What should you never yell at a vampire while arguing?

"Bite me!"

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Hazel

Hazel

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6 months ago

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Crave vibez

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Robert Pattinson is the worst vampire ever. Took him 15 years to figure out how to turn himself into a bat.

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How does Dracula get his torch to turn on?

With bat-teries.

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Benjamin Doepel-Stevens

Benjamin Doepel-Stevens

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1 year ago

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With his big strong flaps.

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What did the child vampire say before going to bed?

“Turn on the dark mummy, I’m scared of the light.”

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Benjamin Doepel-Stevens

Benjamin Doepel-Stevens

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1 year ago

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Can you check under the coffin for Fox anchors, i'm scared of nazis.

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Why should you never tell a vampire to get a life?

Because it might decide to take yours.

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Benjamin Doepel-Stevens

Benjamin Doepel-Stevens

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1 year ago

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Because you'll end up sucking blood either way

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Why don’t vampires like mosquitos?

Too much competition.

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Benjamin Doepel-Stevens

Benjamin Doepel-Stevens

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1 year ago

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they're misogynists

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Why don’t mosquitoes bite vampires?

As a professional courtesy.

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Benjamin Doepel-Stevens

Benjamin Doepel-Stevens

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1 year ago

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because they get drunk too often

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What did the vampire doctor say to his patient?

You need more iron.

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Benjamin Doepel-Stevens

Benjamin Doepel-Stevens

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1 year ago

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As much as it pains me to say this, we need to talk about eating more steak.

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What did the vampire say after drinking blood from a bodybuilder?

"Whew, that’s strong!"

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Benjamin Doepel-Stevens

Benjamin Doepel-Stevens

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1 year ago

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Can I interest you in another cup of T vicar?

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What is worse than a hungry vampire?

A thirsty vampire.

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Why are vampires bad artists?

Because they always want to draw blood.

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Benjamin Doepel-Stevens

Benjamin Doepel-Stevens

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1 year ago

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Because they think everyone SHOULD be into their art

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"I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself... my wife rushes through the room and shouts, 'You're supposed to give them candies, Frank!'"

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How do you kill a French vampire?

You have to stab him/her with a baguette. It sounds easy, but the process is painstaking.

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Why don't vampires use autocorrect?

Because they love Type Os.

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What is the name of Dracula's vegan brother?

Count rucola.

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Where does Dracula buy writing utensils from?

Pencil-veinia.

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What’s a vampire’s least favorite song?

“Another One Bites The Dust.”

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Why are vampires so naive?

Because they are born suckers.

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Heard about the vampire who was locked up in an asylum?

He went batty.

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Benjamin Doepel-Stevens

Benjamin Doepel-Stevens

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1 year ago

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He runs the place now.

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Why do vampires like to scare people?

Because they are bored to death!

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Benjamin Doepel-Stevens

Benjamin Doepel-Stevens

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1 year ago

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Because they're bad at improv

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What is a vampire’s favorite fast food?

A person with very high blood pressure.

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Why don’t vampires just eat juicy meats full of blood?

Too much cholesterol can get them a steak through the heart.

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What's the differnce between Jesus and a vampire?

Where you stick the wooden stake.

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What is Dracula's favorite coffee order?

Decoffinated.

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Why did Dracula divorce his wife after she took a blood test?

She wasn't his type.

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Do you know why I broke up with my vampire girlfriend?

Because she sucked the life out of me.

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What do you call a vampire who went to the beach?

Ash.

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What’s a vampires worst fear?

Tooth decay!

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What do vampires drink at happy hour?

B-Positive.

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What’s a vampires least favorite city?

Philadelphia, because it’s always sunny.

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What song do most vampires despise?

“You are my sunshine.”

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Why are vampires so impulsive?

They don’t ever reflect on things.

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How do vampires get into houses?

Through the bat flap!

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How does a vampire pay the mortgage?

With cryptocurrency.

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If a cup has had holy water in it, a vampire should never drink from it again. There's too much risk of cross contamination.

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What would you get when you cross a vampire with sheep?

Drac-Ewe-La.

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Why does Dracula always read the best-reviewed newspaper?

Someone told him it had good circulation.

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Why can you never win in a boxing match with Dracula?

Nobody can ever beat the Count.

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Why did Dracula take cold medicine?

Because he was coffin too much.

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Why are all other monsters good friends with Dracula?

Because they could always count on him.

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Where does Dracula usually take a bath?

In bat tubs.

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What is Dracula's favorite fruit?

Neck-tarines.

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What happened at the vampire sprint race?

It finished neck and neck.

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What is a vampire's favorite ice cream flavor?

It's vein-illa.

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Why was the local vampire club getting bigger constantly?

They are always out for new blood.

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What type of vampires are always grumpy?

The ones with B negative blood type.

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What do vampire's usually call their boats?

Blood vessel.

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What is a vampire's favorite brand of beer?

Bloodweiser.

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Why do vampires refuse to bet on horses?

Because of their inability to handle the stakes.

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What would you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman?

Frostbite.

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What is a redneck vampire's favorite drink?

Blood Light.

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What is a cross-dressing vampire called?

A Dragula.

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What is a vampire s favorite drink when they party?

Bloody Mary.

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How many vampires will it take to change a light bulb?

None, why would they need it.

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"I sucked a vampire’s blood once. It was ironic."

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What do you get if you cross a vampire with a MacBook?

Love at first byte.

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What is a vampire’s favorite building in New York?

The Vampire State Building.

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What do you call a vampire hunter that lies a lot?

Bluffy the Vampire Slayer.

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What do you call a vampire with asthma?

Vlad the Inhaler.

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How are vampires like false teeth?

They both come out at night.

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How do you kill a gluten free vampire?

Use garlic bread.

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What fast food do vampires crave the most?

Joggers.

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Where did the vampire get all his jokes from?

A crypt writer!

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What did the vampire say her new apprentice?

"It’s nice to have some fresh blood around here."

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What’s the referee in a Transylvanian soccer game called?

A Vumpire!

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Why do vampires love the south?

Because of all the red necks.

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Why aren’t there any vampires in Africa?

Because they bless the rains down in Africa.

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Who has the most dangerous job in Transylvania?

The dentist serving all the vampires.

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What’s a vampire’s favorite sport?

Batminton

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What do you get when you cross a school teacher and a vampire?

Lots of blood tests.

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What did the vampire say to their human girlfriend?

"See you next month."

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What is a male vampire's pronouns in the sunlight?

He/hiss.

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"People still think there are vampires in Romania. But I haven’t seen one since 1645."

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How do you defeat a vampire using eggs?

Serve ‘em sunny side up.

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What do you call a blind vampire?

Count see.

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Why did Dracula turn over a new leaf?

He wanted to be re-vamped.

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What happened when Dracula posted prohibited content on Youtube?

A count suspended.

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What does Dracula say to greet everyone when he wakes up?

Good evening.

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What would Dracula with a guitar be called?

Vondervall.

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Why did Superman fail to defeat Dracula?

He could not go to the krypt tonight.

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What song did Van Hel sing when he killed the last clone of Dracula?

'The Final Countdown'.

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What was the favorite subject of Dracula in school?

Ac-count-ing.

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Why is Dracula not invited to parties?

Because he sucks the life out of them.

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What would you call a vampire on sale?

A dis-Count Dracula.

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How did the vampire feel when he was partying at the club?

He had a bloody good time.

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Why do vampires not want to become investment bankers?

They hate stakeholders.

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Why do vampires need mouthwash?

To combat bat breath.

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Why are vampires massive sociopaths?

They have zero capability of self-reflection.

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Where do vampires deposit all their money?

The blood bank.

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Why do vampires like attacking wizards?

They are neck-romancers.

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What does the doctor vampire say when he calls up a patient?

"Necks please!"

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How does a hacker vampire kill its victims?

With a kill-o-byte.

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What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

The vampire only sucks blood at night.

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Why did the vampire go to the blood bank?

He needed to make a withdrawal!

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Why did the vampire keep acting all batty?

It was in his blood.

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Why do vampires chew gum?

Because they have bat breath.

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What is a vampire’s favorite dessert?

You scream and I scream.

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What did the polite vampire say?

Fang you very much!

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What do you call a vampire stranded on the side of the road a mile away from the blood bank?

You call him a cab!

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Why is a vampire a good party guest?

Because he eats necks to nothing!

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Why did the vampire drive on the 405 Freeway?

He heard it was a main artery.

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What’s a vampire’s favorite Shakespeare play?

A Midsummer Bite’s Dream.

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Why did Dracula go to the dentist?

Fang Decay.

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Did you hear about the vampire who thought he was a violinist?

His bach was worse than his bite.

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How does a female vampire flirt?

She bats her eyes!

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Would you buy the vampire’s antique mirror?

The ad says “I have no use for it, excellent condition; Never used.”

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What do you call a short vampire?

A pain in the knee!

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Did you hear about the vampire who became a poet?

He went from bat to verse.

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Why did the Vampire read the Wall Street Journal?

He heard it had the best circulation.

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What is a vampire’s favorite fast food restaurant?

Murder King!

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What do you call a duck with fangs?

Quackula.

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What do the Pips and a vampire have in common?

They’re both Glad-it’s Knight.

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How do ghosts say goodbye to vampires?

“So long, suckers!”

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Why do vampire’s keep repeating the same mistakes?

They lack self-reflection.

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What’s a vampire’s favorite holiday?

Fangs-giving.

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How does a vampire start a letter?

Tomb it may concern.

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What did the ancient vampire say to the mirror?

“Is this thing on?”

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What do vegans and vampires have in common?

They both won’t eat steak.

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What do you get if you combine a vampire and a dog?

A blood hound!

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What's a vampire's favourite treat?

Haribo fang-tastics!

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What kind of letters do vampires get?

Fang mail!

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Why do vampires hate going to court?

Because of the cross-examinations.

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A vampire walks into a grocery shop and asks for a bread.

The clerk looks at him and asks: 'Aren't you a vampire?'

The vampire says: 'Yes, I am.'

To that the clerk responds: 'Oh, then I have much better stuff for you than bread. I have bloody sausages, nice fresh liver, duck blood, pork blood - whatever you want!'

The vampire replies: 'No, thank you, I want just the bread.'

The clerk asks: 'OK, but tell me - why the bread? I never imagined vampires like bread so much.'

The vampire looks at him, leans closer and says: "There is a huge car crash at the intersection. I want to dip.'

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Why does Dracula not have friends?

He's such a pain in the neck.

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Why doesn't Dracula attack chickens?

Because chickens have fowl blood.

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Why did Dracula take up math as a subject in college?

Because he loves to Count.

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Where do vampires not look that scary?

On reflection.

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What is usually the last meal of a vampire before execution?

A steak!

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What is a group of vampire groupies called?

A fang club.

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When do ideas kill vampires?

When they dawn upon them.

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What is a vampire's favorite fruit to eat when they need Vitamin C?

Blood oranges.

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Why are vampire clans so loyal?

Because blood is thicker than water.

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What do you call the viking who was bit by a vampire?

Norseferatu!

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Did you hear about the vampire who only had one fang?

He had to grin and bare it.

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What do you call a dumb vampire?

A silly clot!

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What dance do vampires from Spain love?

The Fang-dango.

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