund.”

Chala herself has been in the bride’s place, as her best friend and bridesmaid couldn’t attend because she just had her second baby and wasn’t able to travel across the country. She shares, “I was of course devastated when she initially told me, but over the course of my engagement, she was always supportive, listened to me vent about wedding planning, helped where she could, attended my wedding shower, and was even there for me from afar on my wedding day.

She sent me a really sweet card for me to open during the morning, along with a small gift that was my “something borrowed.” And then, a few months after the wedding, when we came home for the holidays, she and her husband took me and my new husband out for an amazing dinner. To this day (10 years later), we are still the best of friends.”

The author received undivided support from readers

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