Blue-haired old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re next!” They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

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Caro Caro

Caro Caro

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2 years ago

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This made me Laugh Out Loud. I must remember this one. Brilliant !

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"The only way I'm coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do."

jwoodham Report

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"I want my wedding catered by the Costco sample people."

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angellatheboredd

angellatheboredd

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2 years ago

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This is the most valid statement. No one is allowed to object.

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GF: "You're so childish."

Me: "It's my day too Linda."

[we sit in silence]

Wedding planner: "So is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?"

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KC

KC

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2 years ago

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A yes

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I went to a cannibals wedding last weekend. All was going well until they decided to toast the Bride and Groom.

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Robert Trebor

Robert Trebor

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2 years ago

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Did they add cheese? I like toasted cheese sandwiches.

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I bought a ticket to the World Cup finals without realizing it’s also my wedding day! Does anyone want to go in my place?

The church is St. Antony’s and the bride’s name is Joanna.

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On my wedding day, I walked down the aisle with my back to the altar. I really wasn't looking forward to getting married.

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•°3hannah2°•

•°3hannah2°•

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2 years ago

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"Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life."

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I went to a wedding where all the guests ended up getting food poisoning from the buffet. It was a real party pooper.

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My friend was telling me about a wedding he is going to next year. He said he'll be wearing the same kilt as the groom. I love the idea, but I'm really not sure how they're both going to fit into it.

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"The older I get the more I want to know exactly how Katherine Heigl's character could afford to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings."

betchesluvthis Report

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"People’s put the weirdest shit on their wedding registries. What the hell are you going to do with a crystal duck Katie?"

Kica333 Report

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"Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall."

pleatedjeans Report

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"Going to a wedding with a dressy casual dress code so I guess I’m wearing silk pajamas."

adamgreattweet Report

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My wife emailed me our wedding photos, but I couldn’t open any of the files. I always have trouble with emotional attachments.

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My ex-wife kept the only copy of our wedding video. I can’t see myself getting married again.

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My friend wanted to feel like a princess on her wedding day. So we made her marry a man she never met in order to secure a French alliance.

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"When I get married I'm gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they'll know about the wedding but won't be allowed to go."

bobvulfov Report

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Amelia Hoover

Amelia Hoover

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2 years ago

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I probably won't get married but if I do I'm going to do this

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"I didn't know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer."

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"If I ever get married I think I will make everyone wear crocs to the wedding. Dress code: croctail attire."

montana_denton Report

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What do Polish men give their wives on their wedding day that’s long and hard?

Their last name.

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I just saw two nuclear technicians getting married. The bride was radiant, and the groom was glowing.

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Marriage is becoming more and more progressive. I hear two scoutmasters decided to tie the knot.

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Why can't a vampire see his bride on the wedding day?

Because an open casket ceremony costs more.

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"Wedding vows, but it's just me letting you have one of my French fries."

errdayhustlah Report

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"Sorry but I can not attend your wedding as your lack of nacho cheese fountain does not fit my personal brand."

davedittell Report

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MelodyHope666

MelodyHope666

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2 years ago

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If only I could upvote something twice LOLOL 😂😂😂😂😂

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[Phone w/ fiancé]

"Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?"

"As long as it's black, why?"

*wearing batsuit* "No reason."

Thynebear Report

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I went to a wedding where two satellite dishes got married. The ceremony wasn’t great, but the reception was amazing.

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Which cakes are the saddest?

Wedding cakes - because they often end up in tiers!

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I came home one day. My wife was watching a movie, she kept on screaming at the TV, don't do it, don't do it... I asked her what movie she was watching?

She said, a video of our wedding day.

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Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

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To keep your marriage brimming with love in the marriage cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it, whenever you're right, shut up.

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They say that when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.

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A man with a southern drawl and a French woman are at the altar when he starts having second thoughts. "Do you take this woman to be your wife" asks the minister. "Adieu" the man replies.

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What did Yoda say to Anakin on his wedding day?

May divorce be with you.

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How do you congratulate a slice of bread on his wedding day?

Toast him.

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Serious inquiries only: "A friend of mine has Two Tickets for the 2016 Ryder Cup. They are Premier Box Seats plus Airfares and 5* Hotel All-Inclusive Accommodation. He didn't realize when he bought them, that this is the same day as his Wedding Day. If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St Johns Church, Melbourne at 2.15pm. Her name is Susan. She will be the one in the White Dress..."

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I liked the whole wedding, but it was the reception that really took the cake.

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The most emotional part of the wedding was not the speeches or the vows. It was when the cake was smashed into my face. It really brought a tier to my eye.

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Marriage. You do, or you don't.

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"I hate going to weddings because I always wake up to a video someone took of me drunk dancing."

yeehaw_meg Report

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"It's cool that if planning a wedding doesn't kill you then you get to be married."

tayhatmaker Report

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"I've never seen a groom or a bride going to the toilet on their wedding day... Do they wear pampers?"

_kayofficial__ Report

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ME: "I do."

PRIEST: "Could you say it again without the air quotes?"

blade_funner Report

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*At my future wedding*:

"Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

Me to the group chat: "Omg do I say yes or is that desperate?"

lolzysz Report

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Me at 18: "I have hundreds of friends I could ask to hang out with me tonight."

Me now: "Maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding."

bobvulfov Report

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"I want my wedding theme to be a "Logistical nightmare.""

aparnapkin Report

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MY WEDDING:

"Tetris theme plays as I slowly inch down the aisle, trying to perfectly fit my finger in the ring."

meganamram Report

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"A wedding guest list is the single most political thing you will ever do unless you become the President of the United States of America."

ChooseLoveNEWS Report

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"Why do people insist on saying "You're next" to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?"

careworn Report

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"I'm too pale to wear white so IDK how my wedding is gonna go."

AyeGibbs Report

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Me planning a wedding: "Dress code is warm and nice but not TOO formal but don't be weird about it, like nice jeans or more like- don't overdo it or buy anything just for this like it's chill if y-."

Wedding planner: "I cannot work with this and we are out of room on the invite."

LaCroixMinoyHoy Report

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"Just got invited to a wedding whose attire specifications are "Tropical chic beach elegant," and no. Just no."

OrangeSageMIA Report

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"My friend's wedding dress code is "Dressy casual". That means necktie and sweatpants, right? Never mind don't tell me I'm already in the car."

TheOrvedahl Report

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"Y’all I need help… I’m going to a farm wedding at the end of September."

Attire: "Festive Cocktail and or Farm Fancy. What the hell do I wear?"

xx__tasty Report

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"When you wear a cocktail dress to a wedding because the invite says “cocktail attire” but you arrive and find out they changed it to “Beachy casual.”"

pricecaroline Report

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My microwave & freezer got married in a kitchen wedding. Who gave the speech?

The toaster.

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Ran out of battery when filming my friend’s speech at his wedding. Now I’m never going to hear the end of it.

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I received a wedding invitation. It read, "Your presence itself is a present. We don't want any presents at the wedding." After re-reading it repeatedly, I concluded that I wasn't invited. So I decided not to attend.

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What do the Kentucky Derby and a wedding have in common?

They both have months of build-up for 2 minutes of action.

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On my way to my wedding, I got caught in a rain shower and my dress was ruined. I tried to file a claim with insurance but they said I didn’t have an umbrella policy.

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Why do melons have big weddings?

They cantaloupe.

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What's the difference between an Australian wedding and an Australian funeral?

One less drunk at the funeral.

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MelodyHope666

MelodyHope666

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2 years ago

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NOOOOOOOOOOO 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣

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Why do married people spin their wedding band?

They are trying to figure out the combination.

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What's the opposite of an Aphrodisiac?

Wedding cake.

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What are the three rings of marriage?

Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

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Why does a bride always cry at her wedding?

Because she never marries the best man.

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How do you know a redneck wedding?

They are all sitting on the same side of the church.

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The D.J. at a wedding reception yelled, "Would all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was almost crushed to death.

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I watched the Indian version of How I Met Your Mother… There’s just one episode and it is about a wedding.

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My wife told me she and her sister started a weight loss competition to see who can shed the most pounds before their cousin's wedding this summer. "I hope you win" was not the correct response.

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There was a man who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married and now he is going through hell.

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Two cannonballs got married this morning. I hear they’re already expecting BBs.

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The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.

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With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

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Marriage is an institution. In which a man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her Master's.

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Collect as many keys as you can from the wedding party and friends without the bride and groom knowing. Pass them out to as many women as you can, making sure they don’t say anything. During your speech, say “The bride knows that the groom has had a lot of girlfriends in the past, and would really appreciate it if any of them who have keys to his place could please return them.” This is the cue for everyone with a key to bring it to the wedding table. It would also be hilarious if you got a couple of pregnant women and maybe someone’s grandmother into the group.

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Amelia Hoover

Amelia Hoover

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2 years ago

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If I am invited to a wedding, I will do this.

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Thereʻs nothing ironic about rain on your wedding day. It’s normal for a couple to have a bridal shower.

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On my wedding day, My dad sat me down and had "The talk" with me.

Dad: "Son, you will have to make a choice now. You can be right, or you can be happy. But you cannot be both."

Me: I think for a moment "But ever since I can remember, you are always wrong."

Dad: "Exactly."

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You know when you walk into a room and forget why you went in there?

That's how my wife said she felt on our wedding day.

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The bride didn't mean to gain wait before the wedding. She did it by snaccident.

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[Inventing wedding dresses]

"A massive skirt!"

"More skirt!"

"MORE."

"Now, put a skirt over her face!"

"God ya that’s the stuff."

whatmaddness Report

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[Wedding meal]

"*Taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine."

ArfMeasures Report

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MelodyHope666

MelodyHope666

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2 years ago

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that one drunk man in the corner: I got more wine coming from my d**k

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"Great idea, let's write our own wedding vows. I can't think of a better way to kick off my eternity with you than a homework assignment."

IamJackBoot Report

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"At this point, if you're NOT paying a hustler to play your wedding date or member of your wedding party you are basic as hell."

mindykaling Report

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"At this rate, I'll have about 4 people at my wedding."

valeriefording Report

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MelodyHope666

MelodyHope666

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2 years ago

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OMG ME TOO 🤣🤣🤣☹️😭😭😭😭😢😓

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"The dress code for the wedding I'm attending this weekend is "Garden attire" and I'm confused if that means florals or crocs or what."

MinouClark Report

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"A fun to mess with your closest 175 friends and family is by putting a nonsensical dress code on your wedding invitations. Try “Small town newspaper chic” or “Landlocked destination whimsy” or “Family recipe green tie” and see what they dream up!"

NYTvows Report

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"On Wedding Planning FB group - somebody has said their wedding dress code for guests is strictly black & grey only. I can't think of anything more miserable looking. I would be gutted if my wedding looked like a funeral."

linzisueboo Report

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At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"

The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

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If the actress Tuesday Wells married the grandson of director Frederick March, would she become Tuesday March the third?

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What do you call a single tear on your face on the day of your wedding?

Eye dew.

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I identify with football players because I know what it’s like to spend your whole life training for a large, jewel-encrusted ring.

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Two florists got married. It was an arranged marriage.

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I went to a wedding where a fight broke out between the bride and groom. It was martial arts.

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"On my wedding day, I’ll prob look so pretty that I get cocky and suggest we see other people."

LamaBeirut Report

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"How are you supposed to RSVP to a wedding invite when they leave out crucial details like the WiFi situation?"

KrunkedRobot Report

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"More like "Til death do us PARTY!" - One of the ways I'm going to ruin my wedding."

rhysjamesy Report

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Me to dad: "You're not preaching my wedding..."

Dad: "Yes I am, I've already asked myself."

Me: "Oh ok."

ashleyclingan12 Report

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"Gonna make my wedding dress code health goth formal."

bettinamak Report

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MelodyHope666

MelodyHope666

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2 years ago

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I'mma make mine "mime cats in hell"

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"My wedding dress code shall be business bohemian."

FairestRunOfAll Report

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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" The father thought for a while and replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

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Little known fact, Einstein invited Time to his wedding. After all, time is relative.

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Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged?

I hear they met on the web.

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In older times, it is reported that sacrifices were made at the altar. Since then, weddings have been held there. Times haven’t changed at all!

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Tonight is my wedding to this super-wealthy lady. I'm so excited thinking about the Sarah money.

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Walmart was going to put wedding chapels in their stores, but after trying it in the south for testing they decided not to, it had too high of a return rate.

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"I was invited to a wedding with “Smart casual” attire. Now I’ll be spending three weeks figuring out what the hell that means."

steve_71 Report

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I did some research online about best man speeches and it said that you should make your best man speech mainly about the groom. So like *the groom* this speech is going to be short and disappointing.

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Keep your eyes wide open. before the wedding, half shut afterwards.

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After his husband forgot the wedding anniversary, his wife tells him:

"You'd better have something in front of the house, tomorrow, which goes
from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds."

The next day, she finds on the road, a bathroom scale.

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Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?

It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

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"My 4 year old cousin was the flower girl at her aunt’s wedding - confused about her role and what she was celebrating, she sang Happy Birthday the whole way down the aisle..."

heyitseleanore Report

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"At my wedding when I was repeating the vows I accidentally said "I Megan Katherine..." Which is my wife's name."

Mr_Stanger Report

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"I once went to a wedding where the bride's uncle was asked to leave for trying to start the wave during the vows."

jimmyfallon Report

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"I once went to a wedding party and danced for over an hour before my partner and I realized we were in the wrong hall!"

winterwindpress Report

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"At my brother’s wedding the flower girl got so nervous she crawled under a bridesmaids dress and just sat there for the entire ceremony."

mrs_speech Report

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It's been five years since I went to the wedding of the invisible man and the invisible woman. The kids aren't anything to look at either.

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For my wedding, I was married by a judge. What I didn’t realize is that I probably should have asked for a jury.

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"Congratulations on your wedding, may you always be able to put up with each other!"

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"My friend had her wedding on the beach. During the ceremony, a gust of wind blew the minister’s toupée into the ocean and then a seagull ate it."

kingedhill Report

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"Thirty years ago my dad accidentally locked himself in the church bathroom and managed to break down the door five minutes before he was to marry my mom."

nerdistheword18 Report

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"At our wedding, my wife’s dad performed the ceremony. He pronounced us Chad and Jina Olbinski. My name is Mike."

MikeOlbinski Report

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"I watched the grooms 80 year old grandma do like 7 shots in a row. After that her goal was to kiss every girl at the wedding. She succeeded."

betty_dawn Report

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After all the talk about cold feet before a wedding, I didn't notice. Mine were just groom temperature.

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"Phone went off in the middle of a ceremony. The middle-aged Priest was unamused, paused the ceremony and started lecturing on the etiquette of church service. Turns out it was his phone ringing."

JazzLov05299135 Report

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"After my dad walked me down the aisle, but before he gave me away, he asked my fiancée “Did you bring the money?”"

tina_como Report

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"Walking grandma down the aisle she whispers "It's sad Ashley will never be married". I'm Ashley."

GashleyQT Report

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"My boyfriend ripped his pants demonstrating how he ripped his pants dancing at the last wedding we attended."

jmcewen8 Report

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"My cousins drove four hours to Sparta, Wisconsin to attend our wedding. The wedding was in Sparta, Georgia."

The_Movie_Chair Report

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"My aunt's wedding got awkward when the best man got drunk & announced during the toast that he was in love with the groom."

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"My wife bailed me out of jail in her wedding dress. Mug shots in tuxedo. Office said I was the best dressed individual he's ever photographed."

Stuhr Report

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"I once went to a wedding where the groom faint 3 times and the priest got mad and he continues the ceremony with the poor guy laying on the floor."

hectorimbop Report

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"My mom was arrested the night before her wedding and my dad used the honeymoon money to bailer her out."

Voltron_98 Report

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I am obsessed with watching wedding proposals on YouTube. I just find them so engaging.

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I canceled all my appointments and an important meeting just so that I could make it to your wedding. After all, free food and booze were just too lucrative to give up.

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FINALLY! I mean, yeah, congratulations on your wedding. I hope your life drama be more comedy than some melodrama.

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Congratulations on your wedding day… I haven’t bothered buying you both a present. It would just be something else to fight over when you get divorced!

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