One year ago today I nearly lost my life. Right now I’m grateful for life. I'm grateful for second, third, fourth, and fifth chances. The happiest I’ve been in my life was the year of sobriety and happiness I found a few years ago. The spiritual experience, and the people I was able to help. I found the purpose. I found meaning to my life. Yes, I have relapsed. Yes I have relied on myself and put other things in front of my program and God, but I have not and will not ever stop fighting. That’s why I come back. Addiction is confusing, and I’m not posting this status to educate anyone on addiction. I don’t even have excuses for the multiple relapses throughout the years. I’m posting this for people who have been in and out, or who are still out. you’re not alone. I love you. It doesn’t matter how many times you fall as long as you get back up. Using stopped being fun long ago and even though maybe that first hit or drink of a spree feels good it’s never been worth it. I’m grateful an old friend sent me this. I’m grateful for my family’s support, but I’m also grateful for the boundaries they’ve set, and their decision not to enable me. I’m grateful for my sober community in Dallas, some who once were in and out like I’ve been the past 3 years. I look up to all of you and I’m happy to know there will always be a seat for me...for anyone...in the rooms.

My father spent many decades in his addictions. He was a fully functioning, fun, full fledged addict. He was the cool dad. The life of the party. I can remember him showing up to my brother’s 21st birthday with all the pot and coke that you could want. I can remember all my friends wanting to spend weekends at my dad's because he was the one that let us do anything we wanted. Weekends with my dad were breaks from my mom. There were no rules, no discipline, just constant fun.

Things that come with constant reckless fun: 2 ruined marriages, 6 messed up kids, and countless years of destructive behavior. I forgot to mention some highlights of all that "fun.” Like the Thanksgiving that he decided to show up hours late and tell my grandmother to shove her turkey up her ass. That time I was supposed to be going to communion dress rehearsal and instead he took me and my bestie to the beach to play in our white dresses while he sat in car with a bag and bottle. That time he walked me down the isle reeking of alcohol and wasn’t even able to remember it. I can go on forever but I won't.

Today my father has a decade clean. A decade of sobriety. A decade of being present.

“We all hide things. We all have our secrets. Our lives are not always as rosy as they appear in our photos. I’ve shared my truth, but not all of my truth.”

My name is John and I’m an addict. It’s an honor to be clean and be able to tell a little bit of my story on The Addict’s Diary. I met Kevin Alter in 2012 while working at a treatment center in Miami, Florida. I never forgot him because Kevin was so dopesick that he couldn’t walk even after going to detox. I was a maintenance worker at that rehab but my favorite part of the job was when I got the opportunity to talk with a struggling client. We went back and forth for a bit chatting and then I told Kevin about the years I spent in prison. The years I lost chasing heroin and sticking needles in my arm. The opportunities I passed up, the bridges I burned, and the people I let down. After that I did what recovering addicts do best and I flipped it. I told Kevin about how in recovery I learned to swim around the bridges I burned. I told Kevin about how I became a championship fighter in recovery. I told him about how I learned to channel my pain into Martial Arts and bodybuilding. I told him about the Union job I got in recovery. I told Kevin about my family in Narcotics Anonymous and that we were there for him whenever he was ready. I saw a spark in his eye that day, we call that hope in recovery and we cannot live without it

Dude on the left is full of shame using drugs, alcohol, sex and porn to cope with a shit ton of shame and undiagnosed bi-polar. Fast forward 5 years and the guy on the right has been in recovery attending a 2 week residential program, some therapist sessions, AA,NA,CA,SA, a men’s retreat and weekly small group. I have not touched booze, drugs or porn in 5 years. I have not gone manic in 5 years thanks to lithium. I now work at a detox center and hope to create a residential place for men after I finish my credentials.

Many don’t struggle with the same issue but mine was shame. There’s only one way to get rid of it and that is to tell on it. Recovery saved my life.

It started back when I was a teenager. I dabbled in any drug I could find, which lead to multiple addictions. But, in the year of 2018, I discovered cocaine. That was the start of my misery and real addiction. It started off as a social drug a once a month thing, then it become an every weekend thing. Before I knew it I was using everyday. I tried many way ways to stop the addiction. I tried cold turkey (failed). I tried reducing the usage slowly (failed). So, I took a drastic step and tried to end my life (failed thankfully). I couldn’t see a way out, so one morning I went to the local drug outreach and asked for help. I worked with them for 6 months and then I made the choice to move away from my hometown. There were far too many demons and I still had access to the drugs (although I never used again the temptation was still there). Now 1 year on and I’m doing great I’ve not looked back since.

The day I said no more.

My drug use brought me to some pretty terrifying places. Since I was a teenager I found myself on the streets of various cities and countries getting high. Out of options and no where to go, I eventually started selling myself in exchange for money to support my drug addiction. I felt I had crossed the line of no return. Traumatized and defeated, I continued to use... Recovery is always possible, no matter who you are or what you've been through.

There is no excuse to get high

It’s wild that I’ve been clean for 800 days. Looking at this picture I remember feeling like death all the time now I’m finally alive!! I had tried so many times to do what’s right but I kept failing. Sometimes I didn’t even care about what happened and wanted to give up. I’m glad I didn’t!

September 2019. I laid in my bed crying out for help. I begged for someone or something to please help me because I could not go on living the way I was. It was this exact moment, that I realized I had a serious problem. If didn’t get help, I was going to die... which honestly seemed easier than fighting to get out of my mind and body every single day.

Fast forward 1 year: September 2020. I am in recovery. I am living a sober life. I fight my alcoholism and my addictions on a daily basis. It is by no means easy and my no means over, but I have never felt more free than I do today. I am free of alcohol and drugs dictating my life and my every move. I no longer feel trapped and hopeless. I no longer feel angry at the world. I no longer feel broken. I no longer hate myself. My mind has never been quieter. My heart has never been more full of love, happiness and joy. My soul has never felt more at peace. Sobriety has saved my life and I finally love myself.

Four years ago I was 22 and he was 39. We met while I was working at a gas station. He would come in for smokes and beer, and to hit on me. We both knew that one another were meth users. You know, an addict knows an addict.

We started hanging out and using together, on and off for a little while. The sex was great, meth had us so messed up that we were talking about marrying each other and being together forever after just hanging out once. Crazy how drugs make you think. We are so forever grateful to God, AA, our church family, our sponsors, recovery groups, and eachother.

I am so happy and proud to call this man my husband, and the father to our child. I still cannot believe how far we've come.

WE DO RECOVER!!!

The guy on the left was addicted to crack cocaine and alcohol. He had no future. He stayed in and out of rehabs. 13 of them to be exact. He was living in hell. He was slowly dying; physically, mentally, and spiritually. But by the grace of God, he humbled himself and asked for help from a power greater than himself. The guy on the right is him today, clean and sober for three years.

God did for me what I could not do for myself. Today I try to help others. I share my story of recovery. I am a witness that with God all things are possible.

I’m not an addict but my son is a recovering addict. For four years I watched my son slip away. He lost his marriage, his children, and himself to meth. He went to RPF for 9 months. He came home and went right back to it. As the mother of an addict, I need to tell you how I felt. I cried, begged him to please come home, and I prayed endlessly. I didn’t sleep. I was afraid he’d call and I wouldn’t hear the phone. I watched his body literally wither away until he was skin and bones. I will never give up on him.

One year ago, I was eating out of Taco Bell’s dumpster sleeping on cardboard. I’ve been completely demoralized to the point where I’ve forced my spirit to leave my body. I take pride in knowing that pain. But I have so much more to offer to the universe. Today I have my own pillow and my own bed. I also have 11 months clean today!

This is me, 60 days substance free! I have never believed in myself as much as I do right now. Thank you to everyone who has supported me, even when I felt I didn’t deserve it.

I went from a strung out homeless unemployable convict in mid-2006 to a father of two sons, husband, homeowner, and a carpenter. I’ve earned a bachelors degree in addiction counseling, a masters degree in clinical mental health counseling and am now a licensed addiction counselor. I am living proof that good things happen when we do the next right thing. The first picture is a mug shot from a 2004 arrest for possession of heroin, flight from an officer, theft and battery of an officer and the second is my graduation pic from last December after completing my masters degree and passing my licensure exam. This disease never rests so neither can we.

There was a time in my life when I couldn’t get three day clean. This year I celebrated 3 years clean. We do recover!

When I was 18 years old, I met a guy. Little did I know he was an addict. We were in love and moved in with each other quick. I quickly discovered his opioid and cocaine addiction. I was very curious myself and he convinced me to try it. I loved it and the way it made me feel. I've never been a happy person, and drugs make me feel amazing. A couple months went by and one day I got home from work, and my ex boyfriend had a needle and a bag of heroin. He told me how great it would be and I was a fool not to try it. That's when my hardcore heroin addiction started. Summer 2017.

I started college that fall. I was a college freshman battling a heroin addiction. It didn't go well. I had A's in all classes but flunked out for missing so many days. Getting high was more important than school. I got arrested 4 times summer 2018, and my car was impounded. I was 20 years old with 13 felonies over my head.

Fast forward to summer 2020. I'm free from that toxic relationship. I'm no longer addicted to a substance that took everything from me. I have a car now! I have a job, not just a job..a career! I work in the human services field and get to give back and help others now. I can't believe how beautiful my life it. I almost feel like it's all a dream!

My ex-husband Joey served in Iraq twice in 2007 and 2009. He was always a proud Marine. He always used some substance throughout his teens and early adulthood. Coming home from Iraq was a struggle for him and he was struggling with PTSD. I was already drowning in addiction when he came home and it didn't take long to follow me into that rabbithole. I've been clean 9 years today, but this is his story not mine. He entered treatment repeatedly through the VA but was never successful for long periods of time. He went from being addicted to narcotic opiate pain pills to suboxone on to heroin then finally meth and subutex. He missed out on everything from baseball games, father/daughter dances, first day of school, kindergarten graduation, and the birth of his fourth child because he couldn't find his way out. He gave up and eventually so did almost everyone else. Except me that is. I couldn't help until he was ready though and one day that happened. Joey was ready and he took the first step and went to detox, then treatment, then transitional, and now he is working, he's rebuilding his relationships with our kids, he is a college student and he celebrates one year today the same day I celebrate 9 years. Again this story is his not mine. He has his light back. There is hope in eyes that were dead for far too long. He is who he has always been meant to be.

Blessed to have just over 8 months clean and sober.

My life was completely destroyed over and over again by meth. Went to prison, lost my home, my family, my purpose, and my almost my life. I was down to skin and bones. I am proud to say I’ve now reached 2 1/2 years clean!

I am celebrating 8 years clean! I didn't know 5-8-12 would be the last day I would use, but God had other plans for me. I got arrested again for drug charges. I had been a homeless IV user for years. The judge said, "Nothing has worked for you. Probation, drug court, house arrest, county jail stints, mandatory 12 step meetings, or substance abuse programs. So I'm sending you to state prison, I hope you change your life.”

I had no idea during this sentence that I would find freedom. I had to be removed from the streets and that life for over two years to get my mind right. 60 days was never enough. My outlook on life changed. I discovered I was worth more and decided I wouldn't waste another minute using. Over that time I got healthy and saw some light at the end of the tunnel. I started running which was a huge part of my recovery and still is. When I got out in 2014, my desire to use was gone. It just was. No magical spiritual awakening or 12 steps. I had always prayed to God even when I was using. Making amends and helping others was a natural progression. I did things that empowered me. I adopted a new lifestyle that was more fulfilling than what I found in drugs. I trained for marathons and got a job working in treatment. I took the opportunity to create a new life. I honestly had accepted I would be an addict the rest of my life and everything changed in one day. If it can happen for me, it can happen for you!

To the left is me at 160 pounds in the midst of an 8 year heroin and fentanyl addiction. To the right is me today at 210 pounds and 1 week away from celebrating my first year clean!

Today marks 2 years and one day since my kids almost lost their father. The picture on the top is from a Police Officer’s Body Cam of me overdosed, blue, and close to death. My girlfriend and I got a lot of criticism from so many people that could only go off what they wrote in the news stories about us. These people tried to label us many things. They sarcastically called me, "father of the year". They had no sympathy or understanding that deep down we had a spiritual malady. No understanding that deep down I hated myself and already believed all the bad things they said about me. Today, I love myself. Today, I have a relationship with God, my family, my kids and my girl and I are both sober. I want to thank everyone who has crossed my path and helped me over the last 11 years. From the corrections officers at the jails to all the techs and counselors at the many treatment centers and detoxes. I'm so grateful for them and all of the other addicts in my life that never gave up on me. I will spend the rest my life trying to change the stigma of addiction and helping other addicts. Thanks to everyone in my life and all the men in my sponsor family for being a part of my story. I love you all.

2 years ago today I was at the lowest point in my life. I was strung out, homeless & ready to end it all. I remember looking into my daughters crib, crying and promising her that daddy was going to get help. I remember the pain I felt & the pain I caused in everyones lives around me. Those are things I never want to forget. Today, the only tears my daughter has seen me cry are tears of joy. Today, I’m Just A Dad From Akron building a company from the ground up to show the struggling ones in my City its possible to turn your life around & be the change our community needs. Its a blessing to be the father & mentor I always dreamed of being. Without God and all the amazing people he continues to put in my life none of this would be possible. TODAY WE CELEBRATE 2 YEARS OF CONTINUOUS SOBRIETY!

4 YEARS OF SELF DISCOVERY!

Remember when they used to make fun of me? Remember when they laughed at my ideals? Remember they said I would never make it? Remember when they called me names? Remember all the dark days in hell? Remember all the institutions? Remember all the hate on our success? Remember all the late nights and hard work? Remember all the failures we pushed through? Remember how you always believed in me? Remember when your supported me? Remember how you stood by my side when everyone else left and laughed? Remember we worked harder than the rest? WELL I REMEMBER! And I will never forget the ones who stuck by my side through the last 4 years in the hardest of time. Thank you all for everything!

I was broken, defeated, and miserably hopeless. After years of failed attempts, I’d given up. Fortunately, God doesn’t give up, and neither did my family. The spirit believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself. My attitude and outlook upon life has changed. What a beautiful thing. Through God I’ve been clean and sober since 1/7/2018.

The first pic is 2008 and that was the day I was locked up for Armed robbery. The second pic is 2018 and is a consequence of my many years of using. My heart had been so damaged from 3 previous heart attacks that I had a double bypass to repair all the damage done from using drugs. I was in active addiction for 23 years! The 3rd and final pic just amazes me to know how blessed I really am! I was once an empty shell of a person who wished for death daily. Now I am so grateful that I didn't give up on myself! I am so proud of the woman I have become and I actually love and respect her these days! It just goes to show that we do recover!