This one is very good!

Finally! Instructions I can follow.

👏👏👏

HALLELUJAH!

I swear you can almost smell the recirculated air and hear screaming kids

"Guys, I'm eating junk and watching rubbish! You better come out and stop me!"

'Now how do you think we can make a penguin the world leader in Mars?'. Me: 'It's just about finding that balance'. Everyone: 👏👏👏

Then go on holiday, forget to have someone come round to water you, and die a tragic death

haha!!

I KNEW I'd been doing something wrong all this time!

No. They'll light the candle for you and insist on singing the song

Assuming they would notice that I had died.

Don't eat bagels! There is a hole in the middle! You're being ripped off! Where is the rest of it?

I do, every time. I call it my buffer day.

Why else do we need friends?

*gets sad in my dream* dangit it didn't work

Idk why you guys got downvoted sometimes ghosting is the safest way to go. And Ryan you're right you do not have to talk to your family ever if they treat you badly

I left for Uni but was forced back due to the pandemic. Now I feel like crap every time someone asks me, "So you're still at home?"

Then build more sidewalks and find more ten million dollars

Or, like Bezos, tRump, and Gates, have your parents pave the sidewalk with startup loans and then boast about being a "self-made man."

And, time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.

Continue until you have enough sandwiches to feed the world

Or a floating device if you fall off your boat

I do this before bed and wake up with baby feet.

Sadly, this is almost guaranteed to put someone close to you in a bad or even homicidal mood

no no need to be richer

Global warming? No worries, I have a solution.

But I'm purple 😢😢. No hope for me then

A legal one people!

When I went on vacay to Seattle, I knew I was gonna be a souvenir sucker, so I packed my smaller suitcase with my stuff, put it inside my larger one, and voila! Room for all the shopping my heart desired.

This is sound advice until you realize that you prefer it to a real girl's hand

Guaranteed not to scare pets or cause fires

You usually only need to do this once. "Happy Birthday!" "It's not my birthday" "Oh, when is it?" "June 12th". Then add it to your phone's calendar.

Via ouija board

That sounds gross though

stupid moron... so sad