"I need six months of vacation, twice a year."

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"If I owned a DeLorean… I’d probably only drive it from time to time."

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My favourite childhood memory is my parents paying for my holidays.

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Why don't aliens visit our planet?

It has terrible ratings. One star.

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"I wonder how many miles I've scrolled with my thumb."

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"I wanted to make a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t like it."

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You’ve never felt true fear until your passport isn’t where you think you left it.

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"The flight attendant on our trip was handing out plastic pilot wings to some kids. As I stepped forward, she jokingly offered me one, but I passed. Pointing to the Airborne wings on my Army uniform, I explained, 'The last time someone gave me wings, I had to jump out of the airplane."'

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Me: “I’d love to travel more”.

The bank account: “Like, to the park?”

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"What do travelers like best about Switzerland?"

"I’m not sure, but the flag’s a big plus."

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Oceans are so friendly. They’re always waving at you.

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"I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don't cross the country and are back home in a few hours."

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Halfway between New York City and Washington, D.C., the train's engine fell silent. "I've got good news and bad news," the conductor announced. "The bad news is we lost power." My fellow passengers groaned. "The good news," he added, "is we weren't cruising at 30,000 feet."

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"On vacation in Hawaii, my stepmom, Sandy, called a café to make reservations for 7 p.m. Checking her book, the cheery young hostess said, "I'm sorry, all we have is 6:45. Would you like that?"

"That's fine," Sandy said.

"Okay," the woman confirmed. Then she added, "Just be advised you may have to wait 15 minutes for your table."'

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"I love when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, tiny pest."

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"We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour."

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"My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport."

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What happens when you wear a watch on a plane?

Time flies!

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What did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home?

"Where on Earth have you been?”

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"Traveling through the Midwest, I stopped at an Ohio welcome center to pick up a state map. I found plenty of brochures but no maps. Then I spotted two employees and asked whether they had any. 'Sure,' said the first guy. 'I’ll get you one.' As he walked to the back, the second guy explained, 'We keep them in the storage room. If we leave them out on the counter, people just come in and take them.'"

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"My flight was delayed in Houston. Since the gate was needed for another flight, our aircraft was backed away from the terminal, and we were directed to a new gate. We all found the new gate, only to discover a third gate had been designated for our plane. Finally, everyone got on board the right plane, and the flight attendant announced: "We apologize for the gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C., you should deplane at this time." A moment later a red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. "Sorry," he said, "wrong plane."'

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"The airline lost my luggage, so I sued them. Unfortunately, I lost the case."

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Where do sharks like to go on vacation?

Finland!

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Why did Mister Krabs not invite Spongebob to go on vacation?

Because he is absolutely Shellfish.

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Why did the librarian get kicked off the plane?

Because it was overbooked.

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What goes through towns, up hills, and down hills but never moves?

The road!

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What happens when you cross a snake and a plane?

You get a Boeing constrictor!

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How do crazy hikers get out of the forest?

They take the psychopath.

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What has 10 letters and starts with G-A-S?

Automobile.

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Where do sheep like to go on vacation?

The Baa-hamas!

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Where do honeybees use the bathroom on a long road trip?

The BP station.

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What do you get when you cross an elephant with a fish?

Swimming trunks.

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What happens if you take the five o’clock train home?

You have to give it back!

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What’s worse than raining cats and dogs on vacation?

Hailing taxi.

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"I don’t want to take my dog on road trips! He can be such a bark seat driver."

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"I love traveling to France. There’s nothing Toulouse."

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"I want to go to Bora-Bora, but I’m too Pora-Pora."

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Which type of traveler is the most calm?

The No-mad.

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Where do hamsters like to go on vacation?

Hamsterdam!

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"I’m not too good at geography, but I can name at least one city in France. That’s Nice."

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Drove through Covert, New York on a road trip once. Didn’t notice.

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It’s fun to drive in the outback, but you’ll need to show koala-fications.

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Why can’t basketball players go on vacation?

They’d get called for traveling!

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What’s gray and has four legs and a trunk?

A mouse on vacation!

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What kind of tree fits into your hand?

A palm tree!

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"I wish I was a postcard. For less than $2, you can travel the world!"

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Never fly on Peter Pan Airways. They neverland.

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Why can cutlery teleport but not time travel?

It’s silverwhere, not silverwhen.

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Vacation calories don’t count.

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Do you ever stress about money and then accidentally book another flight?

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What travels around the world but stays in one corner?

A stamp.

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"I didn't realize how bad of a driver I was until my satnav said, 'In 400 feet, do a slight right, stop, and let me out.'"

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What do you get when you cross a plane with a magician?

A flying sorcerer!

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Which automobile is best for a family road trip across the ocean?

A Honda Sea-RV.

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The food on the small aircraft wasn’t good… it was a little plane.

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"I haven’t slept in days because I am about to climb the highest mountain in the world. I wonder whether I will Everest."

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"I’m confused. The trail looked so flat on the map!"

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Why couldn’t the frog find where he parked his car?

He’d been toad.

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"I got gas for $1.99 at lunch. Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell."

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Why did the robot go on vacation?

He needed to recharge his batteries!

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What does it cost to spend the day at the beach?

A few sand dollars.

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"I’ve got 99 problems, but I’m on vacation so I’m ignoring them all!"

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How much fun is it to do your laundry when traveling?

Loads.

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"The first time my mother flew, she was a nervous wreck. During takeoff, the roar from the engines proved reassuring — it meant they were working, she reasoned. But when the plane leveled off, so did the engines. Grabbing the armrests, she asked aloud, 'Did we stop?"'

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How do you know elephants love to travel?

Because they always pack their trunk!

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Where is a teacher’s favourite holiday destination?

Times Square!

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"I’d love to travel to Finland... but I’m afraid I might disappear into FinAir!"

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"I took four hours to check out of my hotel in Japan. The receptionist told me, 'You really Tokyo time.'"

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You can’t make everyone happy, unless you’re a plane ticket.

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When going to the bathroom in the woods, you have to use the facilitrees.

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Want to know our plan for today’s hike?

I’ll summit up nicely.

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Did you hear the joke about the hill?

No one could get over it!

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What’s the best jacket to wear on a hike?

A trailblazer!

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Where did the heart, liver, and kidney go on a road trip?

Oregon.

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"Don’t worry if our old car breaks down on our trip through Canada. I have Triple Eh."

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"My passport just called me. It’s super bored. Guess I have to travel then!"

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Don’t plan your vacation with a broken pencil. It’s absolutely pointless.

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Why did the flight attendant apologize to the family of elephants?

They were only allowed one trunk onboard.

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What did the lazy baguette do on holiday?

It just loafed around.

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Where does a cow stay when it is on vacation?

A mooooo-tel!

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Why do witches stay in hotels?

She heard they always have great broom service!

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When in Romania. Why did the tired traveler go to Romania?

So he could Buch-a-rest.

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How do rabbits travel?

By Hareplane!

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Where do pepperonis like to go on vacation?

The Leaning Tower Of Pizza!

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Going vacationing at the coast?

Remember to keep it reel.

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Running to the boarding gate is my favorite workout.

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Don’t love the water?

Hiking is great for an altitude adjustment!

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Where do meteorologists travel to relax?

The isobar!

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Why does nobody like the plane?

It has a bad altitude.

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"Should I go to work today? Or just book a 1-way ticket to Mexico?"

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"As I waited for my luggage at the airport, a man lifted my suitcase off the baggage carousel. 'Excuse me,' I shouted. 'That’s my suitcase.' The man shot back defensively, 'Well, somebody took mine!"'

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Why did the librarian get chucked off the plane?

Because the flight was overbooked!

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