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This Woman Perfectly Explains Weaponized Incompetence, And It Might Open Your Eyes
It’s fine, never mind. Don’t worry, I’ll just do it myself then. It’s easier for me to handle anyway. Do these phrases (often accompanied by a sigh) ever escape your mouth when speaking to your partner? Especially when they push off domestic tasks and consistently try to get off the hook? If the answer is yes, you might experience weaponized incompetence — or strategic incompetence as it’s sometimes called — in action, a phenomenon that has taken TikTok and other social media sites by storm.
The term refers to a behavior pattern when someone pretends to be bad at simple tasks — when they actually know how to do them — to get out of shared responsibilities. The hashtag for the phrase currently has over 65 million views on TikTok, but let’s face it, it’s something many women have been dealing with all their lives.
Joy Malonza, a co-host of the Sip & Politic podcast, have recently taken up the challenge to explain this behavior tactic, what it means, and what it looks like. So continue scrolling to learn all about it, read on to find the conversation it sparked on the platform, and be sure to share with us if you’ve ever experienced anything like this in the comments.
RELATED:
Weaponized incompetence, a phrase that is currently trending on TikTok, refers to partners pretending to be bad at basic household tasks to shrink responsibilities
Image credits: sip.and.politic
Joy, a co-host of the Sip & Politic podcast, recently explained the phenomenon in detail
Image credits: sip.and.politic
Image credits: SHVETS production (not the actual photo)
Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual photo)
You can watch the full video right here
@sip.and.politic Replying to @thedownballot.org #greenscreenvideo#greenscreen#weaponizedincompentence#weaponizedmediocrity#weaponizedinconpetence#weaponizedincompetense#abolishmenwithpodcasts#menwithpodcasts#menwithpodcastsshutup#menwithpodcast#domesticlabor#domesticlaborisstilllabor#domesticlaborislabor#domesticlaboriswork#unpaidlabor#unpaidlaborofwomen#unpaiddomesticlabor#podcast#leftist♬ original sound – sip.and.politic
Interestingly, a survey from Yelp and OnePoll found that 80% of chore-doing people living with a partner have disagreements about housework, with one-fifth of those saying they disagree often. It found that the most common disputes revolved around when to do the housework (53%), how to do it (50%), and who should do it (48%). Alarmingly, 61% even admitted they’d cleaned the home again after their partner did.
But the popularity of the topic shows that weaponized incompetence sparks a broader conversation. It seems that a lot of partners play tricks to get themselves off the hook, consequently adding additional domestic labor for their loved ones to bear in the relationship. After seeing countless videos of people making fun of their partner’s inability to perform simple tasks, and the degree to which they have to handhold them, the message that comes across is clear — “I won’t do it, so you do it”.
Emily Mendez, M.S. EdS, explained that weaponized incompetence is harmful to both partners. It can damage the relationship and create an imbalance between two people, especially if one clearly puts in more effort than the other. When one half feels like the other fails to offer help or show support and respect for their efforts, the relationship dynamics can quickly become filled with resentment, friction, and distance.
Moreover, Mendez noted this behavior pattern can also be seen as a manipulation tactic as the person steers others to do their work for them. But this is not always the case. “Maybe the partner doesn’t realize that they are doing this, maybe they don’t feel competent, or it may just be a lack of self-confidence and not necessarily manipulation,” Mendez added.
Once you familiarize yourself with the signs of strategic incompetence, the first step is to address their behaviors and talk everything through to clear up any misunderstandings. Try starting an honest conversation about tasks that worry you, and figure out how your partner can contribute their fair share. But remember, this endeavor may require a lot of patience from your side.
Another important step is to set clear boundaries and stick to them. “Communicate this to your partner and work with them to ensure that tasks are split up evenly,” Mendez said.
Bored Panda would love to hear your thoughts about the topic. What do you think of weaponized incompetence? Do you agree with this approach? Feel free to share your opinions, as well as personal experiences, in the comments.
Many viewers applauded this perspective and chimed in with their own experiences in the comments
What do you think ?
Azolane 3 years ago
My prick of a husband is like that, and I will never forgive him for acting like that when I got sick to the point where I could not perform normal daily tasks for months and he just let the house get so filthy. Like he didn't clean the bathroom once in a whole month !!! When I confronted him, his answer was that "he didn't see it was dirty, and I just had to ask." I cannot wait to ditch his sorry a.ss and kick him out of my house. It'll be single life for me and my cats from then on. Maybe not all men are like that, but there's enough of these entitled douchebags out there that, apart from my dad, at 40 I still haven't met a single one who thought of doind any chores without having to be constantly asked or reminded.
Rachknits 3 years ago
By telling you 'all you have to do is ask' he's assigning you into housekeeper role and avoiding responsibility, your life will be amazing without him. I hope he grows up before he inflicts this on anyone else
Load More Replies...
wowbagger 3 years ago
Awesome analysis! It changed my perspective. I think co-workers do this, too: leave the undesirable tasks to the lowest status employees. "But you're so much better at this kind of thing!," they say. Or, "Oh, I never notice things like that." It's a kind of gaslighting. Pretending to be incompetent when they're actually displaying dominance.
Seedy Vine 3 years ago
I finally started listing all the household tasks I do every day to my husband. He was horrified and started doing a lot more of them. We agreed that we'd rather be equals and not play mommy-baby with each other anymore. Real men do their share.
J. Grey 3 years ago
This is why I never married. Rather be a happy 'spinster' than deal with this bs.
Captain Az 3 years ago
This is one of many reasons I aspire to be a 'spinster' when I am older. There's so much bull that you won't have to deal with if you just don't get married
Load More Replies...
Lemaire 3 years ago
Misogyny is so ingrained in our society (most societies) that most of us, men and women, don't see it. One place I see this often is with cleaning the toilet, closing the toilet seat, etc. I'm a man, and I clean the toilets most often in our household because my wife shouldn't have to wipe up the spray and stray pubes of me or her sons who are all a decade+ out of potty training. Their mother has been doing everything for them. I know it comes from a place of love, and there is some cultural (non-US) pressure for mothers to treat their sons like infants. But, I'm not having it. As an experiment, I left several cupboards in the kitchen open. The boys all recognized that that wasn't right, and closed them. spill some milk on the floor? Even if it's just a drop they will make an attempt at cleaning it. BUT! closing the toilet seat? Literally the cover of a sh*!hole--they couldn't be bothered. Spray the floor? Not their problem.
Mary Jeffries 3 years ago
My husband is so committed to not being like this. There are things I’d like him to do but he makes sure he’s not creating more work for me. He actively dislikes this kind of helpless behavior. Lectures out boys about not peeing the seat and making sure it’s put down again. We are not going to tolerate this behavior in our house. This analysis is really interesting and thought provoking.
Little king trash mouth 3 years ago
Agreed. The only take I didn't agree with in full was the outsourcing of tasks because we feel it's beneath us. Maybe that's true for the super wealthy like Bill Gates, but in my perspective, it has to do with the value of my time and the previlge I have to do some things for me. For instance, no one wanted to clean the bathrooms or mop the floor as often as it needs to get done. We realized we had the finances to hire a cleaning person twice a month. She gets paid (well, I might add), and my husband and I can take that stress off our plate. We have two little boys and both work full time, so this helps tremendously.
Load More Replies...
Spittnimage 3 years ago
I was married for 11 years, together for 13 and in all that time my ex washed dishes once and when I'd b!tch because he woudn't help with cleaning the house he'd always say "I pick up my socks!"
john s 3 years ago
I like that the internet is a place for sharing these things - esp with suburbs, women get so isolated, just comparing notes doesn't happen (alongside cultural expectations). Consistently surprised that it is so new for so many ppl - v sad abt that - but also v glad it gets shared.
Seabeast 3 years ago
When I was a teenager I was expected to clean the bathtub after I had a bath or shower. My TWO YEARS OLDER brother never had to - my mother would scurry into the bathroom and clean it after he finished. No wonder he got married at age 18, he needed a replacement mommy before moving out of the house.
ewa 3 years ago
Same here. I remember how I was supportive to clean the kitchen, my 2years older brother would come and wreck it again - and I got punished for it.
Load More Replies...
Negatoris Wrecks 3 years ago (edited)
This reminds me of that guy trying to make his girlfriend make him lunch when she said no. Decided to sulk, that restaurants and gas stations aren't a thing. Guess how frequently in the comments she was called an ah for not serving him. Situations like that are where it starts, and a majority of people will jump on "she should just do it! It only takes 5 minutes!" Like yeah, 5 minutes today and a new chore he could easily do on his own till death or divorce.
Minath 3 years ago
My thought on that was why didn't he make his own lunch the night before. I used to do the lunches for three people and I always did it while I was cleaning up from dinner. My boyfriend at the time was perfectly capable and would do it but as I was doing mine and my daughter's it made sense to do his as well.
Load More Replies...
Azolane 3 years ago
My prick of a husband is like that, and I will never forgive him for acting like that when I got sick to the point where I could not perform normal daily tasks for months and he just let the house get so filthy. Like he didn't clean the bathroom once in a whole month !!! When I confronted him, his answer was that "he didn't see it was dirty, and I just had to ask." I cannot wait to ditch his sorry a.ss and kick him out of my house. It'll be single life for me and my cats from then on. Maybe not all men are like that, but there's enough of these entitled douchebags out there that, apart from my dad, at 40 I still haven't met a single one who thought of doind any chores without having to be constantly asked or reminded.
Rachknits 3 years ago
By telling you 'all you have to do is ask' he's assigning you into housekeeper role and avoiding responsibility, your life will be amazing without him. I hope he grows up before he inflicts this on anyone else
Load More Replies... wowbagger 3 years ago
Awesome analysis! It changed my perspective. I think co-workers do this, too: leave the undesirable tasks to the lowest status employees. "But you're so much better at this kind of thing!," they say. Or, "Oh, I never notice things like that." It's a kind of gaslighting. Pretending to be incompetent when they're actually displaying dominance.
Seedy Vine 3 years ago
I finally started listing all the household tasks I do every day to my husband. He was horrified and started doing a lot more of them. We agreed that we'd rather be equals and not play mommy-baby with each other anymore. Real men do their share.
J. Grey 3 years ago
This is why I never married. Rather be a happy 'spinster' than deal with this bs.
Captain Az 3 years ago
This is one of many reasons I aspire to be a 'spinster' when I am older. There's so much bull that you won't have to deal with if you just don't get married
Load More Replies... Lemaire 3 years ago
Misogyny is so ingrained in our society (most societies) that most of us, men and women, don't see it. One place I see this often is with cleaning the toilet, closing the toilet seat, etc. I'm a man, and I clean the toilets most often in our household because my wife shouldn't have to wipe up the spray and stray pubes of me or her sons who are all a decade+ out of potty training. Their mother has been doing everything for them. I know it comes from a place of love, and there is some cultural (non-US) pressure for mothers to treat their sons like infants. But, I'm not having it. As an experiment, I left several cupboards in the kitchen open. The boys all recognized that that wasn't right, and closed them. spill some milk on the floor? Even if it's just a drop they will make an attempt at cleaning it. BUT! closing the toilet seat? Literally the cover of a sh*!hole--they couldn't be bothered. Spray the floor? Not their problem.
Mary Jeffries 3 years ago
My husband is so committed to not being like this. There are things I’d like him to do but he makes sure he’s not creating more work for me. He actively dislikes this kind of helpless behavior. Lectures out boys about not peeing the seat and making sure it’s put down again. We are not going to tolerate this behavior in our house. This analysis is really interesting and thought provoking.
Little king trash mouth 3 years ago
Agreed. The only take I didn't agree with in full was the outsourcing of tasks because we feel it's beneath us. Maybe that's true for the super wealthy like Bill Gates, but in my perspective, it has to do with the value of my time and the previlge I have to do some things for me. For instance, no one wanted to clean the bathrooms or mop the floor as often as it needs to get done. We realized we had the finances to hire a cleaning person twice a month. She gets paid (well, I might add), and my husband and I can take that stress off our plate. We have two little boys and both work full time, so this helps tremendously.
Load More Replies... Spittnimage 3 years ago
I was married for 11 years, together for 13 and in all that time my ex washed dishes once and when I'd b!tch because he woudn't help with cleaning the house he'd always say "I pick up my socks!"
john s 3 years ago
I like that the internet is a place for sharing these things - esp with suburbs, women get so isolated, just comparing notes doesn't happen (alongside cultural expectations). Consistently surprised that it is so new for so many ppl - v sad abt that - but also v glad it gets shared.
Seabeast 3 years ago
When I was a teenager I was expected to clean the bathtub after I had a bath or shower. My TWO YEARS OLDER brother never had to - my mother would scurry into the bathroom and clean it after he finished. No wonder he got married at age 18, he needed a replacement mommy before moving out of the house.
ewa 3 years ago
Same here. I remember how I was supportive to clean the kitchen, my 2years older brother would come and wreck it again - and I got punished for it.
Load More Replies... Negatoris Wrecks 3 years ago (edited)
This reminds me of that guy trying to make his girlfriend make him lunch when she said no. Decided to sulk, that restaurants and gas stations aren't a thing. Guess how frequently in the comments she was called an ah for not serving him. Situations like that are where it starts, and a majority of people will jump on "she should just do it! It only takes 5 minutes!" Like yeah, 5 minutes today and a new chore he could easily do on his own till death or divorce.
Minath 3 years ago
My thought on that was why didn't he make his own lunch the night before. I used to do the lunches for three people and I always did it while I was cleaning up from dinner. My boyfriend at the time was perfectly capable and would do it but as I was doing mine and my daughter's it made sense to do his as well.
Load More Replies...
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