Next time a guy/girl asks for your number, give them your ex's and tell them your name is your ex's new partners name. When they ring them up they wilL think they're being cheated on. Start arguments, not relationships. Stay toxic.

If you ever get caught sleeping at your desk at work just say "they told me at the Blood Bank that this would happen." Not only does it make them apologize but you will also be known around the office as the nice person who donates blood.

If your coworker ever calls in sick for work, you can do the same 1-3 days later. Your boss will think you have the same thing and it's "going around the office." Your boss' may even do the same shortly after you. It's called the 'fake flu.'

Take pictures of yourself everyeday or week of you slowly getting fatter. When you have reached a good heavy weight, post all the photos in reverse and attach an exercise plan to sell.

When you are on a flight and the person in front of you reclines their seat all the way and leaves you no room turn on the air con above you on full blast and point it at the top of their head.

If you are ever in a situation where you might be going to prison, quickly learn how to cut hair. Barbers are greatly appreciated by other inmates and you will most likely be spared when it comes to violence.

Instead of buying a Costco membership, just buy a gift card. You can get in and pay whatever else you need using a debit card. Saves you money buying a membership and with the gift card you buy, you'll end up spending it on things you would normally get.

If you ever need some bread, go to a duck pond and wait for people to feed the ducks. Jump into the water and get the bread before the ducks do. They will be too scared to confront you because they are ducks.

If you live with a really messy roommate who doesn't clean up after themselves, create a fake Tinder profile. Match with them and tell them you are coming over. They will have the place absolutely spotless in no time.

Start up your own cafe/restaurant and make loads of fake hot dating profiles. Match with every single person and organise a date at the place you just opened. Pretend to be late to the dates and tell them to order something expensive. Then after you serve them, call off the date.

If you are broke and can't afford an expensive wedding ring, just go to a pawn shop and buy a really old ring from there. You can tell your partner that it was your grandmother's ring. This will make them think it has real sentimental value and appreciate you even more.

If you squash a memory foam pillow and fart in it while it expands backs out, it sucks the fart smell in for about 5 minutes. So when someone lays down particles get re-released around their head.

If you don't want to make a call to someone, but you want to show a call on the record to make it seem like you tried to call them, turn your phone on airplane mode and then make the call. It will appear on the call record but won't go through.

When you order ice cream, always ask for a single scoop. However, when the server is finished, say "actually I'd like a second scoop." This forces them to match the size of the first scoop, which tends to be bigger, since it was for a single cone.

Koalas have a 20% chance of being infected with chlamydia, so if you ever cheat on your spouse and contract this disease, just say you were harbouring koala refugees from the Australian bush fires which is where you must have caught it from.

If you had a good first date from a dating app, report the person's profile as soon as you leave so their account gets banned. That way you limit their dating options and increase your chances of a second date.

If you're ever looking for a job, post a fake ad for a very similar position on Craigslist. This way you take some competition away from the jobs you apply for and also you can check out the resumes of your competition.

If you ever need to lie, do it in a way that embarrasses yourself, as people are more likely to believe it. For example, if you get accused of eating the last cookie you could say it couldn't have been you because you had awful diarrhea.

If you ever want to be nosy and rummage through someone's desk drawers but are scared of being caught, do so while holding an empty stapler. You will be given a free license to try find whatever it is you may ber looking for.

If you have social anxiety and hate getting in ride share services because you have to talk to the diriver, all you have to do is to add in 'pick up notes' that you are deaf. Even if the driver speaks sign language they will need to keep their hands on the wheel.

When flyers for new restaurants come out, they often have buy 1 get 1 free coupons. Tell everyone in your workplace you are going to pick up lunch from there and offer to take people's orders for them. Use the 2 for 1 coupons and pocket the difference.

Open up a new debit card and make sure to not put a single dollar into the account. Then you can use this card when you sign up to free one month trials on websites such as Spotify or Amazon to protect you when you forget to cancel the subscription.

Tell your friend you are setting up a partial insurance beneficiary, even though you are not. They will feel obligated to set up one for you. If they die first you get some money, if you die first you get exposed of lying, but won't care because you're dead.

If you want a cheaper gym membership then click cancel membership and if they ask for a reason put "too expensive" or whatever relates to not being able to afford it. When you click continue they will offer you a month at a discounted price. Then just replicate the cycle.

If your kid isn't brushing their teeth well enough, just tell them that they will all fall out. When they start to tose their baby teeth, tell them they didn't do a good enough job. This way they will brush their adult teeth really well.

If anyone ever says to you that they have a slow computer, tell them you will fix it for them. Go on it and boost their cursor speed. They will think you are some sort of computer wizard who made everything run faster and maybe even pay you for your services.

If you're ever feeling lonely, go on some dating apps and set up a bunch of fake profiles and organize loads of dates all at the same place. Once everyone gets there and realizes that they don't have a date, you can all go drinking together and bond over the experience.

Whenever you are on hold for some sort of service and you know it will take forever, hang up and call them back. This time choose the Spanish option. This way you get through to them quicker and it's very likely the Spanish speaking employee knows English.

Make your Christmas wishlist entirely out of referral links. This way you get a percentage of what someone spends on you alongside the gift. You will also be able to see what they're getting yow without having to wait untitl Christmas Day.