Well, well, well... bloodSUCKER wants to get fancy? They're gonna get it! I would relish to politely dissent with your unsavory opinion. Blood is an unpopular opinion compared to ambrosial encephalon mush. And Encephalons are not only more fun to extract from puny mortals (the peeling of flesh makes my wounds ooze), but they withal have a nice chewy texture and are great pan-seared. Not only that, but encephalons withal taste like chicken. Consequently, we can postulate that vampires are far less superior to us encephalon-eaters.

Alright, encephalon-eater, you think you're better than me? Well let me raise this small issue to your attention. What happens when you run out of brains to eat in whatever hovel you live in? Blood can easily be replenished, while brains cannot. And how can you say that brains have a palatable texture when they are clearly nothing but slimy, disgusting masses of tissue? Blood, on the other hand, is a smooth and versatile delicacy that can be altered to fit your cravings. It can be sipped from a crystal goblet in whatever elegant setting you may find yourself in, while brains are a gruesome dish fit only for the most lowly of creatures. As a direct result of these facts, we can conclude that whatever brain eating, lowlife, hovel-dwelling creature you are, it is far below the noble and elegant vampire.

You DARE call me lowly? I'll show you lowly! Blood is a condiment that resembles tomato paste unless freshly extracted from the human body. Unless it is AB-negative, which only occurs in 0.6% of the mortals, blood has a metallic-y, unpleasant taste. Brains, on the other hand, can be stored for up to 2 weeks in the fridge! Brains can be prepared in a variety of different dishes, each one a burst of flavor to the palate. Brains have a chewy, somewhat jello-like texture that could never be achieved in blood. Blood has a tendency to get chunky when bits of mortal flesh get stuck in it, causing for an unpalatable texture, whereas brains shall always have a delicious unvarying flavor. Brains can be eaten out of crystal plates with crystal cutlery, far more expensive than a goblet. And so I ask you, my dear vampire, am I the lowly low-life one...or are you? Oh, and I heard you have a brain, could I get your address...??

I don know what your prior experiences with blood were, but I can assure you that is not how we vampires do it. Chunks of flesh? Have you never heard of human doctors, who can successfully draw and store blood in cold storage for up to a week, and would you really want it to last longer? 2 week old brains, I can't imaging something more repulsive than that. And, while most vampires enjoy the metallic flavor, if you do not, there are other options. Did you forget that there are other beings on this earth besides humans? Vampires are said to have the sweetest blood of all, though I haven't yet had the pleasure of tasting it myself. Werewolves have a richer, meatier taste, while witches and wizards are more like fine wine. Can you say the same for brains? No, they all taste the same. And what about quantity? Does the low intelligence levels of the human race have any effect on your food source? Not everyone has a brain these days, and you clearly don't if you would make such accusations!

My prior experience is MonsterMart. I mean, did you see the juice isle? "Fresh blood, vampire made", and it has CHUNKS OF HUMAN MEAT!! YOUR KIND MAKES IT!!!!!!! And, you think brains older than a week are stale? Wow, you must think a freshly baked cookie is stale at this point. Also, brains taste the SAME? Human brains taste like chicken. Werewolf brains are rich and chocolaty. Witch & wizard brains taste like bubblegum. Vampires, I wouldn't know. They don't have any.

Everyone knows the blood at MonsterMart is made by a bunch of newly made vamps who know nothing about what it truly means to rule the night! If that's the basis for your unsavory claims, there may be hope for you yet! Every true blood drinker knows that if you want the real stuff you need to contact a real dealer one who's been around for a few centuries. I'd be glad to hook you up with mine if your willing to try something outside of your isolated little bubble of gross food and hatred for anyone with real taste. As for your brain comment, you contradicted yourself! You said, and I quote "Oh, and I heard you have a brain, could I get your address...??" You clearly know I'm smarter than you'll ever be. I do know for a fact that you have blood. I don't need your address, I could draw it in your sleep without you ever knowing. Though now that I think of it, the blood of brain eaters is often as slimy and inedible as what they feed on. I wouldn't give your blood to my worst enemy!

The thing is, I ain't a blood drinker. I'm a zombie, we're brain eaters. But you know what, brain chefs can prepare multiple delicious variations of brain, and so I propose a solution. We just have different tastes, so maybe we should introduce our tastes to each other! I can let you borrow my personal brain chef, and you can hook me up with your dealer!

Alright, I do love a good compromise. I'll agree to try your brains, as unpalatable as they sound, if you agree to try blood. But know this, if this us some kind of ruse, or part of a plot to destroy me and my kind., I have no qualms about feeding you to the monster in the basement of my tower lair!

I'm gonna tell my chef to make brains a la gross, then put cyanide on it.

Ha! I knew this sudden change of heart was to suspicious to believe. But the joke is on you, as I told my dealer to only sell you fairy blood, a substance deadly to all but the most powerful vampires!

I must confess... I'm secretly a vampire who hates blood and identifies as a zombie.

I knew there had to be something wrong with you! No true brain eater would put that much effort into disrespecting the sacred honor that is being a vampire!

I'm sorry, my brethren!

It is okay. Though I do not understand your choices, I will do my best to respect them