Setting or being respectful of other people’s boundaries is an acquired skill. It can be particularly enraging when others disrespect your dietary choices. Whether you don’t eat something because of your religion, ethics, or allergies, there sure is someone who would just love to see you unintentionally break these rules. Then you might hear something among the lines of “I am so proud of you for eating this thing you don’t normally eat,” or “Relax, bro, it’s just a prank.” A vegan woman came to ask the AmITheA-hole? subreddit if it was O.K. of her to refuse to try her colleague’s birthday cake, which she had suspicions contained animal products. The post received 3.1k comments and over 29k upvotes. Tell us your perspective on her story and about similar experiences you’ve had. Since the art of developing good relationships is difficult and full of nuances, scroll down for psychologist Dr. Perpetua Neo’s tips to help you navigate similar situations.

More info: Reddit

It can be hard trying to not leave out a person with dietary restrictions at parties, but is it okay to tell a little lie?

Image credits: Jonathan McIntosh

This vegan woman asked the AmITheA-hole? forum if it was okay for her to refuse to try her coworker’s cake

Image credits: Reddit

“A lot of us are afraid to express our NOs, but our NOs actually teach other people limits of what we are willing to accept in our lives. Our NOs teach people how to treat us. When you’ve got the right mindset with regards to your NOs, then they are a lot easier for the other person to honor. Whereas if you go about it in a very unconfident and very hesitant manner, then someone else would take it as ‘Hmm, maybe it’s O.K. to step over your boundaries,’” Dr. Perpetua Noa says, highlighting that having boundaries does not make you a pugnacious person.

Lorande9 said that her coworker Bea had to be asked repeatedly by others to respect her diet before

Image credits: Reddit

She warns that if someone constantly steps over multiple people’s boundaries, “chances are they are a little bit sadistic, or extremely narcissistic and entitled.” Dr. Perpetua admits that the term narcissist can be overused, but that stepping over boundaries is consistent with this personality disorder. If you want to make someone respect your boundaries, she advises you to start with saying “no, I will not do this” or “no, I will not tolerate this.” She adds, “say it in a firm manner and don’t say it in a way that makes somebody else be apologetic for you.”

Her coworker claimed that her homemade cake was vegan specifically to accommodate Lorande9

Image credits: Reddit

Dr. Perpetua mentioned she likes the AmITheA-hole subreddit, where this story was posted, as it is very useful for people to understand things like boundaries and cross-cultural norms, especially for young people, those in minority ethnically or even those who just moved and want to adapt to their new environment. However, if years later, you keep asking for advice about every little thing from 50 different people, she suggests it means you do not have the skills to listen to yourself and choose to “outsource authority” instead.

Bea threw a tantrum when Lorande9 refused to try the cake

Image credits: Reddit

The subreddit community largely supported OP’s decision

Dr. Perpetua agreed with the forum’s consensus that the woman offering the cake was clearly bullying her vegan colleague. When talking about what HR, mentioned by so many commentators, should do in such situations, she suggested they talk to the disrespectful colleague, giving her a warning and expressing a consequence if she is not willing to change her behavior.

Dr. Neo adds, “We’ve got quite a lot of academic studies saying that sometimes people who have alternative eating habits are a bit snobbier or more depressed, or forcing their views upon people.” She added that this is a common trope in parodies, however in the same media “you don’t see a meat-eater forcing a vegan to eat a hamburger or stuff like that, but clearly, in this case, the tables have been turned quite obviously.” In both cases, she suggests one should not shove their choices down others’ throats, but act by the rule of “do not do unto others what you don’t want done unto you.”

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Others shared their experiences when dealing with dietary restrictions

To the co-worker’s credit, it can be hard to know if a cake is 100% vegan even if it does not contain eggs or dairy, simply because plant-based products can be processed with those derived from animals. Some white sugars get their color from bone char and red velvet cake (many lipsticks as well) from cochineal insects. Figs, beer, and wine are a whole other rabbit hole.

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If all this time, you kept thinking “Neo, like in the Matrix? And as a psychologist, she loves going below the surface too?”, yes, Dr. P. Neo goes on about her love for the trilogy on her personal website.

Some commenters debated whether the story is fictional

Dr. Perpetua Neo recommends the book Boundary Boss by Terri Cole, which can help people of any age practice setting boundaries step by step.

Others provided their input without reading

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